"Drop your draws and turn so your bottom is facing the sculpture." These are the instructions at the World's largest annual pilgrimage of hemorrhoidal sufferers in Europe. They are pointing their posteriors at the statue of Saint Goncalo, located in a small town in Portugal. It seems this 'Holy One' can cure the "itching and discomfort of your tissue" forever. Although this is a blessed event it has had a devastating effect on the bird population. The migration of the Swallows arriving on March 19th of each and every year unfortunately coincided with the anal healing. Once the hurting crowd "Drops and Spreads" the aroma drove the flocks away with many of our feathered friends falling out of the sky unable to handle the odor. The Swallows eventually changed their destination to Capastrano where fully dressed town's people welcome them. Insofar as our religious town, it is actively seeking corporate sponsorship, willingly changing their name for a price, such as the "Incorporated Township of Preparation H." This is just one of the many irrelevant World records that many people never knew and probably didn't want to know. Let's take a look at some other entries in the categories of the largest, longest or the most.

Sixty-nine children were born to one woman. The sexually active mother was a Russian peasant who no doubt did not understand any facet of the meaning of Birth Control. An even more astonishing event that took place after her demise (I'm sure she died of exhaustion). Her grieving husband had to marry quickly so his bride could care for his herd of children. Unbelievable as it is, he had eighteen more babies with his new spouse. If I'm not mistaken he decided to solve this production problem: he went into his shed, grabbed a small axe and castrated himself. Even this seems trivial in comparison to the gentleman in Indonesia who decided to "Tree Sit". He climbed to about sixty feet and stayed on a branch for 22 years (Yes..22 years). But this pales in comparison in the category of most uncomfortable situations. There are three finalists. An entry from northern Europe spent over 250 hours on a bed of nails (her nickname is Swiss Cheese). Another young lady sat in a glass cage for over a day with over 2000 scorpions crawling on her. (WHY?? Please tell me why someone would voluntary do that). She was considered lucky because she was only stung half a dozen times. (Lucky?) The winner in this category would have to be the gent who held seven rattlesnakes in his mouth by their tails.(Again I ask WHY?).

Personal accomplishments come in many sizes and varieties. A celebrity in his home city because he holds the record for most arrests. He was incarcerated more than three thousand times and all for the same offense. Go ahead, take a guess.....It was for drunk and disorderly conduct. The award for sheer courage goes to an eighty-seven year old great, great, grandmother who would crawl out of an airborne plane and stroll on the wing. (I believe she used a walker). In the category of eating strange object we have a hands down winner. An Asian lad ate five watches in less then three minutes(Don't ask....I have no idea why he did that).

There are those that have gained fame by physical prowess. The gent who did over four thousand pushups with fifty pounds strapped on his back. I was so inspired by his feat: I decided to break his record. I immediately tied a bucket of Kentucky Fried chicken with a side order of masked potatoes to my back and started the activity. After one and a half pushups I collapsed to the floor breaking my nose. I consumed the chicken and tatters as I waited for physical repair at the Emergency Room. A more amazing feat was the Chinese citizen who lifted one hundred and ten pounds with his left ear. That particular organ now measures 18 inches in diameter and he can hear earthworms digging in the soil. The record that still astonishes all of us bodybuilders (notice how I include myself in this healthy group as I'm dunking my donut into a blue cheese dip) was the hoisting of six hundred pounds off the ground only using his teeth. I believe his motto is "No Steak Too Tough". The greatest feat of strength was accomplished by a guy lying on a bed of nails with five hundred pounds of cinder blocks on his chest. He then had his assistance break each brick with a fourteen pound sledgehammer(Ouch!).

All in all, the most amazing accomplishments are those by animals. The largest ostrich egg was a little over twenty-two pounds. It was ten times the normal weight and the poor bird fainted after the delivery. The most intelligent bird is a parrot that knows over fifteen hundred words. In fact he was hired by a large department store as a customer service agent in the return department. After arguing with it for over an hour I finally left with the item I was there to return. I heard the nasty foul laughing with the other employees as I walked away. He might think he's pretty clever but next time I'll bring Max (my cat) with me. Another extraordinary animal is the dog that can perform over three hundred tricks including rolling over, playing dead and preparing corporate tax returns. But my personal hero is "Tiaro", who came in third out of eleven candidates, with almost half a million votes, in the mayoral election in Rio de Janeiro. His political affiliation, The Brazilian Banana Party slogan was "Vote Monkey....Get Monkey".