1. They’re hot dog vendors.
On March 20, 1998, in Arroyo Hondo, New Mexico, rancher Jessie
Gonzales discovered that his prize bull had been mutilated. Something
had cut a large hole in the animal’s flank and snatched its
anus. New Mexico’s a nice place, but don’t eat the jerky.
2. They vote Democrat.
Before he became president and habitat—hammering lefty, Jimmy
Carter reported seeing mysterious lights in the sky as he left a
Lion’s Club meeting in Washington, D.C. on January 22, 1969.
Could they have been a UFO? Or did his brother Billy strap
balloons to the lawn chair again?
3. They speak our language, but
not our grammar.
In 1987, in a field in southern England, a message appeared: WEARENOTALONE.
If the message had really come from aliens, as some brainiac
pointed out, it would have read, YOU, not WE.
Then the brainiac was zapped by a strange bolt of energy.
4. They suck at surgery.
During the mid—1980s, an Illinois man came forward with an
outlandish tale: Aliens had kidnapped him and implanted a device
in his sinus cavity to record events on Earth. But the implant
was dislodged after he caught a cold. When he blew his nose, out
came the implant—a shiny ball bearing.
5. They prefer Dave Grohl.
In World War II many allied pilots reported being surrounded by
small, quick—moving balls of fire that they named Foo
Fighters. They terrified the pilots, but the balls were not
aggressive. A fiery, flying Courtney Love, however, destroyed
thousands of allied planes and nearly lost us the war.
6. They’re sextraterrestrial!
Truman Bethurum got the rides of his life when, from June to
November 1952, he was supposedly taken aboard a flying saucer 11
times and screwed senseless by a beautiful female alien captain.
Sounds like a movie we rented once—Ron Jeremy was the wookie.
THE
EVIDENCE
Maxim
rips open the X—files and investigates…
UFOs
The phenomenon: Flashes of light, flying
saucers, and other strange airborne objects. In the past
60 years, thousands of UFO sightings have been reported
in the U.S. The MO: On March 13, 1997,
hundreds of Phoenix residents reported a giant
V—shaped UFO flying over the area at a reported speed
of 400 mph. The real deal: The Air
Force claims that a few of their planes were in the area
dropping flares. Other sightings are written off as
sunspots, a flock of Canadian geese migrating, or the
ever—mysterious “top—secret weather balloon.”
Close Encounters
The phenomenon: Airplane pilots and passengers
peek out the window and see that they are sharing
airspace with a distinctly noncommercial flight. More
than 3,000 airplane—related close encounters have
taken place in the U.S. alone. The MO:
On January 7, 1948, Air National Guard pilot Thomas
Mantell tailed a metallic, teardrop—shaped figure
across the Kentucky sky. When Mantell pulled up for a
closer look, he crashed and died. The Louisville
Courier printed that he was shot down by aliens. The
real deal: Military officials said Mantell hit
a reconnaissance balloon, lost control, and crashed.
Yeah—into a damn UFO!
Mutilated Livestock
The phenomenon: For years farmers in the
Southwest have reported finding dead livestock that are
missing body parts—with wounds that are often
cauterized. The MO: A filly was found
in Colorado’s San Luis Valley in September 1967; its
brain had been carved out, burn marks were found on the
ground nearby, and the carcass smelled like medicine. The
real deal: Many cattle deaths were caused by
local predators; postmortem bloating then disfigured the
animals. But no word on how brain—slurping cougars got
hold of scalpels.
Landing Strips
The phenomenon: Enormous shapes that look like
drawings on desert plains worldwide could be signals or
even landing strips for flying saucers. The MO:
Strange, gigantic markings in the shapes of lizards,
spiders, and monkeys are carved into Peru’s Nazka
Desert. Similar figures have been spotted in northern
Chile, England, and the American Southwest. The
real deal: The figures were created by ancient
civilizations. Since they were made before man could
fly, there’s no explanation as to why they were
created. There’s no doubt they were labor—intensive;
the Peru series spans 37 miles. No way union
labor did that.
Crash Sites
The phenomenon: Carnage, crashed
spacecraft, and FBI cover—ups. The MO:
On July 3, 1947, in Roswell, New Mexico, rancher Mac
Brazel discovered pieces of what appeared to be an alien
spacecraft. Soon UFO stories surfaced throughout the
area, with some claiming to have seen pics of alien
bodies. The real deal: Brazel did find
debris, but according to the military it was a
top—secret recon balloon, as were most of the UFO
sightings around Roswell. The bodies? Just photos of
crash—test dummies, whose legend has long outlived
their crappy band.
Alien Abductions
The phenomenon: Hapless earthlings wake up with
huge gaps in their memory. Under hypnosis many of them
recall being kidnapped (and often violated) by aliens. The
MO: Driving through New Hampshire on September
19, 1961, Betty and Barney Hill saw a weird light in the
sky. Later, Barney had a sore neck and Betty was having
nightmares of being forced inside a strange vehicle.
(Sounds more like a date!) The real deal:
The Hills et al. could have been lying, telling the
truth, or suffering from false memory
syndrome—unwittingly inventing memories under
hypnosis. Or maybe they just took the brown acid.
Crop Circles
The phenomenon: Gigantic, geometrically precise
circles are left in farmers’ fields. More than 10,000
crop circles have appeared all over the world. The
MO: On August 12, 1972, in Wiltshire, England,
two farmers watched as a 30—foot circle of wheat laid
down by itself. The real deal: At least
80 percent are fakes. In 1991 two English painters
admitted to setting up 250 hoaxes themselves with a few
boards. What about the others? Two theories: a funnel of
wind or a plasma vortex—a swirling electromagnetic
funnel—caused the wheat to fall over like Kelsey
Grammar at a cocktail party.
*Special thanks to Cargill Hall, historian at the
National Reconnaissance Office, Joe Nickell, senior
research fellow at the Committee for Scientific
Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal, and Col.
Thomas O. Haig (USAF, ret.).
