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| Anu | Sam | How Can I | Person | I Love This Man... | Please Answer ASAP | Please Answer Soon | Totally Confused |
I am a 26 year old housewife who has been married for seven years. My son is 5 and my marriage is more or less happy. Our financial situation is not good as of late, and has been causing a great deal of stress and many arguments. At the same time I have managed to develop feelings for one of my husband's coworkers. I am pretty sure he feels the same, but we are both decent folks and have been struggling with this for about a year. It has gotten to the point where he has trouble looking me in the face, but at the same time, every time I see him he initiates conversation. What is really confusing is that he has not made a move on me yet, even though the sexual tension is almost palpable(it is bad enough that we can't drink around each other anymore). So my question is, should I open the can of worms, or just forget about him. He is a good friend of mine, indeed, I think I feel stronger about him than I ever did with my husband. But I know we would never have a real relationship, since I refuse to get divorced. So confused.
Anu
Dear Anu, if you want my opinion...
I get the impression that your marriage and especially your family as a whole means a lot to you. You have made up your mind that you will not do anything to compromise them, despit the stress you and your husband have experienced for financial reasons (or any other reasons). Hopefully it is as I think, that you realize the stress is no excuse fo infidelity. Therefore, I can't imagine why you would want to pursue something that might be a threat to your happy marriage and family.
It shouldn't be to confusing to you that your friend and co-worker of your husband has not made a move. A true friend of you and your husband would not do this. I suspect that he is holding back on pursuing you out of respect to you and your family. If you were to pursue things further and ask him his feelings towards you, you would be putting him in a very awkward position. Especially considering that you have no intention of having a relationship with him. He seems like a basically good man who is trying to do what is right. For the sake of your friendship you should try to help him here. Don't pursue things any further or ask him his feelings towards you. Asking him would serve no useful purpose than to assure you your strong feelings towards him are reciprocated. If you don't want a relationship with him, is knowing your feelings are returned worth risking your family's happiness and his friendship?
I would suggest you take steps to minimize any risk. You have taken the first step by deciding that you will not pursue a relationship. Now you have to avoid any contact with him that might put you or him at risk of entertaining any notions of romance between you and him. Remain friendly with him, but don't give him any reason to think there could be something to pursue. Sexual tension generally isn't something that is "just there". It has to be created through flirtatious behavior, flirtatious comments, innuendo, body language, etc. Make your mind up to control these things. (You may just find that a major part of your attraction to this man was in the excitement of the flirtatious behavior.) And of course, you should at all costs avoid being in any situation where you are alone with this man.
A problem that could arise is if your friend doesn't take the hint and continues on in a flirtatious manner or worse yet, openly makes a pass at you. Hopefully he will continue to respect you and your husband enough not to do this. If he does you must make it clear that his behavior can't be accepted or returned by you. If he continues you may have to break off all contact with him.
I hope things go as easily as possible for you and wish happiness to you and your family.
Opinion Guy
I am happily married to a wonderful man. He never makes "stops" on his way home, calls throughout the day and spends all his free time with me and the 2 kids. He constantly tells me I'm beautiful and sexy, and he verifies this through his actions. He says I'm his best friend and we have good communication. Although we enjoy looking at women together, he insists he has no desire to actually be with anyone else.(I've been trying for a 3some for quite a while) he's just now okay with it. His reason was he didn't want me to end up upset and didn't want to risk losing me. Also, a couple years ago, a couple girls started to dance for him. He says he got up and left. (he wasn't gone long that evening).My question is could he really feel that strongly for me or is there a heartbreak in store for me? Also, is it possible for him to refuse sex that's in his face and really come home to me? Please answer.
Sam
Dear Sam, if you want my opinion...
Yes it is completely possible that your husband, out of love and respect for you, and a desire not to destroy the family he has with you and your sons, has intelligently decided not to stupidly give in to temptation and risk hurting you and destroying your family. Unless you have other reasons to suspect him, you can feel confident your husband is faithful.
Opinion Guy
I am a man aged 31 and i have been married to a 24 year old woman since 1999. The problem is that my wife has over the past year developed a dislike of sex with me. She seems to be out of steam and does not appreciate me touching, kissing or even hugging her. We have a one year old daughter together. How can I get my wife back into romance. I have tried everything from buying her expensive gifts to spending more time together but it seems nothing is working. What can I do to save my marriage. I really love my wife and daughter.
How can I get my wife back into romance
Dear How can I get my wife back into romance, if you want my opinion...
It's good that you are putting so much effort and patience into it and I certainly hope your efforts don't go completely unnoticed or unappreciated by your wife. Especially your attempts to spend more time and attention on her as opposed to more money.
I couldn't help but notice that your wife's loss of a desire for intimacy coincides with the birth of your daughter (congratulations by the way). Perhaps you have noticed some other behaviors in your wife since the birth of your daughter that are uncharacteristic. Things like sadness or moodiness, loss of interest or motivation towards social situations or activities she once enjoyed, less time spent socializing with friends, etc. These could be signs of postpartum depression which can affect women who have given birth. There are more signs that you can learn about in links to follow. If this is something she may have a doctor may be the only one who can help. Take a look at the sites I will list below and then if you decide postpartum depression is a possibility talk to your wife. I wouldn't advise telling her what you think she may have. Just tell her you are concerned that she seems so unhappy and suggest that maybe seeing her doctor may help. Then talk to her doctor explaining to him your concerns so he will know what to look for.
Opinion Guy
Okay....*sigh* I know that I probably will get a lecture on this, but no one is listening to the whole story. I think I may have this like crush on this guy...but my friends think he is this perv and overweight jerk and stuff. But I've seen this other side to him...what do I do?
Person
Dear Person, if you want my opinion...
You obviously see enough redeeming qualities in this guy to think you may have a crush on him. So your friend thinks he is a jerk. Is she right? Does she know him as well as you? So he's overweight. Is that an important enough consideration? Does it make him less attractive to you?
Judge people on what you know about them. Not what your friends think.
Opinion Guy
So this guy and I have been friends for a really long time...And we know so much about each other. But he thinks that I like his best friend, when in all I love my friend. But you see I went out with his friend, and he thinks I still like him, when we haven't dated in a long time...HELP, how do I make it aware to him that I like him not his friend?
I love this man...but he doesn't get it
Dear I love this man..., if you want my opinion...
The best way is to tell him. Or at the very least tell him you are not interested in his friend.
Opinion Guy
Ok, I have a guy on my college campus that I see everyday outside of his dorm. Whenever I pass I notice that his friends notice me. As soon as they do they lean over and tell him (the one I like ) something..as in here she comes.. and he'll perk up and pretend to be all tough. Well try to avoid contact to let the other one know that we're not looking, but we'll do the over the shoulder look when we pass and we've caught each other at least 9-10 times looking back at each other. He'll smile when come up to him and his friends. I am really confused because it's obvious that I like him but I "think" he likes me HELP!!
What should I do???
Dear Please answer asap, if you want my opinion...
Talk to him. Say hello. Strike up a conversation with him. Be friendly and ask how he is doing. He is obviously shy, as I am guessing you may be as well. You may have to make the first move and that means conversing with him. Once he is at ease talking to you his shyness should be allayed enough to be more forward and demonstrative. But be patient. Shyness can be a very strong thing and if at first he seems uncomfortable back off a little but remain friendly and try again and again until he is at ease. Building a familiar friendliness between him and yourself will be very helpful.
Opinion Guy
I have this major crush on this guy we have been bestfriends since we were 7 years old we hung out 24/7 now we are both 14 one day i got the nerve to tell him how i feel about him i got a crush on him in 8th grademy ex friend asked him out then for me and he wanted to know who liked him she said me. He was like really!!! will you go out with her? i already have agirlfriend if you didn't my friend said yes definetly he said he tells her tell her I say hi she bugs him about when his now ex were gonna breakup I said out loud don't bother him. Latleywhen i talked to him he seems like he's head over heels for me in madly in love with me the way he started into my eyes and smiling his best should i ask him out. My reputation at school people think i'm a slut cause i go out with guys and they all think i have sex with each and everyone but i'm a virgin should I ask him out i want our relationship to last all through highschool and i pray to god that we will end up together and raise some sweet obident kids.
Please Answer Soon
Dear Please Answer Soon, if you want my opinion...
Ask the guy out. The worst that could happen is that he could say no. But you would still be friends. Anyway you seem pretty certain that he is interested in you. If you are hesitant only because you fear what others may think of you, don't be. Will you spend the rest of your young adult life basing decisions like whether or not you date someone on what your peers think? Do what is right for you. You know that you are not a slut. If you want to date someone and have thought it through just do it. If your peers want to make baseless assumptions about what you do they are being immature. Knowing that may help take some sting out of their gossip, if there is any. Your friends who know you are the ones whose opinion's count. And of course your opinion of yourself. Would you be happy with yourself if you knew your life was being dictated by the opinions of people who don't know you, or what is right for you?
One last thing. I'm glad to know that you are confident enough to know what you want in a relationship, but having aspirations for marriage and children might be a little premature at this point. You haven't even asked him out yet. And your still young. Dating is a way for people to get to know each other. It becomes a lot more fun and far less stressful if it is looked at that way. Thats not to say that you cant have plans to marry some day, or consider it. Just keep things in perspective. For example, instead of planning to marry this particular guy, you could plan to marry a man some time in the future. Ask yourself what kind of man that might be. Now when you date and learn about different people you can measure them against your ideal. Bear in mind that I don't intend to suggest dating should be an interview for marriage. It was just an example I used and perhaps an extreme one. But the point holds true that dating can be a handy tool if you know what you are looking for. The standards don't necessarily have to be for a husband. In fact at your age it would be unrealistic and pointless. The young men you date are going to change a lot in the next few years and so are you and your ideal man. Better to set your standards to something like, "What kind of man do I want to get to know more and become closer with?".
Hopefully it is obvious that you aren't required to have a list of rehearsed questions for your dates. And I hope it's equally obvious that you NEVER let your dates know they are being measured up, and certainly not how they are measuring up. Keep the dates light, fun, and un pressured and you will learn a lot about each other. You will often discover good friends, and sometimes you will discover people with whom it can go further than friendship.
It seems I may have over answered your question. Please forgive my presumptuousness. But I think it may be helpful.
Opinion Guy
I met this guy a month ago and we started dating. We both enjoy doing the same things and have a strong connection with each other. We talk about our feeling all the time and seem to communicate great. It seemed like the both of us were developing strong feelings for each other.
He has been divorced for about 2 years and myself has been out of a relationship for 3 years. Both of our relationships ended by our partners cheating on us.
I told him that I was not ready to be intimate with him until we get to know each other a little more. He respected that and said that's fine. He seemed to be really into me and I was into him.
Then all of a sudden one night, he tells me he just wants to be friends and is not ready for a serious relationship. He wants to settle into the city because he just moved from a different city and has been divorced for 2 years. I know he is not the player type of guy and I really feel this all has to do about being intimate with each other or he still has feelings for his ex. But he keeps reassuring me that is not the case and is not sure if he is ready. He also said it make take him a couple of weeks or a month to decide if this is what he wants.
Of course after he told me this I got a tiny bit emotional. I wanted to go home right away, then the next thing I knew, he was on top of me kissing me and just being all sexual????
I am so totally confused since he was always the one wanting to see me and do things together and told me that I was the best thing that has ever happened to him and he really cares for me. For him to say "I just want to be friends" all of sudden has me wondering what went wrong. I don't know if I should accept being friends since it is hard after so much we've shared or take it as he is ending the relationship. I know when people say "I just want to be friends" it usually means they want out of the relationship.
Please help me understand a bit what he may be thinking, because I sure don't and don't know what I should do, say or feel.
Totally Confused
Dear Totally Confused, if you want my opinion...
I'm also a little confused. What happened after he suddenly decided to become physically intimate with you? Have things changed since then? Or has he gone back to saying he needs time?
I'll assume he has gone back to saying he needs more time. If that is the case I understand your confusion. It is always hard when you are emotionally invested in someone and are in a position where you have to sit back and wait for them to come to terms with where the relationship is going. It's natural for us to have fears and doubts, and to second guess the other person's motives. Sometimes because they have given us reason to wonder. Unfortunately there is some truth in your saying that when someone says they "just want to be friends" it is a sign that they want out of the relationship. Often people will do this in an attempt to avoid the unpleasantness and hurt feelings of a clean break. What they don't consider is that by not being honest and up front they are also causing hurt and it is a longer lasting hurt. As well when the relationship is finally all over there will often be a resentment. But that is not always the case. He may genuinely feel he needs space and time. Or he may genuinely want to remain only friends.
If either is the case it's a shame he had to start getting physical with you without coming to grips with your relationship. I cant guess why he may have done it. I'm sure it happens a lot. He may have been afraid of losing you altogether when you got upset, and made a desperate attempt to keep you. This would be unfair and leading you on if his heart wasn't behind it. Hey may also have just been horny and inconsiderate of your feelings.
You will likely be the best judge of his motives. And you always have the option of discussing what happened with him. Tell him how it has confused you. If he cares he will want to try to reassure you if he can and will be sorry that he has caused you heartache. Just be careful not to approach him in an accusing way, or he may get defensive. Talking to him about your feelings could help to reassure you more about his intentions, make him more considerate and aware of your feelings, or let you know if it is worth your while to wait on this guy.
Remember though that if he needs more time and is genuine, as difficult as it may be, if you want to pursue a close relationship, you will have to give him the time he needs. But hopefully he will now be more considerate and you more reassured.
Opinion Guy