Blondie

Listen closely.

Girl goes on date with gorgeous, successful Guy she just met.

(This Guy is 42 , never been married, but was previously in one relatively long-term relationship that produced a Child.)

The date consists of a relaxed Dinner with pleasant conversation, followed by a long drive accompanied by more relaxed, pleasant conversation and eventually leads to "his place". Once at "his" place the Guy invites the Gal to be seated and he sits next to her. He begins to stroke her hair & even asks if that is OK. Girl says it's OK, and even confesses that altho' she found it a strange request, she actually enjoyed it. He then asks if she'd like a shoulder massage, to which she agrees to. (The girl likes the massage and everything but is perplexed that he's made no attempt whatsoever all evening to kiss her as is usually the case with most of her first dates.)

After the massage he asks her if it would be OK to move into the bedroom. Once in the bedroom she climbs into the bed, and even gets comfortable beneath the blankets... thinking in all likelihood this is now going to evolve into the typical first date scenario... some initial kissing, heavy breathing, petting... what have you... no.

Boy once again is behind her, sort of massaging her neck and back... and at some point she turns around.... perhaps expecting at THIS point to receive that long awaited first kiss .... only to discover that Old Boy is fully exposed and has his Flag flying "full mast!" (if you get my drift).

This is where the Story becomes somewhat convoluted for me as I'm trying my best to re-tell it from memory.

In essence, he wanted her to watch him masturbate! And She was so shocked & dumbfounded... she DID! All the while she's thinking....All evening he was the perfect Gentleman, All Evening he was constantly asking her if she needed anything, wanted anything, something to drink? Was she comfortable? (yah de yah de yah dah.)

I might add here... prior to his Masturbatory act he commented to her that he was not "expecting" Sex from her, but that he would also like to gratify her orally if she'd like. (However, he did not ask her to perform Oral Sex on Him, nor did he request that she even touch him!) He just told her that Masturbating was something that he did all of the time, and evidentially he just wanted to masturbate while she watched.

What happened here?

She was attracted to Him, and She felt he was attracted to her.

Why didn't this Date end up like 99 point 9 percent of all of the other Dates that conventional Guys & Gals go on? You know? Dinner and the Movies? Ending up at either his or her place with him making the "moves" which USUALLY consists of the first kiss, and more kissing, heavy breathing and petting, and then her saying "yay" or "nay" and... need I say more?

The Girl I'm referencing in this TRUE SCENARIO is a beautiful Girl who doesn't have poor Hygiene or bad breath nor does she suffer from lack of Male interest or attention.

She called me with this Dating FIASCO hoping that I could make sense of it to which I must admit I am totally perplexed!

What would make what appears to be a sensitive, attentive Man whose made no sexual advances all evening suddenly "whip it out" and "go to town" in front of a Woman he hasn't even tried to kiss? And then act afterwards as if "nothing out of the unusual" has happened?

Needless to say, the Girl doesn't know WHAT to make of this... in fact, she could hardly believe it was really happening! A part of her felt really violated when he pulled this strange move, but she believes because of some previous sexual abuse in her past, she did not OPENLY display her shock and disgust..... She just kind of dumbly allowed the events that followed.

I might add at NO time did She ever feel threatened by this Guy, in fact.... she was extremely "attracted" and probably would have "consented" to his every advance... had he at ANY point ever made one!

(Other than the ONE described above, which evades our ability to understand or rationalize no matter HOW we look at it!)

Could you PLEASE try to explain to US what sort of Male Behavior this is and what it could possibly mean?

Dear Blondie, if you want my opinion...

I'm not sure why your friend should have been shocked to find this man exposed and fully erect when she turned around. Having read what led up to this it seemed to me that both he and her were giving and receiving signals that were leading up to the kind of sexually intimate activities where an exposed and erect penis might be involved. I will admit however that his request for her to watch him masturbate and allow him to orally pleasure her are more unusual considering the short time they had known each other. This fellow seemed as though he were either disinterested in intercourse, or felt that intercourse was more intimate than oral sex and exhibitionist masturbation. I won't pretend to speak for all men but I think most men would consider oral sex and viewed masturbation to be considerably more intimate than intercourse, and would be far more likely to feel comfortable trying to engage in intercourse before the other two. Or at least, if they felt comfortable with oral sex and viewed masturbation so early on, they would also be comfortable with intercourse.

The odd thing however, when you consider it, is that in some ways there is good reason to think intercourse is more intimate. After all it is "The" sexual act. The culmination. The ultimate reason behind the rush of hormones and the powerfull feelings we call the sex drive. It could be that this man is less effected by the pressures society has placed on us to make us think some sexual acts are dirty or taboo.

I'm sorry for your friends past sexual abuse. That's a terrible thing to go through, and the effects are long lasting. I hope that maybe she will have enough new perspective now not to feel to violated, so she can be comfortable in talking to him about what happened. I don't get the impression he was trying to get away with using her as an outlet for his kinky desires. If she had been able to express her misgivings he may have been able to make her more comfortable and I would hope he would have stopped doing what he did, knowing she wasn't comfortable with it. I also got the impression that this man was genuinely attracted to your friend. It would be a shame if she were to dismiss the idea of any further relationship with him over this. I hope she can bring herself to talk to him and express her concerns. If he is the sensitive and caring guy he tried to present himself as he will want very much to get things right between them. I don't think he has a perversion, and is uninterested in regular intercourse, but there is only one way for her to know for sure. She has to talk to him. Hopefully, it will be as I suspect and he has feelings for your friend and felt comfortable enough to want to be intimate and share with her doing something which many would feel very vulnerable doing.

I hope I have been of some help for your friend. please give her my best wishes. One thing still bothers me though. Although I think you are wrong in saying there were no sexual advances made, I still don't understand why he never tried to kiss her. In my mind that's more unusual than anything else he did or didn't do.

Opinion Guy

Yasir

Dear sir,

I fall in love with male and I am also a male , but we want to get marrried. Please tell me what we do. My age is 23 and his 28 .

Yasir

Dear Yasir, if you want my opinion...

I wish you had told me more specifically what your problem is. But I am guessing that perhaps english is not your native language, and that is the reason your question may seem vague. I'll therefore try to make my answer as broad as possible for you.

If you are straightforwardly asking if you and your lover should marry, my answer is that you are both adults and that the decision is yours. I don't think that it is that straight forward. Perhaps there are some impediments to your getting married, such as legality, opinions, and influences of family and friends (and peers as well), or a lack of tolerance for same sex marriages (perhaps because of cultural tradition or religious beliefs).

If the problem is only one of legality you could go somewhere where it is allowed or choose to make your own personal vows and commitments to each other, being married as far as you are concerned, yet not in the eyes of the law.

If the problem is also a cultural or religious one as well as illegal things grow much more complicated as choosing to live as a married couple could possibly be dangerous in a strict and traditional atmosphere of intolerance. You could both end up in legal problems or much worse. But you would know the specifics dangers much better than I. I would not advise you to do something that might be dangerous or illegal. I would rather advise you to go someplace and start a life together in an environment that is more tolerant and safe.

If the opinions of family, friends, and peers is an issue, and their objections are against your having a homosexual marriage, you must make a choice. What is more important to you? Your lover, and being married to him, or your family, friends, and peers and your future relationships with them? Ideally the important people in your life should be supportive and accepting of your lifestyle and decisions. But this is not an ideal world, I'm sure you realize the ramifications. If you decide being true to yourself and your lover is more important my advise is to explain to friends and family that although they don't understand, it is who you are and what you want, and you will do as you want, regardless of whether they are supportive.

Some people are lucky enough to live where there is more tolerance and understanding than others, even if that tolerance is far from perfect they can hope to live as they are with little fear of persecution or danger. I hope such is the case for you. I also realize that your circumstances could make it prohibitively difficult or even impossible do to what you would wish or what I advise. I wish it were not so but I know such intolerance exists. I wish you luck and happiness.

Opinion Guy

P.S. I also hope you can find someone who will translate this for you into your native toungue.

Is It Really Over?

Me, Lin, again. Thanks so much for your valuable opinion! I'd taken some actions before reading your advice. Now I want to know if this situation is even salvageable. Since the breakup, my ex has been back from the war and has been trying to get his life back together. He was stalling on seeing me (we were in an LDR) in my state. He ended up going home to see his family (his brother had been killed while he was at war. And he was granted a 2-week leave, during which time, I flew to his state to comfort him but didn't make the funeral). Since he's returned from war, he's been working on starting his new business but took a short weekend trip to see his family in the other state, in which my younger sister lives. They hooked up that weekend and partied a few nights. I got jealous and accused him of trying to get with her. Both denied my implications. I got nasty with both and was enraged, feeling as if my sister was betraying me and he was hiding something from me. In the end, my sister and I got in a bad argument, and she still insisted nothing happened and that he's just fun to be with. I believed her. He also said the same thing. I was convinced, in the end, I overreacted. Now, he and I talked and his take on the issue is it seems my sister and I have a rivalry that's deeper than even him. I agreed, talked with her, apologized and things were ironed out with her. But I don't think our sibling relationship will be the way it was before. Now, I really want to get back with my ex, even though I'm the one who dumped him, for really no viable reason. During all the fussing and accusations, he's maintained his cool and was never verbally abusive or mean to me. When I called (I always called him or he'd return my call), he'd be nice and entertain the call, but I just feel like it's not really over. During our last talk, he finally opened up and confided in when and why he started distancing himself from me: I'd email ed a former flame of his and old college friend of mine and she and I had a tiff after I mentioned I was with him, hoping she'd be happy for me.! She ended up showing him only my portions of the email transcripts and confronted him. He and I talked before he headed back to war, but I think he was disappointed in me. Months later, he finally tells me my actions concerning the girl was what made him see me differently and he started distancing himself then to see the whole picture, but not necessarily leave me. But he said things worsen when he got back and I got on his case about coming to see me. He was annoyed and said all this time, it's not so much that I was on the back-burner than that he was focusing on getting his business up and running and that he really was busy. We're now at a point where the last few months' actions are all talked out about. Yesterday, I apologized for my behavior to him and confided that I just was really hurt and a bit afraid. He seemed amused by the whole thing, but said he'd need some time. So now, I'm waiting. I know he cares about me, despite us not being together now, but I really ! want him back! Am I being unrealistic by trying to recapture what we had?

Is it really over?

Dear Is it really over, if you want my opinion..

It's so good to hear from you again despite the circumstances. Thank you for the kind words on my advice to your first submission Lin. I'm just sorry it couldn't help you. You may however be happy to hear that yes, I do think the relationship is salvageable. That is, if the problems are based solely on the mess of misunderstandings and confusion you both have experienced the last few months and there are no other involving factors.

Now that the air is cleared, and after your ex has taken time to consider things he may come to realize that much of your past actions were based on his distancing himself from you due to the emails his old flame sent to you (out of context) . He may also realize that his interpretation of your actions was likely biased by the emails she sent further fortifying his doubts about your character. If he had been open with you from the beginning about the emails, you could have explained your position and he wouldn't have had to interpret your actions at all. Everything would be easily resolved. But he didn't and now there is confusion and hurt to confuse matters. (Isn't it amazing how widespread the damage could be from one malicious act by an old flame, and a failure to openly communicate?) All ow some time for him and everyone else to sort things out, and allow the healing to begin. This will be easier despite the hurt feelings that have accrued because everything is now open and all misunderstandings gone. Hopefull everyone can forgive and start over. Including I hope, you and your sister.

I keep feeling that i may not be very clear in my response. I've tried rewording over and over. This is my best attempt. I hope it is helpful and encouraging.

Opinion Guy

Confuzed

I got a problem that I am tired of thinking about. I like this guy..hes a Scorpio(self explanatory) and in the past he has been toyed with and played...now he not ready to gain trust yet. He knows that I like him but he doesnt wanna grlfriend right now cos hes not ready and he doesnt have trust that he wont get hurt. He has told me that whens hes ready "I'll know", but How long am I supposed to wait? and how do I know if im waiting for something or nothing? I mean How do I show him that I wont hurt him for him to ask me out soon. I dun like waiting around for something to happen but at the same time...I know I will be. What do I do?

Confuzed

Dear Confuzed, if you want my opinion...

If you like this guy and feel he's worth it, be patient and don't push him to quickly. He has made it clear that he needs time and a little space, and also has given indications that he is interested in you romantically. Your best bet is to concentrate on being his friend and getting to know him without causing him to feel rushed or pressured to make a decision. This will allow you both to enjoy each other's company and will put him at ease, allowing him to be comfortable and hopefull to understand you aren't out to hurt him. And believe me when he decides he is ready you will know. Men tend to be fairly obvious when they want something.

Opinion Guy

Lin

Hi there, I just broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months. It was an LDR and I broke up because I noticed he wasn't paying as much attention to our relationship as before. Granted, he served in the war and came back in late June. It's August and he had yet to make plans to come see me. I'd "invited" myself to come see him but he said that weekend wasn't good, what about next? Well, the next weekend wasn't good for me. I just gave up and took that as a sign. I told him how I felt, that he wasn't calling me like he used to. He told me I sounded like a "baby". I was fuming but didn't let him know that on the phone. He just said he'll "try harder". Well, the calls got a little more frequent, but shorter. So I just got fed up. I suspect something is wrong w/ his feelings toward me. HE's busy trying to get his life back after being at war, but I'd think that his woman would be importatnt enough to help him through it. He never called to tell me how he felt...just to say "hi". So I broke up w/ him, saying things weren't working out and that I'd made up my mind. He just listened, then calmly said "well, since you've already made up your mind..there's nothing more for me to say" that was it! He didn't call back in three days, so I called, to get closure, because the phone call ended like this: (him) well, I've gotta go to work (me, fuming): well, YOU GO TO WORK then! (hang up) I was flabbergasted.. and now I'm sitting here wondering if I even meant anything to this guy. We'd talked about marriage and having children and I have been planning to move to his state! what the heck am I missing?

Dear Lin, if you want my opinion...

Your boyfriends feelings towards you have either changed or your boyfriend has experienced some things that have changed him but not necessarily his feelings. If you still have feelings for him and have any intention of salvaging the relationship it will be up to you to make the effort. Keep in mind though that there may be disappointment and heartache for you if you do.

Because your boyfriend has been uncommunicative with you the last few months since his return it's understandable that you have been frustrated and doubtful of the relationship. It's also not surprising that your boyfriend has changed since returning, as it is not uncommon for war to affect people in this way, if in fact his experience in the war is the cause of the change. If you care to know if his feelings for you have changed, or wether he is going through some war related crisis you will have to try and find out from him. Be patient with him and try to make it easy for him to open up. You could begin by apologizing for breaking up and explain to him the reasons but in a manner that is not accusatory of his behavior. Tell him that you are frustrated and concerned. Let him know that you detect his feelings towards you have changed and that if they haven't you want to understand and help him through whatever he may be going through. Don't tell him you think his war experiences are to blame as that may cause him to become defensive. Just let him know you are there for him. If his feelings have merely changed he will hopefully be man enough to tell you at this point so you can move on. If he still cares for you as he once did but is experiencing trauma from the war, your gesture may aid in opening him up. But don't expect an overnight change. Be patient and grateful for each feeling he decides to share with you.

If he is suffering due to war he may be a long time healing. Knowing you are there for him will help. He will also need professional counselling which you might suggest to him when he has opened up enough to you that you don't fear he may become defensive. People who suffer war related trauma are often very defensive on the subject and have a deep sense of isolation from those who have not experienced it. Patience and understanding will be required.

Lastly, there is another possibility...your boyfriend may be negatively effected by war but also feeling differently towards you than he did. If it turns out this is the case it will be a hard decision for you as to whether you remain by him as a friend the way you would a boyfriend you intended to marry. It's not something anyone should expect from you, and not something many people could do. It may in that situation, be difficult to remain active friends at all, and thats understandable. But if it's possible to remain friends then I'm sure he could use and would be grateful for the support.

My best wishes to you and him.

Opinion Guy

Just Confused

Hello,

My wife and I have been married now for 5 years. on sept. 26th. I have a job where I worked a lot of hours and we also have 2 beautiful children. My wife works and for the last 3yrs. has pretty much taken care of most everything at home also. Here is the problem, for these last 5yrs. we haven't done anything outside of our home. we've had our son bought a lot to build a house paid for it in a few months got pregnant again and built a house and for the last years I've worked myself out of my wife's heart. I've also been married before and she cheated on me and my Mother left our house when I was 9 and also cheated on my Father, so in the beginning I had a hard time trusting anyone. I totally trust my wife whole heartedly now, I know she would never do that to me, but she has started going out with her friends and now she thinks I still harbour these feelings and I don't. I never ask where she's been our what she's done, she always tells me before she goes, and I leave it at that. I know this does'nt make much sense because I'm so confused. She told me a month ago she was'nt happy any more and didn't know if she still was in love with me, she still loves me she says, but not in love with me. All this after the week before I decided to make a life change for myself and come home from work at 5p.m. every night. And I've stuck to it for a month now, and I'm enjoying it except the fact my wife is still unhappy. I've made dates with her and we've had fun, but last week I took off work and we spent the day together had a great time, picked up the kids and her sister called and wanted to go to the bars with her, so my wife did and that hurt me because we had plans after the kids went to bed. I got over it pretty quick, but she went out all night, which was fine and I talked to her at 3 a.m.and she said she would be home in a short bit. Three hours later she comes home and I was worried sick something had happened to her and her sister. I told her it was inconsiderate not to call and let me know what was up only after she accused me of not wanting her to go out, and she had a few weeks before. Things have gotten bad since then and I can't figure out what to do. I don't think I can do anything else. She is holding grudges from the past and can't forgive me for them, I know this because when I ask her why she is un happy she names everyone of them without pause. I never did anything to intentionally hurt her ever, I never use words to cut, I rarely raise my voice. Everything I do I have my family in mind honestly. I never have done anything for myself till about a month ago and right now it's been spending time with my kids. I've told her to move out if thats what she wants to figure things out and she does but she wants to take the kids and I can't see doing that to them. I just need an idea on what to do. I'm starting to get numb. We are going to go to counseling ASAP.

Just Confused

Dear Just Confused, if you want my opinion...

I think that you are very wise to go to counseling as soon as possible and if your wife is willing to put the same effort into saving your marriage and family that you seem to have I have confidence you will successfully heal your relationship. I'm really rather reluctant to give any further advice than to encourage you in your decision to see a counselor and to ask you not to be too hard on yourself for your wife's claimed lack of romantic love. Personally I see love as a choice, and not something one falls in and out of with no personal control over the matter. She'll need to learn this in order to have the motivation and effort required to save your marriage. I hope she does. Try to be patient and understanding but don't take to much on yourself. Marriage is a partnership and both parties must work to have success. It's sad when it doesn't, especially when children are involved. Anyway, it's a good sign that she says she loves you still. It's something for her to build on.

One last thing. Don't allow her to walk all over you. Breaking plans to drink all night without calling and then throwing accusations at you when you expressed concern was very wrong of her and if it is indicative of a pattern of behavior she is a selfish and manipulative person. Be strong in your position in circumstances like this. If she continues to be unreasonable and accusatory it's no use fighting, that will only make it worse. But she and you will both know you are not being fooled. Tell her how you feel and leave it at that.

Hmmmmmmmm I said I wasn't going to give much more advice didn't I? I'll leave the rest for your counselor, and wish you the best.

Opinion Guy

Worried Sick

My husband and I have been married for a little over a month now and up until about 2 weeks ago, everything seemed great. Then , something sparked my attention. One night while making love, I felt of his back and he had noticeable scratches ( finger nail sized). I kept touching them, and he pushed my hand away. I asked him where he got them and he said he did not know. Well, I just tried not to let my mind go overboard about what it could be. 2 nights ago however, I noticed more scratches near the middle of his back. When questioned, he still said he had no idea where they came from. In addition to all of this, he acts like it would be a chore to have sex with me. When we were dating, he wanted it all of the time. What do you make of this and what advice can you give me?

Worried sick

Dear Worried Sick, if you want my opinion...

I have to be honest and tell you that it doesn't sound good. However... I don't have access to more information as you do. As guilty as you may already suspect him of being keep a cool head and look for more suspicious evidence. Strange phone calls, lipstick, time spent away from you that he is vague in explaining, perfume on his clothes. Also ask yourself if there is any other possible way he may have been scratched on his back other than by another person. Does he play sports, or work in an environment where this might occur? After reviewing all incriminating evidence if the case against him is as strong or stronger than it was, let him know that the scratches, loss of sexual interest, and any other things you may discover are concerning you, and that you would like to try to clear up any misunderstanding you may have.

The point being that you should be passively agressive. If you come at him with accusations he will accuse you in turn of imagining things or being over reactive and jealous, as well as probably going into denial mode. If you keep a cool head, and make him think you want only to be reassured nothing is wrong his defenses will not be as high and the truth will be easier to read in him. It is also important that you know quite certainly that he is guilty before you do this. I sincerely hope it does not need to go that far though. I hope it is a simple misunderstanding you both can clear up and work through.

Opinion Guy

Happi Harriet

Hey there,

There's this guy that i went out with last year and I didn't feel completely happy in the relationship so i ended it. He took it ok and we have stayed friends. Lately we have been becoming more friendly and we even got together at a party last week. He hasn't mentioned anything about going out again but i think he might. I don't know what to do if he does. I think I like him but I don't want to have a repeat of last summer. I would be willing to give it another try but I really don't want to hurt him if it doesn't work out again.

Please tell me what you think I should do.

Happi Harriet

Dear Happi Harriet, if you want my opinion...

I can't tell you what you should do, but I can give you some suggestions on how you might make a confident decision yourself. First of all it is good that you are considering his feelings in the matter. But keep in mind that although you may both endure some hurt if you break up after becoming a couple again, you can also both endure hurt if you don't make your relationship and intentions more clear to each other, and continue on with one or both of you second guessing the other. This can also cause other negative emotions like bitterness and resentment, and those could ruin a good friendship.

Ask yourself these questions. Why exactly was I unhappy in our relationship previously? Why do I feel more comfortable with him now? Is it because, we are just friends with no romantic commitment, or do my feelings run deeper? Has something changed about myself, him, or our circumstances that might make our relationship different if we committed again? Do I see any reason that things may be more successful this time around? Do I feel deeply enough for him, and do I want to make a commitment?

If you decide that you truly want to try again and can see that things have truly changed, so that the relationship will not fail again don't be afraid to try again. This of course doesn't guarantee success but success is never guaranteed.

If you decide that you do not want a committed relationship or that it will likely not work out, you will be confident about it and able to clearly communicate to him your feelings if need be. It's perfectly all right to want to sustain a relationship as good friends.

Once these things are clear in your mind, talk to him. Tell him that you sense a growing closeness in your relationship. Tell him that you enjoy his company and the closeness, but that you want to know where he thinks things should be heading. Be prepared to tell him your feelings if he asks. Remember he is now on the spot. You risk hearing something potentially hurtful or surprising as a response but you will be prepared. He on the other hand may feel panicked and defensive at having to risk his heart. It's up to you to put him at ease.

Hopefully, whether you both decide to advance your relationship or not, the open dialog between you will enhance your friendship and relieve any stress. Again there are no guarantees. Despite best intentions people can be hurt and bitter. If you have these feelings try hard not to let them harm the relationship you do have. If he experiences them try to be understanding of any irrational reactions he may have and give him time if he needs it.

Wow. On first reading your submission I was sure I could answer you in a few sentences. It seems the problem was more complex than I first thought. Oh well. Such is life. Such is relationships. I hope I have been of some help.

Opinion Guy

Anonymous

I am 22 years old and have been dating my current boyfriend for about 6 months now, and am extremely happy with him. We're totally compatible with each other, and spend every moment that we can with each other. He's totally sweet and loving, and always tries to make me feel safe and secure. I really feel that he is the man I wish to marry, something I have never seriously considered with any of my former relationships. However, recently I have found myself becoming extremely anxious, frightened, even depressed regarding our relationship. You see, I'm simply terrified of being without him; this fear leads me to want to "pull away" from our relationship in order for the hurt (which I feel is inevitable, as in, someday he will end our relationship) to be less intense. We've talked about marriage before, yet he seems to go back and forth on the issue (as in, one day he'll tell me we're definitely going to be together forever, and the next he'll talk about something [ex: getting a house] IF we're still together at that point), which is driving me crazy. I don't want to pressure him on the matter, but I simply can't deal with everything I feel, and I feel that this is putting a strain on our relationship. I've become extremely emotional, to the point that one wrong word (which isn't even wrong per se, just not exactly what I wanted) will put me in a depressed mood for the whole night. I've tried to convince myself to simply focus on the positive aspects of our relationship and worry about the future when it comes, but it doesn't seem to work. It seems like I can't be secure in his love for me until he proposes; yet this could take months or years to occur.  I worry that I'm pushing the best thing that's ever happened to me away because of my irrational fears. How can I get through this without losing my current relationship?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, if you want my opinion...

You need to be honest with your boyfriend and tell him what your intentions are in the relationship. Its very possible he may decide to ask you to marry him anyway but if you're relationship is as strained for him as you say it is for you that possibility becomes less likely. Unless there are other factors involved that you haven't mentioned, the strain and uncertainty you are both experiencing is the cause of a lack of communication and is self perpetuating. You say that you have discussed marriage positively in the past. That suggests you are both more or less on the same page and should be encouraging. However, you also mentioned that he at other times speaks as though you may not always be together. This worries you, understandably, and effects how you relate to him, making you stressed, maybe moody, perhaps overcautious. This in turn may cause him to react similarly, and this would cause you to react even more strongly. This cycle can continue, causing you both to doubt and hurt, possibly to the point of break up. Or you can break the cycle.

To break the cycle ask yourself honestly why he may sometimes talk as though he does not intend to marry. Could he possibly be as afraid of being hurt as you? Are there any other reasons you can think of? Try to look at things from his perspective but don't presume anything yet. Because the next step is to talk to him. Tell him how you feel. What your intentions are in the relationship. If he is afraid of being hurt as you are, he will be relieved to know how you feel. If there are other reasons for his hesitancy he will hopefully share them honestly. Be prepared for other reasons. It will be hard, and you will be risking being open to hurt but if you are serious about marrying him you will need to know. As afraid and panicked as you may be try to create a mood where he can feel free to express everything to you. If he senses you may get hurt, he may be dishonest to spare your feelings. After this, if you are both honest with each other, you will be at a point where you are both understanding each other. From there you can mutually decide your future together. And for a marriage to be successful it must be mutual. Just how similar your intentions must be to continue on are up to you and him, but be honest with yourselves. Decide what you want and how much you are willing to compromise to be happy.

I sincerely hope that you find your hopes are similar and that you can make a future together. Your letter made me confident that is a possibility. If that turns out not to be so there will be hurt and heartache but at least you will know it early, saving you ongoing heartache and uncertainty. And from there you can heal and move on.

Opinion Guy