Girl Next Door

Dear Opinion Guy, Since you are a guy, see if you can help me understand MY guy! My husband is not always very interested in sex. So, yes, I know he has a lower sex drive than me but when we do have sex it is incredible for both of us! We've been married a little over two years now and I still don't understand him. We are both in our 50's (second marriage for both) and he does not get spontaneous erections now but still, I would think he would show that he is aroused sometimes! Yet I am never certain I turn him on and it's torturing me! He can come up behind me while I am getting ready for bed and fondle my breasts and say all the right things but then just go to bed and fall asleep--time and time again. I can dress in the sexiest outfits and he turns me down even after a long time of no sex. Recently we'd had no sex for over four weeks and I put something sexy on, got in bed, he started caressing my breasts while he talked to me (THAT doesn't seem like he's getting very aroused, does it?), then he kissed me and went to sleep. Even when we were dating and watching TV at night he would be caressing my breasts under my blouse and be yawning--I mean really yawning. When I asked him about it he apologized and said he was being inconsiderate. Huh??? What does he mean? All it seemed to me was that he was not getting aroused from touching my breasts. And we had decided to wait on sex till after marriage! So it wasn't like it was all old hat. Could it be he just isn't turned on by touching breasts? Or at least mine? (Yet mine are pretty--34C and very firm and round and I am slim and have no serious physical defects.) I wish I knew, for it seems to me he only touches and kisses my breasts because he knows it turns ME on. Could I get him drunk and find out what he really likes that way? Naw, he'd probably fall asleep again. Sigh. In fact, since he gets no erection (except when physically stimulated, or in the morning because his testosterone is high and THAT seems to have nothing to do with me!) how can I tell if I turn him on at any time????

Girl Next Door

Dear Girl Next Door, if you want my opinion...

I'm going to be straight forward in telling you that this is a problem well beyond my scope. I have done some minor research on the subject to try and be informed and will share some of the sources I felt might give you more insight. I also recommend that as well as viewing these sites you continue researching based on circumstances particular to your situation. Something I'm not in a position to do. In my opinion I cant say whether your husband finds you arousing. But I can tell you that whether or not he does it is not your fault. I know this will be hard to accept. I would be insecure in your situation myself. but I believe I speak truly. From what you wrote I believe your husband truly loves you and is concerned for your feelings. If he isn't sexually attracted to you I would guess that he wants to be and that the lack of attraction is not towards you specifically.

There are, I discovered, many reasons proposed for a lack of sexual interest. Ranging from stress and insecurity to disorders and symptoms of physical problems. It will be difficult but you will both need to communicate openly about possibilities, research together, consult professionals (a family doctor is often a good place to start) if need be. I can't tell you the reason for the problem or its seriousness but it obviously exists and from what I have gleaned on the subject there are many ways to remedy the situation depending on the cause which you can discover with help. With some work you can have a healthy satisfying sex life. Just keep in mind not to personalize the lack of interest, and to be careful in discussing with your husband what you can do to solve the problem. It can be an embarrassing problem, although it shouldn't be, and careful consideration and support can only help.

Here are some links I think you may find helpful. For more try a web search on key phrase "lack of sexual interest" :
http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap10/chap10x.htm
http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Sex/sexpsych/sex_problems/no_interest.htm
http://www.psychologytoday.com/htdocs/prod/PTOInfo/pto_term_sexdesire.asp

I hope I have been of some help and remember to keep sight of what the problem is about and not to make it about your attractiveness. The problem is whether or not he finds you attractive. You could be a swim suit model. It wouldn't matter in many cases. You can work this out together.

Opinion Guy

Happily married

The reason why I write to you is not particularly to get your opinion but just to get some things off my chest. The issue has been resolved but I still feel some of the hurt and the frustration. I love my wife. To me she is the most incredible, wonderful and beautiful woman in this world. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her - except lose in a fight. We are newlywed- having only one month of marriage between us. We have had some small fights and big fights during this one month. This weekend was particularly ugly. We had a long drawn out fight. I think she actually enjoys fighting, but to me they wear me out and I feel so spent and hurt and angry afterwards that they last a long time. I believe there are rules and manners in fighting. To her it's all out and no-rules. I want to change this but I don't know how. We had it out and we made up. We hugged, we kissed and reavowed our love and committment to each other. It also lead to some good make up sex afterwards too to boot. So I know I need to close the book and move forward, still I just can't. I was hurt and I am angry. I love her and yet I can't let it go. What's my problem. I will never say anything to her because I need her with me and I need her to believe in our marriage. We will hug and be in love tonight as we usually are. I need a subtle way to tell her how I feel but I'm never communicative with my feelings. Also, when I'm with her, I just lose myself and think her perfect. I hate fighting and wish we never had to. I hear that all couples do. Still, it hurts. I know she loves me and at the core of all issues, we are fine. I just want her to think a bit before she fights. However, at the end of it all, I am happily married.

Happily Married

Dear Happily Married, congratulations on your new marriage. I wish you continued happiness. Now, if you want my opinion...

When I first went over your submission I was rather tired and because it seemed slightly familiar to a situation some of my Acquaintances have been in I was jumping to a conclusion and ready to tell you that you married a woman who was a drama queen, that thrived on intense negative emotions so she could experience the rush and intense pleasure of the positive emotions after. I'm glad I reread your submission before replying. Your situation is not so cut and dried, but i also don't think it's a terribly large problem as long as you both seek to remedy things now. One month is not a long time to be married and at war. Imagine two, three, four, or more years of it.

Upon rereading your story it struck me that although you seemed to profess hating the constant bickering and stress. You also mentioned in a couple of instances how you hate to lose in a fight with her and that you just cant let things go. You claim that you feel She may enjoy the fighting. Do you feel this way because she wont quit, because she can't let go? Does this sound familiar? Maybe her motives for fighting are similar to your own. Two willfull personalities can certainly lead to some grand conflicts. But you can also both learn to recognize and appreciate each others views ,resolving conflict without hurting each other as much as you seem to do, and without being left resentful that you had to "give in".

You mentioned that you have trouble communicating your feelings. I got the impression that your wife does not, but that maybe the way she communicates them is very stressful and hurtful to you. And perhaps your failure to let her know how you feel in turn causes her hurt. All resulting in a cycle of hurt and resentment ready to re flare again and again. Communication is essential to resolving conflict. You both need to learn to let the other know how you feel, and in a manner that is not accusing, bitter , resentful or hurtful. Put aside strong feelings and take turns listening to one another. It's not easy, but you will be surprised at how you will realize things your partner felt or thought that you would never have otherwise realized. Give each other the benefit of the doubt and make resolving the conflict a priority rather than winning the argument. I'll bet you the sex after that will be much sweeter by the way, seeing as there will be no underlying resentment.

The following is a link to a site that demonstrates a very good way to resolve conflict in a constructive manner:http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/5000/5218.html.I hope I have been of some help and wish you and your wife the best.

Opinion Guy

Melissa

Well firstly thanks for having this web-site. You must be a very selfless person for wanting to help people you don't know with their problems. Just an outside perspective, especially from a male would be fantastic. It's a bit of a long story, but I feel everything is important and has some bearing on things as they are now. I've spoken to my family about this, but, well you know parents. There great and there like my best mates, but there opinion is probably biased. lol. Well, here it goes....

I am 19 and my boyfriend is 24 and we've been together for nearly 3 years now. We spend every spare minute together and generally get along like a house on fire.... Very generally as of the last few months. My boyfriend has been really depressed lately and it's just getting worse. I used to suffer depression myself, but I believe that if you fight it and concentrate on all the positive things, you can put it behind you. I think, for me at least, that it can become a habit letting depressive thoughts creep into your head. I feel as though personally, although I have no money, no assets, I am at my peak. I have found complete happiness by simply surrounding myself with true, loving people (my family) and appreciating all the little things. It's really quiet amazing how the mind can work. However, I realize that everyone is different and it's not that easy for a lot of people. I had to hit rock bottom to realize that life is a blessing. What I mean by that is that I took an overdose of aspirin 6 months into our relationship and that has plagued him ever since. (he didn't want to see me in hospital for 3 days) He doesn't understand it wasn't anything to do with him at the time. Which is probably how I would feel too. Actually it's probably exactly how I feel now.

My boyfriend works night shifts in a supermarket where his worked for the last 8 years. It's a dead-end job that he doesn't enjoy at all, but he took on night shifts for the substantial increase in wages.

His best mate from his child hood days has gone to explore Europe and has been gone for the last 18 months. He hasn't really heard from him much.

As I said earlier it's just me and him. He doesn't like my friends and I don't see them anymore and he's become more and more distant with all his other friends. I don't think we've seen them for about a year.

I'm from a very close family, where he is not. His father (an alcoholic) left the family when he was young. His father doesn't ever contact him. I feel he's a bit jealous, or maybe weary of my closeness with my parents.

He's told me that he hates his life. Every aspect of his life. He didn't even rule me out. He 's always negative. He also told me that if it weren't for me he would be in Europe with his friend right now. This was a retaliation to my wanting to join the part time Army.

I confronted him about things a few times now. He's a silent type.... a brooder, I'll have things thrown up in my face from 6 months ago, rather than have him confront me about it at the time, which really frustrates me. It feels like I talk at him, rather than to him. He's not open to discuss anything and he told me that I'll never get inside his head.

I've tried to deal with this in a lot of ways. I'm very reassuring, I'm very much in love with him and I'm very affectionate. I've told him that I want to be here for him, that if we're the best of friends we should be able to talk to one another. I told him that It upsets me that his not happy. I've tried to encourage him to try a change of career, which he wants, but is just not..... prepared to take a risk. And as far as our personal disagreements go, he doesn't think he should have to change...' if things aren't gonna work, there not gonna work' Whereas I believe a relationship without work is non existent....

He's really worrying me as I feel since confronting him he's gotten worse. His answer to everything is leave me then, yet I know he loves me as 80% of the time things are great. I told him recently I was joining the part-time army which wouldn't take my time away from him, but for a 6 wk training camp. He's taken this as me wanting to meet someone else and leave him which is not the case.....

I suppose my question/questions are:

• How do I get someone like him to open up to me?
• How do I explain to him that I do want to meet new people and make new friends and accomplish something, because I don't think living in each other's pockets is healthy? Please keep in mind.... he takes EVERYTHING the wrong way, no matter how sensitively I put it
• How do I reassure him, words don't seem to do it, that I want to be with him only, and he's worthy of it..... I don't understand why he's so jealous..... I've never given him a reason to doubt me and never would
• How do I make him aware of my feelings? I feel his weighing me down.... I feel my happy bubble burst whenever I go to his house and see his blank _expression.

I don't know, I have so many questions..... It's getting very frustrating because I just want us to be happy & he just seems like it's a big joke.... I'm open to criticism, but I don't feel I need to change..... I know it sound like I'm blowing my own horn but I know I'm a good person. I'm very considerate of other people's feelings ( often too considerate ) , I'm not selfish, or demanding, but this is all just too much. Honestly, I'm happier in my families company most days.

What do you think I should do.... Do you think he no longer loves me, but he's to scared of being alone?

Please any advice would be so much appreciated.

Thanks again

Melissa

Dear Melissa, If you want my opinion...

you have a very complicated situation on your hands. It always takes work, trying to understand and communicate feelings with the ones we love. If they are uncommunicative and moody as you say your boyfriend is it can be near impossible, leading to much frustration and heartache. I'm appreciative you were detailed in the background information you provided me, and given that I'll try to answer your questions to the best of my ability.

You asked how to get him to open up to you. All you can do is be honest with him about your feelings and hope he will respond in kind. I realize it may leave you open to be hurt as you have said he tends to take things the wrong way, but that is his problem not yours. Although it is a problem you will feel the effects of if you want to communicate your feelings with him. Have you expressed to him how his inability to open to you causes you pain? You may also want to consider clinical depression as a factor in his failure to express feelings and in his somewhat erratic behavior towards you. Although I'm far from certain he has this it may be worth looking into. If he does in fact suffer from clinical depression, nothing you can say or do will take him out of his funk. He'll need to see a doctor who can prescribe something for his condition. Here is a link providing more information about clinical depression: http://www.feelingblue.com/. In the end though, after you have done all you can do, it will be up to him whether or not he opens up to you. You sound like a caring and demonstrative person. I'm confident you are trying hard to work with him and I'm truly sorry if in the end he is unresponsive but keep in mind, it is his problem and not your fault.

As for convincing him that he shouldn't be jealous of your wanting friendships and experiences outside of your relationship, It sounds to me like you have done all you can. Honestly, he sounds to me like a very controlling person. This is not good. Don't live your life to make him happy. If he is being unreasonable you can recognize it. You've told him how you feel, why you want the things you want, and that he need not worry. If he can't trust and support you too bad for him. You should do what you need to do.

Based on what you've told me Melissa, I cant tell you whether or not your boyfriend loves you. But I can say that even if he does, that is not enough. You deserve to have someone who can be the person you need, who can support you in your endeavors, who is not controlling and manipulative, and who is sensitive to your feelings. No matter how much you may love him, consider that if he does not change, your relationship will only end in unhappiness. Do you think he will or even wants to change?

I hope I have been of some help and wish you all the best.

Opinion Guy

Cold Feet

I don't know why I'm writing you Opinion Guy, except that I've asked everyone else I know trying to find an answer to my problem.

I'm engaged to be married. We've been living together for 5 years, since we were both 16. We've had our share of fights but as my fiancée reminds me, "We always seem to get back together."

From the beginning she has wanted to marry and have kids. Often this has been the cause of some of our worst fights. I really love her and am tired of fighting with her. Maybe marriage will settle things down between us. My friends say I'm whipped and that she's manipulating me .I think I'm just starting to look at things unselfishly and ponder the thought of giving up partying and options of freedom for both our good. What do you think Opinion Guy?

Cold Feet

Dear Cold Feet, if you want my opinion...

You should look carefully at your five year long relationship and ask yourself some questions. What do we fight about? Do we keep having the same fights for the same reasons? Why have I been so reluctant in the past to commit to marriage even though I love her? What behaviors of myself and her make us fight and have any of those behaviors really changed in five years? Will marriage make us change, and if not then what? What if children are involved in a bad marriage situation? Ask yourself these questions honestly and I'm hoping things will become clear, although your emotions may tell you differently, this is a time for reason. Use your head not your heart.

My opinion is that an ideal mate isn't someone who you love so much you will try to change them to your liking, but someone you love as they are and can live with and if either of you changes for the better for that person it is effortless. To Quote Jack Nicholson, an ideal mate will, "...make me want to be a better man."

I'm tempted to give you a yes/no answer but in emotional matters I think it's best for people to find their own answers. I hope I have helped you find some.

Opinion Guy