So mom was explaining the concept of black holes and why she thinks we've got several of them in our house.
"Black holes are especially attracted to places where there's a high density of stuff - it's a well-known scientific fact,"she said.
This didn't sound quite right to me, but my science is a little shaky.
"That's why things keep disappearing around her," she continued. "Anything that gets near one of these black holes is sucked in and zapped out of existence just like that," she snapped her fingers.
Sounds pretty bad! Still, I don't think I've ever seen one of these holes around the house . . ." Of course," she went on, "the ones around here are invisible." Hey, wait a minute! I don't think I'm buying this. Okay, I can't explain how that important phone number mom left on the desk by the phone disappeared without a trace 10 minutes later, but an invisible black hole? Come on, mom!
Mom removed some gunky stuff that had built up under my chin. It was pretty gross, and the removal wasn't too pleasant either. But I did feel a lot better afterward.
I'm usually a very well-groomed bunny, but you know under the chin is just one of those hard to reach areas. And it's partly mom's fault I don't attend to it as often as I should. Whenever I try to clean my chin she laughs and says I look like I'm trying to eat my face. How undignified! Really, parents can be so insensitive sometimes.
It was about 99 degrees in the house today - way too hot to work. This kind of weather seems to occur every year around this time, and I've learned the best thing to do when it's too hot to hop is absolutely nothing. So that's what I did.
Of course, mom decided this was the perfect day to paint the kitchen. Soon she was back, looking considerably worse for the wear, complaining the "the paint keeps dripping down the wall. I give up!"
Gee, mom, why do you suppose it's doing that? Could it be, maybe, because IT"S HOT!?!?! Hellooo! Wake up and smell your brain frying!
Honestly, I love my mom, and all, but sometimes I can't help thinking she's just a few lettuce leaves short of a head . . . if you know what I mean.
Some ugly rumors have been circulating and I'd like to put them to rest once and for all. I am NOT addicted to my yogurt drops! I could stop eating them any time I want - I just don't want to stop. They're really very tasty . . . but it's absolutely NOT TRUE that I'm addicted. Really. I'm not kidding.
Mom climbed out on the roof today trying to track down some of our attic squirrels. I was sooooo embarrassed! Thank goodness I'm a house rabbit. After this, I wouldn't be able to show my face in public for weeks!
I just heard an outrageous news story about an iguana driving a car - I think it was in Florida - who was stopped by a cop for absolutely no reason. Then the cop gave the iguana a ticket just because the human in the car, who was slumped down behind the wheel, was drunk.
What's the deal here? I though when you'd had too much to drink you were supposed to find a designated driver! I just can't figure out these humans.
This morning, while I was getting my relaxing daily massage, I was suddenly struck by an amazing brilliant thought! Wish I could remember what it was. Maybe it will come back tomorrow.
Mom took some of my old, stale treats - which I sensibly refused to eat - and put them outside for the squirrels. "See, there?" she said, "There's nothing wrong with those corn slims - the squirrels love them and the birds are taking them too! Look!"
Well, there's no accounting for taste is all I can say. Those treats were definitely not up to par. Now that mom threw them out and cleaned up the treat jar, everything has its old delicious flavor back. For awhile I didn't think she was EVER going to give up trying to get me to eat them!
Thought I'd try my paw at some Haiku:
It's my first effort. What do you think?
Spent some quality time with mom watching TV - Seinfeld again. Mom says it's really funny. I don't get it. I mean, have you eve noticed that NONE of the characters lives with a rabbit? Not even a dog or cat! What's that all about? Sure it's a show about nothing, but for a bunny, at least, sometimes nothing just isn't enough.
A couple of dull days. I shed some fur and ate lettuce.
Slept in the closet last night. It was cozy and warm next to an old and neglect pair of mom's shoes. I could teel when I sniffed them over that they hadn't been anywhere for a long time. I thought they might be feeling lonely, but they were just fine for snuggling up against.
I like shoes - I find them strangely comforting. They're about the same shape as a bunny lying in the sphinx position (some refer to it as the "meatloaf" position), and they're always quiet and unassuming. The ones that get worn regularly always smell of interesting places they've been, and I find them just the right size for snuggling with.
I hope that's not too Freudian. (Also, don't go reading anything into that closet business I mentioned earlier, either.)
Let me tell you the REAL story before you hear any distorted versions from other sources.
All through the night the attic squirrels were hatching plots, and the invasion was launched at the crack of dawn, as the advance forces entered through the hole in the kitchen ceiling. It was a diabolical plan, and everything went like clockwork from the beginning. Mom was still asleep and sweeping through the first floor like a well-oiled . . . uhm, . . . a well-oiled tornado, the sinister rodents rampaged, breaking and chewing everything in their path and sending chills through my heart with their bloodcurdling squeeks - "eerk, eerk, eerk!"
Always on the alert, I cleverly dashed up to the third floor as the squirrel troop thundered up to the second floor - there must have been hundreds of them - and I quickly took a defensive position at the top of the stairs.
Still no signs of life from mom - was she DEAF?!?! I thumped a message - "Hey wake up, the barbarians are at the gates!" As the swarm overran the second floor, I was bravely guarding the third floor . . . yeah, that's it . . I was protecting the office. There's lots of important stuff there.
A final ear-splitting CRASH followed by the hysterical chattering of the unruly mob at last aroused mom from her peaceful slumber and she launched a clever counteroffensive, chasing the varmints out the door - one escaped out the bedroom window.
Mom had a slightly different interpretation of the morning's events. As she demonstrated how one of the wacked-out squirrels bounced off the bed and literally flew past her face into the closet in its desperation to escape, she claimed the misguided rodents had ACCIDENTLY FALLEN through the hole and in their panicky search for an exit had knocked ONE wooden cat off a window sill. Three exited through the front door when mom propped it open and circled around to herd them out. The fourth went out the bedroom window, almost taking a nearby lamp with it as it sailed through the opening. Yeah. Sure. Four panicked squirrels ("they were just babies, too," mom added), trying to get out. I don't think so!
Anyway, you can understand why after that exhausting adventure I just wanted to curl up in the security of my favorite box. But, because I was so concerned about mom's state of mind, I decided to stick very close by her for the day. Yeah, that's it, I had to protect mom.
I just couldn't have been more amazed when a dalmatian strolled through the door this afternoon! "He followed me home, can we keep him?" mom said. Ha, ha. Very funny.
It turned out he lives down the block but was playing with his ball on our lawn when mom came home and decided to drop in for a quick visit. I was feeling tolerant, so I didn't object . . . TOO much.
But, really, what was a dog doing out and about on the streets with no sign of his human in the area? I thought only cats were supposed to do that. Mom says actually cats aren't supposed to take unsupervised walks either - it's some kind of town ordinance or something. Nobody's told the cats, though. We've got lots of feline felons hanging out in our yard every day.
Wow! Outlaws right in our backyard - and sometimes they even come in for a little socializing and a fast drink of milk (though it's a practice I strongly discourage). What a cool neighborhood!
I guess I just had one of those bad hare days I hear so much about. First mom tripped over me - she claimed I snuck up on her and she didn't see me when she turned around. Well, it's plausible. Humans aren't too perceptive sometimes. But, really, do I have to go thumping around all day to let her know I'm there?
As I was recovering my dignity and grooming out my ruffled fur, I "accidently" nibbled on some manuscript pages mom had carelessly left lying within my reach. It wasn't my fault, my mind was on other things and somehow the paper was just there and then it was just in my mouth . . . well, you know how these things happen. One thing led to another and I guess maybe I nibbled off a few important words. Mom was really annoyed.
But worst of all, we ran out of my favorite treats! "Guess I'll have to stop at the pet supply store tomorrow," mom said. TOMORROW?!? What was she thinking?! I need those treats today!
What an awful day!
Usually I love a rainy day. They're so peaceful and mom hangs around the house working at the computer - what more could a bunny want? But today I was feeling a little loggy so I spent the afternoon under the bed where it's nice and dark and cozy.
Even the squirrels and pigeons were lying low. I hardly heard a peep out of them all day. I guess they were sleeping in, too. Mom said the weather was really "icky" (it's a word she's very fond of) and I was a lucky bun not to have to make my living outdoors. She was just in a foul mood because she had to go out to deliver a job, then when she got back there were already four more of those nasty little "deadlines" waiting for her. Frankly, I didn't see them, but she swears they were in the office somewhere.
So it was gripe, gripe, gripe all afternoon - until I vamoosed to the sanctuary of my bed. It's my theory that SOME humans (and I'm not naming any names) just really enjoy complaining. Myself, I prefer simply tucking in my paws and taking a nice nap. It's the bunny way.
Mom's having more weird dreams - she says it's the squirrels' fault. They scurry up and down the walls and clomp around in the attic all night. This morning mom told me she was dreaming a bunch of people were sawing and hammering on the third floor above her bedroom. When she went up to see what was going on the whole back wall had been removed to make way for the big maple tree in the yard. She was worried about how she'd get her work done since the wall socket was gone and the squirrels had gutted the computer and were using it to nest in.
I think this was some kind of anxiety dream. I never have those - all my dreams are about nice fields of lettuce, although sometimes there's a big, suspicious-looking cat sitting on the fence. Even dreams need a little drama to spice things up.
I'm convinced pigeons are not very smart. Yesterday 3 of the pigeons who hang out in our yard crash landed on the ledge under the office window. It sounded like a band of punk birds were trying to break in as they all scrambled for a claw-hold on the window screen.
A couple seconds later, when we looked out to see the awful carnage the trio was calmly preening themselves like nothing had happened. I guess crash landings are everyday occurrences for the "nimble" flyers.
It rained all day today. I love rainy days - mom can't do any gardening so she stays in a plays with me.
We read the Sunday paper and listened to our attic squirrels complain in the morning. Then after lunch mom gave me a great massage - just the thing to work out all the tensions from the week. Most people don't know how hard it is to be a bunny. We're wired to stay alert all the time, always listening and watching for danger. That can really take its toll on the nerves!
By the evening I was ready to kick back and enjoy some lovely Mozart concertos while mom caught up on her work. A perfect ending to a perfect day!
Today I celebrated a major event in lagomorph history - the introduction of the Bugs Bunny stamp. Naturally, bunnies all over the world were hopping with pride over this recognition of the importance of rabbits in popular culture. And who better to represent our tricky traditions than that wascally wabbit Bugs?
Of course, there's always someone who has to put a damper on things. Apparently some stodgy stamp collectors are complaining that the Bugs stamp isn't "dignified" enough! As if stamps need to be dignified! At least we know a letter with a rabbit on it will get to its destination faster. What more could you want from a stamp?
Well, I finished anothe rcolumn today and listened to mom read a review of that new dinosaur move, "The Lost World" - all kinds of cool creatures and special effects. Sure dinos are lots of fun, but why hasn't anyone thought of doing a big special effects blockbuster movie about rabbits? We're completely irresistible, PG-rated (except maybe during mating season), and we can be pretty ferocious when we have to be.
Maybe we couldn't wreak havok on San Diego, but ona wild rampage a band of renegade bunnies could do some serious damage to a few tasty suburban gardens! We could call it "The Lettuce World." I could probably knock off a blockbuster screenplay with one paw tied behind by back.
What is it about work that people find so fascinating? Mom's been busy "meeting deadlines" recently, and I'm starting to get pretty annoyed. Why should she pay more attention to these deadlines than to her own bunny? They don't even have the courtesy to show up at the house - mom always has to go out to meet them at some strange location like an "office building" or the "post office." But first she spends lots of time fooling around on the computer and assembling bundles of papers to take with her when she meets the deadlines.
Now she claims she's got three more deadlines coming up next week and, as usual, she's been glued to the computer. I've actually had to resort to sitting on her feet and nibbling her shoelaces to get my quota of attention for the day. It's humiliating. As a joke I hid on the second step from the top of the stairs and waited for mom to start down the stairs when up I popped - surprise!! Well, I thought it was funny but mom didn't seem too amused when she lurched into the wall and spilled her coffee on her t-shirt. I blame those pushy deadlines. They just take the fun out of everything!
I supervised mom while she cleaned my room, as usual, and was ready to settle in for a pleasant Sunday lounging, listening to music, and maybe playing with the computer when mom suddenly informs me "Well I'm off to the Dog Show!" What!?! Spending the afternoon with canines when she should be enjoying quality time with her favorite bunny? I couldn't believe my ears!
She showed me the flyer with the classes being judged: black dogs, white dogs, brown dogs, . . . dog/handler look alikes, smart dog . . . "See, it looks like a lot of fun. I'll get some great dog pictures and blah, blah, blah . . ." I refused to listen to any more excuses. I was being ABANDONED!
So it turned out to be a pretty dull day . . . I nibbled some lettuce and carrots, inspected my territory, finished remodeling my carton condo, and knocked a few books off the bookshelf so I could stretch our more comfortably.
Needless to say, I was in no mood to greet mom when she FINALLY returned. Tomorrow I plan to ignore her till at least dinner time. It's only fair.
Lots of excitement today! Our "roof" squirrel family was doing some spring cleaning in their attic apartment when a big argument broke out. I don't know if dat had moved the couch into the wrong spot or maybe an unwelcome guest had dropped in and started the ruckus. But all hell had broken loose with frantic scurrying, tossing of furniture, and angry squeels back and forth - it really had my poor ears twitching to keep up with the goings on!
Mom told the whole crew to knock it off, then she tried to break up the brawl with some loud rock music. They seemed to like the free concert just fine, though - I think they were even singing alone with Cake. Well it was a catchy tune. But I'm more of a classical music lover myserlf. So I went downstairs to spend the day under the guestroom bed. It all worked out OK - I really needed a day off anyway.
Well, I made it halfway through May before it hit, but I finally came down with my annual bout of Spring fever. I spent the afternoon stretched out in my favorite sunny spot.
A bit later mom started showing some symptoms of the fever, too. She took a break to do some squirrel watching, then helped me groom my new summer coat - I still have a few stray furballs from my winter coat that need to be brushed out.
If you've never tried it, there's just nothing more relaxing than napping in the sun while your favorite human brushes your fur. After a lite salad for lunch I was ready to do some serious lounging. The best treatment for Spring fever is usually lots of rest and fresh lettuce . . . it almost never lasts more than, oh, say three or four months.
This morning mom was telling me about dream last night - she was sitting with a group of strangers in the remains of a burned out cafe on a tiny island waiting for a killer hurricane to arrive and they were all watching a large tan and white guinea pig and a green parrot playing some kind of game. Mom asked if the parrot was too rough for the guinea pig, but everyone said, "Oh, no, they're great friends. They play like that all the time."
"Well, what do you think it means, Esther?" mom asked. I confess, I was puzzled. I turned it over in my head for awhile and suddenly found myself dozing off into a deep sleep. That happens a lot when I'm lost in important thoughts.
Anyway, the next thing I knew it was time for lunch, so I put the dream out of my mind and busied myself with my green veggies. Later in the day, I started thinking about mom's weird dream and became very agitated. Why were there no rabbits in her dream? I know, rabbits generally don't care for hurricanes so maybe they were securely underground. Still it bothered me that mom was dreaming about parrots and guinea pigs instead of bunnies. We love to invent games, too. In fact, I'm sure we're more playful than guinea pigs! What did it all mean?
Needless to say I didn't get much work done today. If anyone out there knows what the dream means, please send me an e-mail (lilbun@bellatlantic.net). I'm afraid I'll get no rest until I can work this problem out.
Today I was hopping around the Rabbit Ring, visiting some of my fellow bunnies on the Web. So many friendly lagomorphs were out and about I only met three of my Ring buddies - Thumper, Dot, and Scully - before my system unexpectedly crashed. Fortunately, I was able to leap free of the keyboard before the "bomb" went off.
I was hoping to get back to my exploration after mom had time to "boot" the computer back on-line, but when I returned to the office I found the two of them feuding once again. I'd give you more details about the confrontation, but this is a G-rated site. To make a long tale short, mom had turned the computer off for the day.
No matter. I had plenty of other exciting things to do for the remainder of the workday. I'd been thinking about investigating that big box of "important files" mom had left next to the desk. She'd mentioned something about "sorting out this mess" someday. This seemed like as good a day as any.
First I peeked over the side of the carton and right off I discovered the problem - there were lots of loose papers on top that probably should be removed. It was easy enough to grab them by the corner and give a good yank - and quick as a bunny they were released onto the floor. . . . well this was a very promising start!
I began sorting the papers carefully . . . the piles quickly spread over the office floor. But this was very tiring work. I needed a little break so I selected the most comfortable looking pile and soon fell into a peaceful snooze . . . drifting off into dreamland . . . when my quiet nap was abruptly terminated by mom pulling my cozy papers right out from under me! "What have you been up to, you bad, bad bunny!?" she demanded. Well, what did it look like I'd been up to?
Honestly, humans! Sometimes there's just no pleasing them!!
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