Poems that I've written over the years...

Selfishness or Innocence?

Confusion is spreading throughout my mind and heart rapidly like a disease. For so long my life was empty and lonely. Now, my life is full again, but it's harder now than ever before. I just can't seem to fit in anywhere. Every night I go to my closet and try on a new costume and think maybe I'll be accepted by someone with this one, but I'm avoiding my true self. I think that is the only thing anyone will really accept. But when I'm done pretending my little charade and take off my disguise, I start to feel that everytime I take another one off, more of the real me goes with it, and soon I'll lose my identity altogether.

Everything is happening so quickly that I'm afraid it will tear the wound on my heart, that hasn't had time to heal. It seems, almost, to be incurable. I can no longer be a stranger to myself. This confusion is like thick, heavy, clouds hanging on a translucent sky. The anguish is devastating to one's inner being. My true self, that has been held deep down inside, is welling up to the surface for everyone to see.

Even though I know God accepts everyone, we still need to be accepted by people and have friends. Maybe I'm just being selfish, to keep wanting everyone to like me, or maybe I'm just innocent and this is really what the world is like?

Pieces

I got the idea to write this from a broken drumstick
Pieces of my heart and fragments of our dreams are scattered all over the floor. There's no one here to pick them up. I crawl around blindly trying to put everything together, but without you, I can't seem to make it work. you are the missing piece to my soul. I can no longer be complete. Why did you decide to break away? I scream out your name, and, through the deafening silence, strain to hear your voice, but all that calls out is that repetitious echo of the door slamming on my heart and on my life forever. At first, I think I'm left alone to bury the pieces, and then I remember the Lord.

Lord, I thought you gave him to me to treasure for my very own? Now, all I'm left with is pieces to a world that no longer exists! Please help me; please don't leave me!

Through all my sorrow, I pause and everything stops...then I hear God's voice saying, "Don't worry, I'm here," and those words pulsate in my mind. When I think I can't go on, He is always there to pick up the pieces and carry me on. Though they are splintered and jagged, dented and broken, He always uses a gentle hand with a delicate touch.

I know I am forever loved because He has a love that is a raging fire that no tears will ever quench.

Torment 2

Gazing, innocent eyes.
Staring intently at the
Blinding yellow jar above.
Desire burning inside
Small, fragile hands reaching;
Finding air.
A straining body; just a little bit higher...
The smell, wafting down...tempting...
Driving insane.
One last ounce of strength reaching up.
Grabbing...
Nothing.
The wanting devours...till finally sleep overtakes.
The child lying on the floor under the cookie jar.

Seclusion

We build a wall around our heart, in an attempt to separate ourselves. Everyone seems to be afraid to let their real selves show or to be influenced by others. We are all narcissistic-we won't give up a piece of us, maybe because we're apprehensive about seeing how others see us. We're so misconstrued by all our feigning that we can't see reality. We reincarnate ourselves. We put our spirits in all different bodies and forms concurring to the association we're affiliated with. We are really maladjusted, but very good at covering it up and compensating. We're too impervious. We feel we have to satisfy everyone. Our feelings become turbid as do our reflections of ourselves. Our souls are like looking into a steamy mirror. Mirrors don't lie, but we are so good at deceiving ourselves, that we can make the image as distorted from reality as needed. We are so refutable. We act superlative to others, yet are so insecure with our selves it's ludicrous. We pretend to feel frabjous to cover up all the anguish we are experiencing. We evade the truth. We are tainted with sin, and every time we withhold our truth, we are seeming to clear away the tarnish, but it always comes back, no matter how much you polish. We have to learn to live with our faults. We really are sequestering ourselves from the truth. We maim or mutilate the facts. We live in a world where everyone is permeated with vehemence and we are intimidated by it. We vanquish ourselves before we give us a chance. We are silently beating and ripping our souls apart. The unremitting blows are now not affecting us anymore-we are immune and numb, yet the certain, habitual rhythm of the palpitation is done subconsciously. If we could hear it, it would be very mellifluous to us. The fear of rejection seizes us and we become paralyzed. The truth is so conspicuous that it penetrates our pupils and we become ephemerally blind. I believe everyone has inveterated in our brains that we are not competent enough for them and never will be. We are repulsed by this and therefore become reclused. We become truly estranged from our bodies. We are encompassed by so many salacious things everyday. They prey upon our minds and hearts and devour us. They drain our souls of everything pure, if we let them get a handle on us. We must block them out of our lives and remember what we are to be focused on. These things corrupt us and if they dwell in our thoughts, can contaminate us. We must keep our eyes toward the Cross and never stray from the Lord. Alone, we will not make it. We are enthralled by nefarious things everyday. This mesmerization could lead to eradication. The tears we cry have become dessicate and we are left in despair. We end up becoming lost beings, wandering around desultorily in desolation until we eventually disintegrate...

Ignorance

The same mindless chatter day after day-you're so ignorant. You think you've found the truth, but you're blind. Your ignorance covers up reality. The one-way path you follow, only leads to ruin and misery. You're drowning in the depths of mindless thoughts. Don't try to understand me. Live your shallow lives, buried in your insignificant nothing. You're living in a glass, sound proof case. We've whispered to you, and now we're screaming at the top of our lungs. Eternity is gonna come and you'll be left behind, confined in your ignorance. Someday, you'll realize your fakeness and discover your tormented soul. You have eyes, but they don't see. They're hollowed out vacuums, sucking in evil and darkness into a bottomless pit of lies and deception.

Some of you even fool yourselves, but God can see through your pathetic charades. You can't even tell the difference anymore. You're so conceited, but do you really think you're any better? Do you hate because you're afraid you're just the same? You think you can live in deception, but when it gets too close to destruction becoming reality, you beg God to help you out. Then, go back to your disgusting, inferior, hypocritical existence. You can't just sit in the middle. Your pathetic emptiness is always there, it's just easier to ignore sometimes. If you don't open your eyes to the Truth, you are all going to be condemned, no matter how 'good' you think you are. Leave your fantasies to dreams and reality to existence. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. And He's also reality.

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