Silly List of the Week:

Suggested Wedding Presents for Recent and Impending Nuptials

• To Todd Manning--Free Spanish lessons, including Latin Dance Moves, and a crash course in how to write a favorable prenuptial agreement
• Téa Delgado--An unbreakable plastic saint, a copy of Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, Todd is from Pluto, and the name of a good broker.
• Antonio Vega--keys to Andy's handcuffs.
• Andy Harrison--Carlotta's cookbook and an 800 number to reach Nora in case of legal emergencies.
• Patrick Thornhart--an explanation of the concept of Family Planning, a get out of jail free card, and a bachelor party catered by Eddie and Mickey.
• Marty Saybrooke--A can of Todd repellant.

Silly Lists from Former Weeks

or are they formerly silly lists? Or possibly former lists from silly weeks? Weekly silly forms? Listless forms of the week? No, wait! I think I've got it! Weak Formal Lisps, am I right?

(any resemblance to the writings of Monty Python's Flying Circus are highly inappropriate,
but quite likely intentional)

• 08/03/97--Fantasies of Llanview's Men
• 7/22/97--Classes taught at the Arts Center
• 7/4/97--Biggest Questions on OLTL
• 6/27/97--Parenting rules
• 6/20/97--Llanview Crimes
• 6/13/97--Shops for the Llantano River Mega Mall
• 5/30/97--How to kill off Guy Armitage
• 5/23/97--OLTL Theme Songs
• 5/16/97--OLTL Pets
• 5/9/97--Irreverent Character Bios, Part IV
• 5/2/97--Irreverent Character Bios, Part III
• 4/25/97 --Irreverent Character Bios, Part II
• 4/17/97 --Irreverent Character Bios, Part I
• 4/11/97--Llanview Sex Etiquette
• 4/4/97--Things to Do in Jail if You are an Oil Billionaire
• 3/28/97--Story Line Suggestions the Labines Probably Should Not Use
• 3/21/97--My List of Things to Do Today, by Dorian Lord
• 3/14/97--Suggestions for Decorating the Carriage House
• 3/7/97--Surprising Items found in the Closets of your Favorite OLTL Characters
• 2/28/97--The Real Reasons Why Ian Armitage Came to Llanview

Secret Fantasies of Llanview's Men

• Bo Buchanan dreams about Nora in nothing but Hank's floppy fishing hat.
• Hank Gannon wants to see just what Carlotta can do with that flan.
• Clint Buchanan fantasizes that Viki will really appreciate those gift certificates.
• Todd Manning wants to make love to Blair on the floor of Patrick's garret.
• Mel Hayes dreams that Dorian will never read another word written by his mother.
• Ian Armitage fantasizes that if he can just hold a conversation with a woman he is not related to, he will be able to jump start his love life.
• Max Holden imagines Maggie, in a little black teddy, handing him the deed to her warehouse and then making love to him on top of the millions he will make from his business deal with Ian.
• Eddie Velasquez dreams of finding out just what an experienced woman like Renee Buchanan might teach him.
• Cristian Vega...okay, it isn't that complicated...what? Does he have to draw us a picture?
• Patrick Thornhart imagines what life would be like if someone would just give Marty some cooking lessons.

Classes Offered By Maggie's New Arts Center

• Juggling the Truth, taught by Todd Manning
• Creative Yelling, taught by Asa Buchanan (guest-speaker Dorian Lord will make a special presentation on shrieking)
• Shakespeare in the Hood, taught by Eddie Velasquez
• Poetic Bomb-making, taught by Patrick Thornhart
• Funky Fashions and Makeup Art, taught by Kelly Cramer
• Advanced Flirting, taught by Ian Armitage
• The Art of the One Liner, taught by Mel Hayes
• Latin Dance, taught by Mickey and Linda
• Cry on Cue, taught by Cassie Carpenter
• Jazz Appreciation, taught by RJ Gannon (field trips to Club Indigo required)

The most asked questions about OLTL

• Where are the Holden twins?
• Why did Javier and Todd spend less than a year in jail, and Alex spend less than a day, when Gabrielle is still in prison?
• Who thought of this Patrick-as-Terrorist/Todd-killing-Guy idea?
• Whose face will Joey be wearing when he gets back from Paris?
• Considering how talented Patricia Elliot is, why doesn't Renee ever have a story line?
• How can little Llanview support two daily newspapers?
• Who is Rachel Gannon's father, RJ or Hank?
• Have we finally heard the last of that annoying flute music that follows Marty and Patrick everywhere?
• Is there any man on OLTL that Téa does NOT have chemistry with?
• Will the LPD ever successfully solve a case? Will Hank ever successfully prosecute one?

Rules to Follow for Llanview Parents

These rules apply to parents, stepparents, legal guardians, custodial relatives
and significant others of all of the above.

• Do not be alarmed if your child changes drastically by receiving a new face and several years added to their age. This is completely normal. It means that they will soon have a bigger storyline than you do.
• Do not expect your children to behave with good family values. After all, you haven't.
• Avoid sleeping with your child's significant other.
• Don't let your child sleep with your significant other, either.
• Do not let your child take responsibility for their crimes. By all means, cover them up.
• If you don't see your child for a while, don't panic. The kid will turn up in time for the Christmas pageant at Saint James.
• If possible, send the kid to boarding school. If boarding school is not an option, send them to stay with a relative or friend far away. They will come home eventually, you just might not recognize them when they do.
• Once your child is an adult, get them to live under your roof. That way you can show up in their storylines even if you don't have one of your own. Do not allow them to get their own place unless they are leaving town.
• Sweet little angels turn into scheming teenaged and twentysomething fiends. Just a heads up. Your parenting skills or personality have nothing to do with how they turn out.
• If you get divorced, make sure the custody battle is as messy as possible. If you lose custody, respond with a criminal act.
• Butt into your child's personal life. Breaking up a marriage is the high point of anyone's career as a meddling parent, but frustrating less serious romances can be fun for everyone, too.
• If you are having personal problems, don't worry too much about your child. After all, if you give them a really dysfunctional family life, they will have much better storylines when they are adults.

Top 10 Crimes in Llanview, PA

1. You can get away with murder, you cannot get away with smoking in public.
2. You can get away with obstructing justice, you cannot get away with poor police procedure (unless you are Bo).
3. You can get away with kidnapping, you cannot get away with yelling on top of the Palace Hotel.
4. You can commit arson, you just can't commit to marriage.
5. You can get away with flying while impaired, you cannot get away with driving while in tears.
6. You can steal another man's wife, just don't steal another man's news story.
7. Brawling with Todd is okay. Brawling with Guy is not.
8. You can get away with committing crimes against Dorian, you cannot get away with commiting crimes for Dorian.
9. Evading arrest is okay, evading the press is a lot harder.
10. You can get away with anything if you are Alex, Asa, or Viki, you cannot get away with anything if you are a non-contract character.

Shops for the Llantano River Mega Mall

• Drew's Scam Shop--We'll fleece ya while ya wait!
• Clint Buchanan's House of Gift Certificates, Good for every Occasion
• Alex Olanov's Self-Portrait Studio
• 'Tonio's Tattoos
• The Amazing Serenity Springs Daycare Center (adult supervision not provided)
• Andy's Scarves
• The Dorian Lord Center for Cramer Women
• Linda and Mickey's Dance Studio
• The Victor Lord Memorial Wax Museum
• Bo and Nora's Junk Food Heaven
• The Asa Buchanan Clinic for Pathological Bellowing
• Eddie's Comedy Club
• Gallery de Cristian, specializing in the works of sullen horny young artists everywhere
• Kelly's House of Funky Fashion
• Bird's Bar and Grill

How to Kill Off Guy Armitage

• Stab him with a shamrock
• The incredible exploding Union Jack cuff links.
• Invite him to be grand marshal at a St. Paddy's Day parade and watch him die of shock.
• Maroon him on an iceberg and wait for his hot air to do a little localized global warming.
• Encourage him to vocalize his opinions about the Irish in the Notre Dame football team's locker room.
• Have him marry Alex.
• Drop the Blarney Stone on his head.
• Send him to The City.
• Drown him in Guinness.
• Shoot him in the back, throw him in the trunk of a car, push the car off a cliff into the Atlantic...wait, that wouldn't kill someone, would it? How about shooting him and having him fall into an icy river? Naah. Drug overdose?

OLTL Theme Songs

• Mel--One Bourbon, One Shot, and One Beer, by George Thorogood
• Alex--Walk like an Egyptian, by the bangles
• Todd--I Fought the Law
• Jessica--Only Sixteen, by Sam Cooke
• Cassie, Andrew, Kevin & Téa--Love is a Battlefield, by Pat Benatar
• Antonio--Angry Young Man, by Billy Joel
• Marty--It's My Party, and I'll Cry if I Want To
• Kelly--Loco-motion
• Ian--Money for Nothing, by Dire Straits
• Hank and Carlotta--Only the Lonely, by Roy Orbison

OLTL Pets

Now that Todd has his pal Bird, maybe there are some other characters that need some animal companionship. Now just what would be the perfect pet for your favorite Llanviewite?

• Andy--a killer chihuahua.
• Drew--a ferrot.
• Asa--a bull to throw around.
• Mel--fish.
• Dorian--Well, she already has Mel.
• Kelly--a toy poodle.
• Andrew--the Holden twins. They might get more attention that way.
• Téa and Cassie--a pair of cats.
• Max and Maggie--a pair of rabbits.
• Viki--a pet rock. Hey, she was married to Clint.

Irreverent Character Bios, Part 4
Everyone Else

• Larry Wolek--Good guy doctor, married long ago to Viki's sister Meredith. Larry is everyone's family doctor, confidante, and Marty's surrogate Dad. Not a storyline in sight in a decade
• Marty Saybrook--.Long ago, Marty the party girl raised hell in Llanview, starting rumors that the Reverand Andrew was having an affair with a teenage boy since the priest did not return her affections. But Marty was raped by Todd and 2 other fraternity boys and became a soap heroine, allowing her to have many scenes with Todd, go to Ireland, have a troubled marriage to a paralyzed...ummm...man, and still become a doctor after only 18 months in medical school. Now Margaret is a Poetry groupie in between her hospital intern shifts.
• Patrick Thornheart--Marty's fiance teaches poetry at Llanview University in between his careers as a police consultant, private investigator, bomb squad technician, theater director, stablehand, and professional hand-holder. May have a shady terrorist past, or may not. Do not look for him on campus.
• Maggie Carpenter--Ex-bikergirl-nun-smoker was constantly rebelling against Daddy the bishop, but now that he's gone she seems primarily interested in getting involved with schemes with Max and brand new twin brother Ian. For an ex-nun she has decidedly few scruples. Andrew's cousin and chief sounding board. Ostensibly teaches hearing-impaired children at a special school, but seems to spend more time tending bar at Rodi's, which she was (ir)responsible for remodeling.
• Ian Armitage--Maggie's separated-at-birth twin is just shaking off his upper-class English twit phase. Rich boy hates his non-Dad Guy for ill-treating Mum and pressuring him. Current goal in life is to get Guy back, though he has no clue how to do it.
• Guy Armitage--Media mogul gets along with the wicked rich of Llanview--with his snide but funny comments he fits in perfectly with land-grabbing Asa and libel-sidestepping Todd. Rumored to have started fatal Irish riots with irresponsible editorial policies. Out to make a buck and will step on anyone to do it.
• Alex Olanov Hesser Buchanan--Asa's most recent ex-wife, an ex-FBI agent who was too crazy to stay in jail after killing another agent. Married Carlo Hesser and took over his business interests the first time he "died", responsible for helping him on his way the second death around. Ex-mayor of Llanview, currently waiting to see if she can wriggle off murder charges.
• Téa Delgado--Sexy Latina lawyer, no longer dating Kevin Buchanan. Came to town to help the Vega family during Antonio's trial, now working for Todd to get Alex off. Ticked at Nora for not offering her an immediate full partnership on talent instead of insisting on experience.
• Mel Hayes--Dorian's main squeeze and Viki's favorite employee...Not! Pulitzer-prize winning journalist has a huge bar tab and a big alcohol problem. Chain smoker. Has become the voice of Everyman very quickly, but Everyman has become a real loose cannon.
• Linda Soto--Police receptionist and Angel Square fixture. Carries a torch for El Léon, among others. Best dressed at the LPD.
• Eddie Velasquez--Another Angel Square fixture, Eddie is the man on the street. He knows everything that is going on in Angel Square and is Antonio's eyes and ears. He hangs out at the community center and looks out after Cristian. Neighborhood joker.
• Charlie Briggs--The Sun's editor, he usually is seen protesting to Todd that what Todd wants is unreasonable. He's probably right, but he is one of the few men who can talk to Todd without threatening a fist-fight.
• Nigel--Asa's incredible butler, also known as little Buckeroo. Will do anything for Asa's own good, even dress in sailor suits.
• Jill--Nora's unseen secretary.
• Simone--Dorian's unseen maid.
• Lou--Todd's seldom-seen secretary.
• Ronnie--Club Indigo bartender and RJ's sometime girlfriend.
• Bennie--Hunky Llanview detective and Andy's partner.
• Emilio--LPD beat cop.
• Mickey--Ex-gangmember and pal of Antonio and Eddie.
• Judge Fitzwater--The baddest babe on the bench, Fitzie presides over most Llanview trials. Irrascible judge has little patience with Hank and Nora's Tracy/Hepburn act.

Vegas, Holdens, and Gannons

• Carlotta Vega--Widower is the former target of Dorian's answerless calls for her maid, but she left that gig to Simone when son Antonio bought her the once and future diner. Spends most of her time behind the lunch counter or worrying about her boys. Dumped Clint, but has been desperately seeking a man since.
• Antonio Vega--Formerly known as El Léon, this ex-gangleader was sent to prison by the dreaded System for a murder that he did not commit. Got out of prison to help police, so naturally when dreams of law school were frustrated by his rap sheet he went to work for inept mob king Carlo Hesser. But love for cop Andy Harrison meant that he started working for the police again, so he got framed for Carlo's so-called murder. Now all charges are dropped; expect him to be law school bound.
• Cristian Vega--Angry young art student Cris is frustrated dating high school girl Jessica. Main functions in life are to explode against the dreaded system and release some of those hormones.
• Max Holden--This former Texas rancher has had almost as many careers as Bo Buchanan; currently managing a radio station, health spa, and bar. He wants to be just like his nemesis Asa, so he is generally getting into trouble. Llanview's unethical good guy.
• Al Holden--Max's pre-teen son. Lives on frozen pizza and video games.
• Frankie and Leslie Holden--Who?...oh, yeah. Max's half-orphaned twins. Frankie has a hearing impairment. If sighted, call child services and get them placed with a nice family ASAP.
• Andy Harrison--This stand-out detective has reached her position as Bo's chief underling despite blowing several major cases, eliminating evidence, and getting kidnapped twice. Has to deal with the egos of El Léon and half-brother Max.
• Hank Gannon--Llanview's DA, Bo's best friend, and Bo's wife's ex-husband. Once on the case, never looks back and will almost always prosecute the wrong person on major cases. Workaholic who makes little time for a personal life unless it means meeting at Rodi's or the diner. Currently trying to get out of Carlotta's doghouse.
• RJ Gannon--Hank's ex-con little brother, currently picking up the pieces from the demise of Carlo Hesser. Has not killed any major characters yet, but that's not for lack of trying. Nora's ex-lover blames Hank and Nora for everything going wrong in his life. Owns Club Indigo and currently trying to start a jazz and blues label.
• Rachel Gannon--Nora and Hank's (RJ?) daughter. Former honors student became a drug addict in law school and ran away to the streets of New York, but after rehab has been taking psychology classes. RJ's only friend in town, since he turned on Alex after she tried to frame him for murder. Used to flirt with step-brother Drew, but no love interest currently in sight.

The Cramers

• Dorian Cramer Lord --Defrocked doctor and compulsive meddler. The sane one in the family, if that gives you a hint about Cramer family dynamics. Currently helping Blair run Melador and chasing after ace reporter Mel, but her true occupation is baiting erstwhile stepdaughter Viki. Spouts wonderfully barbed one-liners, usually at Viki or nephew-in-law Todd.
• Cassie Carpenter--Dorian's daughter and the minister's wife. Used to be a goody-two-shoes, but working for the Banner seems to have boosted her 'tude and her hormones. Has the hots for rival reporter Kevin. Mother of River.
• Andrew Carpenter--Reverend of St. James Church and all-around good guy, who nevertheless has fantasies about throwing Kevin over the bar at Rodi's. Plays sax. Father of River.
• Addie Cramer--Dorian's sister and Blair's mother. Completely nuts. Shows up for birthdays.
• Blair Daimler Manning--Cutthroat cosmetics mogul, part-time newswoman, and champion crier. Used to be married to Asa Buchanan, dated Cord Roberts, and currently wed to Todd Manning. Spats at Marty Saybrook like Auntie Dorian spars with Viki.
• Todd Manning--Fraternity jock, convicted felon and newspaper publisher, in that order. Son of Victor Lord inherited daddy's dark streak along with big bucks. Died 2 years ago and came back last year. Can't decide who he wants to hurt more--nephew Kevin or poet Patrick--so takes on the world instead. Best friend is a bird, but half-sister Viki comes a close second. Will say anything, and usually does.
• Starr Manning--adorable tyke. Someone switched this sweet-tempered thing at the hospital, her parents can't possibly be Todd and Blair.
• Kelly Cramer--Dorian's niece. Model wannabe and college student in major need of self-confidence and an instant cure from foot-in-mouth disease. Once dated Joey Buchanan, now the latest pursuit of Drew Buchanan. Her mother is Melinda, who is in a different looney bin than Aunt Addie.

The Buchanans

• Asa Buchanan--Oil Billionaire, and, don't you forget it, cowboy. Will marry any available female character young enough to be his daughter...or granddaughter for that matter. Looking for wife #9, especially if she also happens to have been wife #6. Hobbies: yelling at family members, obstructing justice, calling people snakes, recovering from loss of $30 million by Carlo Hesser.
• Renee Buchanan--Family favorite of Asa's ex-wives, Buchanan/Holden grandma by default, and surrogate mother to Max Holden. Runs hotel and partner in Rodi's, shows up at most parties, desperately seeking a story line or at least something to do other babysit Asa and Al.
• Clint Buchanan--Asa's Follicle-challenged #1 son, perpetually chasing ex-wife and newspaper boss Viki. Currently bemoaning the fate of his children, who are all victims of SORAS. Sense of humor increases dramatically with romantic storyline potential--has barely cracked a smile in years.
• Victoria Lord Riley Buchanan Carpenter...(aka Viki, Niki, Tommy, Princess, Jean, Tori and Victor)--Newspaper publisher and society matron. Friend to all (except Dorian). Theme song: I'm Every Woman. The saint of Llanview. Ex of Clint; mother of Kevin, Joey, and Jessica; arch-villain in Dorian Lord comics.
• Kevin Buchanan--Bob Woodward wannabe, only cute as a button. Father of the MIA Duke Buchanan. Covets his preacher's wife, but dating Latina lawyer Tea.
• Joey Buchanan--World traveller, formerly a dark-haired teen who came back from Italy as a red-head, a blond will probably come home from Paris. Boyfriend of Kelly.
• Jessica Buchanan--Bubbly teen, currently trying to decide whether to be Mommy's little girl or Cris's red hot momma.
• Cord Roberts--Clint's son, another Texan, off in London trying to find himself or at least his fortune. Ex-husband of Tina, Tina, and Tina. Father of adorable kids CJ and Sarah. Sucker for women who will lie to him.
• Bo Buchanan--Asa's #2 son. Former army pilot, tv soap producer, radio mogul and now police commish (?) Until recently, had the death touch or near death touch for any woman he was involved with. Junk food junkie and dancing fool.
• Nora Buchanan--Smart-alecky defense lawyer who occasionally gets clients off. Married to Bo and surprisingly not dead yet. Mother of Rachel, ex of Hank. Junk food junkie and dancing fool.
• Drew Buchanan--Lying peeping tom, son of Bo. Currently kissing up to grandpa Asa.

Llanview Sex Etiquette
(4/11/97)

• Do get a Hotel Room; Don't get a Hotel Lobby unless you want to be interrupted.
• If you call room service, please wait until after they have arrived to begin your fun.
• If you are planning a tryst in your mother's cabin, please turn off the burglar alarm.
• If you find a member of the opposite sex attractive, fall on top of them.
• If you get nervous about your child's sexual activity, make a pass at your ex-spouse.
• You may arrest your lover, but you may not spy on them.
• If you sleep with your brother's wife, do not tell him years later on the day of his second marriage.
• Faux Widows should not have sex on the living room floor.
• Hotel room keys mean go, mace cans mean stop, Alex Olanov means proceed with caution.
• Virginity is over-revered and overrated...provided you are over 18.

Things to Do In Jail if You Are an Oil Billionaire
(4/4/97)

• Insult judge so that she will deny bail.
• Talk to warden about renting conference room for leveraged buy out meetings.
• Install thousands of dollars of office equipment in cell.
• Bring on the dancing girls!
• Yell at family members.
• Have your butler call an interior decorator.
• Refer to all unsympathetic observers as some form of snake.
• Try and use diamond cuff links to cut through cell bars.
• Negotiate for mineral rights of prison yard and drill.
• Avoid felonous ex-wife at all costs.
• Dock butler's pay for leaving you alone with felonious and amorous ex-wife.
• Make crank calls from pay phone.
• Wonder why the police are persecuting you for withholding evidence in a murder trial instead of looking for the money you lost in a fraudalant business deal over a year ago.

Story Line Suggestions the Labines Probably Should Not Use
(3/28/97)

• Todd becomes principal of an all-girls boarding school.
• Patrick, with his super-human ability to do any job, creates the cure for AIDS while balancing a piano on his nose.
• Tea and Kevin join an S&M club.
• Raphael, Viki's hispanic alter, revives the Arrows and challenges Antonio's Esperanza for control over Angel Square.
• Anyone's return from the dead.
• Addie Cramer runs for mayor of Llanview on the Lunatic ticket and wins.
• Dorian and Larry do Fatal Attraction.
• Blair and Marty realize the real reason behind their endless bickering and become the soap's first lesbian couple.
• Hank Gannon resigns as D.A. to follow his life-long dream of coaching in the NFL.
• Andrew has a spiritual crisis and joins the Hari Krishnas.

My List of Things to Do Today, by Dorian Lord
(3/21/97)

1. Make disparaging remarks about each and every one of Victor Lord's children.
2. Shop for politically incorrect and practically useless but oh so sexy fur stole.
3. Remind someone that I am a doctor, and hope that they don't remember that I haven't practiced medicine in almost two decades.
4. Lie to Cassie.
5. Lie about having lied to Cassie.
6. Seduce at least one man half my age, preferably a Buchanan. Perhaps Kevin is available tonight? or maybe CJ?
7. Go to Llanfair and remind everyone that it used to be my house (and still would be if it wasn't for that witch Viki)
8. Brush up on my biblical curses to throw at Andrew.
9. Talk to junior high sex ed class about the outdated concept of virginity.
10. Find a storyline worthy of my talents, or at least find one that I can show my cleavage in.

Suggestions for Decorating the Carriage House
(3/14/97)

• Tiki Torches
• A Parrot
• A dart board with a picture of Leah Laiman's face on it
• Copy of 5000 Lies to Tell Friends and Family
• Pictures of Duke (What does he look like anyway?)
• One of those really cool volcanoes from the school science fair
• Poster from The Preacher's Wife
• One of Erika Slezak's many Emmys
• Joey Wallpaper
• Dixie Beer Cans

Surprising Items that Your Favorite OLTL Characters
Keep in their Closets
(3/7/97)

• Dorian Lord--13 black candles and a Ouija board.
• Bo Buchanan--An unfinished manuscript documenting his lost weekend with the Supremes.
• Hank Gannon--a framed autographed picture of J. Edgar Hoover in drag.
• Nora Buchanan--a framed autographed picture of Hank Gannon in drag.
• Asa Buchanan--those Aquaman underoos that Renee liked so much.
• Cristian Vega--a Napolean hat and platform disco boots.
• Cassie Carpenter--A giant stone tablet reading "Thou shalt not commit adultery".
• Larry Wolek--a storyline.
• Marty Saybrook--a full-service bar tended by Aunt Kiki.
• Viki Carpenter--The complete recordings of the Grateful Dead.
• Kevin Buchanan--Woodward and Bernstein action figures.
• Max Holden--Frank and Lesley.
• Blair Manning--The Complete Guide to Family Planning
• John Carpenter--A mirror, to practice that special holier-than-thou expression.
• Rachel Gannon--DNA samples from Hank and RJ so she can find out where to send that Father's Day Card this June.

The Real Reasons why Ian Armitage Came to Llanview
(2/28/97)

• Llanview is situated so conveniently--right between Pine Valley and Port Charles.
• Chief Inspector Bass told him that the Palace brews a mean cup of tea.
• He wanted to know how a town the size of Llanview could support two daily newspapers.
• Well, the English babes aren't impressed by his accent.
• He thinks his mother has been buried alive, and for some reason Maggie may be able to help her out.
• It's ever so much more pretentious to have orchids flown from your garden on another continent.
• He heard that there is a local university professor who might help him start the Poetry Channel.
• He finally traced the voice on the other end of that 1-900 call he made last year, but for some reason he still can't find Niki Smith.
• Oh, the endless quest for a good hair stylist!
• To cover his mother's trail so that no one ever learns that it was she who killed Carlo Hesser.

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last updated 5/12/97