You didn't think Llanview's favorite matriarch was funny? Think again! Thanks to some really good feedback and a lot of excellent quotes (Thanks, TV!), Viki Lord Riley Buchanan Carpenter and all of her alters have their very own humor page. So kick back and enjoy as this pillar of Llanview society gets her quips in with Todd, Dorian, and the rest of the OLTL troupe.

Since TV came up with most of these, (actually all of them for the moment) I've put her submissions in blue. If you have a question, comment, or submission of your own, please e-mail me at

  • Viki and Dorian
  • Altered Perceptions
  • Viki's Men
  • Little Brother
  • Calling Friends and Family


    Viki: It's Dorian. She's quite anxious to speak with you.
    Mel: Oh. The feeling's not mutual.
    Viki: Boy, do I know that one. (Debbie)

    Dorian: Mel, I've just called my lawyer. He's on the way over. Is there anything else I can do?
    Todd: Know what you can do? You can bake a cake and stick a file in it.
    Viki: Dorian, bake a cake? That would be more useful in a suicide attempt. (Debbie)

    Viki (to Clint): Dorian just likes Mel? It's like saying a tidal wave is just water! (Tricia)

    Cord:(about Dorian)"I don't know but when she left my office, she was as happy as a clam."
    Viki: "Probably because she just sold you Llanview's version of the Love Canal."

    Viki: Why didn't you call the police?
    Dorian: The police?
    Viki: Yeah, you know, the people with the flashing lights on top of their cars.

    Viki to Dorian: Going somewhere Dorian?
    Dorian: Viki, I didn't hear you pull up.
    Viki: No, I used your method. I decided to sneak up while no one was looking.

    Viki to Dorian: What a shame you weren't here earlier, that's when we sacrificed the bull and drank its blood.

    Dorian: She assaulted me!
    Viki: I'm very sorry I attempted to revive you Dorian. Next time, I'll just let you lie there like a speed bump.

    Viki: Now, I do not normally like to speak ill of the dead, but in his case I wou..
    Dorian: Dead?
    Viki: Yes.
    Dorian: Dead???
    Viki(again): Yes.
    Dorian: Elliot Durbin is dead?
    Viki: What part of yes didn't you understand?

    Viki (to Dorian): Your story has gaps in it big enough to march the Thanksgiving Day Parade through. (Debbie)

    Dorian: That wasn't fair and I'm sorry.
    Viki(stunned): Whoa! Did I hear that? Did you actually apologize to me? Oh, I get it. You want something. What do you want???

    Viki to Sloan: Sticks and stones may break my bones but Dorian is JUST an irritation.

    Viki: Well, surely Dorian knows that Blair asked you to take care of [Starr]?
    Todd: Yeah. Well, what's your point?
    Viki: Oh, yes. Yes, you're right. Somebody else's express wish has never carried much weight with Dorian. (Debbie)

    Dorian: (about Mel): Imagine how wonderful it is to have a man you can finally depend on. I suppose you remember what that was like.
    Viki: Vaguely.
    Dorian: It has been quite some time for you, hasn't it?
    Viki: And you, too, Dorian. That is, if you're referring to men, not boys.
    Dorian: Yes, of course. The Buchanan boys. they do have a hard time growing up, don't they? Except Joey. He was the most mature of the lot, but he had the benefit of me.
    Viki: Gee, Dorian. I'm so sorry I don't have any more underage sons at home for you to benefit.


    Altered Perceptions

    Jean: (about Clint) Oh, God! He's like a dog with a bone!

    Jean: "Tommy is consumed with rage. He can be very wild and out of control. But you know how young boys are. You've certainly dealt with your share."
    Dorian: "Very funny."

    Dorian:(about Joey)"He's never going to believe the things you made me write in that letter."
    Jean: "Wrong Dorian. He bought it lock, stock, and air mail stamp."

    Dorian: I thought you were the one who doesn't play games? Your honest, straight-forward,...
    Tori: Yes, I am. I'm also the one who knows exactly who I am dealing with, and it's kind of fun watching you sweat!

    Tori(pretending to be Viki)"Oh, for Heaven's sake Clint! Can't I try something new every twenty years?!"

    Tori:(about to kill Clint)"The time has come! We're gonna sing...Happy Trails to You."

    Tori: If I were you Dorian, I'd stop fretting over this ridiculous diary and start spicing up th boudior department because you've got one hell of a horny husband. (Crayola)

    Viki and Kevin discuss Viki's visit with Blair regarding the Sun's excerpts of Dorian's novel:
    Viki: I threatened her with a lawsuit.
    Kevin: Good, because that's what we have to do--we have to play some hardball.
    Viki: Yes, we do. I may seem to be only one personality on the outside, but you must never forget that there is a fearsome group on the inside--a force to be reckoned with. And nobody messes with Tommy. (Debbie)

    Niki:(ordering room service)"Well hhheeelllooo to you too! What a nice voice, nice and deep. You know what? I think I would like you to deliver my room service personally so where do I find you on the menu honey?"

    Niki: "You want to be Thelma or Louise?"
    Joey: "Do you remember how that movie ended? The police baracade, high powered rifles, and the car going over into a canyon?"
    Niki: "Yeah..."
    Joey: "Well, let's not do a remake!"

    Niki: "Hey! I've got to hand it to that Tori! She ain't subtle but she knows how to get it done!"
    Tori: "I forgot about Viki's kids. Always around when you don't want 'em."
    Niki: "Yeah, tell me about it!"(laughs)
    Tori: "Oh, shut up."

    Tori: "Oh, give it up Dorian!"
    Dorian: "Viki???"
    Tori: "I'm baaaccckkk!!!!!"
    Dorian:(stand up cheerfully and yells)"Tori!!!"
    Tori: "And can the act about wanting to help poor pathetic Viki. All you want is the diary."
    Dorian: "Yes, and if you give it to me, you'll never have to deal with me again."
    Tori: "But you're so much fun to play with!"

    Dorian:(astonished)"You're going to burn down the Banner???"
    Tori: "It's the only way. I've been working like crazy to ruin it from the inside...a little sabotage here, a little sabotage there.It's taking too long! It's a big place with deep pockets and besides that, that stupid cowboy keeps rushing in at the last minute to save everything!"

    Niki:(to Tori and Jean who are fighting for control)"Quiet! God, you're such a bunch of loudmouths! Worry, worry, worry, worry, worry! You never have any fun! You're so boring! Why don't you let me out? I need a drink!!!"

    Niki(to a Rodi's bartender)"You empty the bottle, I empty the glass. You keep it up 'til I'm flat on my aaa....!"(and laughs)

    Jean: "You're smooth. I like that."
    Suzanna: "Thank you, Jean. I like you too."
    Jean: "No, you don't. I'm not likeable."

    Jean: "That martinette Nurse Clegg says your top notch."
    Suzanna: "What can I say??? She owes me money."

    Jean: "You haven't met Tommy."
    Suzanna: "Perhaps you'll allow us to have a conversation sometime."
    Jean: "One doesn't have a conversation with Tommy. One ducks and hopes for the best."

    Suzanna: "What if all the different personalities could function together, none of them destroyed, integrated into one woman named Victoria?"
    Jean: "Jean is a much less pretentious name."



    Viki's Men

    Clint: I didn't mean to startle you. You looked kinda lost over here.
    Viki: Gee, you and Kevin. Can't a person stop and think for two seconds around here?
    Clint: No. No. We're newspaper people. No thinking allowed.

    Sloan: Alright, you win. Subject closed.
    Viki: Well, thank you for that! I got the General to surrender! Whoop-dee-do!

    Sloan: (About waiting to get married) We're better off anyway waiting at least a day.
    Viki: Why?
    Sloan: If we were married today, we would have to share our anniversary with Alex and Asa. After all the combat I've been through, I don't think I could face that, at least not with a straight face.

    Viki: I don't know who's family is more unpredictable, yours or mine?
    Clint: Your's definitely! When a Buchanan dies, they stay dead.
    Viki: No they don't. Think about it.

    Viki: Now, we have dispensed with the past so there is only one place left to go.
    Sloan: Hawaii?
    Viki: Hawaii? No...
    Sloan: Bermuda??
    Viki: No...
    Sloan: Acapulco
    Viki: No...the bedroom. As far as I'm concerned professor, the honeymoon starts right now!
    Sloan: Viki! That's what I like!!! (As they are running up the stairs)

    Viki: "Do you ever stop being a therapist?"
    Durbin: "It's an occupational hazard like answering a question with a question."
    Viki: "Why? Does that bother you?"
    Durbin: "I see you've got my number."

    Durbin: "You are a lot healthier than you give yourself credit for."
    Viki: "Oh yeah? Then why am I in therapy???"

    Clint: "Where's your op. ed. piece?"
    Viki:(gives him a funny look)"It's in the mail."

    Viki: "Do you want your coat?"
    Sloan: "No. I'm fine."
    Viki: "I don't want you to get cold."
    Sloan: "I'm comfortable."
    Viki: "Get the coat or I will."
    Sloan: "You're hopelessly stubborn. I forgot."
    Viki:(laughing) "That's an unfortunate oversight on your part."

    Clint: You know, if Patrick has been exonerated, then whoever bombed Armitage is still at large. And a bomber walking the streets of Llanview is unacceptable.
    Viki: That's a safe position.



    Little Brother

    Viki: We've been working on my anger.
    Todd: Good for you! So, you are not burning down buildings anymore?
    Viki: Be careful how far you push me Todd. I told you I have been WORKING on my anger. I did not say I had MASTERED it.

    Todd: Can you get the bird's stuff and I'll get him back to the bachelor pad?
    Viki: My pleasure. It will be my delight to go and get the parrot-phernalia. (Debbie)

    Viki: I can't seem that anxious Todd, especailly with Dorian there.
    Todd: What? Did you two get in a fight?
    Viki: We worked on it.

    Viki: What's important is that you would be jeopardizing your own chances for custody when it comes to the court battle.
    Todd: Oh, come on! I got much better lawyers.
    Viki: And your lawyers have a fool for a client!

    Todd comes to the hospital after hearing about Blair's injury:
    Viki: Well, I'm glad you're here, at least.
    Todd: Did you see the way she looked at me?
    Viki: Yeah. It kind of matched the way you looked at her. (Debbie)

    Viki: (To Todd) Well, I think it is time you realize that even the Big Bad Wolf eventually lost, so you should dispense with the huffing and puffing.

    Todd: My nephew's an obnoxious little twerp.
    Viki: Oh, I'm so sorry if my firstborn son offends your avuncular sensibilities.
    Todd: I don't know what that is.
    Viki: Look it up. (Debbie)

    Viki: At least if she (Starr) has been awakened, it would be someone she is happy to see.
    Todd: Instead of an ogre like you.
    Viki: I was about to feed her to the ravens.

    (On finding a possible bone marrow donor for Starr)
    Todd: I know this is Starr's real first chance. I mean, it's like she got a stay of execution.
    Viki: Spoken with your customary sunny outlook. (Debbie)


    Calling Friends, Not-such Friends, and Family

    At the Christmas tree
    Airing office out after Mel smoked in it
    Clint: "Well, I don't know what's worse, the smoke or that spray."
    Viki: "What? I got it out of the maintance closet.(looks at the label) It's Floral Fantasy.(Smells the can fragrance)Oh great! Now my office is going to smell like a harlot with a two pack a day habit!"

    Viki: Extraordinary! I am out of the room ten minutes and they finished it. You guys do windows?
    Everyone: NO!!!

    Carlo: "Hello Viki. A lovely afternoon isn't it?"
    Viki: "It was until you got here."

    Viki(after being reminded of something a long time ago about her father during Dorian's murder trial)"I had been going with a boy and he'd broken it off. I was carrying on something fierce at home, weeping and moaning. My father came in the room and stood there looking at me for the longest time and said,(in her best Victor voice)'What do you feel like doing right now?' And I said something like scratch his eyes out. He said, 'Good.' I heard him talking to my sister Meredith out in the hall. He said, "Victoria's all right. She's not suicidal, she's homicidal. It's perfectly normal.'"

    Viki runs into Carlo at the hospital's blood bank:
    Carlo: Viki. Good to see you here. I dropped in because I heard about the crisis and I thought I could give something to the community.
    Viki: I hope you give till it hurts. (Debbie)

    (After Mel's first big drunk in Llanview)
    Viki: Would you like coffee? Water? Aspirin?
    Mel: None of the above.
    Viki: A gun to put you out of your misery? (Debbie)

    Mel: You might want to use your office.
    Viki: The thought had occurred to me.
    Mel: My apologies. They...umm...wouldn't let me smoke in the city room.
    Viki: Oh, my goodness
    Mel: Uh, oh. It belatedly occurs to me that you yourself might be a proponent of clean lungs.
    Viki: Oh, I like to grab the occasional gulp of fresh air, yes.


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    last updated 7/22/97