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NEWS ARCHIVE Vol. 1

That's right, kids. We broke it. I don't know how, exactly, but somehow, we have managed to make the Internet Link Exchange think that over 4000 people have visited our site. And if you've seen our main page, you know that ain't true. Something weird is going on, sports fans, and we at the Unofficial Carrot-Bird Fan Page are going to get to the bottom of it. Why? Because we ain't got nothin' better to do with our doggone selves.

Meantime, rock star Wesley Willis has already written nine songs about the incident. Sample lyrics from one of the songs, "The Carrot-Bird," which is to be a track on his forthcoming album "Excellent Songs I wrote in the Last 15 Minutes."

     The Carrot-Bird is a fierce creature.
     It is a tree to be reckoned with.
     It can teach those jag-offs to count.
     It is my friend.

     The Carrot-Bird (x4)

     The Carrot-Bird Web Page is out of sight.
     They get as many as six hundred visitors a day.
     They are the internet kings.
     They can break the damn Internet Link Exchange.

     The Carrot-Bird (x4)

You get the idea. Other song-titles in Willis' Carrot-Bird series include "The Unofficial Carrot-Bird Fan Page," "The Carrot-Bird Broke the Internet Link Exchange," "Carrot Birds Scare me to Dehf," "Rock & Roll Carrot-Bird," and "I Whupped the Hell out of M.C. Shaggity Shag (He's Such a Poseur)." We're out like milk.

HELL "TOUPEE" FOR TURNER

Turner, left, with co-director Paglia, right,
in a scene from 1994's "Carrot-Bird."

World-renowned toupee artist Marshall Socks has been snubbed by filmmaker, and possibly closet-baldguy, Jay Turner. Apparently, Socks claims that Turner commissioned the 52-year old hairpiece specialist to create a toupee especially for Turner's film appearance in their 1994 cult classic "Carrot-Bird." Socks now says that not only did Turner not say "Thank you," when he picked up the hairpiece from Socks' boutique in SoHo, but that Turner failed to credit Socks' hairstyle work in the film. Reporters spoke to Socks earlier this afternoon, and he had this to say.

	"Jay Turner has...eh...really hurt my feelings...you know?  I have 
	kept these feelings inside for many, many years now, but I had a
	long talk with Mother last night, and she says the time has come
	to take credit where the credit is due.  I am so proud of that 
	toupee.  It is a work of art, especially in this era of spray-on
	hair and the I-Liked-It-So-Much-I-Bought-The-Company Club for Men.
	Each of the hairs on the piece he wore in that film, and I oughtn't
	mention that he still wears it about, came from my personal 
	collection of hairs from last 10 presidents of the local 4H chapter.
	That toupee is priceless, and Jay knows it.  He was such a dear
	friend.  I mean, I can understand if he didn't want to just come out
	and say "Jay's bald spot covered up by Marshall Socks' Toupees," but
	he could have at least named me as his stylist.  I feel so dirty
	that I'm coming out and saying this now, but I must say...it feels
	so good."

Socks was asked if there was anything he wanted to publicly say to Mr. Turner. His response was this:

	"Jay, you have dishonored myself and our friendship.  If you will not
	credit me and tell the world what a true genius I am, I will be
	forced to show the disbelievers the pictures I have of you.  Don't
	make me do it, Jay.  Call me your stylist, and I'll be a content man."

Turner was unavailable for comment at press time, as he was too busy squeezing the Charmin. His associate, Mr. Tony Paglia, however, was very cordial to us when we spoke to us, and he even gave us some Pez.

	"Jay is not bald.  And I know, because one time, we were talking about
	bald people, and he said this...I remember his exact words...he said,
	'Tony...I gotta tell ya...I am not bald.'  So, you see...there you go."

Paglia was subsequently beaned with large heavy things. He was heard saying "Stop that."

---

	"Oh.  I guess I should have watched the film first before I went 
	and protested.  Maybe next time, I'll form my own opinions about
	something others find offensive before I jump up and protest.  I
	can't talk much longer, because I have to go to a rally at City
	hall to keep that rock band Tim Wumple and the Wumplefudgekins 
	from coming to town and polluting our children's minds with their
	most heinous brand of filth."

	"I just want to say that, though this is Earth Day, we shouldn't 
	just honor the earth one day a year.  I hope people will adopt
	tree-kicking as a daily practice in which they can involve 
	themselves, bringing families and friends...and trees...together."

The Unofficial Carrot-Bird Fan Page woke Mr. Turner from a restful sleep today, passionate about getting the truth to his feelings about the issues, including a potentially damaging rumor that he does, in fact, wear a hairpiece. Mr. Turner, when asked about the late-breaking Earth Day issue, had this to say.

	Give a monkey a brain, and he'll swear he's the center of the universe.

We decided to spend the next couple of hours in Mr. Turner's exclusive palatial mansion. Eventually he stopped sniffing the furniture long enough to answer the questions at hand.

	The protests directed toward Mr. Paglia and my views on trees 
	and the kicking thereof are unfortunate.  They not only show the 
	unwillingness of the general protesting public to look for the 
	meaning BEHIND the kicking, but these protests deny the real 
	issue:  that trees and carrot-birds are not respectively and 
	properly defined in our society.  I believe that Mr. Paglia and I 
	addressed that issue in the film.  It is an issue that begs to be 
	properly addressed, if not legislated.

Mr. Turner threw a couple more rounds of horseshoes, and, seeing that we weren't going to go away, took us on a fabulous boatride to demonstrate that his hair is, in fact, real. No toupee could look as natural blowing in the wind like that. Obviously, it must be hair plugs.

The filmmakers responsible for the film "Carrot-Bird" are under fire today. Environmentalists around the world are protesting the film, saying it promotes violence to trees and to the Earth in general. At an Earth-Day rally this morning in Santa Fe, NM, protesters were up and marching at 6:00 am today in front of a Video Silo video store, angered that the store had the insensitivity to not only carry the film, but that the manager had placed the film into the "Manager's Picks" section. The protesters carried signs that said "STOP KICKIN' IT" and "TREES ARE NOT CARROT-BIRDS," while chanting the slogan "Earth Day every day!"

An unidentified protester had this to say during the rally:

     "I don't know what the heck those guys think they're doing, making a 
     film about kicking trees.  Trees are good.  Trees are not Carrot-Birds.
     My son saw that film over at a friend's house without my permission,
     and now he refers to the trees in our yard as Carrot-Birds, and he's
     always kickin' 'em.  We're here to protect not only our earth's
     trees, but also the minds of our impressionable children."

The manager of Video Silo, Mr. Johan Willamina, says he has had to hire some security guards to escort patrons of the video store in and out safely, for fear that the supposedly "non-violent" protesters may do something rash. He defends the film, and proudly displays a "Carrot-Bird" promotional poster in the window of the store. Mr. Willamina said this to reporters on the scene:

     "I don't see what all the ding-dang fuss is about.  You got these here 
     two guys and they're funny!   They're funny as all get-out!  And I LIKE
     it when they kick it...that's the best part, friend.  Anyway, protests or
     not, its doing a dang good bit of business for the store.  I just ordered
     five more copies of that dang video.  Since all this started, everyone 
     wants to see it.  Heck, its doing almost as good as when the Director's-
     Cut of Showgirls came out.  Well, almost...heh, heh."

At 10:11 am today, a spokesperson for Incidental Films read a press release from one of the filmmakers, Mr. Tony Paglia, concerning these protests. The statement was as follows:

     "I am deeply saddened by the news that reached me of these protests today.
     What upsets me the most is the fact that the events in this film have been
     stripped of their context in the film and are being looked at in a base, 
     meaningless form.  Yes, we kicked that tree, my associate Mr. Turner and I.
     And do you know why we kicked that tree?  Oxygen, my friends.  To release
     precious oxygen into the atmosphere.  You see, most people don't realize 
     that when you kick a tree, it sends tiny vibrations up the trunk, thru the 
     branches, and into the veins of the leaves.  Scientists have discovered,
     through studies done in the last five years, that the veins of the leaves 
     hold oxygen stores, and that trees actually need to be kicked to release 
     that excess oxygen that otherwise is never used by either the tree or by 
     the earth.  So in actuality, what we were doing was creating purer, cleaner
     air for everyone to breathe.  This is what they're protesting?  This is 
     why they're marching and chanting and wasting time?  Today, I ask the world
     to take a few precious moments out of the day and buy a tree and plant it.
     And then kick the living bejeezus out of it.  Well, maybe not that much, 
     but definitely kick it a little.  If those protesters put down those signs,
     they could each kick a tree for a few minutes and help the earth that way.
     We're all on the same side of this issue, so let's not fight.  Watch the
     film, I say.  Understand its meaning.  And then go kick the crap out of a 
     tree, not in violence but in love...for the earth and for each other.  Vive
     le terre!  Vive l'oiseaux du carrots!"

Mr. Turner was dreaming of bendy straws up the nose of Spiro Agnew on a platter of lettuce at press time.

4/21/97

As if it wasn't enough that his reputation is being rent asunder by the whole Hyphen-Or-No controversy, Jay Turner, hundredaire philanthropist and son of Ed, has come under fire by his public for not responding to a vicious rumor that his fantastic head of hair is, in fact, a hairpiece. Mr. Turner's critics note that if the rumor were not true, Mr. Turner would have responded by now. Supporters of Mr. Turner (we know where you live) note that Mr. Turner is a busy man, what with his efforts to feed the homeless and all, and that he simply hasn't the time to respond to every contrived rumor that his critics concoct. However, the situation is further complicated by the fact that one Carrot-Bird fan has claimed to have found a photograph of Mr. Turner sans hairpiece. More on this as it develops.

Mr. Turner still will not comment on the hyphen issue, claiming that it will work itself out and that the Ultimate Truth will prevail.

Even as the hyphen debate rages on, word has reached The Unofficial Carrot-Bird Fan Page that it appears as if Jay Turner, a.k.a. "The Tall One in the Film," may be wearing a toupee to cover a conspicuous hair loss problem. We here at The Unofficial Carrot-Bird Fan Page plan to examine this issue as thoroughly as possible to attempt to dispell or confirm this rumor. We also are trying to get in touch with Mr. Turner himself, in order to get the bald truth. Stay Tuned for the newest developments in this potentially earth-shattering issue.

4/18/97 (Much later...like, around 10:05 am, maybe)

It seems that the world awoke this morning with the word "hyphen" on their lips. Yes, while the earth slept, a cold war was brewing between entertainment moguls Mssrs. Tony Paglia and Jay Turner. Mr. Turner made a scathing attack on Mr. Paglia's comment late last night that the phrase "Carrot-Bird" should be hyphenated. Paglia noted that Mr. Turner has been lax on properly punctuating the phrase that made the pair famous in 1994. Turner, in turn, made it clear that the hyphen, though not Turner's sworn enemy as Paglia seemed to think, was confusing audiences from coast to coast, giving the impression of the presence of a mathematical theme in the film that clearly was not intended. Turner, not wanting to confuse audiences, made a point of leaving out the hyphen/minus-sign without conferring with his partner.

Paglia, from his bookmobile in South Jersey, had this to say at a press conference early this morning:

     "I'm not a ninny."

Much later, when he was a bit more awake and had some delicious breakfast in him, Paglia said more about his thoughts on the matter:

     "That wasn't very nice in that part where he called me a ninny."

After that, he made his bed, did some dishes, and drove his bookmobile around town. His average speed was approx. 12 m.p.h. In a much clearer state of mind later this morning, he was heard saying this:

     "There's clearly something awry here.  That hyphen is important, and 
     everyone except my partner, Mr. Turner, seems to be aware of it.  I
     talked to, like, fifty people this morning, all of them complete
     strangers, and all of them knew that it was a hyphen and not a minus
     sign.  Jay is a good friend, you see, and I know him, so believe me
     when I tell you there is a greater issue here than him being worried
     about the concept of "carrot minus bird."  I...(laughs)...I know that
     I could sit down and talk to him and suggest alternatives, such as:
     "Carrot:  Bird", "Carrot~Bird", "Carrot_Bird", or even the very popular
     "Carrot/Bird" and I know that no matter how much I argue, plead, beg,
     or bribe, Jay will still want that ding-dang space in between
     those words.  I dunno...I think the Masons are somehow involved.
     Jay, if you're reading this, let's talk, okay?  Soon."

Mr. Turner was dreaming of albino frogs with lacrosse sticks basting turkeys at press time.

4/18/97 (Balls early in the morning, I might add)

We received a phone call just moments ago. Jay Turner, co-creator of "Carrot-Bird" and international playboy, phoned us to present his opinion on the whole hyphen-or-no issue. This is what he had to say:

     "Mr. Paglia is obviously off of his rocker with this notion that 
     I wish to remove the hyphen from the English language.  I do 
     not, nor have I ever, disliked the hyphen for what it is; namely 
     a punctuation mark used in order to join, yet allow to remain 
     individual, two words which, when combined, may form a word with 
     meaning greater than the sum of its two parts.  My only concern 
     was that, if written with a hyphen, the title of the film may be
     misunderstood as "Carrot Minus Bird," rather than "Carrot-Bird."  
     Certainly all involved would consider that misunderstanding a 
     tragedy; not the least of whom affected would be the poor carrot 
     who would thereby find itself less one bird.  I weep for the 
     carrotless bird, and for the people who actually consider this 
     topic to be important.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some hair 
     to pull out."

Mr. Turner seemed a touch upset by the previous article, and stated that he called simply to set the record straight, and not because Mr. Paglia is a ninny-head.

     "Hyphenated.  Absolutely.  Can't imagine seeing the words 
     carrot and bird without a hyphen between them.  I mean, come 
     on..."Carrot-Bird" is an institution, practically.  The phrase 
     is even hyphenated on the index of the web page.  Clearly, Mr. 
     Turner is in the process of trying to stamp out hyphens from 
     this page, and I certatinly will not stand for it.  Today, it's 
     hyphens on a web page; tomorrow it's hyphens EVERYWHERE.  
     Spider-Man will become Spider Man... or even worse:  Spiderman.  
     Printing presses around the world will lose money, gradually 
     falling into a painful demise because of the amount of ink they 
     WON'T be using on various and sundry printed materials that 
     contain hyphens.  I challenge Mr. Turner to take a look at how 
     the hyphen plays a vital role in his day to day life and see 
     what surprises await him.  Mr. Turner obviously doesn't realize 
     the importance of the hyphen and is obviously taking it for 
     granted.  What a gross misuse of punctuation."

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