(Due to the UCBFP staff strike, the following article has been written by Starryeye Jones, daughter of extremely rich and strong businessman Lucifer Jones. Starryeye goes to Big Damn Elementary School, and, when asked her age, told us, "this many.")

Ummm. My daddy sed I cud write this cuz of there wasn't any people who was working in the place where they put the news. They stopped making news cause they was all mad at this mean guy in the room where there's all the jello and the swimmin poool. Umm. So they are out there going like, I wantto go swimmin, and the mean guy is like, no, cuz I want t eat sum jello. Ummm. I dont know what else to write. Oh, daddy says I culd write about when I won firist prize with my pet tranchula. He was te bestest trachula in the whole plac. Oh. What else? Oh. Ummm. Bye!

Well, the News Staff is in the office for not even one day and a big kicker like this appears. Rumors reported on this very page of a sequel to "Carrot-Bird" and the signing of the band pants. to record the film's theme song have finally reached the artist who recorded the never-used "Carrot-Bird" theme song, MC Shaggity-Shag. Shag, as many of you may know, had already written a theme song for the rumored film, which has been said to be named "Fat Squirrel," and his statement made today seems to show his displeasure that another musician was chosen over him. Usually MC Shaggity-Shag speaks his mind through his ground-breaking lyrics, but TUCBFPN has a rare personal statement from Shag himself, taken over the phone this afternoon.

     Man, they went all over m'damn head.  Shoot.  I been down wit' them
     for friggin' three years, know what I'm sayin'?  I wrote up a damn 
     song, too.  Damn good one, y'all.  All's I know is all'a'y'all can 
     take ya damn "pants." and shove 'em up ya arse.  

     'S all I got ta say.  Peace out, y'all.  Vote for ya mama.

We here at TUCBFPN eagerly await a response to this. Also, we wonder if Shag has a "pants. (It's Where the Mall Is)" tune coming in the near future.

Fans, friends, family members, web-afficiandos, and of course Carrot-Bird Fan Page staff members alike breathed a collective sigh of relief earlier today when strike leaders and administrators of the Unnofficial Carrot-Bird Fan Page finally met to sign a contract, bringing to end the longest and only strike in the website's four month history. The strike, which began on July 9, was a direct result of contract negotiation miscommunications between the news staff and the website's management. Staff writer Jerry Finkle had this to say.

     The problem was that with all these rumors about Paglia and Turner
     doing a new film, our offices were just crazy, and nobody was gettin'
     any sleep.  So, as it was, we the staff writers were due for a new
     contract, and with all the buzzin' about, we knew the next several
     months were going to be stressful.  We thought asking for extra vacation
     days wouldn't be a big problem, but they didn't seem to go for that.
     In fact, the publisher, Larry Buzzbottom, seemed rather offended at
     the notion, and none of us could understand why.  As it turns out,
     Larry, who's a really sweet guy but he has a bit of a hearing problem,
     thought we were asking for some kind of potato chips. And this went
     on for months, him thinking like this.  Anyway, everything's fine now.
     Tensions have ceased, and we're all really happy to not have to haul
     around those big picket signs anymore.

Apparently, Buzzbottom, who refused to comment on the situation, declined to discuss contract negotiations with his writing staff. His secretary, Willamina Sinkjargon, spoke to us briefly.

	Mr. Buzzbottom is a wonderful employer, but the fact remains that his
    ears just aren't what they used to be.  Everyone, especially Mrs.
    Buzzbottom, agrees that its high time he got a hearing aid.  I mean,
    to think that he held up the news on that page for over a month
    because he thought his writers wanted more Baked Lays...well, it just
    must be embarassing for him.

Mr. Buzzbottom was so grief-stricken on discovering what his writing staff REALLY wanted, that not only did he give them the vacation days they wanted, but he even set up a little plastic wading pool next to the water cooler in the staff lounge, which he said, could be filled with jello on friday nights after work at their discretion.

We, the writing team at the UCBFPN, are pleased to be back, to serve you the latest news about the Carrot-Bird team and their constituents. We hope that our absence has not caused any fans any worry or metaphysical harm. Please, stay tuned for more...we've got a month's worth of events to catch up on. But right now, its time for a quick dip in our new plastic pool.

The hubub around the mysterious rumored sequel to "Carrot-Bird" is heating up. Turner/Paglia fans on the alt.film.cult.carrot.bird newsgroup have begun passing rumors of a title for the new film, which is rumored to be about a fat squirrel Jay and Tony found in their backyard. The film's rumored title is "Fat Squirrel," oddly enough, and may be about the duo's quest to find a fat squirrel hidden in a mass of weeds in their backyard.

Rumors abound about the follow-up effort to 1994's cult-film classic, "Carrot-Bird."

While "Carrot-Bird" co-creators Tony Paglia and Jay Turner refuse to comment on the rumors, they do seem quite a bit like the style of the two eclectic filmmakers. The most popular rumor is of a film about a fat squirrel in the pair's backyard. Turner and Paglia are rumored to be returning in front of the camera to reprise their roles as Jay and Tony, and the style and humor of the film should be similar in vein to that of "Carrot-Bird." Audiences who loved their earlier films and who listen to this sort of nonsense are warming to this idea already, though we here at UCBN caution everyone to please remember that this is only a rumor.

"Carrot-Bird," released in 1994, is a cult-hit among the eclectic-humor circuit and has won many obscure awards for its creators. Their earlier work, "Bowling Fun," is rumored to have been considered for re-release, to be packaged for a short time with "Carrot-Bird." Watch this space for more updates to this important news.