International raquetball star and "Carrot-Bird" co-creator Tony Paglia phoned in this morning with news from our Neighbor to the South. Tony, who is going to Cancun, Mexico, where they have never HEARD of "Carrot-Bird", plans to market the film to Mexican distributors. He is visiting Cancun with his family, as a cover in case the transaction isn't exactly KOSHER.

We have a transcript of the phone call, which was supposedly made while Paglia was crossing the border.

     PAGLIA: Yeah, so anyway, I'm here to market "Carrot-Bird"
          And to catch some rays.  The whole situation in New 
          York was getting to me.

     UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: Sir, are you an American citizen?

     PAGLIA: Yes sir.  Anyway, I'm hoping the Mexicans can dig 
          the film, even though I don't think there's any real 
          trees down here.  It's all just cactuses, far as I 
          can tell.

     UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: Sir, do you have anything to declare, 
          gifts, beverages, fruit bats--

     PAGLIA: None of the above...

     UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: -- cult films...

     (There is a pregnant pause, the sound of a car phone 
     falling to the floor of an expensive convertible, and 
     the sound of a hideous amount of force being applied to 
     an accelerator pedal.)

We're assuming that that was the end of the phone call, because we never got another word from him. The Carrot-Bird News looks forward to more updates on the "Carrot-Bird" Mexican Tour.

"Carrot-Bird" co-creator and loving family man Jay Turner has pledged his support for The Unofficial Carrot-Bird Fan Page, promising to allow Carrot-Bird News exclusive rights to information regarding future films by Turner and Paglia, as well as "Carrot-Bird" updates and exclusive scoops on what Turner's next-door neighbors are up to.

The move, which came as a surprise to those of us who have been with Carrot-Bird News since the get-go, marked a remarkable change in attitude for the temperamental cult-film producer/director. Turner, who has been known in the past for his adamant disapproval of The Unofficial Carrot-Bird Fan Page, made the pledge of support in a banquet held in his honor by the National Obscure Filmmakers' Association, an organization which recognizes the works of filmmakers who hardly ever get their work shown to the public. "Carrot-Bird" co-creator Tony Paglia received the association's Crabson Award for Orange Lighting in 1993 for his "Pumpkin" film.

The following is a partial transcript of Turner's Acceptance Speech for the Beatrice Butter Award for Obscure Filmmakers Who Are Proud of That.

	...this award represents a lot of work and dedication
	on the part of the people who carved it, as well as the
	guy who put the gold spraypaint on it, and because of
	that, I will forever cherish it.  It already has a clean
	place on my shelf, which anyone who knows me can attest 
	that that's quite an honor.
	
	Now, all pleasantries aside, I would like to address an 
	issue which has plagued me for the past couple months, 
	that of The Unofficial Carrot-Bird Fan Page.  Since April
	15th I have been plagued by reporters and fans and little 
	birds, and since that date I have pledged not to support 
	a "Carrot-Bird" website, simply because I did not wish to
	have "Carrot-Bird" reduced to a web entity.  I have 
	realized, however, that the best way to get all the little 
	reporters and stuff to leave me alone is to just give them 
	what they want before they leave to come get me.  Therefore 
	I hereby pledge my support for The Unofficial Carrot-Bird 
	Fan Page.

	The Fan Page has, in my opinion, treated the film in a way 
	that I would approve, choosing to examine it intellectually
	rather than centering around gossip and hearsay.  I recently 
	wrote a JavaScript game for the page, and that was the 
	beginning of the affiliation.  Now it will not stop there. 
	The public can expect possible articles by me, updates on 
	future films, and news from the horse's mouth, as it were.

	I cannot guarantee that my involvement will be all that 
	proliffic, because I am a busy man, what with that little 
	smuggling ring I run in Columbia.  But it will happen.

	Thanks for this award, everyone.  I hope that I continue to 
	deserve it. Be nice to each other, and buy bonds!

We here at Carrot-Bird News look forward to Turner's involvement. This should prove to be interesting.

The Carrot-Bird News caught up with Jay Turner, avid mini-golfer and co-creator of "Carrot-Bird," while he was at RIT leaping from rooftop to rooftop for exercise. When asked about the big Move-In and the recent developments in "The Most Pointless Trial of the Century," Turner had this to say:

	It's nice to actually have a place to stay.  As your 
	page reported, I was very close to becoming a bum in
	a very literal sense.  Tony and the folks down at 
	the House on Rosewood Terrace worked with me and made
	it so that I wouldn't have to hustle my butt on some
	street corner somewhere or live in a bulk-crate of 
	Tang to keep the rain off.  They're a good bunch of 
	people and I have to say that that Tony is quite the 
	snappy dresser.

	As far as the trial and [L'Odeur] go, I'm just trying
	to mind my own business.  [L'Odeur] attempted to strike 
	up a conversation this morning, actually, bringing the 
	weenie-sized Hellhound down to wave its little nose all 
	over my somewhat-clean shoes.  I muttered a few words, 
	and he began to talk about the whole trial and everything, 
	and The Good Lord made his phone ring.  When [L'Odeur] 
	went to answer the phone, I dashed for the door.  I had 
	somewhere to be, you understand.

	Yeah, I expect great things from the collaboration 
	with Tony.  We've done some good things together, and 
	it doesn't need to stop there.  As for the ol' creative 
	mind, it must be dead... because it's giving off more 
	ideas than it needs to (chuckles).  I won't disclose any 
	of the ideas, but rest assured they will be at least on
	par with "Carrot-Bird" and "Bowling Fun."  Especially since
	for every good idea I have, Tony throws me a herring.  And 
	I plan to get lots of damn herrings.

Look for more information, including information on possible upcoming projects from Turner and Paglia. "Carrot-Bird 2"? Time will only tell.

6/16/97

After a tense weekend for all parties involved, Jay Turner has finally moved into his new home. Yes, the man responsible for that big lump on your forehead has, at last, found solace in a new place to hang his hat, a new roost to rule, a place where the heart is. After several tense weeks of ping-ponging decisions and horrible mistakes made by less-than-wise folks, we here at the UCBFPN have all breathed a collective sigh of relief, and have popped the corks of many bottles of fine sham-pagn-ya in gratitude that our hero now has a stable roof over his adorable little head.

Carrot-Bird co-creator Tony Paglia, Turner's new roommate, spoke to us from his second-story bathroom window while he was brushing his teeth early this morning, sharing his opinions on a variety of topics including the new housing situation.

     Personally, I prefer Tartar Control Fun Paste for my
     brushing needs.  Its cool and refreshing, and it makes 
     me feel like I just ate a handful of after-dinner
     mints.  Want some?

     I'm really happy with this whole situation.  Well, not
     the WHOLE situation, but there are parts of it that I
     consider very pleasant.  Of course, I'm pleased that
     Jay has moved in and that he's not homeless.  Its nice
     to know that I can just walk across the hall and we
     can have meetings, rather than going through secretaries
     and other assorted yes-men.  And I'm also darned joyous
     that when I went downstairs for breakfast earlier that
     he hadn't taken the toy surprise out of my brand new box
     of Taco Puffs.  Yes, I'm very optimistic about the whole
     situation.

     [L'Odeur]?  I'm choosing to ignore him for the time
     being.  He's being very childish and difficult, and I
     refuse to feed his need for negative reinforcement.  So
     I'm just being polite and minimal with him, content that
     when I return from Mexico next week, I'll never have to
     smell his cologne-bombings again.  In the meantime, I'm
     training Jay so he knows what to do when [L'Odeur]
     tries to talk to him.  Its actually a very inclusive 3-
     hour workshop that we use to train all the new tenants
     who move in.  Avoiding [L'Odeur] can be challenging, but
     with the right tools and a little Icy Hot on the toilet
     seat, its actually very simple, and it leaves you with
     a nice warm feeling in the seat of your pants.

Paglia wouldn't give us any details on what Turner had told us earlier about a definite new collaboration this summer. All he gave us was a sly grin, saying "People will be rioting in the suburbs."

6/16/97

A dramatic game of "Musical Domiciles" ends up in the culmination of a month-long dream for "Carrot-Bird" fans.

As we have reported before, L'Odeur, stinky French guy and arch-nemesis of "Carrot-Bird" co-creators Jay Turner and Tony Paglia, has refused to leave the room into which Turner had planned to move. But a selfless act by one Elena Cambio, friend to Turner and main squeeze to Paglia, secured an open room for Turner at the last minute, saving the more temperamental of the "Carrot-Bird" creators from a short life on Skid Row. Cambio, who was planning to move into a different apartment at the end of June anyway, volunteered to move out immediately, clearing her room for use. Turner and Paglia are now roommates once again, and we here at Carrot-Bird News can only imagine the future of the arrangement and the film genius that is sure to spring from the collaboration.

L'homme du Francais avec L'Odeur Tres Mal, also known as L'Odeur, exploited a loophole in the law and bought himself more free room and board, further delaying the collaboration of "Carrot-Bird" co-creators, Jay Turner and Tony Paglia.

L'Odeur refused to show up in court on the day of the trial, claiming that the eviction papers were improperly served. The judge ruled in L'Odeur's favor, thereby delaying L'Odeur's eviction, and therefore Turner's move-in day. The court date for the retrial is June 26th. Tempers flare at the House on Rosewood, and this reporter feared to enter the battle-zone long enough to secure an interview. More on the topic as it arises.

Turner and Paglia, co-creators of the cult film, "Carrot-Bird," plan to occupy the same house within the near future. They have stated that plans for a new Turner/Paglia collaboration are in the works.