The Archive

The Quotes

All the quotes that appeared on this page since June 98'.

George's Quotes

George is turning the "opposite notion" into his religion :

George : "And listen to this, listen to this. Her uncle works for the Yankees, and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing, assistent to the travelling secretairy. A job with the New York Yankees. This has been the dream of my life, ever since I was a child. And it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I ever had. This is no longer some crazy notion, Elaine, Jerry, this is my religion." ("The Opposite" - 5th season.)

Here are some quotes from "the outing" :

Jerry, Elaine and George, on why some people might think Jerry is gay :
Jerry :"Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat."
Elaine :"And you get along well with women."
George: "I guess that leaves me in the clear..."

George, trying to convince a reporter that he's not gay :
George :"Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do you want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!"

George's mother and George :
Estelle :"Every day it's something else with you. I don't know anything about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows what you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films."
George :"Yeah. I'm Buck Naked."

George in a classic quote from "The Opposite" :

George : It's not working Jerry, It's just not working.
Jerry : What is it that isn't working.
George : Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable. I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong."

George, trying to get rid of his current girlfriend, in "The Outing" :

George :"You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!"

George, explaining how he and Jerry met, in "The Outing" :

George : "Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since."

Jerry and George try to decide who is a bigger idiot :

Jerry : "You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. This is an idiot."
George : "Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats, for every sporting event in maddison square garden. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, lord of the idiots."
Woman : "You're all winners!!"
George : "But suddenly, a new contenndor has immurjued."

George, using Kramer's pre-active break up idea :

George : So, I'm afraid that I am have to gonna break up with you.
Woman : You're breaking up with me ?
George : Yes, I am breaking up with you.
Woman : Wow!
George : Shocked? Never excpected it, didn't you?
Woman : I thought everything was fine.
George : Well, live and learn.
Woman : Well, I don't understand. You didn't enjoy being with me? Didn't we have fun making the crossword pazzels?
George : Kind of.
Woman : I'm realy confused.
George : Well, I didn't mean to hurt you kid.

George still thinking of a way to get out of the engagment :

George : "If she would just take a plane somewhere."
Jerry : "And then what? Hope for a crash ?"
George : "It happens."
Jerry : "You know what the odds are on a crash? It's a milion to one."
George : "It's something, It's hope."

Jerry, using a restroom with George:
Jerry: "All right, you're on a desert island. You can bring five books. Which five do you take?"
George: "I gotta read five books?"
Jerry: "All right, one. Come on!"
George: "Oh, I got it. Three Musketeers."
Jerry: "You've read that?"
George: "No, I'm saving it for the island."
Jerry: "Let's start this whole thing over. Best Chamberlain: Wilt, Richard, or Neville?"
George: "For the desert island?"
Jerry: "OK."
George: "Richard."
Jerry: "You know, he was in The Three Musketeers."
George: "Exactly. Save me from having to read the book."

George explaines to Elaine why he can't pay for parking :
Geeorge :"I can't park in a garage."
Elaine :"Why?"
Geeorge :"I don't know, I just can't. Nobody in my family can pay for parking. It's a sickness. My father never paid for parking, my mother, my brother, nobody. We can't do it."
Elaine :"I'll pay for it."
Geeorge :"You don't understand. A garage. I can even pull in there. It's like going to a prosititute. Why should I pay, When if I apply myself, maybe I can get it for free."

Jerry's Quotes

Jerry needs to rent a car and he's talking to the woman at the counter.

Jerry:"Do you have my reservation"?
Woman:"Yes we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars".
Jery:"But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservations".
Woman:"I know why we have reservations".
Jerry:"I don't think you do. If you did I'd have a car. You see, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation. And that's realy the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them".

Jerry and Elaine talk about the "kiss hello".

Jerry : This is gonna be my first opportunity to not kiss her hello.
Elaine : What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebodie's face ?
Jerry : It's the obligation. As soon as this person comes in you know you have to do this. I mean, if you say touch her breasts is part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little better.
Elaine : How about an intercourse hello? How would that be ?
Jerry : Elaine, now you're being rediculous.

Jerry's response after Popie peed on his sofa :

Jerry : "My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!"
Kramer : "I'm sure it'll come out."
Jerry : "I don't care if it comes out. I can't sit on that anymore."
Kramer : "Oh, you're making too much of it."
Jerry : "Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural human function. It happens to be on my sofa instead of in the toilet where it would normally be."

George and Jerry, discussing women, in "The Old Man"

George : "Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?"
Jerry : "Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll all be over..."

George and Jerry, in "The Old Man" :

George : "There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?
Jerry : "Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure."

George : "What kind of a person are you?"
Jerry : "I think I'm pretty much like you -- only successful."

Jerry and Elaine trying to decide what to do after not eating at the restaurant :
Jerry : "So you're not going?"
Elaine : "You don't need us."
Jerry : "I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I going to make sarcastic remarks to strangers?"

Jerry and Elaine want to date Keith Hernandez :
Elaine : "So We're going out friday."
Jerry : "Friday?"
Elaine : "yes."
Jerry : "He's going out with you on friday? He's supposed to see me on friday."
Elaine : "Oh, I didn't know."
Jerry : "We made plans."
Elaine : "Well, I'll cancel it."
Jerry : "No, don't cancel it."
Elaine : "This is a little awkword, isn't it?"
Jerry : "Well, franqually it is."
Elaine : "I've never seen you jealous before."
Jerry : "Well you're not even a fan. I was at game 6, you didn't even watch it."
Elaine : "Wait a minute, wait a second. Are you jealous of him or are you jealous of me?"
Jerry : "Any hanningans around here?"

George wants to share the soup with Jerry :
George : "Why can't we share?"
Jerry : "I told you not to say anything. You cant go in there, brazenlie flap the rules, and then think I'm gonna share with you."
George : "Do you hear yourself?"
Jerry : "I'm sorry this is what comes from living under a nazi regime."

Jery goes to a church because of Whatley :
Father Curtis: "Tell me your sins, my son."
Jerry: "Oh. Well, I should mention that I'm Jewish."
Father Curtis: "Well, that's no sin."
Jerry: "Oh, good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes."
Father Curtis: "And this offends you as a Jewish person?"
Jerry: "No, it offends me as a comedian.

Elaine's Quotes

Jerry tells Elaine he won't date Sidra because her breasts are fake.

Elaine:"You know, sometimes when I think you are the shallowest man I have ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool".

Elaine, Jerry and George, in "The Outing" :

Elaine :"Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?
Jerry :"Living or all time?"
Elaine :"All time."
Jerry :"Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev." Elaine :"I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle?"
George :"Lyndon Johnson was uglier than DeGaulle."
Elaine :"I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree."

Elaine, George and Jerry discussing wedgies in "The Library" :

Elaine : "Why do they call it a wedgie?"
George : "Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until... it wedges in."
Jerry : "They also have an Atomic Wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. It's very rare."
Elaine : "Boys are sick."
Jerry : "What do girls do?"
Elaine : "We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder."

Elaine in some quotes from "the subway" :

Elaine : "It's ironic."
Woman : "What's ironic?"
Elaine : "This. That we've come all this way, we made all this progress, but, you know, we lost the little things, the niceties."
Woman : "No, I mean, what does `ironic' mean?"

Elaine : "I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!"

Elaine and her boyfriend try to come up with a new name for him :

Elaine : "Ok, ok. Remi."
Joal Rifkin : "Remi Rifkin ? Should I get a barret ?"
Elaine : "Oh! Stewart is a lot better. Little Stewart Rifkin likes to go shoping with his mother."

Elaine and Jerry try to decide if soup is more important than Shila :

Elaine : "So essantily you chose soup over a woman."
Jerry : "It was a bisque"
Elaine : "You know what I've just realised? suddenly George has become much more normal than you."
Jerry : "Realy?"
Elaine : "Yea. I mean think about it. He's engaged to be married. Your top priority is soup."
Jerry : "Have you tasted the soup?"
Elaine : "Yea, all right, you made the right decision".

Elaine, at the adoption agency with the agent:
Elaine: "Oh, come on. One little baby. Whatever you have in stock."
Agent: "Miss Benes, please."
Elaine: "Look Brian: these people are gettin' a baby, period. Now, we can do this the easy way, or... we can do this the fun way."

Kramer's Quotes

Kramer and Jerry, fighting over the woman across the street, in "The Contest" :

Jerry : "I'm going over to her apartment and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!"
Kramer : "Wait, wait wait... Whoa, whoa whoa-- what did you just say?"
Jerry : "I can't take it any more! She's drivin' me crazy. I can't sleep, I can't leave the house. When I'm here I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile I'm datin' a virgin, I'm in this contest... something's gotta give!"
Kramer : "Do you hear what you're saying? Can you hear it? This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop!? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. I mean, it's incomprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it!"
Jerry : "Well, I'm doin' it. Get out of my way..."
Kramer : "No, you can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime. When we were boys looking through our bedroom windows we would think, 'Why can't there be a woman out there taking her clothes off?' And now that wish has come true and you want to... pfffft... throw it away?!

Kramer tells Jerry about his girlfriend's job.("The Stall")

Jerry :"Ah, you're crazy."
Kramer :"Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?!"
Jerry :"It's impossible!"
Kramer :"Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?!"
Jerry :"It can't be."
Kramer :"Can it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?"
Jerry :"Alright, that's enough."

Kramer talks about the underwear he needs in "The Chinese Woman" :

Kramer : "I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!"
Kramer, wearing boxer shorts :
Kramer : "There's nothing holding me in place. I'm flipping, I'm flopping."
Kramer wearing nothing :
Jerry : "The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gaberdine."
Kramer : "I'm out there Jerry and loving every minute of it."

Kramer, breaking up Jerry and Elaine's fight, in "The Fix-Up" :

Kramer : "Can't you two see... that you're in LOVE with each other?"

Kramer, breaking up a fight between Jerry and George, in "The Fix-Up" :

Kramer :"The next one of you that opens up your mouth and says something, you're gonna have to deal with me!"

Kramer trying to convince Jerry to become a "cable boy" :

Kramer : "Oh look at you. You're banging things. you're pathetic. You're wasting your life. I'm offering you 56 channels. Movies, sports, nudity, and it's free for life!"

Kramer thinks Jerry is O'brien :

Kramer : "There's always been something strange about Jerry. Always so clean and orgenized. Do I have to spell it for you? The lymo, the name, the rally at Madisson square garden. Jerry, O'brien are the same person. Jerry is the leader of the arian union."
Elaine : "Jerry is a nazi?"
Kramer : "I don't believe it!"

Kramer describing the soup nazi to Elaine :
Elaine : "Do you need anything ?"
Kramer : "A ball of Malagettani would hit the spot."
Elaine : "Malagettani ?"
Kramer : "Yes, It's an indian soup, brought to perfection by one of the great soup artists in the modern ara."
Elaine : "Who, the soup nazi ?"
Kramer : "He's not a nazi. He's just happen to be a little exentric. Most geniuses are."

Kramer thinks Jerry's an anti-dentite :
Jerry: "So, you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to him that I had made this little dentist joke, and he got all offended. Those people, can be so touchy."
Kramer: "'Those people'? Listen to yourself."
Jerry: "What?"
Kramer: "You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else in search of a dream!"
Jerry: "Whatley's from Jersey."
Kramer: "Yes, and now, he's a full-fledged American."
Jerry: "Kramer, he's just a dentist."
Kramer: "Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite."
Jerry: "I am not an anti-dentite."
Kramer: "You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes, and some slurs. 'Hey, Denty!' Next thing, you know, you're saying they should have their own schools."
Jerry: "They do have their own schools!"
Kramer: "Yeahaha!"

Kramer breaking up with his girlfriend:
Kramer: "I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How can I be with someone like you? I wouldn't respect myself. "

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