Office Olympics
Each of the following tasks is worth 1, 3 or 5 points. The person with the hightest total at the end of the day is the winner.
ONE-POINT GAGS
Run one lap around the office at top speed.
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just
called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and
grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,
"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry,
I really prefer it this way."
In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT GAGS
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled
fingers.
Babble incoherntly at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I
don't want to have to repeat it."
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle
(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT GAGS
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you
actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with
growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number
two."
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent. As in,
"the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and
mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness,
I'll never go hungry again."
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights."
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you
hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about
it."
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and
act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and
walk away.
Annoy the radio DJ in 20 easy steps
1. Call in when you know a contest _isn't_ on and say "Did I win? Did I win?" very excitedly. Then make the deejay feel guilty when he tells you you called at the wrong time.
2. Same as above, but do it after they already have a winner.
3. Call in and request the same song every two minutes.
4. Every time he puts you on live, call him queer. (works well on talk radio)
5. Or if he's really queer in real life, try to convince him to become straight. Try Biblical reasons.
6. Call in and tell bad jokes and laugh hysterically. Snort.
7. Record part of the show and scramble, staticize (put static in), speed up, slow it down, do whatever you can think of to it, then send it to the station's e-mail address.
8. Call in responses to radio ads to the request line. Example: You: "I'm calling to respond to Jewel-Osco's sale on feather boas. I'm sure they'll go fast, so could you save one for me?" Act really clueless and ask the DJ to find the store's phone number for you.
9. Call and ask for condoms.
10. If they don't play your request right away, call back and cuss them out.
11. If they respond in kind, threaten to sue.
12. Call and say that the current song offends you and ask them to please take it off the air RIGHT NOW.
13. If one of the prizes is from a "prize vault" ask for the most unlikely, outrageous thing you can think of.
14. Throw a tantrum if you win a CD you didn't want that much.
15. Call in and request obscure songs.
16. Or request the last song they played.
17. Offer a bribe to the deejay after you've lost a contest.
18. Organize a protest outside the studio. Make it a subject having absolutely nothing to do with the station.
19. Call in and act like you've fallen madly in love with the deejay.
20. Request a song completely out of the station's type of music, i.e. if it's a rock station, request a country song. Act stunned that the deejay's never hear it. Start singing in an effort to help him recognize it.
26 Things to brighten up a lift journey
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and revue emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,"Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
Send a funny complaint letter
This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the US. The bank thought it
amusing enough to publish it in the New York Times:
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque,
and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer,
of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner
in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank.
I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited
and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh
and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch,
whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offence under the postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as
your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies
of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the
Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they
say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an
extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing repayment.
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping; Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature; Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through
to 8 The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've
chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for"
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
off by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20/page. Enquiries from your nominated contact will be
billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my
account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored
cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents
a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come free), so you would be well
advised to keep your enquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Name withheld
Your humble client.
YOUR AMUSING IDEA HERE??? email it to paul@probertson.co.uk
