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The four miracles of women: There were two guys out hiking when they came upon an old abandoned mine shaft. Curious about it's depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and found a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and found a railway sleeper. With great difficulty the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit the bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole. The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they'd seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them. The man replied "Oh no that wasn't my goat, mine was tied to a railway sleeper." A traveller became lost in the desert. Realising his only chance of survival was to find civilization he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 metres in front of him. Barely conscious he reached the tent and cried out "water...". A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically "I am sorry sir, but I have no water, would you like to buy a tie?" WIth this he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neck wear. You fool!!! I'm dying, I need water" gasped the man. Well sir if you really need water there is a tent about 2 kilometres South of here where you can get some. Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the tent door and collapsed. Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo appeared at the door and inquired "May I help you sir?" "Water......." was the feeble reply. "Oh sir" replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry you can't come in here without a tie." A teacher notices that Little Johnny at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher has Johnny go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find Johnny sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. I thought I told you to call your mom, she says. I did, he says, and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school. A black man found a lamp one day. He rubbed it and a genie appeared. The genie said "i will grant you 3 wishes." The black man said "OK, I want to be white, tall and surrounded by women". "Abracadabra" said the genie, "You're a tampon." An army ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay the very high prices the local vendors were taking. After becoming frustrated with the "no-haggle" policy of one of the shopkeepers he shouted "Maybe I'll just go and find my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price." The shopkeeepr said "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the ranger headed out into the wild that same day and a few hours later he came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought "These must be the two marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then the ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both marines dragged it onto the shore and flipped it onto it's back. Laying nearby there were several more of the creatures. One of the marines then exclaimed "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either." A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job." Two guys go on a fishing trip. They spent a fortune renting all the equipment: the reels, the rod, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, even a cabin in the woods. The first day they go fishing, but don't catch anything. The second day the same thing happens, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving back home, they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught has cost us fifteen hundred dollars???" The other guy says "Wow it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!" There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions. Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of this story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass. Little Johnny's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Johnny seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise..... I have the same problem with his Father."
A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking tart sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce. One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen." Where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a big ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her.
"Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
A bloke walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whiskey. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed Five Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!?" An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by a car. As she is lying on the ground, the driver rushes out of the car to see if she is alright. "Sorry! Sorry! I just didn't see you. Are you OK?" he blurts out. "Everything is just a blur, I can't see anything" she says, tearfully. Concerned, the man leans over the girl to test her eyesight. "How many fingers have I got up?" he asks. Oh no!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down as well" A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 128." A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Aftershock" responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked." A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle". A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown". The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around" There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!! One fine day mister rabbit goes running around the forest and he sees a giraffe rolling a big fat juicy joint and says, "Giraffe Giraffe! Why do you smoke puff? Come run with me and get fit instead" so the giraffe stops rolling his reefer and runs with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing big fat lines of charlie on a mirror. The rabbit says, "Elephant Elephant! Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead and get fit." So the elephant stops and goes running with the two then they come across a lion preparing a syringe of smack. "Lion Lion!" cries the rabbit, Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead." The lion with one mighty roar, squashes the little rabbit to smithereens. "No!", the giraffe and elephant cry "Why did you do that? All he was trying to do was to help you out!" The Lion says "F*cking rabbit always makes me run around this w*nky forest when he's done a few pills"
Teacher: What is actually used as a conductor of electricity?
A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost a fortune to repair". Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy shot will cost us."
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