There was a guy sun bathing in the nude. He saw a little
girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was
reading.
The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I
was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and
the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What
did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the
bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its
nest on fire."
Moral of the story......never lie to kids
A little boy about 12 years old was walking down the sidewalk dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a
whorehouse. He knocked on the door, and the madam came to answer it, saw
him and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted what she was selling inside, had
the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it. She told him to come
in. Once he got in, she told him to pick one of the girls he liked. He asked
her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. He
said he'd heard that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital
and get shots after making love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted,
and that he had the money to pay for it.
The madam told him to go upstairs, and go to the first room on the
right.
So he headed down the hall dragging the frog behind him. Ten minutes
later he came back down, still dragging the frog. He paid the madam, and headed out
the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked
the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the
others.
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
When they leave, I'm going to screw the baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond
of cute little boys, and give her the disease that I just caught. When mom
and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way he'll jump her, and he'll catch it.
When dad gets home, he and mom will go to bed, they'll make love, and
mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work the milkman will
deliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie with mom, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the
son-of-a-bitch that ran over my FROG...!"
A young man wanted to buy a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, as they had
not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of
gloves would strike the right note, romantic but not too personal.
Accompannied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a high class shop
and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself.
During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves
ad his sweetheart was sent the panties. Without checking the contents, the
young man sealed the package and sent it on with the following note.
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any
when we go out at night. If it had not been for your sister I woud have chosen the long ones with
buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on you the first time as no doubt other hands
will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as
they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think of how many times I will kiss them in them in the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love xxx
P.S The latest style is to wear them them folded down with a little fur showing."
There was this girl who wanted to go to a major PARTY because it was her birthday. She wanted to take her friends along, but she had to ask for her dads car first...
"NO!" said dad. "Please" said the girl, "let me borrow it!" "Okay" dad said, "But you'll have to suck my d*ck first".
"SUCK YOUR D*CK!?!" the girl shouted, "are you crazy?"
The girl went to her friend and told em the story. "c'mon" her friends said, "ask again!"
right, the girl went back to the dad and asked it again. "Okay, but you know it, suck my d*ck first".
that was a big dissapointment for the girl and she went back to her friends. they said: "c'mon, do it, suck his d*ck!"
Okay, the girl said. she wanted to go to the party so badly! So, back to her dad: "OK, i'll do it"
"Okay", dad smiled and took his pants off. The girl screamed: "DAD, that's dirty! your d*ck is full of sh*te!!"
DAD: "Oh yes, i forgot all about it, your brother has the car..."
An Aussie is having his 'petit dejeuner' (coffee, croissants, bread,
butter & jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Aussie ignores the American who, never the less, starts a
conversation.
American: "You Aussie folk eat the whole bread??"
Aussie (in a bad mood): "Of course."
American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the States,we only
eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The American has a smirk on his face. The Aussie listens in silence. The
American persists: "D'ya eat jam with the bread??"
Aussie: "Of course."
American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling)."We
don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
peels,seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them
into jam and sell the jam to Australia."
The Aussie then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.
Aussie: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
American: "We throw them away, of course."
Aussie: "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."
Two Kiwi's are working on a Building site in Auckland. Phul (Phil) & Muck (Mick). Anyway Phul turns to Muck & says "I've gotta take a piss, but theres no where to go, eh".
"Walk out to the ind of thit plank" replys Muck "I'll stand on this ind & balance ut"
"Are You sure Muck?"
"Yis, no worries"
"100% ?"
"YIS !"
So out goes Phul to take a piss & the lunch siren sounds, Muck forgets
what he's supposed to be doing & steps off the plank & Phul is a goner.
Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman & a bloke from New
Zealand are sitting in a Bar discussing which of their respective nations
chase women the hardest...
Bruce the aussie says "Mate I've been known to miss a piss up session
down the Pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheila's!"
Pierre, the Frenchman says "No, No, No, Ve French chase ze women with much zest &
give them gifts of love like french champagne to win their affection, it
is us vor sure"
Meanwhile Bob (the Kiwi) sits laughing & says "No, you blokes
are both wrong, the other days I was walking past a Building site
in Auckland following these 2 gorgeous looking Birds, and this bloke
came plummetting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming
"CUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTT"
How to impress a woman:
Compliment her
cuddle her
kiss her
caress her
love her
stroke her
tease her
comfort her
protect her
hug her
hold her
spend money on her
wine & dine her
buy things for her
listen to her
are for her
stand by her
support her
go to the ends of the earth for her....
How to impress a man:
Show up naked
Bring beer
A boyfriend is taking his girlfriend out for a spin in his new sports car.
His girlfriend says to him "If you get the car over 150mph, I'll strip in the car for you".
The boyfriend revs up the car and slowly he gets it upto 160mph, and his girlfriend starts to strip for him. He is slightly distracted by what she is doing and crashes the car. It rolls over and he becomes trapped underneath it.
Although he is stuck his girlfriend is free, so he says "go up to that service station back there and get help", his girlfriend replies "But I can't I havent got any clothes on". So her boyfriend says "take my shoe and cover up your (cough,cough - get the point?)". So she walks up to the service station with the shoe covering her lower region.
When she gets to the reception she says to the man "Help my boyfriend is stuck" and the bloke behind reception replies with "Sorry, He's a bit too far up!"
(Think where the shoe is!)
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled accross an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, 'Ok ok you've released me from the lamp blah blah....this is the fourth time today and I'm getting pissed off. Forget the three wishes - you're only getting ONE.'
So the man thought about it for a while, and said, 'I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared of flying and I get seasick. Can you build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there?'
The genie said, 'For fook's sake man, that's impossible!! Think about it - how would the supports reach the bottom of the Pacific?! Think of the concrete, the steel. No that's bollocks, think again.'
The man thought again and said, 'I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have all said that I don't care and I'm insensitive. I'd really like to understand women - why they cry, what they want, how to make them really happy.'
The genie replied, 'You want that bridge two lanes or four?'
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
12 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, golf, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you
missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer me on my back or
kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley. He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's o.k., my name is Kevin, I'm gay and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."
Who is Jack Schitt? - The Lineage is Finally Revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You
don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple had six little Schitts: Hollie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
However, after being married fifteen years Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was subsequently known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced one son of a nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood, and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual wedding ceremony. The local newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd And Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the
world. He recently returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt" you can correct them.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
| English phrase | Chinese Interpretation |
|---|
| Are you harboring a fugitive? | Hu Yu Hai Ding? |
| See me A.S.A.P. | Kum Hia Nao |
| Stupid Man | Dum Gai |
| Small Horse | Tai Ni Po Ni |
| Your price is too high!! | No Bai Dam Thing!! |
| Did you go to the beach? | Wai Yu So Tan? |
| I bumped into a coffee table | Ai Bang Mai Ni |
| I think you need a facelift | Chin Tu Fat |
| It's very dark in here | Wai So Dim? |
| Has your flight been delayed? | Hao Long Wei Ting? |
| I thought you were on a diet | Wai Yu Mun Ching? |
| This is a tow away zone | No Pah King |
| You are not very bright | Yu So Dum |
| I got this for free | Ai No Pei |
| I am not guilty | Wai Hang Mi? |
| Please, stay a while longer | Wai Go Nao? |
| They have arrived | Hia Dei Kum |
| Stay out of sight | Lei Lo |
| He's cleaning his automobile | Wa Shing Ka |
| Your body odor is offensive | Hu Man Go! |
| Pew! does this bathroom stink! | Hu Flung Dung? |
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
New Medical Terms
AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the Jackson Five
PSEUDONYMHOMANIA: Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name
DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before
HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.
HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool
HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50
CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: herbal-tea addiction
VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit
ALPOPLEXY: Canine feeding disorder
STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME: Excessive displays of affection
SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will
ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien
POST-DRAMATIC STRESS DISORDER: Formerly David Caruso/Shelley Long Syndrome
RUMBATOID ARTHRITIS: Joint stiffness caused by "La Vida Loca"
OREOPOROSIS: Discorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor." "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you dont stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming 'oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina'. The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife. The doctor said, "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow the scent and come out of your wife's vagina." The Husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said, "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began going at it with the young lady very hard. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor" she shouted.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young ladies breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?" he blasted. The doctor, still concentrating replied, "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
The following is a true story from a tech support consultant who worked at netscape:
Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?
Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately!
Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?
Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web browser!
Tech: We didn't put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser.
Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I'm looking at them right now!
(Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself)
Tech: Where exactly are these "bookmarks" located?
Female Customer: In Netscape!
Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?
Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down arrow!
Tech: The one right above the Net Search button?
Female Customer: Yes that one!
Tech: Miss, that's the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the past ten links you typed in that box. The only way to put an address in that box is for someone to physically sit at your computer and type in a web address.
Female Customer: Well I certainly didn't type in those X rated web addresses!
Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer, and uses the Internet?
Female Customer: Just me and my husband!
(Several seconds of silence pass....Hey! I wasn't going to say it!)
Female Customer:........oh............. OOOH! ... Thank you.
(She quickly hung up)
A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and the doctor inquires as to how things went. "Oh it was horrible, just terrible doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."
"What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
The CIA had were interviewing applicants for an assassin's job. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, to men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took the first man to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"
"You can't be serious," said the man, "I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried," he said, "but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes; take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another, until the clip was empty. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "Somebody loaded the gun with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the
newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY:
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional
Information In Block 3 of the accident report form. I put " Poor
planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller
explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my
work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found
to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in
a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so
suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of The building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the Barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the
Broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe
lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly.
The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.
YOUR JOKE HERE??? email it to paul@probertson.co.uk
