But He Loves Me


Articles Dante Alighieri Arthur Dent Jesus Jones Thomas Paine Other Authors Contact Us! Letter to the Editor Dante Alighieri Arthur Dent Jesus Jones Thomas Paine	But He Loves Me Jesus Jones Slightly over a year ago, I got with a wonderful guy. My friends didn't know him, but I didn't worry - I was a confident girl who didn't take crap from anyone, let alone a dumb guy. Sadly, none of us knew how emotionally abusive he was. Emotional abuse affects nearly half of all women. It is the most difficult abuse to detect because it leaves no visible marks and can occur without one foul word leaving the abuser's mouth. My abuser never struck or swore at me - he knew I would leave him in a heartbeat. Instead, he whittled down my self-esteem until my whole world focused solely on him. Through his manipulation, I became isolated from everyone; he twisted my psyche until I felt that I was nothing without him. The abusive cycle starts with the Honeymoon Stage. Here, the abuser appears to be the sweetest guy ever, the man of the girl's dreams. Mine lovingly held me in his arms and told me for hours how wonderful I was - and I ate it right up. Who wouldn't? This is love, he convinced me; this is as good as it gets, and you'll only get it with me. Then the games begin. The abuser stands his victim up, perhaps, or comes hours late to a gathering he never wanted to attend, but promised he would. She expresses her fury, and he apologizes profusely, and then buys her a dozen roses and makes a big show of his apology. She feels cared about, loved, maybe even overly doted upon, and forgives him. If she expresses concern about being smothered, he says things like, "I care about you too much to be without you." If she protests, she's the bad guy. Now, things begin to change. He acts edgy. She asks if anything's wrong. He shrugs her off. Soon, he'll begin degrading her. I got a lot of, "God, you're short. I wish I realized how short you were before we started dating," and "Your best friend's gay, isn't he? All your friends are creeps." Soon enough she'll get angry. He'll say she's crazy, that he meant no harm, and that she shouldn't be offended. He loves her and would never hurt her; why is she attacking him? The argument will go on for hours, but eventually the girl will acquiesce and convince herself that she's the one picking the fight, that something's wrong with her. It then reverts to the Honeymoon Stage. This becomes a pattern until she thoroughly doubts her own judgment, making her less likely to confront him again. Since he attacks her friends and family, she slowly begins to withdraw from them, as she turns to him for all of her emotional support. Now that she's not confiding in anyone anymore, there's no one to tell her that he's the crazy one and that she needs to get the hell away from him. As the abuser becomes worse, the victim feels more and more isolated because she has cut ties with everyone else in her life. She has no one. Eventually, it may dawn on this girl that she's miserable, and she may try to leave. However, it's often difficult. Any polite attempts to break up are rebuffed, and if she ever just says, "It's over," he may threaten to commit suicide or do something equally drastic. I would go to my abuser's house with the intention of leaving him and find him depressed and alone. He would fall into my arms apologize again. "Everything will be different from now on, like it was in the beginning," he'd promise. Eventually, I gave up. I would write letters knowing I'd never give them to him, go to school to be completely neglected and belittled by him, and then come home and cry myself to sleep. What's worse: He eventually broke up with me, claiming he couldn't be with someone who treated him so cruelly. How ironic. Some people find the strength to leave, but that may not end the abuse. The ex-boyfriend may stalk her, obsess over her, or threaten her or her friends and family. If the girl fears for her safety, she can take legal action. Calling the police may be difficult, but standing up against one's abuser goes a long way. I eventually got rid of my abuser, and we haven't come in contact for over a year. It took me a while, but with a lot of help from my friends, I was able to repair most of the damage done to my self-esteem. People who are emotionally abused are often depressed, anxious, fearful, and isolated, and may abuse drugs or alcohol, cry uncontrollably, or even attempt suicide. If you suspect emotional abuse, there are many places to turn, such as the Youth Service Bureau (355-3900). At Terra Nova, we have Mr. Stullman and many trained Peer Mediators to assist you. And if you fear for your safety, call the police and report it - that's what they're there for. As difficult as it may be to seek support and assistance, only good can come from it. Everyone has the right to live free from abuse.	Archive Back Issues Why? Cartoons Poetry Random Rants Disclaimers Losers and Kudos of the Week Letters to the Editor Editor's Notes Picture of the Week
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Jesus Jones

Slightly over a year ago, I got with a wonderful guy. My friends didn't know him, but I didn't worry - I was a confident girl who didn't take crap from anyone, let alone a dumb guy. Sadly, none of us knew how emotionally abusive he was.

Emotional abuse affects nearly half of all women. It is the most difficult abuse to detect because it leaves no visible marks and can occur without one foul word leaving the abuser's mouth. My abuser never struck or swore at me - he knew I would leave him in a heartbeat. Instead, he whittled down my self-esteem until my whole world focused solely on him. Through his manipulation, I became isolated from everyone; he twisted my psyche until I felt that I was nothing without him.

The abusive cycle starts with the Honeymoon Stage. Here, the abuser appears to be the sweetest guy ever, the man of the girl's dreams. Mine lovingly held me in his arms and told me for hours how wonderful I was - and I ate it right up. Who wouldn't? This is love, he convinced me; this is as good as it gets, and you'll only get it with me.

Then the games begin. The abuser stands his victim up, perhaps, or comes hours late to a gathering he never wanted to attend, but promised he would. She expresses her fury, and he apologizes profusely, and then buys her a dozen roses and makes a big show of his apology. She feels cared about, loved, maybe even overly doted upon, and forgives him. If she expresses concern about being smothered, he says things like, "I care about you too much to be without you." If she protests, she's the bad guy.

Now, things begin to change. He acts edgy. She asks if anything's wrong. He shrugs her off. Soon, he'll begin degrading her. I got a lot of, "God, you're short. I wish I realized how short you were before we started dating," and "Your best friend's gay, isn't he? All your friends are creeps." Soon enough she'll get angry. He'll say she's crazy, that he meant no harm, and that she shouldn't be offended. He loves her and would never hurt her; why is she attacking him? The argument will go on for hours, but eventually the girl will acquiesce and convince herself that she's the one picking the fight, that something's wrong with her. It then reverts to the Honeymoon Stage. This becomes a pattern until she thoroughly doubts her own judgment, making her less likely to confront him again. Since he attacks her friends and family, she slowly begins to withdraw from them, as she turns to him for all of her emotional support. Now that she's not confiding in anyone anymore, there's no one to tell her that he's the crazy one and that she needs to get the hell away from him. As the abuser becomes worse, the victim feels more and more isolated because she has cut ties with everyone else in her life. She has no one.

Eventually, it may dawn on this girl that she's miserable, and she may try to leave. However, it's often difficult. Any polite attempts to break up are rebuffed, and if she ever just says, "It's over," he may threaten to commit suicide or do something equally drastic. I would go to my abuser's house with the intention of leaving him and find him depressed and alone. He would fall into my arms apologize again. "Everything will be different from now on, like it was in the beginning," he'd promise. Eventually, I gave up. I would write letters knowing I'd never give them to him, go to school to be completely neglected and belittled by him, and then come home and cry myself to sleep. What's worse: He eventually broke up with me, claiming he couldn't be with someone who treated him so cruelly. How ironic.

Some people find the strength to leave, but that may not end the abuse. The ex-boyfriend may stalk her, obsess over her, or threaten her or her friends and family. If the girl fears for her safety, she can take legal action. Calling the police may be difficult, but standing up against one's abuser goes a long way.

I eventually got rid of my abuser, and we haven't come in contact for over a year. It took me a while, but with a lot of help from my friends, I was able to repair most of the damage done to my self-esteem. People who are emotionally abused are often depressed, anxious, fearful, and isolated, and may abuse drugs or alcohol, cry uncontrollably, or even attempt suicide. If you suspect emotional abuse, there are many places to turn, such as the Youth Service Bureau (355-3900). At Terra Nova, we have Mr. Stullman and many trained Peer Mediators to assist you. And if you fear for your safety, call the police and report it - that's what they're there for. As difficult as it may be to seek support and assistance, only good can come from it. Everyone has the right to live free from abuse.