The Arthur Dent Archive


Articles Dante Alighieri Jesus Jones Thomas Paine Other Authors Contact Us! Letter to the Editor Dante Alighieri Arthur Dent Jesus Jones Thomas Paine	Getting By Last year's graduation was beautiful. Great weather. Nice speeches. Lots of students being honored for CSF life membership, good grades, and scholarships. How wonderful! How exciting! How…unfair to every student out there who had dug him or herself into a massive hole and worked like a dog to get out of it, attending summer school, night school, zero period, and more, just to make it across that stage on graduation day. More... Gone With the Wind In the last fiscal year, San Mateo County schools received over $7.4 million in money intended to improve student achievement. Jefferson Union High School District received exactly none of that money. Couldn't fill out a form. Couldn't ascertain eligibility. Couldn't be bothered. How on earth did this happen? More... Gag Order America: land of the free, home of the brave. "Free"…a lovely word. Free to practice whatever religion you choose. Free to think as you wish. Free to speak your mind…unless you happen to be a teacher in a public school, in which case you must express no opinion about anything and give complete equity to all sides of any given issue…or so our principal and some parents would have us believe. More... Sexual "Education" Every January, a new group of freshmen embarks on a wondrous journey. Expectations abound as these youthful, curious pupils trek into the vast and unknown environs that are "Health." Up to this point, they have been told so little, and hence they are full of questions, namely, the age-old "Where do babies come from?" More... The Truth Hurts The following item appeared in Dr. Kazakoff's weekly staff bulletin on Friday, December 13, 2002, sent to all staff and posted in a public location. It was Item 10 of 10. "Item #10: ON A LESS THAN POSITIVE NOTE: I have heard from many students and faculty who are extremely upset about the scurrilous comments made about them in the "Subterranean". More... Forgoing the Boobies? Yesterday, we were at Starbucks involuntarily eavesdropping on the conversation of two loud women who were bemoaning men in general for patronizing strip clubs. We had the computer out, and the following exchange ensued. Enjoy. The Eight Spellings of Hanukkah Okay, so we all know that there's this other holiday in December (actually, it starts in November this year), but what the heck is Hanukkah? And how on earth do you spell it? And why doesn't it come on the same day every year like holidays are supposed to? More.. Beautiful Terra Nova... When I set out to write this article, I thought I'd be writing about some of the dirty and disgusting classrooms I'd seen around campus. Legendary amongst students and custodial staff, these classrooms aren't just dirty - they're garbage heaps of rotting food and trash stuffed on shelves or wedged between books. More... Apathy Sucks The November 5th election is coming up, but hey…who cares? Yawn. Not only do we not know who's running for office or what propositions are on the ballot, we aren't even interested in finding out. "E"? That's a drug, right? More... Arrrrgggh!!! Top Ten Things Teachers Should NEVER Do 10. Bring your pet to school. It doesn't matter that students are forbidden from doing it or that it probably violates several public health laws: it's just wrong. More... The Buzz Well, Terra Nova, it has been quite a week. After considerable planning, we released the first issue of The Subterranean, and what an adventure it was. Although we now recognize that we did not get the full story regarding Mrs. Ramos and the luncheon (only what was the full story at the time of printing), we are quite pleased with your response to this periodical. More... A Call to End Compulsory Education School, according to State law, is mandatory. Unless you're a major criminal, and hence locked up, you have no choice but to go to school. While it makes sense to require young children to attend school (they, after all, can't legally hold down jobs), it does not make sense to force students over the age of 16 to continue to go to a place which they do not want to go, especially if it is not meeting their needs. More...	HSEE Hell Two weeks ago, every sophomore took the California High School Exit Exam for the first time. If Terra Nova's track record holds true, it will be the last time many of them see it. For some, however, it is just the beginning of a very long road. More... Red Ink The State budget is a mess. There's a multi-billion dollar shortfall (at least $21 billion), and funding for everything must be cut. The schools are going to take a hit, and a big hit at that. The government has yet to agree how much of a hit, but no matter: we cannot afford to wait to see how deep in debt we'll be. The district is beginning to make its cuts now. In fact, our School Board has already approved $1.4 million in cuts. Top of the list and affecting TN the most: $121,600 for bussing, $25,000 for athletics at TN alone, $100,000 for Adult School ("night school") and $50,000 for textbooks district-wide. Gone. More... To Walk or Not to Walk? We sat down with somewhat discordant opinions regarding the recent walk-out. The following exchange ensued. More... Myths and Facts about Sex and STDs Myth: Virgins can't catch sexually-transmitted diseases. Fact: You can catch a STD anytime you engage in intimate physical contact with another person. Herpes and pubic lice ("crabs") are two STDs, for example, which do not require intercourse for infection to take place. More... A Nation Defeated Recently, there has been much ado about a website called HighSchoolNation, where students can "evaluate" their teachers and administrators. I have heard a couple of people mention HSN and The Subterranean in the same breath, and it troubles me greatly because, while HSN is a "good idea gone bad," The Subterranean has stuck to its principles and not stooped to the kind of defamatory attacks one can find on HighSchoolNation.com. More... Hostage Situation Late October: Three administrators walk into Leadership and announce that the next dance is cancelled unless the class comes up with a suitable method for handling drunks at the dances. Students were told they had to "earn" the dance's reinstatement. Students brainstorm numerous ideas, each of which is rejected by Administration, until they say the answer that the principals wanted all along: More... Reclaiming December "It's the most wonderful time of the year…" "I hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling…" "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas…" Can you hear the music? Yes, children, it's that time again…that blissful season when everyone's spirits seem a bit brighter, children are a bit happier, and warmth towards one's fellow man abounds. Right? More... Recount! Schools exist to prepare students for the "real world." We come to this institution of learning on a daily basis so that, at the end of a 4-year term, we can go out there and function as productive citizens. We'll be expected to hold jobs, show awareness of our community, and participate in our government by voting. Why, then, doesn't Terra Nova, which should be teaching us all about how to function in a democracy, have Student Body or Class Officer Elections? More... Such a Pretty Face… "You have such a pretty face" has got to be the worst "compliment" anyone has ever given me, mostly because of the second half of the statement which most people omit...except for my bitch of a grandmother, but hey...at least she's honest. She says what others are only thinking: "You have such a pretty face -- if only you weren't fat." More... Losers and Jellyfish Terra Nova has some bad teachers in its classrooms. We all know that, and we all know who they are, so no need to name them. The question is why are there bad teachers on campus? More... Keep Your Rules off my Body! It's the first day of school. You walk into Teacher X's room, find a seat, and wait for the final bell to ring. Once it does, Teacher X starts in with the syllabus and the classroom rules. Top of the list: No eating in class. No drinking in class. No trips to the bathroom. Bottom line: forget you're a human being and deny your biological needs. More...	Archive Back Issues Why? Cartoons Poetry Random Rants Disclaimers Losers and Kudos of the Week Letters to the Editor Editor's Notes Picture of the Week
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Getting By

Last year's graduation was beautiful. Great weather. Nice speeches. Lots of students being honored for CSF life membership, good grades, and scholarships. How wonderful! How exciting! How…unfair to every student out there who had dug him or herself into a massive hole and worked like a dog to get out of it, attending summer school, night school, zero period, and more, just to make it across that stage on graduation day. More...

Gone With the Wind

In the last fiscal year, San Mateo County schools received over $7.4 million in money intended to improve student achievement. Jefferson Union High School District received exactly none of that money. Couldn't fill out a form. Couldn't ascertain eligibility. Couldn't be bothered. How on earth did this happen? More...

Gag Order

America: land of the free, home of the brave. "Free"…a lovely word. Free to practice whatever religion you choose. Free to think as you wish. Free to speak your mind…unless you happen to be a teacher in a public school, in which case you must express no opinion about anything and give complete equity to all sides of any given issue…or so our principal and some parents would have us believe. More...

Sexual "Education"

Every January, a new group of freshmen embarks on a wondrous journey. Expectations abound as these youthful, curious pupils trek into the vast and unknown environs that are "Health." Up to this point, they have been told so little, and hence they are full of questions, namely, the age-old "Where do babies come from?" More...

The Truth Hurts

The following item appeared in Dr. Kazakoff's weekly staff bulletin on Friday, December 13, 2002, sent to all staff and posted in a public location. It was Item 10 of 10.

"Item #10: ON A LESS THAN POSITIVE NOTE: I have heard from many students and faculty who are extremely upset about the scurrilous comments made about them in the "Subterranean". More...

Forgoing the Boobies?

Yesterday, we were at Starbucks involuntarily eavesdropping on the conversation of two loud women who were bemoaning men in general for patronizing strip clubs. We had the computer out, and the following exchange ensued. Enjoy.

The Eight Spellings of Hanukkah

Okay, so we all know that there's this other holiday in December (actually, it starts in November this year), but what the heck is Hanukkah? And how on earth do you spell it? And why doesn't it come on the same day every year like holidays are supposed to? More..

Beautiful Terra Nova...

When I set out to write this article, I thought I'd be writing about some of the dirty and disgusting classrooms I'd seen around campus. Legendary amongst students and custodial staff, these classrooms aren't just dirty - they're garbage heaps of rotting food and trash stuffed on shelves or wedged between books. More...

Apathy Sucks

The November 5th election is coming up, but hey…who cares? Yawn. Not only do we not know who's running for office or what propositions are on the ballot, we aren't even interested in finding out. "E"? That's a drug, right? More...

Arrrrgggh!!! Top Ten Things Teachers Should NEVER Do

10. Bring your pet to school. It doesn't matter that students are forbidden from doing it or that it probably violates several public health laws: it's just wrong. More...

The Buzz

Well, Terra Nova, it has been quite a week. After considerable planning, we released the first issue of The Subterranean, and what an adventure it was. Although we now recognize that we did not get the full story regarding Mrs. Ramos and the luncheon (only what was the full story at the time of printing), we are quite pleased with your response to this periodical. More...

A Call to End Compulsory Education

School, according to State law, is mandatory. Unless you're a major criminal, and hence locked up, you have no choice but to go to school. While it makes sense to require young children to attend school (they, after all, can't legally hold down jobs), it does not make sense to force students over the age of 16 to continue to go to a place which they do not want to go, especially if it is not meeting their needs. More...

HSEE Hell

Two weeks ago, every sophomore took the California High School Exit Exam for the first time. If Terra Nova's track record holds true, it will be the last time many of them see it. For some, however, it is just the beginning of a very long road. More...

Red Ink

The State budget is a mess. There's a multi-billion dollar shortfall (at least $21 billion), and funding for everything must be cut. The schools are going to take a hit, and a big hit at that. The government has yet to agree how much of a hit, but no matter: we cannot afford to wait to see how deep in debt we'll be. The district is beginning to make its cuts now. In fact, our School Board has already approved $1.4 million in cuts. Top of the list and affecting TN the most: $121,600 for bussing, $25,000 for athletics at TN alone, $100,000 for Adult School ("night school") and $50,000 for textbooks district-wide. Gone. More...

To Walk or Not to Walk?

We sat down with somewhat discordant opinions regarding
the recent walk-out. The following exchange ensued. More...

Myths and Facts about Sex and STDs

Myth: Virgins can't catch sexually-transmitted diseases.

Fact: You can catch a STD anytime you engage in intimate physical contact with another person. Herpes and pubic lice ("crabs") are two STDs, for example, which do not require intercourse for infection to take place. More...

A Nation Defeated

Recently, there has been much ado about a website called HighSchoolNation, where students can "evaluate" their teachers and administrators. I have heard a couple of people mention HSN and The Subterranean in the same breath, and it troubles me greatly because, while HSN is a "good idea gone bad," The Subterranean has stuck to its principles and not stooped to the kind of defamatory attacks one can find on HighSchoolNation.com. More...

Hostage Situation

Late October: Three administrators walk into Leadership and announce that the next dance is cancelled unless the class comes up with a suitable method for handling drunks at the dances. Students were told they had to "earn" the dance's reinstatement. Students brainstorm numerous ideas, each of which is rejected by Administration, until they say the answer that the principals wanted all along: More...

Reclaiming December

"It's the most wonderful time of the year…"

"I hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling…"

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas…"

Can you hear the music? Yes, children, it's that time again…that blissful season when everyone's spirits seem a bit brighter, children are a bit happier, and warmth towards one's fellow man abounds. Right? More...

Recount!

Schools exist to prepare students for the "real world." We come to this institution of learning on a daily basis so that, at the end of a 4-year term, we can go out there and function as productive citizens. We'll be expected to hold jobs, show awareness of our community, and participate in our government by voting. Why, then, doesn't Terra Nova, which should be teaching us all about how to function in a democracy, have Student Body or Class Officer Elections? More...

Such a Pretty Face…

"You have such a pretty face" has got to be the worst "compliment" anyone has ever given me, mostly because of the second half of the statement which most people omit...except for my bitch of a grandmother, but hey...at least she's honest. She says what others are only thinking: "You have such a pretty face -- if only you weren't fat." More...

Losers and Jellyfish

Terra Nova has some bad teachers in its classrooms. We all know that, and we all know who they are, so no need to name them. The question is why are there bad teachers on campus? More...

Keep Your Rules off
my Body!

It's the first day of school. You walk into Teacher X's room, find a seat, and wait for the final bell to ring. Once it does, Teacher X starts in with the syllabus and the classroom rules. Top of the list: No eating in class. No drinking in class. No trips to the bathroom. Bottom line: forget you're a human being and deny your biological needs. More...