Final Solution


Articles Dante Alighieri Arthur Dent Jesus Jones Thomas Paine Other Authors Contact Us! Letter to the Editor Dante Alighieri Arthur Dent Jesus Jones Thomas Paine	Final Solution D.N. Cider with Millington It's a damn shame that Americans are living in fear. That we have to take our shoes off and allow airport personnel to rifle through our things. That we must go to our nearest home center and purchase heavy plastic and duct tape. That we are obliged to live in a constant state of "terror." That we're at the mercy of a relatively small part of the world: the Middle East and, more precisely, Iraq. What makes our situation so shameful is that it can be alleviated with the greatest of ease. We can dispatch all of this terror with a few twitches of the finger, and we need not lose any American lives, endure another minute of fear, pay any exorbitant amount, or forsake the plight of the Iraqi people. We must simply embrace the most obvious, fool-proof course of action. In fact, the technique by which we can bring final peace to our weary hearts has been greatly perfected and prepared for in the past fifty-five some-odd years. While it has only been used twice, on both occasions it proved greatly successful. I, as a reasonable, logical American, who cannot bear the thought of participating in an involved, complex, or long-term answer, can think of no better solution than to drop a nuclear bomb on Iraq. Think of it! There are endless advantages to doing away with Iraq altogether. It would not only benefit us, but also the rest of the world. First, as I have already stated, obliterating Iraq would remove all fears from the American consciousness. We can all rest in peace knowing Saddam Hussein is dead and can no longer launch a weapon of mass destruction at us. All of the political troubles and endless, ill-enforced UN resolutions associated with Iraq will become moot and simply disappear. Second, the members of the international community will be greatly relieved as well. Europe, Asia, and especially Iraq's neighbors will be nothing but grateful that we finally stepped up and made use of our nuclear arsenal. Like us, they will be reassured that we took the initiative to blow an unpopular nation off the face of the earth. Third, getting rid of the Iraqi government and people will finally allow us to get at Iraqi's oil supply. With a rush of oil coming in and low, low prices, we can rest in our pursuit of alternative fuel sources for our vehicles. Fourth, when the bomb hits, it will be so hot that the sand will melt into glass. We can use this glass to make what was one Iraq into a giant parabolic solar panel. We will then be able to produce enough electricity to sell to the entire world! There are many more advantages which I have not the space to enumerate. However, I think it right and proper to address the most salient objection. The strongest protestation is simply based on the fact that millions of innocent Iraqis will die. To that, I argue that the Iraqi's present lives are so horrible that they are better off dead, instantly and painlessly killed in a matter of moments. Few would choose a hopelessly oppressed life over a quick death. I must conclude by saying: what is our other option? Certainly it's not waging war and leaving, allowing Iraq to fall back into misery, nor is it going through the financial and political expense of actually occupying and rebuilding the state. Similarly, inspecting and inspecting until all the weapons have been found or Hussein is too busy moving them about to use them is also an obviously unacceptable answer. These plans just take too much commitment on the part of the American people. The right choice for us lies in utter destruction. The nuclear missile is our only option.	Archive Back Issues Why? Cartoons Poetry Random Rants Disclaimers Losers and Kudos of the Week Letters to the Editor Editor's Notes Picture of the Week
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D.N. Cider with Millington

It's a damn shame that Americans are living in fear. That we have to take our shoes off and allow airport personnel to rifle through our things. That we must go to our nearest home center and purchase heavy plastic and duct tape. That we are obliged to live in a constant state of "terror." That we're at the mercy of a relatively small part of the world: the Middle East and, more precisely, Iraq.

What makes our situation so shameful is that it can be alleviated with the greatest of ease. We can dispatch all of this terror with a few twitches of the finger, and we need not lose any American lives, endure another minute of fear, pay any exorbitant amount, or forsake the plight of the Iraqi people. We must simply embrace the most obvious, fool-proof course of action.

In fact, the technique by which we can bring final peace to our weary hearts has been greatly perfected and prepared for in the past fifty-five some-odd years. While it has only been used twice, on both occasions it proved greatly successful. I, as a reasonable, logical American, who cannot bear the thought of participating in an involved, complex, or long-term answer, can think of no better solution than to drop a nuclear bomb on Iraq.

Think of it! There are endless advantages to doing away with Iraq altogether. It would not only benefit us, but also the rest of the world.

First, as I have already stated, obliterating Iraq would remove all fears from the American consciousness. We can all rest in peace knowing Saddam Hussein is dead and can no longer launch a weapon of mass destruction at us. All of the political troubles and endless, ill-enforced UN resolutions associated with Iraq will become moot and simply disappear.

Second, the members of the international community will be greatly relieved as well. Europe, Asia, and especially Iraq's neighbors will be nothing but grateful that we finally stepped up and made use of our nuclear arsenal. Like us, they will be reassured that we took the initiative to blow an unpopular nation off the face of the earth.

Third, getting rid of the Iraqi government and people will finally allow us to get at Iraqi's oil supply. With a rush of oil coming in and low, low prices, we can rest in our pursuit of alternative fuel sources for our vehicles.

Fourth, when the bomb hits, it will be so hot that the sand will melt into glass. We can use this glass to make what was one Iraq into a giant parabolic solar panel. We will then be able to produce enough electricity to sell to the entire world!

There are many more advantages which I have not the space to enumerate. However, I think it right and proper to address the most salient objection.

The strongest protestation is simply based on the fact that millions of innocent Iraqis will die. To that, I argue that the Iraqi's present lives are so horrible that they are better off dead, instantly and painlessly killed in a matter of moments. Few would choose a hopelessly oppressed life over a quick death.

I must conclude by saying: what is our other option? Certainly it's not waging war and leaving, allowing Iraq to fall back into misery, nor is it going through the financial and political expense of actually occupying and rebuilding the state. Similarly, inspecting and inspecting until all the weapons have been found or Hussein is too busy moving them about to use them is also an obviously unacceptable answer. These plans just take too much commitment on the part of the American people. The right choice for us lies in utter destruction. The nuclear missile is our only option.