The Most Importantest Thing…Ever!


Articles Dante Alighieri Arthur Dent Jesus Jones Thomas Paine Other Authors Contact Us! Letter to the Editor Dante Alighieri Arthur Dent Jesus Jones Thomas Paine	The Most Importantest Thing…Ever! Thomas Paine Let it be known, juniors and seniors, that April 2nd and May 31st, respectively, are celestially predestined to be the most important days of your lives. Not the day of your graduation. Not the day you are ultimately employed in the field of your choice. Not the day of your marriage. Not the days of your children's births. Not even Judgment Day. No single day shall ever be more important than the day of your prom. In an ideal world, people would look at the above statement and dismiss it as absurd. People would audibly guffaw at such a chimerical notion, laugh that a triviality such as prom would ever be exaggerated to such a ridiculous extent. However, in the eyes of many teens, and more specifically many Terra Novans, the above statement is not hyperbole, but fact. Didn't you know? Prom is the most importantest thing…ever. Bar none. From the dress to the manicure; from the corsage to the limousine; from the hotel to the all-important decision of "chicken or fish"; each and every minute detail of this magical night is planned by your contemporaries so thoroughly, so painstakingly, that a fine and ostensibly impenetrable web of preparations envelops all concerned. So thoroughly, no doubt, that mishaps are not just improbable, but inconceivable, and one problem, one mishap, can raze one's entire evening. But never mind the small details that are slowly beginning to dictate your life. Never mind the memos being released by girls regarding limo-arrangements, laminated and bound like refined TPS reports. The sequined dresses and matching shoes are all for naught without the one crucial thing that can make or break the most importantest night of your life: the date. The date. The elusive date. Who to take? Who to ask? And what, oh what, will you do when you face your inevitable rejection? All these questions and more are being asked of you with alarming frequency - and why the hell not? This is your life we're talking about here. Except that it's not. Prom, like most things, has potential. Yes, it's important, but it's not that important. It is a night. It is a dance. It is dinner and a chance to socialize and not much more. Enjoy it and dress to impress, by all means, but don't let this one little thing dominate your life for the next month and a half. Don't build your hopes and dreams on a house of cards, because it can and will come tumbling to the ground. Don't use prom as an excuse to be cruel. And, above all, do not, in the interest of prom, ignore the important details of everyday life…like breathing. After all, what good is all this planning if you're in a stress-induced coma when your night of nights finally arrives? Prom is short for promenade, which Webster defines as "a leisurely walk." Ladies and gentlemen, I respectfully submit the following: Fuck Webster. Prom is no mere stroll, but rather a night you should enjoy and laugh about for years to come. However, it is not a matter of life and death. It is not worth your sanity and stress while you worry about your figure for the next several weeks, girls. Nor is it worth your migraines while worrying about dates, guys. It will all work itself out, and if you resign yourself to the Prom Gods and be yourself, a good time will, no doubt, follow. Just relax with the memos about limousines and the preoccupation with what others are doing. Stop asking if your ass looks fat - chances are, it does. Just accept the immensity of your ass, smile, and enjoy the night.	Archive Back Issues Why? Cartoons Poetry Random Rants Disclaimers Losers and Kudos of the Week Letters to the Editor Editor's Notes Picture of the Week
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Thomas Paine

Let it be known, juniors and seniors, that April 2nd and May 31st, respectively, are celestially predestined to be the most important days of your lives. Not the day of your graduation. Not the day you are ultimately employed in the field of your choice. Not the day of your marriage. Not the days of your children's births. Not even Judgment Day. No single day shall ever be more important than the day of your prom.

In an ideal world, people would look at the above statement and dismiss it as absurd. People would audibly guffaw at such a chimerical notion, laugh that a triviality such as prom would ever be exaggerated to such a ridiculous extent. However, in the eyes of many teens, and more specifically many Terra Novans, the above statement is not hyperbole, but fact. Didn't you know? Prom is the most importantest thing…ever. Bar none.

From the dress to the manicure; from the corsage to the limousine; from the hotel to the all-important decision of "chicken or fish"; each and every minute detail of this magical night is planned by your contemporaries so thoroughly, so painstakingly, that a fine and ostensibly impenetrable web of preparations envelops all concerned. So thoroughly, no doubt, that mishaps are not just improbable, but inconceivable, and one problem, one mishap, can raze one's entire evening.

But never mind the small details that are slowly beginning to dictate your life. Never mind the memos being released by girls regarding limo-arrangements, laminated and bound like refined TPS reports. The sequined dresses and matching shoes are all for naught without the one crucial thing that can make or break the most importantest night of your life: the date. The date. The elusive date. Who to take? Who to ask? And what, oh what, will you do when you face your inevitable rejection? All these questions and more are being asked of you with alarming frequency - and why the hell not? This is your life we're talking about here.

Except that it's not. Prom, like most things, has potential. Yes, it's important, but it's not that important. It is a night. It is a dance. It is dinner and a chance to socialize and not much more. Enjoy it and dress to impress, by all means, but don't let this one little thing dominate your life for the next month and a half. Don't build your hopes and dreams on a house of cards, because it can and will come tumbling to the ground. Don't use prom as an excuse to be cruel. And, above all, do not, in the interest of prom, ignore the important details of everyday life…like breathing. After all, what good is all this planning if you're in a stress-induced coma when your night of nights finally arrives?

Prom is short for promenade, which Webster defines as "a leisurely walk." Ladies and gentlemen, I respectfully submit the following: Fuck Webster. Prom is no mere stroll, but rather a night you should enjoy and laugh about for years to come. However, it is not a matter of life and death. It is not worth your sanity and stress while you worry about your figure for the next several weeks, girls. Nor is it worth your migraines while worrying about dates, guys. It will all work itself out, and if you resign yourself to the Prom Gods and be yourself, a good time will, no doubt, follow. Just relax with the memos about limousines and the preoccupation with what others are doing. Stop asking if your ass looks fat - chances are, it does. Just accept the immensity of your ass, smile, and enjoy the night.