Tests, Tests, Tests!

Jonathan Swift

It has come to my attention, due my close association with the educational system, that education is in a deplorable state. According to our various experts, whose all-knowing knowledge is infallible, out of 50 states, California is hovering around…51.

These conditions are intolerable for a state that has an economy stronger than France. Thus, I propose a small change that will not only "leave no child behind," but will also save the government money!

The proposal is rather simple: we simply need more tests. It's rather ingenious. At first, our students who have been suffering will score poorly. But that's what we want; it's beneficial that the first few tests go horribly wrong. Why? Well, we can then insist that we must "hold teachers accountable" and thereby give them tests. You see, when we give the teachers tests, they will better understand that they need to teach to the test, and thereby our test, which at first everyone will fail, will see a steady rise in statistics, and our wonderful experts will be able to spout facts such as "Math scores rose 11.2 percent from the previous year," etc. etc.

Furthermore, it's absolutely wonderful for our political party, the democratic republicans or the republican democrats, or those god damn compassionate conservatives. By increasing testing, all politically-inclined people can say that they are working hard and making great strides to improve education. All they have to do is make another test. The great thing is the fact that testing is cheap, and they can strive hard to improve test scores while, at the same time, reducing various taxes - property taxes, for example - that directly support schools. You see, with more testing, there is less need for funding, and those various political people whose jobs are so very tricky can then appease the masses. It's a win-win situation.

However, there may be some collateral effects from reducing funding. Schools may have to cut programs such as athletics, art, and music, and may even face shutting their doors permanently, but this is not necessarily a bad thing. Obviously, sports, music, and art have no real educational value when our students cannot read or add 2 and 2. Cutting elective excesses force schools to be more efficient with their money - something they should have been doing all along. Furthermore, fewer schools and more crowded classrooms are exactly what our state needs. Such efficiency! The more students shoved into a classroom, the better they can learn from each other. This is especially important when we want to drive up test scores, as those crafty students will no doubt learn the art of being able to see what's on the smartest kid's desk, thereby driving up test scores.

By creating frivolous tests and generating arbitrary facts, our children will reap the rewards of an improved education with less cost! How masterful. Perhaps I should run for political office…