The Omniscient Guru says: I would like to dispel the following common myths right now: People are afraid of heights, people are afraid of falling, people are afraid of rollercoasters, people are afraid of flying. All of these are bluntly not true. People are afraid of the ground. And with good reason, too ~ the ground is a jealous unforgiving thing that has a nasty habit of smushing (to use the technical term) people who leave it's loving embrace only to find that gravity becomes fickle and downright unfriendly at high altitudes.

                Why are boys always so shallow, attracted to the shiniest object in their field of vision? (Karis)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Now, Karis, that's not very fair of you. Most guys are attracted to girls, who aren't usually shiny at all, unless they've been silver-plated. But you mean metaphorically! Well, most guys practice the "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" philosophy, where anything that they can't see they don't beleive in. So from their point of view there's no reason not to drool like a rabid monkey on testosterone supplements everytime a woman walks by.

                Do I look fat in this? Hee hee hee . . . (Angeleyes)

                The Omniscient Guru says: No, no, no, God NO! Please don't hurt me! (Note to guys, see TCRI Explains Women)

                Hi-ho, High Holiness. How close are we to a 24-hour guru-cam so that the internet may be used for world-wide-worship? (Corloth)

                Sadly, the Omniscient Guru needs periodic breaks from the unclean masses so that he may meditate and cleanse himself. With this spiritual purity in mind, he will look into setting up a guru-cam on alternate Wednsdays of the leap year. In the meantime, check out the Cult of the Omniscient Guru a quasi-religious organization I designed in order to boost my self esteem.

                Omniscient Guru, I must know, where is your coffee shop and how can I get a price list? (NichaC)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Well, the Tylerian Underground's International Headquarters and Coffee Shop is not so much a physical reality as it is a metaphor, providing the "caffeine of the soul" to the thirsty surfing masses. That being the case, it doesn't sell coffee. However, if it did, it would serve only decaf expressos and would charge 37¢ a swig. But it would have free airline peanuts.

                What makes guys constantly compare girls' features with facets of nature (i.e. Stars, sun, moon, etc.)? (Smee of the Seven Seas)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Well, Smee, the truth is that guys just aren't that creative. Chances are pretty good your boytoy got his lovetorn monologues from Hallmark cards and old Don Juan movies. The sad part is, he thinks it's romantic. It's your cosmic duty to pat him on the head and pretend you like it.

                Oh, Omniscient Guru, How can we hope to attain omniscience like yours? (Smee, Vicious Pirate of the Seven Seas)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Well, If I told you that, you'd all go off and make yourselves Omniscient and I'd be out a job, then, wouldn't I? So you can just knock off this silly e-Communism and get back to asking questions that aren't designed to make me obsolete!

                Omniscient Guru, does computer solitaire ever infuriate you, as it does less enlightened people? (Corloth)

                The Omniscient Guru says: There are downsides to being Omniscient, and one of them is that solitaire in any of it's forms lacks entertaining value. I already know what cards I will draw, where I will put them, and whether I will win before I even deal out the hand, so it becomes rather dull rather fast. So though I cannot say as we have the same objection to computer solitaire, I can say that even Omniscience is no proof against solitaire related phenomena.

                Why does the staff of MVHS feel it is more important to spend money to build a new football field than it is to contain the asbestos in the basement?(T.S. Elliot)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Well, Mr. Elliot, I regret to inform you that you are currently in a state of being dead. That is, not currently registered with the living. Postmortem, and so on. Terminal inconvenience notwithstanding, the answer to your question is that Satan has possessed your school board, forcing them to spend money frivolously on football fields and Integrated Math, well ignoring the real threats to student health, asbestos and Integrated Math. The only thing to do is to look into hiring an exorcist.

                Ok, Omniscient Guru, if you know everything, who's the hottest chick in the world and what's her phone number. (piglet)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Technically that's two questions, and questions are usually ended with the aptly named question mark (i.e. Oh, Omniscient Guru why do you torment innocent pilgrims who mean you no harm?) but never let it be said that the Omniscient Guru is not generous! The answer to your question is simple, the hottest woman in the world is my girlfriend and you can't have her number, I got there first. I hope that's helpful.

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