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  Sean's American and Canadian Jokes
Hey... I've surfed the internet for hours looking for these jokes, so you better find them funny. If you don't find them funny, but offending, please don't be annoyed, it's all done in the spirit of humor. Anyway, on with the jokes!

There are three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Vancouver guy.
They come across a lantern and a genie pops out.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes."
So the Newfie says "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish"
'FOOM' the oceans were full.
The Quebecer was amazed, he said "I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in."
'POOF' there was a wall around Quebec.
The Vancouver guy says "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie says "Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
So the Vancouver guy says "Fill it up with water."

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

You know you're from Canada when ...

  1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
  2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
  3. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
  4. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
  5. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
  6. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
  7. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
  8. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
  9. You find -40c a little chilly.
  10. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
  11. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
  12. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
  13. You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".

In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

  1. The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"
  2. The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
  3. The American thought - "That fucking Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
  4. The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again".

Here's a joke about how Canada got its name: When J. MacDonald and Friends were trying to figure out the name of this great place, someone had a great idea. Let's stick all the letters into a hat and draw 3 of them - That will be the new name of this place.. So they did so.. 1st letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "C" eh!? 2nd letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "N" eh!? 3rd letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "D" eh!?

Q: What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot?

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Canadians don't change light bulbs, we accept them as they are.

A couple from Montana decided to go to Canada for their holidays one summer. They drove north across the border, stopped at a dinosaur park, then continued northeast. After driving for a couple of days, they realized they were lost. They found a small city, and pulled over to ask a pedestrian for directions.
"Hey buddy, can you tell us where we are?"
The pedestrian smiled, said "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan", and went on his way.
The driver turned to his wife and said "Well, we still don't know where we are. He doesn't even speak English."


  1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
  2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
  3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
  4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
  5. You drink pop, not soda.
  6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
  7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
  8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
  9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
  10. You know that francophones, Anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
  11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
  12. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
  13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
  14. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
  15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
  16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
  17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
  18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec!
  19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
  20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
  21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
  22. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
  23. You read rather than scanned this list.

An American man is having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam at the breakfast table when a Canadian sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. "You American folk eat the whole bread?" asks the Canadian with a large piece of chewing gum in his mouth.
"Of course!"
The Canadian blows a bubble with his chewing gum, then remarks, "We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in containers, recycle them, then transform them into croutons, and sell them to the United States."
The Canadian has a smirk on is face. All the while, the American listens in silence.
"Do ya eat jelly with the bread?" asks the Canadian.
"Of course!"
The Canadian cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles, "We don't. In Canada, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast and put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, then transform them into jam, and sell it to the U.S."
"And, what do you Canadians do with condoms once you've used them?" asks the American.
"We throw them away, of course," replies the Canadian, with a dumbfounded look.
The American explains, "WE don't. In the U.S., we put them in a container, recycle them, then melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to Canada.

This is the transcript on an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10 - 10 - 95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again you divert YOUR course.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A Texan, a Canadian and a Guy from Michigan
A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Michigan can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"
The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."
So a while later the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?"
The guy from Michigan says, "Well, in Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a dime."


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