ACT YOUR AGE, NOT YOUR SHOE SIZE!
08/07.... probably 08/08.. and actually 08/09
Hah! I've broken the poverty cycle! No more late updates, and finally I do something (almost) within a week. Yup, I'm just bursting at the seams with chocolaty goodness today, let me tell you. Ahem. Anyhow, this week has been pretty good, aside from the weather, which decided to turn humid and evil, terms which are fairly interchangeable, as far as I'm concerned. This, in turn, has led to greater discomfort while sleeping, as well as various other annoyances that come with stupid heat stupid stupid hot stupid hot grr...
RECENT COLUMNS: READ US.. WE'RE PEOPLE TOO!
Yep... there's columns in these here hills.
ME, MYSELF, AND NIINA
Since my previous anti-Niina rant has been destroyed by my own foolishness, I'll construct another here so that all the world can know the evil that is Niina. First of all, new facts have come to light, and secondly, she's just so damned... ARGH!
Okay, all incoherence aside, this woman is the devil. Not in the Elizabeth Hurley, bad movie with hot chick stupid plot kind of devil, but the most irritating thing you could ever encounter devil. It's impossible to tell whether she's stupid as a stump or smart and trying to play everyone against each other in some giant, incomprehensible and probably evil scheme. As unlikely as the latter is, this woman is still evil incarnate.
Her personal appearance is her main weapon in this little game of infuriation. She IS the vintage eighties ho- a metric ton of makeup, hot pink lipstick, slightly askew, and the ultimate short long, which she constantly bobs. Add to that her buggy, buggy eyes and the fact that she chews gum like a horse and has the disconcerting habit of lowering her head and then inclining it at strange angles to look up into your face, and you've got a serious mental case on your hands.
Anyhow, that all aside, she still sucks, and even after she ruined my day a couple of Sundays ago, she still contrives to make my life a misery at every turn. She's even branched out- she takes it on herself to mock the front office staff and glorify herself to cover up her gross incompetence. She treats it as though her actually doing her job is a favour, and she flirts like some sort of animal with the general manager.
Who continues to be ensorcelled by her vintage 80s looks, despite all logic. I think it comes from the fact that he hangs out with carnies... I can't really explain it any other way without risking the combined wrath of the Stonemasons. Anyhow, just thought I'd replace that rant with a new, and slightly lousier, rant.
I rule!
No, not those 80s. silly! The ones with Ronald Reagan, gas crises, bad inflation, and more importantly, the best damned cartoons ever constructed.
Take this, add ten parts ugly, double the platinum, add a uniform, lengthen the short-long just a little and age the body about 10 years, and bulge the eyes out by a magnitude of 5 and you'll have some idea of the 80s-honess of this woman.
A STELLAR ACQUISITION II: FIRST BLOOD
Gord Ash, as I may have said in the past at some point, rules... First, he goes out and gets Rob Ducey, a questionable, washed-up sort, and then he waits a few days, watches his team crumble into fine ash, and trades the poor guy back to where he came from. Then, not satisfied with his anciencizing of his team, goes out and snags a few more bottom feeders from around baseball. Fortunately, these acquisitions are helping out, since Mondesi and Bush are both decommissioned currently, but come on! Think of the poor guy who gets traded around like some sort of human boomerang. You really have to hope he didn't sell his house or anything... Anyhow, there's not so much to complain about right now, since the Jays are showing some signs of coming around. They look like they could get into a groove if they'd just get their pitching in line. Cut the baseball!
I admit it... the only reason I ever talk about the Jays is to make fun of Gord Ash's picture. You wanna make something of it?
THE WEST NILE VIRUS
Here's some fun- just when you thought our North American mosquitos were sanitary little critters, just out for some good clean blood, they go sucking on birds with a nasty, communicable disease. What is this? Africa? They should've sprayed the mosquitos into oblivion long ago, as far as I'm concerned. Mosquitos are my least favorite life form. They live for a week, suck some blood, feed their kids, spawn like the stupid little fuckers they are, and then die off, hopefully in a grisly encounter with a bug zapper. Net benefit to nature: Aside from the occasional snack, not a hell of a lot. The mosquitos get some lousy blood, and hopefully killed before they can get to enjoy their ill-gotten meal, a fate which would be quite deserving of them. Then again, I'm biased, given all the times I've been forced to run inside because I was losing enough blood to fuel Red Cross for a month. The worst, however, is when they're buzzing around your head at night, always just out of reach. Is it THAT hard to bite an inert object? It's not as though I'm offering any sort of resistance, and last time I checked, outrunning someone in a bed wasn't the greatest challenge ever conceived of. I guess they have that talent because nature just built them to be irritating.
This was on for the low, low "Internet" price of $17.95. I really don't get why anyone would be stupid enough to believe that this thing was ever 2 dollars more... I bet if I act now I can also get some sort of anti-roach incense or something.
DAMN! A MOSQUITO JUST BIT ME!
...but I got him... goood.
In other news, Sir Alec Guinness died, which is actually kind of ironic in a way, because whenever my dad and I would talk about him, we could never be quite sure he was actually alive. Freakin' old curmudgeon- he burnt his fan mail on a regular basis, and disowned his Star Wars legacy. It's too bad he died, but he was 86, so I guess the time had come. He sure was a good Obi-Wan, though, whatever else you may want to say. I guess all that other acting he did was good too, although I really kind of hate any movie pre-1975. I just don't understand how people can say acting has gotten worse since then. As far as I can tell, nobody could act worth a damn before 1970 anyway, and even then, there was still a formulaic style to it, like you had to act certain parts in a certain way. I suppose it's what comes from an industry that considers itself creative but is actually just a big, pretty, expensive, recycling bin.
Guess he's become more powerful than we can possibly imagine :(
INTREPID BABY SAYS:
If you're sending email, make sure it's paragraphs for that other section!
ME! Only I am more powerful than you can possibly imagine! Or at least more intrepid. Just remember that next time you're watching Star Wars... I will be a Jedi some day, oh yes, some day! A very intrepid Jedi, and you'll be seeing my intrepid lightsabre. Now go! I have to perform Jedi mind tricks on my parents so I can get rid of this stupid hat!
I think I'll keep the fuzzy cuffs, though. They'd really by quite a stunning addition to my Jedi robe.
Go Home! Inmediately!
AS INTREPID BABY DOES:
Later in life, Intrepid baby would be enslaved on Tatooine, turn to the Dark Side, and become Luke's father. For the time being, however, he merely tools around in the babymobile, playing Jedi mind tricks on unsuspecting cats.
Thanks, Starwars.com! Please don't sue me :)