© 2002 by Sarah Ryniker JudgmentalMama@hotmail.com http://www.oocities.org/iamthealmightyrah/FF.html
STORY LAST UPDATED ON 20/12/2002
AUTHOR'S NOTE
This story has a high sexual content.
Cry Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Epilogue
CHAPTER SEVEN: A MISTAKE
Why I began to accept and even enjoy Landon's touching was beyond my knowledge. Part of me thought that perhaps it was because of the simple fact that I had to either accept it or go completely insane. But it wasn't the accepting part that bothered me so much. It was the fact that I liked it, that I was now a very willing participant. Part of me felt disgusting, while the other part threw caution and morals to the wind.
I know that it was stupid of me to be so willing, yet part of me knew that it was silly to blame myself for what happened in the end. Never once did protection come into the picture with Landon. He was always ready to attack my body like a lion on its prey. Just as I did, he threw all caution to the wind.
So when I took a pregnancy test not long after my nineteenth birthday and it came back positive, I knew I had to do something quick. I was scared to death. All that would run through my mind was how stupid I was. It was now a big part of my fault, too, because I was now so willing.
Laura never went through with her silly threats. I found out later that she didn't even know where I lived, much less who my mother was. So I ignored her. She meant nothing to me. But I definitely had a big secret to keep from her now.
And what a scary, dangerous secret it was. It could ruin my entire life. It could very well take my job away from me. No, it would take my job away and Mother and I would be in poverty. There was no possible way that I could take care of a baby! I had just barely stepped out into the real world myself. I had too much to learn to be pregnant!
Yet here I was, pregnant as can be. I made sure to see a doctor and find out how far along I was. Fortunately, I was only five weeks along. That left me time to contemplate on what to do. I didn't know if I should tell Landon or not. I didn't know what kind of reaction to expect from him.
And I knew I definitely couldn't tell Francine or Mother. Both would find me to be a complete disgrace. I wasn't exactly on talking terms with Francine, but I knew that I hadn't lost her respect completely. But the thought of losing that respect by telling her what had happened was frightening in a way I couldn't begin to put into words.
The next two weeks went by and had me so lost in depression and thoughts that I was back to square one with Landon. His approaches became disgusting to me once more. Knowing that what we had done to ruin my life in more ways than I could have imagined it could made me sick to my stomach. That was in a literal sense, as well. Morning sickness had me at the toilet seat already.
It was a difficult thing to hide from people. Especially Mother, Francine and Landon. Landon knew something was wrong and, though he would ask about it, he never really seemed to care. All he wanted was to fulfil his every lusty need. He just wanted to know why I was back to hardly responding. But I had already made the decision not to tell him.
Mother noticed it, but she never said anything. I knew she knew what was going on. But the sadness in her eyes was more than I could bear, and I would leave the room before she could ask. I don't think she would have said anything, anyway. My mother avoided the truth like nobody I'd ever known in my life.
Francine, on the other hand, was very vocal about it. One night right before work started, we were alone in the dressing room. I had just come out of the bathroom, having vomited up everything that I had eaten for dinner.
"What's going on, Cry?" she demanded the moment I stepped out of the bathroom. "You are constantly in the bathroom."
I could see the suspicion in her eyes. But worse, I could see that she knew the truth. "Nothing is wrong. I just have a bladder infection," I lied quickly. Lying was something I had begun to do very well.
"A bladder infection for three weeks?" She raised her eyebrows sceptically.
"Yes" was the only thing I said before escaping through the door. I didn't need to hear it and if I had stayed there any longer, I knew she would be the person to get the truth out of me.
It was tormenting to go through those three or four weeks of madness. I had no idea where my life was going. How I could have let something like this happen was a question that ran through my mind night and day. Sleep wasn't something I knew how to do anymore. Thoughts were consuming my mind at all times.
It took me a month to decide on what I should do. I felt a sickening in my stomach that I knew wasn't morning sickness when I realised what had to be done. I lay there in my bed that night, thinking, when it hit me. And it hit me like a sledgehammer. What I was about to do could very well be the one thing in my life that I regret the most.
It wasn't that I was trying to escape my responsibilities. But if I didn't abort this child, what kind of life could I provide for it? I could hardly provide for myself and I wasn't doing that very well. I couldn't afford to have a baby. It would live in poverty, if not die from it. It was something I had never thought I would do, and yet if I didn't I would give the baby the most horrible life possible. I couldn't be a mother just yet.
There was one thing that was a definite; I couldn't do it on my own. I was horribly scared to go do this without anybody knowing about it. I had to have some kind of support. But I knew there was only one person I could share this with. And though she would be disappointed in me, I knew that it was time that the truth came out to at least one person.
Calling Francine was the first, most difficult step I'd ever taken in my life, the most difficult step I would ever take. For it took not only guts to kill your own child but it also took a lack of courage. I was running scared, and I knew that in the deepest parts of my heart.
When Francine answered the phone, I asked her to come over. I had to tell her this face to face. I could tell that she knew what was coming, and all sense of her rude attitude that I'd been getting for weeks disappeared. I waited rather impatiently after I hung the phone back onto the receiver.
I ushered her into my bedroom quickly. Mother was out grocery shopping, but I didn't know when she would get home. So I simply made sure to let Francine know that Mother wasn't supposed to know that we were in the bedroom until we came out, if she was even home by that time.
No questions were asked as I began the story of Landon and myself. I could see the emotions displayed across her face so clearly, however. Her eyes darkened drastically, looking disgusted and angry. I could tell that she didn't blame me, even after I admitted to starting to enjoy it.
"It's only natural for your body to begin to respond to treatment such as that!" she declared. "He took advantage of your naïveté, that bastard. I'll kill him!"
She had stood up in her anger and was now pacing the room. "Sit down, Francine, it gets worse," I said in almost a whisper.
She didn't listen to me, but she did turn to face me. She waited for my words. I could tell that she knew what was coming, but I also knew that everything that would come out of my mouth would shock her.
"I'm pregnant now and I've decided to abort it." I refused to allow myself to think of it as a baby. If I did, I wouldn't be able to do what had to be done.
Now she sat down, ever so slowly. The shock was written clearly across her face. Her eyes were wide with it. I wasn't sure if she would approve or not so I waited, holding my breath.
When she recovered, she finally started asking questions. "Are you sure that you can do this, Cry? This is a big deal. Do you have good reasoning?"
I nodded. "I can do it because I know that it is what's best for it." She could see that I couldn't call it a child or a baby.
"I am against abortion all the way, Cry. But it is your decision and I won't talk you out of it. If you want me to, I'll even hold your hand during the procedure." It made me realise how true a friend she really was. She was standing by me, even though she didn't approve of my decision.
Francine did the honours of calling around and finding where I could get it done. I didn't want to talk to anybody. I just wanted to get this chapter of my life out of my way. I wouldn't speak a single syllable until it all ended. It was a nightmare that I had never imagined myself in.
When she finally found a place, we got into her car. I wasn't sure if she was silent because it was obvious I didn't want to talk about it, or because she was disgusted by where she was taking me. There was no disappointment in me, but there was disgust because of the decision I'd made. Even Mother would have had a problem with the abortion. But Mother would never know.
We arrived at a small clinic just past the nearest hospital. It was a tiny brown building in the back, hardly even visible because it was hidden behind two giant pine trees. The front door was taunting me, urging me to join the many who had come that day and past days to murder their own. I almost backed out at the thought. But I forced myself to get out of the car and get into the clinic.
I signed in, and a younger nurse took me back into a room. She ushered me up onto the bed and began to take my blood pressure. "You are within the legal limit, correct?"
I nodded. "She is only about two months along," Francine answered for me, before the nurse could ask anything.
She nodded and then pulled up a chair. "Now, this is part of the procedure. I must tell you the emotional and physical risks you are putting yourself in. We must do this, according to policy, so please listen. I'll have you sign something later." She crossed one long slender leg over the other and rested her hands in her lap as she began.
I nodded so she would begin. "All right, we'll begin with the physical risks. Basically, there could be a chance of severe bleeding. You'll bleed for a little while, but if it is for longer than three days and is extremely heavy, you may be haemorrhaging. See a doctor immediately.
"As for the emotional risks you are taking, many women later regret what they have done to themselves and to their unborn child. There is a severe chance of depression, major depression. Especially after thinking about how the procedure is done. And, despite what many people think, the child has a heartbeat within days of conception, so it is a living being. You can turn around now, but you may not later."
I listened to that part, but ignored the rest of what she had to say. I didn't want to know about how they were going to tear the baby's body apart and rip it from me. It frightened me to think of killing something.
Francine stood beside me as they did the procedure. But when I looked up at her, I saw her face turned away, her eyes shut tight. I could tell that this was bothering her in extreme ways, especially after hearing what they were doing. She had listened to everything the nurse had said.
The doctor had me stay for an hour after they were finished, the longest hour of my life. I just wanted to escape and forget that I had done this. Just as the nurse had mentioned, I was regretting it. I had killed a living being. I was most assuredly going to Hell now. But then again, I deserved it now, didn't I? I deserved to be punished severely.
I didn't speak on the way home. I was too busy reliving every bit of every word the nurse had uttered. I had thought that I had blocked out the part where she explained the procedure. I hadn't. I could still hear her saying "After that, we begin to cut the small body up into little pieces and begin to remove it piece by piece…"
Later that night, I didn't go to work. I lay silently in bed, crying silent tears. I was a murderer. I had killed my child. I had done the most unforgivable deed ever. And I as I lay there, I couldn't imagine ever forgiving myself for what I had done. And I promised myself that it was a secret I would keep from any future children that I would have.
Cry Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Epilogue