Unfuckingfortuneately, I am not lucky enough to get a lot of people to read the stories that I have written, which unfuckingfortuneately has discouraged me from writing any new ones for awhile, even though my stories are better than most stories that I have ever read. What I have decided to do instead is focus my energy at doing some spoken words performances at a couple of places in the city that I live in. The 1st time that I did a spoken words performance was in August 1994 at a coffee shop in St. Paul, Minnesota called Bad Habit Cafe, but they went out of business in 1995. I decided to read my story, Killer Queen that night in August 1994 and I censored parts of it because I wasn't brave enough to read the most "vulgar" parts of the story in front of a group of people. Most people were fucking assholes and walked out while I was reading my story. I also had a 10 minute time limit and the guy who was running the thing was giving me shit because I went over my time limit and I barely made it to the end of my story before they were to cut me off altogether.
My Killer Queen story is already posted on this website, so go in and read it along with my other stories. The person who went up to perform after me was a born again Christian (lucky me NOT!) and he mentioned to the audience that I was so unfair for being a "Christian basher" and most people applauded his comments, which really pissed me off. Anyway, he also told the people that he had nothing against gay people. He also asked me personally if I was gay and told him that I was, but now that I think of it, why should it be any of his fucking business? Then I happened to find his zine, which appears to be cool, claiming to be for punk rockers who are Christians. It's claim is, "arts and literature from a different perspective". In other words, a fascist perspective of bigotry and intolerance in a "friendly way". I happened to read the article that he wrote about how he defines "sin" and he adds extra comments at the end of the article and it was about my story! I had no idea that I had that much POWER! He mentioned in his zine that he was offended because there were explicit homosexual sex acts in my story! I sure wish that I could have read another story that I wrote to him, which is called Evil Dick, because in 1 part of the story, a born again Christian decides to take LSD, just before he has to take a shit and when after he does take a shit, he wipes his ass and he sees the imaged of the Virgin Mary, Jesus and Pat Robertson on the terlet paper with his shit on it! Just imagine how he would have reacted if he heard me read that story! Obviously, it turns out that he is full of shit when he said he had nothing against gay people and he was too chickenshit to say anything against gay people in front of those people while he was condemning me for what I write because half the people who were there were gay. He also bitched about me being slanderous because I mentioned that the born again Christians in my story are members of the the Republican Party. Now what in the world could have ever given me that idea? I guess I was wrong for saying that born again Christians are members of the Republican Party. Actually, I should have mentioned that born again Christians are members of the Nazi party. That ain't far from the truth. Think about all the gay and lesbian people that born again Christians tortured and murdered during the middle ages, not to mention burning witches at the stake. Born Again Christians also contributed to creating the Bubonic Plague big time as well. I can't remember exactly when, but sometime during the dark ages, some fascist born again dictator decided to murder a lot of cats because he believed that cats were possessed by Satan. That caused the population of cats to dwindle sharply. It was cats who would eat mouses, but with there being a lack of cats to eat the mouses, the population of mouses exploded and mouses carry diseases like bubonic plague, which caused a lot of people to croak. Oh, just a fine example of what happens when you allow the ideas of stupidity to rule our lives, but Jesus Christ, I was so bad for saying anything bad about born again Christians!
Anyway, the good news is there were a couple of people there who were cool enough to like my Killer Queen story. I even got the phone # of 1 of the people who liked my story, but unfuckingforuneately, I called and the guy he was living with told me that he didn't live there anymore and didn't know his new phone #. The next time I read something after that was on January 2, 1995 at the same place that I read Killer Queen and I read the introduction to a story that I had just started writing which is called Romantic Bowel movements, which is about a heterosexual man who enjoys having women take a shit on him for his sexual thrills. I wasn't brave enough to read the most disgusting part of the story, so I just read the introduction, which does a great job at bashing born again Christians I might add! On that night, the weather was very cold in which the temperature was below 0 when I got there that evening and it was very windy and the wind-chill was -30°, but it was still better than being hot out. Because the weather was so cold, only a small # of people showed up, but that born again Christian asshole was not there. There was a guy there who was an immigrant from Russia and he said that he liked some of what I had to say, but he said that I did too much swearing, but at least he wasn't a religious asshole.. The reason I went that night is because my friend Gerry had the night off from work and he wanted to check out going to a place that had an open mike. Gerry has hang ups about people who swear too much, but he did mention that I had a good delivery and speaking voice, which made me feel good. I wanted to do other things at that place, but when I came back a few months later, I found out that they went out of business.
In July 1995, I started going to school full time while working and unfuckingfortuneately I had no time to write stuff to read at open mikes, but I thought that it would pay off because I thought that I would get a half way decent job that would pay me enough. After I was done with school, I was only able to find shit temp jobs at scumfuck corporations who kept fucking me over because I wasn't making them enough money and I do think that part of the failures I had is because I came across as being too weird for a lot of people. I am glad that going to school gave me some new computer skills, but because most corporations are greedy money grubbing, narrow minded impatient scumfuck assholes, I had no luck with being successful at getting or keeping a job.
In late 1996 and early 1997 I decided to go to some "storytelling" groups and see if I could read my stuff. Most stories I heard were from middle age women and they were so damn fucking boring, they were enough to make me yawn. There was only 1 place that I felt that it was safe enough to read and talk about some things that were on my mind, but I only read a couple of times. The 1st story I tried to read was a quick outline to a speech that I wrote in which I was talking about how the environment is getting fucked up and I talked about global warming and things like that and the people wouldn't let me finish because they didn't think that what I was talking about was storytelling. The 2nd time I spoke, I read part of my Evil Dick story, but I wasn't brave enough to read the part about the born again Christian who sees the image of the Virgin Mary, Jesus and Pat Robertson on the toilet paper with his shit on it. Even though I didn't read that part of it, I didn't get a very favorable reaction. I did read the part in which Jeff whips out his dick and takes a piss on the Christmas tree, while he goes into a rampage and 1 guy told me that I didn't describe him pissing on the Christmas tree in enough detail, which he thought that the story would have turned out to be better, which I found to be amazing.
Unfuckingfortuneately, I didn't find any "storytelling" groups to be any good. The inter-net was really starting to get big in 1997, so I decided that it would be better to be spending my time creating a webpage, instead. By late 1997, 1998, 1999, I had somewhat better luck at being able to get and keep temp jobs for awhile, but every time I got 1, I never had enough fucking time to do any writing, while dealing with this society that I hate so fucking much. It was pissing me off so much and eating away at me so much because I had no time to write and while my luck was somewhat better at being able to get jobs and keep them for awhile, I still had a lot of failures. By January 2000 after a place I was working at decided to fuck me over and fire me because they told me that they were "concerned" about my happiness as their reason to fire me, I decided that instead of working a full time job and a part time job and having failure after failure from these scumfuck greedy money grubbing scumfuck corporate assholes, I decided that I would be better off working 2 part time jobs and there are times when things get so dead that I get very few hours, which means less money, but the shit of this fucked up fucking bullshit society doesn't eat away at me quite so bad because I have more time to write and express myself.
I also made a decision that the corporate world is such fucking crud that I shouldn't have to spend so much of my life with them and apparently I ain't good enough for them, so fuck em. Since 1989, I wanted to be a writer and be able to speak my mind for a living and people told me that that is not possible. Well, they can go suck my motherfucking Dick and take a flying fuck and eat shit! People who I thought were intelligent turned out to be fucking assholes and told me that artists have to starve. Why is it that I have to starve because they decide to make that decision for me? They are telling that to someone who is not only against starving, but someone who likes to eat at all-you-can-eat buffets and he likes to eat like a pig. To the next person who decides for me that I need to starve because I want to be an artist, I will go to an all-you-can-eat buffet and I will intentionally overeat on purpose so I can throw up all over them! I am fucking sick and tired of hearing all this fucking disempowering fucking bullshit! With the shit luck I had working for scumfuck corporations and with all the current horrible shit going on in the world, things are now to the point that it is not just a dream that I make a living at being an artist, I MUST make a living at being an artist.
It was on September 9, 2000 I went to a cabaret called Balls. I found out that I could sign up and talk about whatever I want. That really inspired me, but I was afraid to. I listened to some of the other performers and some of them even went up on stage and used swear words and some of them even used the word "fuck", which helped give me the courage to go up and speak. It was on November 26, 2000 that I went up and spoke for the 1st time and I talked about the purpose of my life, my hopes and my dreams. Unfuckingfortuneately, I had a 7 minute time limit and 7 minutes is not enough time to get into everything. There were at least some people who happened to like what I had to say. I The 2nd time I performed was on December 17, 2000 when I talked about my experiences from having friends and how much it sucks that I don't have enough friends because so many people are fucking assholes The 3rd time I spoke at Balls was on January 21, 2001 and I talked about my experience with computers and in some ways things didn't go over too well, but I met someone who really enjoyed what I had to say a lot. The 4th time I talked at Balls was on February 25, 2001 and I decided to talk about how much I get pissed off at the news and how much I hate the media. Another reason I started doing spoken words performances is because Jello Biafra said, "don't hate the media, become the media!" Even though I do hate the mainstream scumfuck corporate media, I decided that I MUST become the media! I was terrified before doing my performance talking about how much the media pisses me off because I would be creating the most controversy that I created since I started doing the spoken words performances and I was afraid that some fucking asshole would give me shit. 1 of the reasons that the media pisses me off is the way the media covered the Columbine shootings. Personally, I am very proud of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold for bringing guns to school and shooting all those fucking assholes. They deserved it! Eric and Dylan are true marters because were victimized by bullies and I am glad they went out and shot them. I just wish that they killed more of them and they had Columbine High School wired with bombs and I am very disappointed that none of them went off! I wasn't brave enough to mention how those fucking assholes deserved to be shot at Columbine, but I stopped just short of it! Again, there were some people who are intelligent and really liked what I had to say. On March 25, 2001, I talked about television, not including the news and I talked about how a lot of it sucked, but I talked about some of the very cool tv shows that have existed.
I did another spoken words performance at another place on March 5, 2001 and instead of reading an outline for a speech like I did at Balls, I decided to read my story about how to get "Jesus to love you." I have that thing written so at the beginning of reading it, I appear as someone who is a born again Christian trying to proceltize people to Christianity only to turn out to be sarcastic. A guy there actually thought that I was a born again Christian trying to tell people about Jesus and he was getting pissed off at me in the beginning. He told me that he was thinking to himself, "can't I even go to a fucking poetry reading without these fucking Christians trying to convert people!" I liked it a lot better when it turned out to be something that mocks Christianity. I read that same piece at Balls on April 28, 2001 and people told me that I do much better when I read something off a script than just writing a few notes.
That thing about Jesus is already on this webpage. May 2001 was my 10 year anniversary of visiting Minnesota for the 1st time. I was going to write about my experience of coming to Minnesota in May 1991, but I decided to write about experiences I had with my parents which gave my reasons to want to get away from them in Devoutly Normal People Suck Now I know this isn't as good as my stories because my stories are a lot more vulgar, but keep in mind, that this is stuff that I read to in front of a group of people and I think it's better to tone down the extreme content of my stories than to not be able to express myself at all. Once I can find an audience who will enjoy hearing nastier and vulgar stuff I can get as explicit as George Carlin. The stuff that I read is still more explicit than most people read, but I am not brave enough to go in front of a group of people and read something that talks about fucking dead people, yet.
In Devoutly Normal People Suck, I mentioned that I was Laura Ingalls in my previous lifetime, which is why I decided to say bad things about my parents because I only said good things about my parents when I was Laura Ingalls and I was punished for that. I ended up being reincarnated as me because I failed to tell it like it is when I was Laura Ingalls. On June 17, 2001, I decided to read about me being Laura Ingalls in my previous lifetime at Balls and I won't be posting what I said in here because I already talk about being laura ingalls on this webpage and you can get to it by clicking here. No, I wasn't brave enough to mention in front of a group of people that I wanted to bring a gun to school and shove it up Nellie Olson's asshole and pull the trigger, but I did mention that I wanted to bring Pa's shotgun to school and shoot Nellie Olson and the reason why my life sucks so much is because I failed to express my true feelings in my writing when I was Laura Ingalls.
Because there is so much fucking bullshit and corruption going on in this world, not to mention all the shit that I went through, I really lost faith that there is a God, because if there was a God, none of the shit that is going on would be happening. I also think that all the shit that I went through is because I was punished for telling it like it ain't when I was Laura Ingalls. On July 23, 2001, I read Life After Laura Ingalls at Balls, but I didn't just talk about my doubts about there being a God, I still talked a lot about my spirituality.
A major purpose of my life is to share the ideas I have with the world. Most people in this world have shit for brains and they are too fucking stupid to have the ideas that I have. That is why I decided to talk about what I would do if I could become president of the United States at Balls on August 18, 2001 in a piece I wrote called I want to be elected. I am willing to be that very few people on this planet are creative enough to come with the ideas that I came up with!
Another thing that makes me a visionary is I would like to change the weather! I am glad that the summer of 2001 was the 1st summer that I was able to read stuff since I read Killer Queen in August 1994, but the weather was too fucking hot and horrible during the summer of 2001. The summer of 2001 turned out to be the hottest summer I experienced since moving to Minnesota. On September 9, 2001, the weather began to cool off as that long hot horrible summer was finally coming to an end. It was also on September 9, 2001 that I read my piece at Balls called Evil Weather, which talks about how I feel about hot and muggy weather. On September 29, 2001, I talked about my history of doing weathersheets and keeping weather records and I already have that posted on that other webpage, so I won't mention it here.
Something that I did do during August 2001 and the weather was too fucking hot that day, but anyway, I decided to go to a science museum and they had an exhibit called Grossology. At Grossology, they talked about snot, boogers, farts, bowel movements and burping. On October 21, 2001, I decided to talk about Grossology at Balls and I even talked about feeding boogers to a cat that I once had.
I also have a lot of strong opinions in regards to what happened on September 11, 2001. I decided to hold off on expressing my opinions of that until November 2001 and go ahead and read what I was originally planning for late September and October. I also wanted to give a couple of months to see how everything was going to settle after the major terrorist attacks on the United States. I then decided to write and read 2 pieces in regards to what happened on September 11. The 1st 1 I read was on November 25 which is about trying to figure out what makes terrorists tick and no one gave any shit about what I said and at least some people actually agreed with me. I said even more radical things about terrorism when I read my final piece in 2001 on December 16, which is about the truly best ways to be patriotic, not all the fucking bullshit, we keep hearing in the media telling people to wave their amerikan flags without question support our corrupt fascist unconstitutional government. A lot of things changed in 2001 and what happened on September 11 was definitely 1 of the biggest.
Also, a psychic predicted on November 10, 2001, that I was going to have a big break through at not only at being able to make a living at either writing, doing spoken words or both, but I was going to make a lot of money at it starting at the end of December 2001. Unfucking fortuneately, I did not get my big break through before 2001 came to an end, but I was going to continue speaking at open mikes in 2002. I will talk about my 2002 spoken words performances on the next page.
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