Chapter Three

Sun-filled days no longer came, or if they did, they were not what they were during the summer, somehow. Rain came more often, however, heavier when they did. But it was not unusual for a morning to shine brightly, at least, before the day wore itself out. The skies were noticeably darker now, accompanied by the hues of gray, the lack of color. The air was no longer wet and clinging; it had become thin and cold. As the atmosphere of the city grew lighter, so did the moods of the citizens.

"Rei?"
   "Yes, good morning, Katsuragi-san."
   Misato stepped in only so far so that she would not step over the ledge where she would have to stand without shoes. She stared sorrowfully at the girl who had half-turned to acknowledge her presence. Ayanami Rei, who a season or two back would have regarded Misato with total attention, now looked as if she had lost more than her vision. But at least the girl seemed calm this morning. At once, Misato felt she should offer to bring the girl somewhere today, then wished that were possible.
   "Any plans for the day?" Misato asked, trying to lighten herown mood.
   "None," Ayanami replied.
   "Try to get out and enjoy some free time, then."
   "Yes, I will," was the light response. "Good luck today,"
   Rei's words evoked a smile from Misato. Not the meaning of the words, but the words themselves. Good luck, she says, the woman mulled to herself. Not a number of months ago.
   "Then, I'll be going now."
   "Good bye," Rei answered. She could almost feel Misato freeze at the words. But there were no sounds other than those of the major shutting the door behind her as she left.
   After a moment of thought, the girl opened her refrigerator and reached for a small watermelon. She raised it to the tip of her nose, and exhaled, shutting her eyes.

"Really, do you think this is such a good idea?" Asuka asked her friend. "You just got back, and I'm still recovering here, you know. Attention to us, heh? Why do you feel like looking for that ... girl?" Lazily, she rested the back of her head on her clasped palms as they walked.
   "Come on," Hikari pleaded, slapping her palms together and half bowing playfully. "We're all old acquaintances, aren't we? Besides, you didn't argue half as much when you promised to come with me to look for those two stooges."
   "But at least those idiots are normal," Asuka replied in a half-serious complaining tone. "The First Child is just so ... so weird."
   "Katsuragi-san said she's different now, didn't she? I'm certainly curious about that. I think this morning Katsuragi-san was implying that she might have ... you know ... with..."
   Asuka lowered her eyes, her energy dropping, and it was not because she was still not as healthy as she used to be. Shinji, that baka, who went off and... Everytime Asuka tried to fully take in what had happened, she remembered herself chiding the baka for ... anything. But she never realized that she would feel such an empty spot for him, for that baka. She wished that he was the invincible Shinji he ended up being, that he won that last fight, even without her, that he was alive and slow-witted and perverted and...
   "She must have felt horrible when she found out," Hikari murmured.
   "Baka," Asuka mumbled under her breath.
   "Hm?" Hikari asked, broken out of her musings.
   "I said, you're just a sentimential baka!" Asuka grinned, snapping out of her glum mood.
   "Hey!"

"Eh? Anyone home?" Hikari asked, confused as she pushed the door open, finding only an empty room.
   "Ugh, what a disgusting place to..." Asuka's words broke off when she found that despite the building's unruly manner, the inside of the First Child's apartment was quite tidy.
   "Ayanami-san?" Hikari called. She almost grabbed for Asuka to stop when the German girl began walking towards the main room. A second later, she followed unsurly, looking around for the blue-haired enigma who used to stare out the window during class. Asuka spun around casually, apparently having not found their host. Hikari peeked into the bathroom, and then pulled the curtain slightly open when she realized that it, too, was empty.
   "Not here?" Asuka asked.
   Hikari shook her head.
   Where would someone blind wander off to? Asuka wondered to herself. "Well, let's get out of here. That noise is beginning to kill me," Asuka grimaced a bit to emphasize the point.
   "Okay. How can anyone live here with that construction going on?" Hikari asked, rubbing her ear.
   "Maybe that's why she's not here right now."
   Hikari just nodded and stepped outside, looking up at the sky. She stopped midstep, and wondered. She could almost swear she saw the silhouette of someone up there...
   Opening the door, they saw at the edge of the roof the back of a girl wearing the uniform of a school no longer in session. She also had indigo hair.
   "Ayanami-san?" Hikari called out.
   "Hey! It's us, Wondergirl!" Asuka waved, as the pale girl turned towards them, her eyes not quite finding their targets.
   "We're just visiting-" Hikari broke off in midsentence as Ayanami stepped unto the railings, eerily balancing herself without much visible effort. "Ayanami-san!" Hikari called. "That's ... that's..."
   And then she leaned back, letting gravity possess her.
   "Ayanami-san!"
   Soryu Asuka Langley had already broken into a sudden sprint, and was already halfway to the railings.
   "Asuka!"

Rei knew that the major, if she was still a major, visited every morning worrying that she might try something like that again. The mere thought of this kind of worry and burden she had instilled in those who might have been closest to her bothered her enough. From here Rei's thoughts would always fly in their inevitable multiple directions, from the logic that had prompted her to make such an attempt at all, to the logic that now prevented her from making such an attempt again, to wondering if this is how Ikari-kun often felt. His words from a past so long ago came to mind.
   "...I guess I was like that before I came here. I just didn't care. I ... I guess maybe I was just going through the motions of life..."

"Don't you see, Rei?" Misato did her best not to speak too loudly. It was one of the mistakes she had made when she spent nearly a month conversing with Asuka while the girl was still in the hospital. Rei was a slightly different case. While the girl had probably never offended anyone in her life -- thus making it difficult for one to feel outright anger towards the girl -- her lack of emotional expression was driving Misato near mad. The quality that made a person not care about life -- the one that was expressed by Asuka and Ritsuko alike -- was apparent, it was apparent in Rei's being. The girl could say nothing, do nothing, or do anything, and anyone would still induce that Ayanami Rei was a lifeless zombie. Perhaps the girl felt the same way. No matter what the thoughts and explanations, however, Misato did not want Rei to die for moral reasons, and rather wanted the girl to mature and appreciate her circumstances for reasons more obligatory in spirit. Misato knew she owed the Children greatly, and if she let another one perish, the woman had to wonder if she could take it.
   But so far, these abstract lectures on the importance of existence were getting nowhere and nothing out of the child. And the way the girl just sat there was driving Misato mad. She could not determine if the girl felt that she had nothing or that there was nothing left to live for, or what. Because the girl would not say anything.
   "Rei," Misato finally said in a tone that was a cross between a request and a command. "Rei..." She kneeled and looked up into the girl's eyes, noting that her face seemed slightly sorrowful in that she was frowning. "Listen to me." The girl responded by not responding. "Please."
   "I can't say that I understand the logic behind your motives." Misato caught herself, and wondered if her choice of words -- ones she would have used as an officer -- was the right one for the situation. "But don't disappoint me, Rei." At these words, the First Child tilted her head up slightly. Misato hoped that her touchy wording would work for the better. "Can't you see that you shouldn't live by thinking on terms of what is keeping you from dying? You might think now that ... that having no regard for death is a sign of finality ... but I've always looked down on such an outlook towards God's gift, Rei."
   Misato hesitated for a second, than then slowly laid her hand on the girl's head. It felt strangely normal (she had expected it to feel alien for some reason). "Rei, people live best by looking at things that make them love life. Things that draw them up willingly to act." As she spoke, Misato constantly told herself to stay on the subject, keep it simple, stay on the subject, keep it simple. "If you could just ... just find something to hang on to -- then it'll be the start of something great. And then ... and then, one day you'll be afraid to leave this world, because your existence will be worth something to you. To you, and everybody who loves you."
   The First Child began to blink rapidly, confusing Misato for a second. Then it was clear that the girl was reacting to the tears welling up under her worn eyes.
   "Then, Rei ... then, that's when you'll know you're alive, when you're living the way you should be." Her voice dwindled down to barely more than a whisper.
   And that was it, Misato realized. The past hours she had spent talking to Rei meant nothing, because she herself could not comprehend through and through what she was trying to say. It was so simple now, that Rei, for whom nothing could be special, for whom living was a forced task, was now unique, irreplaceable, and had the chance to experience what it meant to become attached to the world one lives in. It was this simple notion that had been swimming around the back of Misato's mind the whole evening.
   Now was not the time to revel in revelation, however. The tears were becoming heavy now, and Misato quickly stood up and began to search for a tissue.
   "I want you to be strong, Rei, but this time for yourself. Don't waste this chance. Too many people don't have it." Misato was sure she did not have to explain more -- she would sound repetetive and unsure to herself. You owe them, Rei. People like Shinji-kun, you owe them.

Ayanami shook her head slightly, afraid. She had promised to see what would happen in the life to come, and perhaps find reason to it. Katsuragi-san was a good person. Rei knew that if there was anything worth living for right now, she owed it to the major.

"You can always spend your time rotting later, how about doing something right before you do?" Misato asked in a solid voice.
   The good doctor sat crookedly, a broken woman. She would not look at Misato's eyes. "So you've really declared war on NERV, have you?"
   "Yes."
   "And what has the Japanese Defense decided to do?"
   "NERV is being recalled. It's going to be a long string of trials." Misato spoke confidently, knowing that she had already completed the bulk of her part in this effort by meeting up with the JSSDF in the first place. "Even the UN might intervene." Misato had to hold down her grin. Yes, everything that NERV was hiding behind would come tumbling down, tumbling down.
   "And how is it exactly that you want me to help you?" Ritsuko asked with the monotone voice she had been speaking this whole morning.
   "I don't need you to help me, Doctor Akagi," Misato replied.
   "Of course you don't."
   Narrowing her eyes, the major went on, "I want you to help yourself, Ritsuko."
   "You mean I should testify."
   "Can you think of a better way?" Misato asked. She also mentally noted that she did not have much time left to speak with her friend for the day. That was alright. It would be another number of days before all the business would begin. Misato would have to attend a number of them, she knew. Part of the position she was in meant answering to the governments that ruled Japan and the modern world for about the rest of her life, or at least until she had grown very old. That was alright, Misato knew. After all, she was a scientist and a mind out to discover, not conceal. Misato had to smile a little at the thought. From one government job to another, the latter of which would be aimed at completely destroying the former.
   "Has the girl ended her miserable existence yet?" Ritsuko suddenly asked, her grin wide and apparent enough for Misato to see.
   The raven-haired woman felt the hair on the back of her neck rise, and fought down the urge to sneer. Now was not the time. "No. She's fine." It was marvelous, Misato thought, the way Rei, born out of a beast like NERV, was making more progress breaking away from it than this renowned doctor was.
   "Talk to me again," the doctor finally said, when she had grown somber again.
   "Fine."

"Baka, baka, baka!" Asuka yelled as she repeatedly slapped the girl's cheeks. Ayanami, for her part, did nothing other than let herself get tossed around like a rag doll. Ironically, she was not the one who was dropping tears -- that was being left to the German girl.
   "Asuka! Asuka, stop!" Hikari yelled, managing finally to grab the redhead's wrist. Asuka stopped, and panted heavily.
   "What the hell is wrong with you!" Asuka yelled between breaths. She wiped her eyes furiously.
   "Ayanami-san. Ayanami-san?" Hikari reached out to grab hold of the girl's shoulder. "Why ... are you doing this?" the freckled girl asked gently.
   Then Rei began to shed tears. The only warning she gave before doing so was a soft cry as she hung her head.

I definitely never thought I'd spend that much energy rescuing her, of all people, Asuka thought to herself. At the same time she was enraged at the First Child for her idiotic act, she was also enraged with herself. As she shouted at the pale girl for her foolishness, for the trouble she'd cause everyone, Asuka found that her words applied to herself as well, and felt shamed that she was such a hypocrite.
   "Baka," she whispered. It killed her -- that is, she killed herself, the way she was. And most frustrating of all, Asuka did not know what she had to do to make it stop. It made her want to scream, and occasionally, she did, when no one was around. Everything was over now, at least for her. And I missed it.
   Misato had assured her that she did not have to plan her life at the age of sixteen. Asuka wished she could embrace such a notion, even as she scorned the idea that she called procrastination. But what could she do? Tokyo-3 had to be rebuilt, evidently due to the care of Rei. There was no school to attend, and though Asuka was no longer required to attend a school anyway, she felt more alone when she did not. She had already declared to Misato and Hikari that she would attend school as a first year high school student when a place was built. But that would be much later.
   With the number of things to do around the city quartered, Asuka often found she was forced to do nothing, something that drove her mad. She was not an EVA pilot any longer. The other pilots were fine with the idea, except possibly Rei. But there was no one like Asuka, who let the EVA Project define her, make her special. I'm lost now, just like Rei.
   Somehow, the thought did not seem so bad when she was no longer alone in it. But for now...
   "Hello?"
   "Hikari, do you mind if I come with you hospital today?"
   "Oh! Are you going to volunteer, too?"
   "No, I just feel like going."

A girl with blue hair sat up on her bed, facing towards the window. She looked like she was expecting something, waiting. Slight gusts of wind found their way past her. She shut her eyes and did her best to calm herself. She expected and expected, but nothing came, at least not yet. That was alright. The mere thought of what she hoped for was enough to bring back the feelings she longed for. Longed for...
   Then the door creaked open, and the sounds of shuffling could be heard.
   "Hey!" Toji called, stopping at the single step that lead into the main room where Ayanami Rei sat.
   "Good morning, Suzahara-kun," Rei said, closing her eyes softly as her face dipped downwards slightly enough no one could notice.
   "Ready to head off?" Toji asked politely in his own ways.
   Dressed in her usual school uniform already, the girl replied easily, "Yes."

The room smelled of him, Ayanami realized very quickly. She held her breath, unsure why she did so. Perhaps it was a mistake to accept the major's offer to stay here in her apartment for the evening rather than Rei's own.
   "You can use this room tonight," Misato offered. "It used to be-"
   "Ikari-kun," Rei interrupted.
   "Yes ... Shinji-kun's." Misato looked at Rei's face carefully. The girl must have somehow felt her, because in a moment she turned and looked, her expression asking what was wrong. Misato quickly began to speak again. "I haven't cleared it out, but there isn't much to watch out for. Shinji-kun usually kept his room neat enough."
   Rei nodded.
   "If you need anything, just call. I'm just a room away." Misato fought back a yawn, and hoped that they had not woken up Asuka as they came in. She had invited Rei to stay overnight, just in case. "Just in case" meant that Misato would feel more secure knowing she could get to the child on a whim's notice. She did not know what she would do the next evening, however. She certainly could not keep on requesting that Rei stay overnight and keep it innocent. But for now, it was too late to think about it.
   Rei nodded again in response to Misato's instruction.
   "Then, good night."
   "Good night."

"Suzahara-kun! What are you doing here?" Hikari brought her open hand (the other was carrying a stack of papers) behind her back and tried surreptitiously to tidy up her uniform.
   "I'm just visiting my sister," Toji replied calmly. Clearly, he no longer had any trouble moving on a crutch.
   "Oh! How is she?" Hikari asked, bringing her hand back out to steady the papers.
   "We're hoping she gets better," Toji managed. "What are you..." He trailed off as the German redhead strolled out from the women's lavatory. "Agh! What is she doing here?!" The boy's face contorted itself in terror.
   "I was using the bathroom, idiot." A sly smirk. Hikari smiled weakly and hoped things would remain on calm terms.
   "Don't tell me you're volunteering here." Utter indignance.
   "What gave it away? The lack of uniform?" Overly-sarcarstic.
   "Eh..." Hikari began.
   "No, I was fearing for the patients' lives, you devil-woman."
   "Dumkopff."
   A grimace, then, "So what are you doing here?"
   "Why do I have to tell you?" Arms folded. "I'm just visiting," she finally said.
   Toji hmph'd once, and then crossed his arms defiantly, and the staring game began.
   "Can't we all just ... get along?" Hikari asked meekly. At this, the two squabblers looked at each other, stopping short. Then they broke out laughing. Even the class representative had to chuckle at her own comment after a second's thought.
   "Glad to see you've found something to do with your time these days. That uniform suits you," Toji commended, evoking a shock through Hikari's spine.
   "Thank you," she answered softly, fighting back a blush that began spreading across her cheeks.
   Asuka leaned in with a fox's grin. "I'll bet I can guess half the things that idiot is imagin-"
   "Thank you, Suzahara-kun," Hikari interrupted, twitching in desperation. "Er, what are your plans for the rest of the day?" she asked timidly.
   "Actually, I have to bring Ayanami back to her apartment later. Katsuragi's asked me to act as an escort until Ayanami can find the way on her own," Toji explained, scratching the back of his shoulder.
   Asuka blinked at the thought of a cripple walking through the streets of a wrecked Tokyo-3 with a blind girl. The scene was best described as just weird. But, out of mutual respect, Asuka would not comment on the idiot's disabilities, nor would Toji, in return, comment on Asuka's recent episode.
   "How's progress?" Asuka asked.
   Toji actually skipped a thought lapse upon hearing what sounded like a totally normal and unprovoking string of words from the German. "They're pretty sure they can get Ayanami her sight back someday. The hospital's excited, but Ayanami..." Toji stared at the ceiling for a moment. "I'm not sure she even cares."
   Asuka stopped herself from speaking her mind, which said that that sounded perfectly like First Child. It would not have rested well with the company she kept, even if it was just Rei.
   "But I think she's going to be alright, y'know, talking to her and such, sort of." Toji rubbed his cheek thoughtuflly.
   At this, Asuka grimaced noticeably -- well, noticeably to Toji, anyway. She would now have to spend the rest of the day convincing her friend that the dumkopff had no interest in Wondergirl. Such bad taste, she thought to herself, sighing and looking the other way.

Asuka woke up in middle of the morning to the sounds of whimpering. At first, she tried to ignore them and fall back to sleep, until she realized that the cries did not come from Misato, who often cried in her sleep nowadays. They were coming from Shinji's room. Upon realizing this Soryu briefly wondered if she was insane. Shinji's empty abandoned room... She stood up and did not move, listening still as the cries -- mews and little utterances -- kept coming. Slowly, and extremely quietly, she opened her door, and left it open behind her.
   Upon enetering Shinji's room, Asuka found Misato half-kneeling by his bed, which was occupied by ... Rei?
   "What's she-" Asuka was about to burst out, but Misato brought a hand up slightly to signal for quiet. Asuka silenced herself and looked with a frown at the First Child. The girl had been perspiring, beads of water clung to her forehead. The girl's eyes were shut uneasily, twitching and tightening. Her mouth hung slightly open, and from it came sounds of ragged breathing and whimpering. She looks like she in pain, Asuka mused, listening to the string of incomprehensable half-words being whispered.
   Shinji's bed, and the First Child was sleeping in it. Asuka did not like this in the slightest.
   Finally, Misato touched the girl's forehead gently with her fingertips, then her hand. For a second, she felt as if it was Shinji in this bed, that he was sick, that he had only merely been sick this whole time. The thought numbed her heart, and she smiled while holding back tears.
   "Ikari ... Ikari-kun..."
   The two awakened souls froze. They did not turn to one another, then did not say anything. They only listened, but after a minute or two, it seemed as if those would be the only coherent words to be spoken by the sleeping girl tonight.
    Finally, Misato stood up slowly. Her knees popped as she did so -- she had been here for some time now. The woman exited the room and came back swiftly with a wet towel. She wiped Ayanami's neck and forehead, and anounced softly, "She has a fever."
   With that, she turned her attention fully towards the girl.
   "She's human after all," mumbled Asuka, one corner of her lips curled in a frown.

...

Author's note: Wow, I don't think i've ever written a chapter or fic that was composed of so much dialogue. Yes, I've finally brought Asuka into the focus here, possibly a bit too late for the most fiery of fans. I don't care much about that, personally -- I am much more concerned with keeping everyone's transitions in check and character. Special thanks go out to Ender and Chris Burke for their special attention to this chapter.