Chapter Four

Winter. This year, it would be free. Free of caution, the fear that the end of the world may come any day now. This year, the inhabitants of a Tokyo-3 in ruins would enjoy a winter as they could not for a long time. White skies greeted mornings often now. The feeling it evoked in those rising out of bed was a sense of drowsiness, telling them to go back to sleep. The storm had passed. The rebuilding of Tokyo-3 would begin next year. Now was not the time to bustle over it, or any other thing for that matter. But the citizens of the city did bustle, each for their own reasons. Predictions saw that this ruined city would become a landmark, a political and economic center of the world. Those who claimed what they could as early as they could would prosper. To most business-minded persons, this meant that there was work to be done. For a few less driven individuals, this could mean simply settling down in a place that could be called home, and finding those who could be called friends. Then, for even fewer, this meant situating oneself with life, a new life.

Rei sat at her desk listening to the radio. The major had given it to her a while back. There would be no snow this year, so went the report, but things were getting close -- maybe next year? It was, at least, something to look forward to. Rei smiled a very small smile to herself at the thought.
   Then the door creaked open noisily. Rei turned off the radio and lifted her head towards the sound in reponse.
   "Rei?"
   "Yes, good morning."
   Misato must have stopped to think for a second, as Rei did upon realizing that her voice sounded slightly more lively than usual as she spoke her greeting.
   "May I come in?" Misato asked. Rei nodded, and the woman found herself confounded as always by the conditions this girl lived in. The sounds of heavy machinery, the dust and mildew crawling around the building... And yet a clean room existed in the middle of it. Misato stood by Rei as she spoke.
   "I've brought you some warmer clothes for the weather. The Earth's cycle is returning, you know." She set down a bag or two -- so that was the sound that had been accompanying the major's entrance this morning.
   "Thank you," Rei answered politely. A foreign phrase that she spoke more smoothly with every try.
   Were it anyone else, Misato would have insisted that they try on the clothes, but with Rei ... Misato already felt as if she were intruding somehow. She always felt this way when she spoke to the child. "So," Misato began uneasily, leaning against the desk for support, "The talks have gone on to the subject of the pilots."
   The First Child said nothing but listened for more.
   "I've pushed for the Children to become normal citizens, with no connections to NERV. The council has agreed to this, and so you'll have to follow the rules that apply to citizens under the age of 18. That means you'll have to live with a guardian. Commander Ikari has tried to push for some sort of deal from his position to act as yours." Misato looked carefully on the girl's face for any reaction. All she saw was indifference. "And so have I."
   Rei's eyes widened for just a second at this.
   "Rei," Misato began, "I have an open room for you. I'd like you to move in. I've talked to Asuka about this, so..."
   Ayanami lowered her head and closed her eyes, and spoke softly. "No."
   Misato said nothing for a moment. "Do you want the commander ... then?"
   "No," Rei shook her head gently. "I can't use Ikari-kun's room."
   "Oh," Misato murmured. She felt that she might understand, though she could not put what she thought she understood into words.
   "I am ... sorry," Rei struggled to say.
   "Oh! No, Rei, it's..." Misato put her hands up in a semi-defensive position. "It's fine. You've done well with this place, after all. I could try to still act as your guardian here, as well. That is, if you would be willing."
   "Yes," Rei said.
   Right, I will...Misato couldn't quite make a solid thought out of the quirkily-worded response ("Yes" as in "Yes, I am?"). I'll take that as a yes, then. The woman smiled. "You hair is growing longer, isn't it, Rei?" she asked.
   The girl brought her hand up and felt the ends of her hair, which were nearing the shoulder point. "Yes."
   "Are you planning to cut it?" Misato asked casually.
   "No, no plans," Rei replied.
   "Well, I could bring you to a place today, if you'd like," Misato offered. Rei nodded once slowly. "Well, that's good. Shorter hair always did suit you." Misato let some enthusiasm fill her as she spoke. She hoped that she could open a little bit of Rei's world everytime she came to visit her in the mornings. The clothes and hair comments -- they were things Rei undoubtedly never cared much about. But at least it was fun conversing about these simple subjects. At least, Misato hoped it was for Ayanami, too.
   "At any rate, there's still an hour before I have to head off, and it's time that I look to Kaji's watermelon patch. Would you like to come?"
   "Yes."

...

"You're really serious about giving him one?" Asuka almost could not believe her eyes when she saw her friend creep out of the kitchen with a wrapped box in her hands. This, despite the fact that her friend had been vocally considering it for the past number of days. But actually seeing Hikari hold a bento box lunch, for Toji, of all guys, was nearly too much for Asuka to take.
   "Well," Hikari looked at the floor, reddening and refusing to meet Asuka's glare, "I always make too much and-"
   "Agh! I don't believe this! My own friend, seduced by such a... " Asuka trailed off for a second. Even though she did not approve of her friend's judgement, she was not about to criticize it too mcuh, either. "Agh!"
   "Sorry?" Hikari offered weakly.

Toji hated that walking stick Rei had to use in order to travel. It was one of the reasons why Toji still escorted the girl to the hospital on a regular basis. Somehow, it was alright for the boy to have to use a crutch to move around. He could deal with it, and the fact that he could travel alone despite his doctor's orders made things easier for him. He was still a capable and independent young man. But somehow, it felt wrong for Ayanami to have to be impaired the way she was. It was not that she seemed helpless -- the girl had a way of never seeming that way. But for some odd unexplainable reason, the boy could not bear the sight of the girl having to slowly feel her way through life. It somehow broke his heart that Rei did not fight her position, but seemed to accept it, to surrender to it. Was that it? Toji wondered. Was it because of her ungrateful attitude -- her attitude towards the fact that her condition had hope, a hope that should have been renewed everyday she visited the hospital for further research, which Toji himself could never look forward to his wounds healing -- that Toji hated that walking stick?
   No. Toji knew that he was not angry or really even frustrated at Ayanami. There was an odd quality about her that made it difficult to actively feel annoyed at her. Why was it, then, that he could not just let the girl be? He felt an odd pull or ambition to help her, not because he felt for her condition, either (though of course he did). Ayanami herself had never specifically requested his aid, nor had she asked him to stop. Toji got the impression that this was so only because that was the way she was, the way she tolerated everything. Personally, Toji hated that. He hated how Ayanami never seemed to dislike anything, or enjoy anything, either. It was as if she really truly had no purpose to live. Toji shuddered at that last thought. If Rei had done it, had really done herself in, how would he have taken it? Personally, the boy did not want to know, although he did know that he felt horrible even with the outcome of her being alive.
   There were times when Toji wanted to grab the girl by the shoulders and just vigorously shake some sense into her. Of course, he could never do that. Firstly, he would never do that to any girl, period, and secondly, this was Ayanami, a girl whose being still managed to spook him sometimes. But she just took her blindness, not as if she were not saddened by it, but as if it did not even matter.
   Toji froze in his steps. She was just like his sister. What that the problem that dwelled in his conscience? Ayanami Rei and his younger sibling truly resembled one another sometimes. The way they spoke -- or didn't speak, rather, the way they were always so quiet, like machines that did not activate until someone was around, like that tree falling in the forest that no one hears. The way they always seemed to be tired, not lethargic, but spiritless. The similarities between the two were always of these depressing types. Toji Suzahara frowned.
   "Suzahara-kun," Rei suddenly spoke out. "Are you alright?"
   "Hey," Toji assured her. "Sorry, just had to wipe my eyes."

"Let's just get this over with." There was a part of Asuka that was kicking herself for, ironically, ushering her friend to give the thing to the undeserving dumkopf. She should be agreeing with the timidness that had caused Hikari to lose her nerve when she stepped inside the doors of the hospital.
   "But," Hikari whimpered, "but I haven't prepared for this."
   "'Prepared for this?'" Asuka phrased in disbelief. "What are you talking about?"
   Hikari began rehearsing how she would lift the box up like so, and how she would say whatever it was she was going to say to an invisible person. She mumbled her words softly, softly enough to make Asuka twitch with frustration.
   "That's it, I can't take this anymore." With that Asuka turned around and began walking towards the doors.
   "Asuka?" Hikari called after her, turning to see when her friend was going. Then her eyes widened, and the urge to hide flooded her senses. It was too bad that her feet would not move.
   "Hey, stooge! Get over here! It's your lucky day!"

...

"Oh, c'mon, c'mon," Misato carefreely -- or at least, as freely as she could be while doing such business at NERV headquarters -- dismissed Doctor Akagi's nagging that now was a critical time for Misato's new "career," and that there was far too much work to be done remaining. "A time for work and a time for play."
   "Fine," Ritusko said firmly, "But I for one will be ready for my parts of this thing when they come." With that, the doctor resumed her browsing of the MAGI files.
   What a workaholic, Misato thought with a sigh.
   "Some of us have a sense of responsibilty," Ritsuko responded indignantly, causing Misato hit herself mentally for thinking aloud. But she felt a sense of redemption when she took a final look at her friend before she left for the evening. The doctor wore her normal uniform, except she had tossed her labcoat somewhere else a few days ago. She had rolled her sleeves up and gotten a minor scratch or two at various points during the past few days and evenings. The doctor's bifocals glared with the light emanating from the terminal she was currently working at. She had begun to smell, too. But she had a purpose again, and Ritsuko had decided to take it on for all it was worth. The thought made Misato feel both thankful and lucky at the same time. Perhaps would become friends when this whole ordeal was over, many many years from now.
   For Ritsuko, however, the mere idea that she was spending the kind of time it took her mother to build and create this machine that would become so focal to a war to instead dissect it, tear it apart, and conclude the aftermath of that war was poetically enough to renew her efforts at her tasks.
   "Have a nice weekend," Misato said with as much a hint of friendliness as she could summon. She did not wait for a reply, betting that there would be none, and so she exited the main bridge and nodded her way past the JSSDF military advisors standing at attention along the hallways and lobby leading out of the complex.

This hospital always reminded Rei of her past, of her entire life. The white glaring lights and the perfectly clean floors that hid the disease and poison that infested this place never failed to slightly sicken her mind for a brief moment. They haunted her. After all, in some ways this hospital was her life.
   But they never frightened her. When she was young -- or rather, when she had just been reborn -- this place felt like a home that was a prison. And then, some time later...
   "Ayanami ... We might not have anything desides the EVA program right now ... but, well ... as long as we stay alive ... someday, we'll be glad that we survived. It might be far into the future ... but, until then ... let's live on."
   "Look at them," Asuka spoke in an annoyed tone as she watched Hikari and Toji converse a respectable distance away. "Every morning."
   Rei blinked, her eyes directed lazily towards the floor a distance in front of her, causing Asuka to catch her own words with embarrassment.
   "I mean, how long could it take him to take the damned thing already?" Indeed, Hikari Horaki was still holding her daily gift within both of her hands and she tilted her head down slightly under Toji's gaze and spoke. Toji, for his part, did his best to not look foolish. The two seemed to be getting along just fine. Whatever it was they were talking about, the German girl could only hear in terms of muffled sounds. Asuka looked up at the hospital lobby's clock. "What on earth could they be talking about?"
   "I don't know," Rei answered, knowing full well that the question was rhetorical. This, however, was because she could hear what the two were saying but she could not really understand it. Her remaining four senses had improved over time to compensate for her lack of sight. A strange sensation overtook her. She felt fine, almost happy, even -- happy for Suzahara-kun. Yet she felt tears gathering before she held them down. One cries when happy, too, Rei knew, but this did not feel like one of those cases. What was going on? she wondered carefully.

...

"I can't imagine what school will be like," Aida Kensuke smartly remarked, smugly looking away from the people he spoke off. "Looks like Toji won't have as much clean up duty as usual."
   Asuka hmph'd in half-disgust. Hikari looked somewhere else. Toji, who had not dared sit within a meter of the girl who often made him lunch these days, thought it would be a good idea at that moment to punch his friend to shut up. Kensuke, who knew nothing of his friend's "secret affair" until just before this evening, decided it would be a great idea to keep on talking.
   Misato had left the apartment to Asuka's care -- by "Asuka" she really meant "Hikari." She did not want to be with young faces this evening. She could not give a good reason why not, but as she drove slowly through the streets of the city, she felt that it was good that she was out here, and not back in there. Besides, there were her friends to attend to. Yes, despite her actions against her former co-workers's careers, Misato had made a small number of acquaintances. These were the people who knew enough about the multiple projects underlying Project E to support Misato's cause against conspiracy. These were also the people who were with Misato during the most pivotal moments of the invasions. Finally, these were people who, like Misato, lived through their day jobs blinded from the truth. Everyone had a lot in common. This was really Hyuuga and Aoba's party, but they absolutely insisted that Misato join in. It was really just a small gathering at a local bar, but these days, with Christmas and the new year looming about, everybody was looking for an excuse to have some free time to themselves. After all, few people from NERV had gotten to celebrate any holidays or occasions for a very long time now.
   Misato smiled inwardly at the amount of trouble she had hurled herself into these past few months. She was lucky, however. The commander seemed less determined and solid than his usual self -- but perhaps this notion came only from the fact that Misato had yet to deal with him face to face. The sub-commander seemed resigned to his fate, even, and from the way he had looked when Misato had last seen him, the major had to wonder if the aging man would make it through all this trouble at all. For all this, Misato felt somewhat fortunate in her disposition.
   In fact, she even felt hopeful. She knew that one of the bargaining chips the commander and sub-commander held in their favor was the truth. The truth itself was a grand thing that Misato cared about more than the Board of Japanese Defense probably would. But the truth also included information about the ghost of Seele, an organzation's whose existence, if Kaji-kun was correct, would interest not only the board but the rest of the world's leaders infinitely more than it would Misato herself. She almost hoped that the commander dodged his fate this time. He might even be the less of the two evils. Regardless, this was a trade that Misato would have accepted firmly were it to take place.
   But enough politics for tonight. Reaching her destination, Misato could see the lights of the bar, and could hear the hubbub from within. She straightened her clothes briefly, and marched in confidently.

Ayanami Rei sat peacefully on the roof of her apartment. The night was cold, so cold that it clung to her. It was alright, however. The girl wore a jacket over her normal attire. She sat near the roof's end, but her feet rested comfortably on the solid rooftop, a safe distance from the railings, and did not dangle over its edge. Instead, Rei's legs were bent slightly, and she leaned forward and rested her arms on her knees easily. Into her crossed arms rested her chin. Her mouth breathed silently into the fabric of her red jacket.
   She could not know it, but the moon was full tonight. It was large, looming, and clearly visible, or would have been. It was so glaring, so bright, it casted shadows. Its design and beautifully sculpted details could be appreciated wonderfully tonight by the citizens of Tokyo-3. For Rei, however, she could only have hoped that this was so. She had been sitting on this roof nearly every evening for the past number of months now, always hoping that there was a picture this grand to behold, or at least be a part of.
   Finally, after an hour or so's passing of hoping, of waiting, and of hoping yet more, Rei sat up slightly, and exhaled. She could almost imagine vividly how her breath would have ushered out a patch of white mist into the air, how it would have dissolved, dissipated. She closed her eyes in an effort to make the picture even clearer. Finally, she turned her gaze, which had been away from where the moon would have been. She now faced where she believed the shining rock hung, and opened her eyes, standing up carefully. The light, the thick white light, played over her eyes, but none of it could pass into her. They could not penetrate the surface of her jewel crimson eyes. Ayanami Rei could not know that there really was a full moon tonight, even less how grand it was. But she could hope.
   With that thought in mind, Rei walked slowly towards the stairway down.

A number of drinks had been downed, but Misato had somehow managed to remain eerily sober throughout the evening. In fact, if anything was going to affect her driving home this evening, it would more likely be the fact that Misato was exhausted from the past number of days and nights than the alcohol she had consumed over the past many hours.
   She held her head up by resting it on a hand which in turn rested on the table. But she sat up slightly firmly, a sure sign she was still in control of her senses. Some of the attendees of the party took turn singing a few pieces on the light stage, while others played a few pieces they knew on the piano. The band had already headed home. Truth be told, Misato was not used to this type of gathering. It had its louder moments, but for the most part it remained quiet and cool, a strange mellowness hanging through the hours.
   Now, after an evening filled with words rather than noise, Misato found herself left alone at her seat, watching everyone else enjoy themselves freely. The raven-haired woman smiled with satisfaction. Despite all the trouble going on in the world for her, the rest of the universe seemed to be running through time peacefully. The citizens of Tokyo-3 will one day find themselves in one of the leading cities on Earth once again. That would probably take only a decade or so, given all the attention the city was rightfully receiving. Misato, however, had been toying with the idea of leaving this place, leaving everything behind, and moving to a place less in the middle of things. She did not have any solid reason for doing so, but she felt that she should move to a place which ran at a slower tempo. Well, the future would take care of itself for her, Misato figured. Besides, she still had Asuka to watch over for a while, until the girl grew up, or grew tired of her. Misato smiled again, this time to herself -- she felt almost like a mother, a mother whose child wanted nothing other than her own personal freedom. It would be Misato's obligation to see if she could help make the German girl the best person she could be before she inevitably left and headed out into this brave new world.
   Then there was Rei. Rei...
   Misato checked her watch, blinking a few times to focus her vision. It was late, well into the early morning. Looking up, Misato thought to herself for about half a minute, and then excused herself as gracefully as she could.

...

"Kaoru-kun," Shinji said. His voice squealed as he spoke through his dry and neglected throat. He remained staring at the world below, his eyes calmly open. "Take me back now, please."

Author's note: Many thanks to, once again, Ee Loong Toh for his attention, his care, and his thoughts. Chapter five, although 90% planned out, will possibly be a long time coming. I am not in the most encouraged of moods as I write this piece. We'll see what happens.