Chapter Six

Again, the door had not been answered. Walking towards the maglev station, Shinji mulled over the fact that this was the second time that he had walked to Ayanami's residence and found no one home. Sighing, he began to wonder if he would find her at the hospital, either. But she had to be there. He might have been a little later visiting her home than he normally would have been, but he did not want to bump into Misato as she made her daily pass by the apartment. His hesitation came from many such little factors, and now he blamed them for his disappointment.
  Sighing still more, Shinji entered the maglev station, destination confirmed.

Ayanami came to the hospital earlier these days. The doctors needed slightly more time with her now. She did not complain.
   The rooms were well-lit, she could feel so. She could because the lights were not the artificial lights lit from hospital wards for patients in rooms. Those lights radiated a sort of heat that exasperated every nerve in a person's body. Instead, the light Rei knew greeted her in the laboratories every morning was pure white and cool, cool with the winter morning breeze that slipped through the white cotton curtains draped upon windows. She liked this light, and was often in a calm and cooperative mood by the time the doctors greeted her.
   Sitting for hours, having her eyes examined by a variety of different instruments, and answering questions -- most already answered before -- did not bore Ayanami. The doctors were always kind to her, now that they were used to her seemingly-mute persona. Rei sometimes wondered if Suzuhara was outside waiting or watching her (did the doors have windows?). Rei found that she liked Suzuhara's presence because he shared a claim with her -- Shinji's confidance. Suzuhara had told Rei by chance once that she reminded him of his sister, who resided in the hospital. She thus felt almost a sort of bond towards him -- a small one, the kind that linked the two of them as Children, as classmates, and now, as a sort of distant family. That connection was strengthened when Suzuhara's sister finally passed away many months back. It was strengthened, Rei knew, because she wept -- just a little -- for him and the emptiness that came with the loss of a loved one he must have been feeling. Some part of her always felt like saying thank you to Toji Suzuhara when he greeted her in the mornings, and when he left her to her apartment in the evenings.
   Lunch hours were sometimes intimidating in the sense that the serene atmosphere characteristic of the earlier morning would be left behind as the hubbub and comotion of employees on break came in. However, Soryu, Horaki, Suzuhara, and sometimes Aida (who visited to, as he said, "keep Toji in check" -- much the same utterance Asuka gave) never failed to fascinate Rei with their exchanges and interactions. Rei spent most of this time listening. She would answer questions as best (that is, concisely) she could, but would rarely ever pose her own. There was a sort of ambivalent brotherhood between these people -- one that alternated between antipathy and loathing, raw superficial declarations and underlying insinuations. It was the definition of friendship Rei was witnessing, and she was enchanted by it.
   The afternoon brought the busiest portion of the day. This is when every day became unique as the doctors would alternate between discussion, inquiry, experimentation, and invention. For Rei, this became the time where she found herself in the center of the modern day -- where she could not help but realize that this was her life, this day, and this was the world, this day. She could not express the feeling of now that she experienced during these busy hours in any better words.
   Usually, by the time Rei exited the laboratory wing of the facility, she was mentally tired and would understand the sighs of relief and cries for food and relaxation the others would voice.
   Today, however, came an unfamiliar voice, causing Ayanami to stop short in her step.
   "Ayanami?" asked this new voice.
   Rei blinked and nodded. "Yes."
   "Er, my name is Seta Noriyasu..." The voice came closer. A hand fell on Rei's shoulder gently, though it surprised her nonetheless, causing her to half-jerk her head around to face whoever was behind her before she realized who it was.
   "Oh hey," Toji pointed out. "It's you." Rei turned back towards the new visitor and blinked.

"Sorry," Ayanami greeted. Shinji pulled a seat for her and led her to it. "I am not used to having visitors."
   "Ah," Shinji responded, nodding. He noted that Toji lingered by the entrance to the cafeteria instead of coming in as well. He sat down and scooted forward, and found himself almost entranced to see her up so close.
   "What can I do for you?" Rei asked politely. These were words, Shinji knew, she would have never articulated just a year ago.
   He smiled, and replied in a good voice, "Shinji was a very good friend of mine." Rei tipped her head to the side slightly at the declaration. "That is, I knew him since we were children before he came here," Shinji added. Rei nodded.
   "Shinji and I still communicated after he came here," Shinji began. He had prepared this cover story easily for some time now, although in truth, he felt slightly worried he might not have accounted for something. Still, it was the best one he could come up with as it involved the least amount of lying possible. Outright falseness was something Shinji was not confident he could pull off or at most keep up for long. "One of the things we talked about ... after he moved ... was how dangerous his, er, job was." Shinji found he had some difficulty verbally expressing the ideas he had in his head, but he tried not to worry. "A little before he died, he ... talked a lot about ... that is, you."
   Rei smiled a small smile, or she might have been hiding it -- Shinji was not sure, but he took in a deep breath and felt slightly more confident. Rei nodded again, prompting Shinji to continue.
   "He told me that if anything happened to him, to try my best to come and find you." And so here you are, Shinji smiled inwardly to himself. Rei blinked, and so Shinji went on to answer the question he knew she was thinking. "That is, because Shinji had some things he wanted to leave for you."
   Rei's gaze fell slightly lower.
   Shinji decided to take a small chance in the midst of this tender moment. It would be, in retrospect, a very dumb move. "Were you," he began, noting Ayanami's somber expression. Rei looked back up slightly. "That is, were the two of you close?"
   She was taken aback by the question, Shinji could tell. "Why does that matter?"
   Shinji was equally taken aback by such a reply. "Well, because, that is..." he stammered for a few seconds.
   "It is not your business," Rei stated flatly, in an old monotone voice that, to Shinji, said that he did not deserve any better.
   A sense of frustration began to creep around the back of Shinji's mind. "But it is my business!" Shinji blurted out. He followed by mentally kicking himself. Seta. You are Seta Noriyasu. "I'm sorry," Shinji quickly amended. "Shinji was a good friend of mine, and ... and..." He was lost, Shinji realized.
   "I do not know you, Noriyasu-kun," Rei said softly. But there was a strong sense of will behind the soft tone of her voice. It was obvious to Shinji that his welcome was beginning to wear itself out. "I did know Ikari-kun." She was definitely getting annoyed with him, Shinji was sure of it. "The same as you."
   "I- I'm sorry," Shinji sputtered. "I was just wondering about the details of what he had told me-"
   Suddenly Rei's eyes flashed angrily, nearly scaring Shinji off of his seat. Rei's composure kept its calmness, but despite the rest of her frown having not changed, Shinji could swear that her eyes were stabbing at him. "Ikari-kun would not have said anything," she declared firmly.
   Because he kept it between just the two of you, Shinji realized. He had made a big mistake. To Rei, Shinji Ikari was a real person. To Seta, Shinji was not, as Shinji Ikari was now Seta Noriyasu. "That ... that is..."
   "Excuse me," Rei asked, slightly surprised at herself. She had been allowing her emotions to flirt with her actions recently, but had not expected such an outburst. So she stood up, and shut her eyes as she pushed her chair back in towards the table. "I think you are ... mistaken."
   What? Shinji wondered. What did that mean?
   Truth of the matter was, Ayanami was not sure, either. She was sure that she wanted to leave, however.
   "Wait!" Shinji called after her as she began to turn and leave. "Please, I just want to talk to you." Ayanami considered this simple fact for a moment. "Please, let me walk with you." Shinji stood up as he spoke, he hand flexing towards reaching out after her.
   Ayanami Rei breathed slowly, regaining her balance. She wanted to feel her cheek and forehead and make sure she was in normal physical condition, but did not. "Leave me alone." And then ironically, she tipped her eyes downward, as if in a half-bow. Perhaps she was apologizing to him for her own expression of agitation. She walked towards Suzuhara, who was watching with noted interest.
   "I..." Shinji tried to think of something to regain the ground he had lost. "I'm sorry," was all he could think of. In retrospect, Ayanami's attitude towards his inquiries were obvious. What a way for Seta Noriyasu to meet Ayanami. "Ayanami!" he suddenly shouted out, unable to stop himself. "It's- it's-" Suddenly, Shinji's chest began to convulse, and he could not help himself from spasming as he choked on the very air he breathed. It's me! he wanted to shout. I am ... I am Shinji Ikari!
   The next thing he realized, he was sitting sloppily in his seat, a napkin stuffed in his mouth. He was sweating profusely.

   "There is no way you will be able to tell others who you are."

   "You alright?" someone asked. It was Toji. Shinji looked up with tears from choking, and nodded in a resigned manner.
   Suzuhara, who had been eyeing Seta with studying eyes since he saw him today, was rubbing his cheek thoughtfully.

That evening, Shinji sat down at his desk with some stationary and a blank tape. He needed to apologize and make up for what he had lost. He also had to somehow tell Ayanami who he truly was. This idea was not a very crafty one, but it was the best he could come up with. Shinji took a sip of freshly brewed tea, and remembered briefly the day Ayanami burnt her hand attempting to make some for him. He smiled at the thought, and, in risen spirits, began.
   Ayanami, he wrote. I am Seta Noriyasu. I am also Shinji Ikari. You must believe me...
   It was not long before he spoke into the radio he had bought. "This recording is for Ayanami Rei. Ayanami, I am Seta Noriyasu. I am also Shinji Ikari...

...

The next morning, Shinji walked at a quick pace through the hospital hallways. He carried a bouquet of flowers and looked over the tape he had made. So focused on what he was carrying he was, that he felt like an idiot as he bumped straight into someone rounding a corner.
   "Ah! Sorry!" Shinji apologized bowing his head slightly. He looked up and saw that his flowers being held by one Hikari Horaki. The girl looked very surprised.
   "Oh!" Shinji said, bowing quickly and accepting back the bouquet. He kneeled down to pick up his cassette.
   "For Ayanami?" Hikari asked. Her voice seemed almost ... sly, causing further embarrassment on Shinji's part. He refused to meet her eyes as he laughed nervously and nodded. "I heard," the girl continued, dropping her hands to her sides.
   "Oh," Shinji nodded.
   "She's not here today, though," Hikari continued, some sympathy in her voice.
   "Ah?"
   "She said she wasn't feeling well today, and couldn't come."
   Shinji fought down the urge to slap himself over the head. This luck he was having lately was becoming ridiculous. "Oh," he finally managed, scratching the side of his head. "Thank you." He bowed after some hesitation, and turned to leave.
   "Ah, Noriyasu-san!" Hikari called after him. Shinji stopped in his tracks, and turned around. "Ayanami-san, that is, she won't be home, either. A friend called, and said that she was at the Katsuragi residence where Ikari-kun used to stay."
   Shinji's face lit slightly, though it was a bit forced on his part to show appreciation. He would not liked to have found the Ayanami residence empty for a third time. "Thanks again," he said, some relief finding its way into his voice." he paused, considering the possiblity of sounding nosy (and after yesterday's turn of events, he wanted nothing less). Finally, he asked, "Was it ... Asuka?"
   "That's right, I'm sure Ikari-kun told you plenty about her," Hikari smiled and nodded.
   Shinji nodded in return. "Thanks. Bye, then."
   "Good luck," Hikari grinned slightly, and bowed. Sighing, Shinji left the building, feeling quite silly.

"So is he bothering you, then, Rei?" Misato asked sternly. To Asuka's ears, it sounded like the woman was asking for an request to bully someone. Maybe all that business with the government was getting to the lady or something.
   Rei shook her head. "No, I only met him this once. And it was not entirely unpleasant." Both Asuka and Misato perked their ears at that last statement. "It felt... " Misato leaned forward slightly, as if to hear better what was being said. "It felt like Ikari-kun was there, very close." At this, Misato could have fallen through the floor. Instead, she just drooped her head, and sighed. "I felt ... lonely, this morning." Rei was obviously unsure of her own assessment of her feelings. When she reported such a diagnosis to Toji this morning, he had decided that he would not be able to understand or deal with the situation himself, and so he had suggested coming here, for a variety of reasons, all of which pointed to the hope that being in this apartment would make Ayanami feel better.
   "This is the right place, Rei," Misato assured the girl. She still had a few hours to burn before she had to be somewhere today. Maybe spending it with Rei, having a lunch and some conversation with her -- the two had not done that for some time now -- would smooth things out a little.
   "Well, I'm off, then," Toji declared.
   "What, Suzuhara-kun, you're not staying?" Misato offered. She liked the kid.
   "Nah," Toji waved his hand. "Too many women around here."
   "What?" Asuka retorted, "What about all that time with the three of us at the hospital? Or is Hikari ... special?" The German girl leaned on the table and rested her chin on her hands, grinning slyly.
   "Yeah, well," Toji remarked, annoyed, "that and the fact that you don't count."
   Asuka fumed slightly. "Leave, dumkopf."
   "Devil-woman," Toji replied, heading towards the door.
   "Thanks as always, Suzuhara-kun," Misato called.
   "No problem, no problem." He opened the door, and nearly fell back into the wall. "Whoa!"
   "Ah, good ... good morning," greeted a surprised Seta Noriyasu, holding a bouquet of flowers.
   Toji looked at him for a second, then gave him a sympathetic smile. "Er, hi." He stepped aside and followed Seta inside. This new guest was surprised yet once again within the minute upon seeing three sets of eyes bearing down upon him.
   "Flowers?" Asuka asked in a tone of disbelief.

The morning was an odd compromise of heaven and hell. Shinji got his original wish -- to speak to Ayanami. Apparently, the bouquet of flowers and the other gift he brought with him -- the tape -- were enough to give him the opportunity to sit down and speak. Misato would have argued to let him stay anyway, if only because she had nothing against this friend of Shinji's, whom she personally believed him truly to be. And so Seta found himself surrounded by the three most important women in Shinji's life -- after Asuka had given Toji a brisk "Aren't you leaving yet?"
   However, the redhead was constantly giving him unhappy looks, while Misato kept prodding for information about Seta and Shinji's background. Asuka eventually joined in, too. But having truthfully lived where Shinji had as a child, Shinji could give accounts that were accurate should anyone decide to make a check on them. Thinking like this made Shinji feel like a criminal in a way. But he was also learning how to ask the questions he had in his mind in the right ways. Even Rei became noticeably more comfortable with his presence. Well, noticeable to Shinji, anyway.
   It was all as simple as asking, "So then ... was Shinji a good student while he was here?"
   "Are you kidding?" Asuka jabbed. "Sure, if by being a good student you mean he did his homework and barely passed, sure. But that baka was so thick-headed he couldn't tell a thing when the class rep spilled her guts out at him about her infatuation with that dumkopf you know as Toji."
   Seta smiled, chuckled nervously, and sweatdropped. "That ... that thick, eh ... was he?"
   "I don't think he was," Rei put in softly, causing Shinji to beam. She seemed to think to herself for a moment. "Perhaps he was a little." Seta coughed once. But so am I, she did not add.
   "But just a little, right, Rei?" Misato asked, winking easily to the other two children since Rei could not see her do so. Though one had to wonder if she noticed it somehow by other means.
   "Yes," Rei's slight embarrassment shone just enough to be apparent for a second.
   Misato took everyone out to a simple cafe for lunch. She drove wildly, obviously in good spirits, for which Shinji was very glad. Still, he looked no less than terrified at every moving object on the road as he clung to the seat for life. Asuka and Rei, for their part, sat in their seats without a hint of fear, Asuka leaning upon the window, Rei with her hands in her lap. Both frowned slightly and sweatdropped.
   Shinji noted that this should have been it, that this should have been enough, just being and speaking to Ayanami once again. Yet he did not feel the satisfaction he had hoped for. By lunch's end, he was sure that he would have to break his vow or he would regret it. Back on better than bad terms with Ayanami only drove him to strive for more. This became especially true, when, having finished her meal first (probably because she had spoken the least over lunch), Ayanami excused herself to use the restroom. Shinji had noted that she had brought the tape cassette with her in her pocket when they left the apartment. She had also taken his old SDAT player.
   Excusing himself, he too headed for the restrooms, but instead waited outside the doors, hoping -- no, knowing that Rei would have listened to his recording by the time she came out. Shinji took several deep breaths.
   Ayanami exited, and nearly walked past him, but stopped instead, having noticed him. "Noriyasu-kun?"
   "Yes," Shinji breathed. "Did you," he pointed at the tape in her hand, "did you hear it?"
   "You were waiting for that?" Ayanami replied. It was an odd reply for a person like Rei; she almost never answered a question with anything other than a straight answer. The pangs of fret began to hit the back of Shinji's spine.
   Still, he nodded, "Yes."
   "I did," she replied. Seta began to smile for just a split second, until Rei added, "It's empty."
   "What?" Shinji was in disbelief. Still, he knew it was probably true, somehow -- in truth, he did not fully expect this plan to work out. He took the tape back from Ayanami's offering hand. He could say nothing at the moment.
   "But I accept your apology," Rei nodded slightly. "Please carry out Ikari-kun's wishes soon." With that, she turned and slowly headed back to the table.

Shinji's confidence was in pieces on the way back to the Katsuragi residence. He did not even notice the speed with which obstacles on the road zoomed by. He just leaned towards and looked out the window, calm by inwardly glum. When Misato joked about him being used to the ride already, Seta had to struggle to smile back.
   "Hey," Misato suggested, "if you're ever near the Geofront, stop by and tell them you're waiting for me -- maybe I can give you a tour and we'll talk some more. You know how to get there?"
   "Of course," Seta replied with a slight lack of enthusiasm. "I've there before already. I checked out quite a bit of Tokyo-3 my first day here," Seta smiled a grim smile as he throught back to the sense of excitement he felt two days back. "I heard a lot about this place from Shinji. I picked up his diary, too, that night I came by." Shinji realized quickly that his lies were going astray. "With his permission, of course. It's the source of my information..."
   "Diary?" Rei asked with ostensible curiosity.

I had not expected Ayanami to leap at the idea of a diary so vigorously. It was just a fib of the moment to cover up some mistakes. But she became so excited at my words that she requested to meet me this evening about it. Alone, even. I eagerly agreed. But when did I ever have a diary? I didn't.

"You sure you'll be okay?" Hikari asked that evening. Toji and Asuka agreed with her concern.
   Rei nodded once firmly. "Thank you."
   "You sure you don't need me?" Toji asked one more time. Personally, he did not think that that Seta guy was such a bad person at all and had no problem with him. But the prospect of Ayanami, whom he had to admit he worried about, walking home at night, even in this lightly populated area of the city, did not sit well with him. But the girl insisted on being alone, and Toji did not want to seem overbearing, especially not in front of Hikari. And strangely, Toji doubted anyone who did not know a weird person like Rei would even think about messing with her.
   "Then we'll see you tomorrow," Hikari said. "Good luck," she added, for the second time in one day.

Meanwhile, Shinji found, after having written just the first page of his impromptu diary, that there was no way he was going to make it. So, he had no choice but to, as Toji used to say in class, "half-ass it." He dropped the diary he had purchased just a few hours ago in the sink, turned on the faucet and let it run for about ten seconds. Then he fished the small book back out, and began to blowdry it.
   "Nothing for it, then."
   Soon, he was dashing towards the cafe they had eaten at earlier today.

...

"Sorry, sorry!" Shinji called as he scampered into the lightly populated NERV cafeteria. "I'm late!"
   "No, I'm early," Ayanami replied politely, listening carefully. Noriyasu-san sat down, and accompanying him was a sound that prompted Rei to ask carefully, "Is that the diary?"
   Shinji almost hesitated before answering. Having heard Rei speak possibly more than anyone else ever had, he was sure he detected a sense of hope in her voice. He smiled a very small smile, as if he was afraid she would notice it, and sort of answered her with a "hah... (yes)" and asked, "Ah, how are you going to read this?" He tried as best he could not to offend her.
   She shook her head gently with a thoughtful look. It was obvious she would share it with few people later on. "Could you," Rei breathed lightly, "please?"
   Shinji found himself still intrigued by Rei's complexion (what had he missed in ten days?), and flipped the cover slowly. "Ah, where should I begin?" He swallowed and relaxed.
   "Anywhere," she replied evenly.
   "Should I read about the two of you, then?"
   Rei seemed to think about it for a second, and then slowly nodded. Shinji smiled, and flipped open a few empty pages.
   "Ah ... warm ... warm evening..." Shinji thought back as clearly as he could. Soon he was losing himself in a combination of thought and those jewel pools of red staring in his direction. "Ah, warm evening..."
   "Is that it?" Rei asked, a calm sort of curiosity in her tone.
   "Oh!" Shinji exclaimed. "No, no, there's more." He calmed himself, and began.
   "November 17th, 2015, warm evening. My fourth outing, the second for this encounter. I won't have to be alone this time. There is the other pilot with me this time. Her name is Ayanami Rei. She's very quiet, and strange, but she makes me feel safe." Shinji began to smile and enjoy reminiscing aloud things he would never have voiced to anyone else. "I don't think she likes me very much. She's been a pilot for a much longer time than I have, I hope that I don't disappoint her, and everyone. I don't want to go -- it hurts so much, but she will. I remember the first time I saw her, the first time I went out in EVA, and I wouldn't be able to bear it if she ended up like that again because I did go tonight. I hope I can add more to this diary another time."
   Shinji stopped, thinking to himself. I've said this much, but I feel fine and am breathing without problems. It must be that she doesn't realize I'm Shinji, but that I'm just somebody else reading his diary.
   Ayanami looked up slightly (her head had dipped slightly in thought), and asked politely, "Go on." She clasped her hands gently together and brought them to her lips.
   "Ah!" Shinji was shaken out of his thought, and hastily flipped a few pages of the empty book before him. He also noticed that Rei's eyes seemed red -- that is, puffy. "Okay...
   "May 23rd, 2016, warm but dark day. I went with Toji to Ayanami's apartment to drop off her homework assignments. I cleaned her room for her while she was gone. Toji told me not to touch a girl's things, but when Ayanami came in, she looked so surprised. It was the second time I felt that she might have been happy. I felt so relaxed when she thanked me. Toji laughed at me about it.
   "September 7th, 2016, I'm giving Ayanami a haircut today. It's growing long, and since she doesn't attend to it, it is becoming unmanageable. I didn't really volunteer for this task, but I was already nominated to take her to the barber shop. I didn't think I could do it.
   "As I cut her hair, she tilted her head back more and more, looking up towards the sky. I think she was trying to see what I was doing, and I wondered if she's ever had her hair cut before. Maybe this was a new experience for her. She tilted her head higher and higher -- and I couldn't bring up the courage to tell her to sit still -- until I was looking directly into her eyes. I was so close to her, and she smelled so nice. I even thought about telling her how funny she looked..."
   By now, Shinji was staring off towards the side into the distance as he spoke. He stopped to smile happily and flipped a page before he bgan again. He did not notice the change in Ayanami's expression as he continued.
   "Misato-san ... Misato-san says I am becoming more attached to Ayanami." Shinji stopped for a second, blinking once or twice before he went on. "I think I am, too. It is because I always think of her that evening, she looked so beautiful, glowing in the midst of the fireflies. She looked so beautiful..."
   "Stop!" Ayanami told him. It was more of a hiss, or possibly a whimper, the way she said it. Shinji found himself at a loss for words, not knowing what to do. Ayanami was ... in tears. "I'm sorry," she sniffed firmly, slowly regaining her composure. "Please, throw it away." She stood up to leave.
   "What?" Shinji stood up as well. "But there's so much of him in here!" Shinji had not realized what an opportunity this was for him to detail his feelings to her until just this moment, even as he broke out of his reverie. And now he was going to lose this opportunity... "Don't you care about memories?" he questioned.
   Rei stopped next to him and stared. He could not help but look straight into those glass eyes, the eyes which had been so full of spirit a second ago. "No," she answered. "I do not." With that, she brought her gaze away, and slowly left. This time, Shinji did not offer to walk her home, as he had hoped to.

Shinji began to wander as soon as he had finally exited the doors. Eventually, he found himself near Shinji Ikari's gravesite. He did not use the stairway that led up the hill. This was Shinji Ikari's way. The boy who's life he would never get to live. This path and its memories were the best he could ever manage now.
   When he reached the site, however, his feelings had swum from sadness to regret to frustration that it had nowhere else to go but anger. He was furious at the site of his own tombstone. A part of him wished he were truly dead, that his body lay there, buried in peace. Another part of him wished that he could break this grave and make as if it never existed, since, in essence, it never had. What did this mean, Kaoru or God or whoever did this putting him back here? Shinji wished he knew, because any goals he had in mind when he chose to come back -- he was not even sure what that meant anymore -- were shattered and hopeless now. Most of all, Shinji wished that he had never died -- why couldn't it have just worked out? Why? Kaoru had said something about a sense of humor...
   "Is this funny?" Shinji shouted at the night sky. "Fine!" Shinji ripped a patch of grass from the ground and flung it at the sky. He kept doing this, reaching down to desecrate his own grave and leaping up to toss pieces of its resting place until he became dizzy. His words became dizzier as well, until there was nothing but, "I want to die. I want to die! I want to die! I want to die! I want to die!"
   In the midst of his twirling madness, he flew into someone, and fell to the ground, his mind finally losing its sense of physical balance. After a moment of shaking his head, he stood up to apologize to whoever he had run into. It was Toji, looking with sorrowful eyes at the pitiful sight before him.
   "I'm sorry," Shinji cried as he crumpled, his arms hanging on to the boy's shoulders and he dropped to the floor in resignation. Toji, for his part, only looked at him with a mixture of curiosity and sympathetic disgust.

He felt so close, Rei thought to herself as tears fell from her chin into her lap. She sat on her roof, and leaned against the railing. She curled herself inwards, and was half-whispering between her knees. Ikari-kun... She let out a breath. I liked being with him. Of course I did. It was so clear. Why did I not say so?. It was so clear... She tightened her eyes in order to push back the memories that were threatening to return to her. Those beautiful memories which had become so wicked as of late. Why didn't I tell him?
   She rubbed her tears away, and buried her face into her arms. She could whisper no more as she had to control her breathing before she began to choke on the cries longing to be released. Tonight, she had no hopes as to whether or not the moon was up.
   What good are memories?

"You're often sorry, huh?" Toji asked, opening the door to his home, a thoroughly glum Shinji plodding behind wearily. "Have a seat," the host offered, tipping his head to point as he himself headed towards the kitchen.
   Shinji obediently fell into the chair, sureying the room half-consciously. It was the same as it had been the last time Toji invited him here. His eye caught a framed photograph of Toji's younger sister. She was struggling to smile, but it was probably a very heart-warming image for the family. Shinji took the picture from the stand it rested upon and stared at it. The girl's face tried to smile back -- her undamaged, pale porcelain face -- so that is how she looked before Shinji came here and nearly killed her by accident, before he existed. Toji.appeared from the kitchen carrying a mountain of food, just like last time, anouncing that it was time to eat. Toji smiled a sad friendly smile, and then dove in. Shinji watched with mild surprise for a moment, and the followed suit.
   Shinji found that he was in a considerably better frame of mind after eating. He breathed out with satisfaction. He still felt emotionally crushed, but now the feeling had become muddled, and now, he felt that he could think clearly again.
   "You want to die?" Toji asked, holding back the urge to bring his hand to his shoulder as he spoke.
   Shinji shook his head, staring at the floor. "No." Toji smiled, almost grinned, and then leaned back into the couch.
   "What was your younger sister like?" Shinji finally asked. It was a question he could never speak aloud when Shinji still lived.
   "Ah, she was a tomboy, really." It was obvious that Toji was not the least bit embarrassed or ashamed of that fact. He was probably proud of it, actually. "Never did any girl stuff. Quiet kid. Never cried. She was little, but she was pretty tough..." Toji slowly brought his eyes to bear on Noriyasu as he spoke. Seta was starely very intently at the picture.
   "A lot like Ayanami," Shinji mused aloud.
   "Exactly like Aya-" Toji nearly choked as he broke off. He had been speaking in such a matter-of-fact tone that he had lost track of the current situation. Quickly regaining equanimity, the young man resisted the urge to reach for his crutch and stand, and instead focused all his energy towards staring -- or glaring -- at the boy sitting in front of him. "Alot like Ayanami..." Toji's eyes narrowed at this Seta Noriyasu in front of him. He gave the guy a one over. Seta responded by looking at himself, too.
   Shinji, for his part, just looked back intently, trying to nod but failing to do so out of a combination of fear and anticipation. Things began to reach and click in Toji's mind as his guest just kept staring back in return.
   "When do you leave?" Toji finally asked. Shinji looked back with question in his expression. Toji gave him the look he himself had just been receiving. "For home?"
   "Two days," Shinji replied. A little before Christmas day.
   "You ... ever coming back?" Toji almost hesitated to ask.
   Shinji nodded, frowning. "No."
   "Two days, huh," Toji mumbled softly. He leaned back into the couch, relaxing. "Si'down." Shinji did so.
   "If you're just visiting," Toji began, lowering his voice as he spoke. "You shouldn't mess things up before ya' leave, ya' know?" His native accent was beginning to slip into his speech.
   "I know," Seta replied with the tone of regret. "I just wanted to see her again, and make sure she's okay."
   "Well now ya' know she is," Toji said, speaking in a very low voice now, leaning forward so that his guest could hear. "So don't bother it. No use trying to take what ain't yours."

   He's right. If Ayanami knew Shinji was alive, and had to leave a second time ... it would only hurt her again. I've been selfish.

   "I know that now," Shinji nodded, shutting his eyes briefly. His hand swept against the side of his jacket, and a small thought came to him. He took out a roll of bills and offered them to Toji.
   "What's that?" Toji asked.
   "Payment. For the dinner. And you've got a girl to look after now, don't you?" Shinji smiled. Affection could conquer everything, after all. Through disabling injuries, over the death of a loved one, towards the foolishness of a foreigner meddling in affairs that were not his.
   Toji was already looking away as he brushed the offer aside. He did his best to hide his smile. It was the same one he had hidden when Shinji came back from visiting his sister for him that day so long back.
   Shinji persisted. "I can't take this with me where I'm going. No use for it, you know."
   Suzuhara looked at Seta's grim smile, and returned it as he gingerly accepted his gift. "Fine," he finally consented, examining the money with calm eyes. Toji could not stop smiling his sad smile. "Need anything where you're going?" he asked, staring at the table as he spoke.
   Seat smiled his sad smile, and shook his head.
   "Then," Shinji stood up and lay a hand on his best friend's shoulder. "I'll be going." Toji avoided watching him leave, and instead listened as the doors slid open, and he stepped outside.
   "Hey Boss!" Toji called, getting out of his seat. Shinji, already a foot outside the door, turned slightly. Toji stared at the picture of his sister in thought, laying his hand on it with care. "If you see my sister," he said, "take care of her for me, will you?"
   Shinji nodded gently, "Sure", and went on his way.
   "You owe me!" Toji shouted. Shinji kept moving and resisted the urge to look back. "You hear?" Toji's dying voice continued. "You owe me!"
   Finally, after he had shut the door, Toji sat back down in his seat, and looked at the photograph once more. "You owe her," Toji mumbled.

...

Author's note: Again, many references to the manga version of Neon Genesis Evangelion here. Even if you live in the United States, you should be updated as long as you've kept up with recent issues of the manga. Chances are, if you didn't get a good bunch of the stuff dealing with Toji, you aren't updated.