Open my eyes. Right. That’s it, focus. The world is blurry. My head is throbbing. This might actually qualify as the worst headache I’ve ever had in my life. Which is tough, because I’ve had some really bad ones when my empathy gets out of control. Why am I thinking about my head? As long as it’s still attached to my body, I shouldn’t worry about it. Focusing. Or at least attempting to focus. The world is too bright; it hurts my eyes. Sunlight. It’s streaming in from a window. I can see the dust particles dancing in the beam. Where am I?

My scars are burning. They don’t do that very often. The last time I can recall it happening was the last time I saw Muraki. They do it sometimes when he’s around. Tsuzuki said he believed I could beat him someday. I don’t think it’s going to be today.

I can feel him in the room. There’s no mistaking his presence. But if I can feel him, that means that Akimiya is gone. My empathy is definitely operating at full strength, and cheerfully contributing to my headache. So where is Akimiya? He wouldn’t have just gone off somewhere. And where am I? I’m strapped down to a lab bed. I think there must be a pretty strong spell on the straps, because I can’t get free no matter how hard I try. Just like in Tsuzuki’s dream. Don’t think about Tsuzuki. Don’t think about never telling Tsuzuki how you feel. Don’t think at all.

Why do my scars hurt so much? Scars . . . the doll. Right. The doll was cursed. Just like Muraki to do something like that. But what happened after I passed out? And where is Muraki, anyway? I can feel him, but I can’t see him.

I shouldn’t have wondered. Ask and ye shall receive. He comes out from behind me, where he was apparently lurking in a corner. Lurking is something he does very well. Fortunately, his bad eye is hidden behind a curtain of hair.

We look at each other for a second.

Then Muraki lets out a low chuckle. “I’ve missed you.” Then he reaches out and runs a hand down my cheek. A caress. I can’t hold back the shudder.

Words. Think of something to say. I’ve always taken refuge in sharp words. Keeping everyone at bay, even those who care about me. Funny that they’re failing me now. “What have you done to me?” Ah, excellent start. Let him see how confused I am.

“Not much . . . yet.” He’s still touching me, his fingers playing with my hair and tracing my cheekbones. I flinch backwards, away, but only succeed in pressing myself against the bed. “You just woke up, after all . . . there’s only so much I can do with an unconscious person.”

“That didn’t stop you when it was Tsuzuki,” I snap. Why did I bring Tsuzuki up? I’m trying not to think about Tsuzuki.

Muraki chuckles again. “I think Tsuzuki-san enjoyed himself more than you want to admit.”

I nearly choke on the tide of anger that rises to my throat. I know he’s just baiting me, and I should pay no attention. I also know that Tsuzuki didn’t enjoy himself. Looking into Tsuzuki’s nightmares was proof enough of that. “He hates you,” I manage to spit out.

Muraki’s eyes flicker with something unrecognizable. “Tsuzuki-san will never hate me,” he says calmly, “because I am the only one that understands him.”

“You just think so,” I grind out between clenched teeth. “But just because Tsuzuki has purple eyes doesn’t mean he’s not human.”

“Oh?” Muraki raises an eyebrow. He’s so elegant. I hate him even more. “What about the fact that he lived so long without aging?”

“I don’t know what that means,” I admit, “but you can’t convince me that Tsuzuki is like you. Maybe he isn’t normal, but he’s still a good person inside, and you . . . you’re evil, you’re so evil that you make my skin crawl when you’re nearby. Tsuzuki is nothing like you.”

Muraki smiles, which is probably number one on the list of creepy things I’ve seen lately. “You seem to be defending him quite vehemently.”

There’s nothing I can say to that.

“Have the two of you come to a little . . . understanding?” Muraki asks. I wish he would stop touching me. Or if he has to, at least keep it to my face and leave the buttons on my shirt alone.

I manage to meet his gaze evenly. “Tsuzuki and I are friends. Nothing less, nothing more.”

Muraki just looks back. “I saw the way you were looking at him last time, you know. Don’t think I didn’t notice. Your feelings for him are no more pure than mine.”

“That’s not true.” My voice is still steady, but it won’t be long now before it starts to tremble.

Muraki laughs. “Don’t get so high and mighty with me. You want him just as much as I do.”

“It’s not like that.” I manage to choke out words, but it’s a struggle. My throat is closing up.

“Tsuzuki-san doesn’t want someone like you, you know,” Muraki says, still playing with the buttons on my shirt. “Even if you did manage to convince him that he loves you – and perhaps he even does, to some limited extent – you wouldn’t last very long. Tsuzuki-san doubts too much. He would doubt that you loved him, and even more he would doubt that he deserves you. Tsuzuki-san has hated himself too long to ever believe otherwise.”

I can’t speak.

“I’m the only one he would ever be content with,” Muraki continues. “It’s just the way he is. He wants to be hurt, to be degraded, to be humiliated. That’s what he thinks he deserves. I can provide that for him . . . and you can’t. Tsuzuki-san wants to be miserable, and you want him to be happy. A relationship like that is doomed from the start.”

I open my mouth. I’ll tell him how wrong he is, how Tsuzuki and I will be just fine, how Tsuzuki hates him with every fiber in his being. But all the words just catch in my throat. I can barely draw in air. Because in a way, I know he’s right. Tsuzuki didn’t have to let Muraki hurt him like that in Kyoto.

But he did.

Because that was what he believed he deserved.

“I’m sure he’ll be here soon enough,” Muraki says, sounding amused. “He always comes swooping in to rescue you. It’s his arrival that I’m really looking forward to. Do you want him to come for you? Or are you hoping he doesn’t, so he won’t see me? You needn’t bother worrying about it. He’ll come; we both know he will. But in the meantime . . . I’ll content myself playing with you.”

I close my eyes.

Try to close my mind.

And pray for Tsuzuki to come quickly, while also praying for him to not come at all.

~~~~~

Hurt. I hurt. Where am I? I can’t remember. My scars are burning. Why are my scars burning? I smell blood. I feel blood. I think it’s dripping down my face. I’m bleeding. Why am I bleeding? I don’t remember. I just hurt. Where’s Tsuzuki? I’d really like Tsuzuki to be here right about now. But I don’t know where I am.

Cold, too. Very cold. There’s something digging into my arm. I want it to go away. But I can’t move. Why can’t I move? I don’t like this. I don’t like this and I can feel panic rising in my throat and I don’t usually panic but I’m definitely panicking now and --

Eyes open.

All I can see is the ceiling. Rafters above me. Dust is drifting down from them. I can see cobwebs in the corners. The ceiling isn’t telling me where I am. So where am I? And why am I so cold? And why do I hurt?

Surveying self. No clothes. That would account for being cold. No sheet, either. I don’t sleep naked. I don’t like being naked; I feel unprotected. And usually I don’t sleep with my arms tied down, either . . .

What the hell?!

Oh God. Oh God I know where I am now. I remember. I remember Muraki and I think I’m crying but why hasn’t Tsuzuki come? I don’t want Tsuzuki to come because I don’t want Muraki to find him but I want Tsuzuki to come because I’m scared, I’m scared and Muraki hurt me and I know he’ll only hurt me again if Tsuzuki doesn’t come and I think if Muraki touches me again I’ll just lose my mind.

Except I think I’m already losing it because I can’t think straight, the world is starting to spin and I’m hyperventilating, I’m light-headed and I’m so scared, I thought Muraki didn’t scare me anymore but I was wrong and I want Tsuzuki I need him here and I can’t believe I never told him that I loved him because now I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance because Muraki’s just going to kill me and

He’s back.

He looks impeccable as always, straightening his tie a little as he walks into the room. Hatred boils up inside me, so strong that I can barely breathe, and my scars throb, taking my breath away. But at least my mind feels a little clearer.

Muraki looks at me for a long second.

“He’s not here yet,” he finally says.

I don’t trust myself to answer.

“He should have come by now.” Muraki doesn’t sound irritated, or even confused. He is merely stating a fact, which he apparently didn’t expect.

The tears that have been threatening spill over, running down my cheeks. I wish I could wipe them away, but my hands are still strapped to the bed.

Muraki smirks, stepping forward and brushing the tears off my cheeks. “You’re nearly as pretty as him, you know . . . you would never do for long-term, but you’re so much fun to play with.”

I’m shivering. My whole body is shivering, and my skin is crawling. He’s so twisted than when he touches me, he leaks in through my skin and makes my stomach churn. I think I may be sick. Thinking about what he did . . . what he’s going to do again if Tsuzuki doesn’t come . . .

Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.

His hands . . . he’s . . .

I can’t do this anymore . . .

~~~~

oh God

hurts
please don’t hurt me

leave me alone I’m so scared please don’t touch me I’m scared I’m scared I didn’t want this again oh please God

Tsuzuki where are you I need you

you said you wouldn’t let him hurt me like this anymore you said we’d be okay you said I wouldn’t be hurt any more you said you said you said

you never said you loved me




 

Tsuzuki I love you

I love you


 

where are you?

oh God no he’s

he’s





 

someone please help me I don’t care who anymore but there has to be someone I’m going crazy I think I’m really going crazy and he’s I can’t think about what he’s doing but it hurts and I thought I wouldn’t have to go through this again and Tsuzuki where are you where are you WHERE ARE YOU I NEED YOU

~~~~

“He isn’t here yet.”

please don’t touch me please don’t touch me please don’t touch me

“Why isn’t he here yet?”

I don’t know please don’t hurt me I don’t know honestly I don’t

“What could possibly make him want to abandon his dear partner?”

please don’t talk about him like that he’s coming I know he’ll come for me there just must be some reason that he hasn’t come yet but I know he’ll come if I can wait long enough

“He had best be here soon.”

oh please I know what you’ll do if he isn’t here and I’m scared and I don’t want you to touch me anymore

“Until then . . .”

oh God

someone is screaming

oh wait

 

it’s me.

~~~~~

It’s very quiet.

He hasn’t come for hours now. It’s been so long that I can even think straight again. It won’t last. I’m going crazy. I know I am.

I can feel his presence now. He’s close. My empathy has gone crazy. I can’t stop projecting. I’m too scared and too tired. My shields are just unraveling.

“Tell me, boy,” he says casually, stepping up beside me. “Why isn’t he here yet?”

I manage scrape myself together enough to speak. My voice is hoarse from all the screaming. “I don’t know.”

“There must be a reason.” Muraki is, as always, calm, collected, and reasonable. I hate him. “The last time I checked, you two were quite close. Did you have an argument?”

Funny how those words send a shock right through my body.

Muraki sees the look on my face. “You did.”

“W-We didn’t really.”

“What happened?”

Hell if I’m going to tell him what happened between Tsuzuki and I. I don’t care what he does to me; that’s not something I care to divulge.

He gives me a long look. “You don’t feel like discussing it? That’s . . . unfortunate. I suppose we could find more entertaining ways of spending our time.”

I have to take a few deep breaths before I can gather myself after that statement.

“Still, I can’t imagine a simple argument would prevent him from coming to get you . . . or, if he didn’t feel up to facing me, I’d think that uptight shadow master would be here by now.” Muraki starts to pace the room, then faces me with a smirk. “It must have been quite an argument.”

But Akimiya wasn’t mad at me. No one was mad at me, really. Maybe Tsuzuki wouldn’t want to come because I’m in love with him and I scared him, but Akimiya should have gotten somebody --

“So what happened between yourself and my dear Tsuzuki-san?”

“Nothing.” I have to grind the word out between clenched teeth.

Muraki raises an eyebrow. “If you’re no longer suitable bait, you should tell me . . . I may even be inclined to let you go.”

“That’s likely,” I snap.

“You have no idea how likely it is until you tell me.”

I fix my eyes on the ceiling. “The discussion Tsuzuki and I had should have no bearing on whether or not someone will come to get me.”

“Your eyes say differently.” Muraki smiles. “I have you worried, don’t I. You think that Tsuzuki-san has abandoned you.”

“I do not!” That was a mistake. I shouldn’t have yelled. He knows he’s bothered me now.

Muraki just raises an eyebrow at me.

“It has nothing to do with it!” I’m still yelling. I really need to quit yelling. “He’ll come, I know he will! He wouldn’t just . . . leave me . . .” Oh God, the last thing I need now is to start crying. I force the tears back. But I’m starting to shiver.

“You’re only trying to convince yourself, and you know it,” Muraki says.

Shut up. Shut up shut up SHUT UP.

I try to stay calm. Force myself to be logical. Tsuzuki and I agreed that Akimiya was wrong and that was it. I never let him see that I was depressed or thought otherwise or was in love with him. Akimiya is the only one who knew all that.

Where the hell is Akimiya?

“No, you’re wrong,” I said coldly. “I disagreed with something Tsuzuki said, true, but I neither told him I disagreed nor let it affect the way I was acting. It shouldn’t have any bearing on the current situation whatsoever.”

I sound so calm. Amazing when my mind feels so shaky.

“But he hasn’t come.”

Four words. That’s all. I look away. Seconds tick by.

“I don’t think he’s coming.”

Silence.

Muraki smiles at me. “You know, after what Tsuzuki-san did in Kyoto, I became very curious about the nature of Touda’s fire. The killing quality it has is really quite magnificent.”

I don’t like this.

“To be able to kill even a Shinigami is quite impressive. So I took it upon myself to find out exactly what it was about Touda’s fire that makes it so lethal. After that, it was fairly easy to learn a spell to replicate it.”

I really don’t like this.

“Unfortunately, I haven’t had a chance to test the spell yet.”

Oh God.

“What do you think?” Muraki asks. “If I set you on fire, will Tsuzuki-san come for you then?”

I think my brain has frozen.

“Or will he let you burn?”

I’m going to die.

“Should we find out?”

I’m going to die just like Tsuzuki nearly did.

Muraki snaps his fingers.

I’m going to die because Tsuzuki doesn’t care enough to come save me.

The flames leap up in a circle around me and start towards me with surprising speed. I can dimly see Muraki’s face through them. I’m going to be killed twice by the same man. I can’t . . . I can’t let him . . .

I pull at the straps but they don’t even budge. I can feel the flames licking away at the bed now. In a second they’ll reach me. Just a second. Just a --

oh God I don’t think anything has ever hurt so much everything inside me is shutting down and I’m burning and I can’t think anymore

except that

Tsuzuki wherever you are

I love you so much

someone is screaming again

but this time it isn’t me.