“Hisoka. Hisoka, wake up. Breathe. Hisoka, you’re not breathing.”

voice . . .

“Hisoka, please. Open your eyes. Breathe. You need to breathe.”

so familiar . . .

“Why isn’t he breathing?”

you don’t need to breathe when you’re dead . . .

“Tatsumi-san, get some cold water.”

cold . . . very cold . . . so distant, fuzzy . . . voices coming through about a mile of empty air . . . can’t quite hear right . . .

oh, right, I’m dead . . .

COLD!

I’m wrenching out of someone’s arms and I’m gasping for breath. Why am I gasping for breath? Dead people don’t breathe. My face is cold. Someone threw cold water in my face. Where am I? What happened?

Arms around me, steadying me. The voice again. “That’s it, take deep breaths. Don’t rush it. Slowly.”

I take a deep breath, trying to keep myself steady and opening my eyes. “C-Cold,” I manage to stammer. Dead people can’t talk. Am I dead or not?

“You went into shock. We’re not quite sure what happened yet. More deep breaths.”

I obey instinctively. My breathing is starting to even out now. My shaking is getting worse, though. But I recognize the voice and face. It’s Akimiya. Where’s Tsuzuki? I want Tsuzuki. He’s here, though. I heard his voice. He asked why I wasn’t breathing.

“Tsuzuki!”

“Shh, I’m right here.” He’s the one holding me. That’s why I can’t see him. His arms are around my waist.

“Tsuzuki, I thought you weren’t going to come . . .” I hide my face in his shoulder. I’m shaking so hard that it’s all I can do to cling to him.

Blankets. Someone is wrapping blankets around me. Watari. Everyone is here. Where am I?

I finally look around and take stock in my surroundings. I’m sitting on one of the beds in the infirmary. Tsuzuki is sitting behind me, holding me steady. Akimiya is in the chair next to the bed, looking tired. Tatsumi-san and Watari are both hovering. I’m so confused.

“How . . .?”

“Shhh. Don’t try to talk quite yet,” Tsuzuki advises.

Watari hands me a mug. “Drink this.”

I drink it without question. It’s tea, and it’s so hot that it nearly burns my tongue. I don’t mind. It warms me up from the inside. My shaking finally starts to relax a little. Then I suddenly remember everything that had happened. “Muraki -- ”

“Just calm down,” Tsuzuki says firmly, holding onto me tightly as I try to escape from his arms.

“But Muraki is -- ”

“Muraki isn’t here,” Tsuzuki says. “You’re safe now. It’s okay.”

I slump backwards into his arms. “What happened?”

The others look around at each other. Apparently Akimiya is elected to explain, because he leans forward a little in his chair. “What happened is, you went into that room at the end of the hall. I heard you screaming and ran inside. I found you in there, unconscious, and brought you back here.”

What?

“You’ve been unconscious for three days now.”

“But Muraki was -- ”

“Let me finish.” Akimiya holds up a hand to ward off my protests. “You were put under some sort of curse. When you fell unconscious, you got trapped inside a nightmare of your own creation.”

“But -- ”

“Apparently, Muraki returning and capturing you is your worst nightmare, and given what I’ve heard about him, I’m inclined to agree.” Akimiya just talks right over me.

“How did I get here?” I ask, looking around.

“I brought you here while you were unconscious, remember?” Akimiya says. “I finally managed to wake you up when you died in the dream. I couldn’t get in before that.”

I blink at him. “Why not?”

“Because of the dampening field effect.” For the first time, Akimiya looks frustrated. “When I’m near you, it shuts your empathy off. But if you’re in a position where it’s stronger than I am -- which it was because your pain and fear were fueling it -- then the result is that I just can’t get near you. So while I was able to sit with you here, I couldn’t get near you in the dream because of it. When you ‘died’, so to speak, it shut off long enough for me to get to you and yank you out.”

My head is swimming. “But Muraki, he was right there, he . . . I know he was here . . .”

“It was a dream,” Akimiya says, trying to sound soothing. “It was just a nightmare that seemed very real because you couldn’t wake up.”

I stare at him.

“Muraki was never here.”

“But the doll!”

Akimiya blinks. “What doll?”

“The doll, in the room, the room at the end of the hall, that’s how I got cursed, it had the marks on it.”

Akimiya shakes his head. “The curse must have already taken hold by then. There was no doll when I got there, and that was just after you collapsed.”

“But . . . the doll was Muraki’s, and . . .”

Akimiya reaches out and gives me a little shake. “Muraki wasn’t here, remember?”

“Oh yes,” I say. My voice sounds very distant. “That’s right. All a dream. It was all a dream.” My voice cracks on every third word. I’m shaking like mad. And I think now I’m breathing too fast.

“Hisoka, you okay?” Tsuzuki asks.

“Oh, sure,” I say. “Just fine.” I take in little gasping breaths. The world is going gray and fuzzy. Pretty. Not as pretty as Tsuzuki.

DAMN!

“What the hell did you hit me for?” I demand of Akimiya, putting a hand to my stinging cheek.

“You were hyperventilating and approaching hysteria,” Akimiya says matter-of-factly. “And I didn’t have another glass of cold water handy.”

“I didn’t notice,” I say vaguely. “You’re sure that it really wasn’t Muraki?”

“Well, we don’t know who cursed the room,” Akimiya says. “But Muraki was never here. He never laid a finger on you.”

I nod slightly. Try to speak and can’t.

Akimiya rests a hand on my shoulder for an instant. “It’s over now, Hisoka. You’re okay.”

I manage another nod.

Tatsumi-san looks at Watari. “We should go let Kachou-san know that he’s okay,” he says.

Watari nods and the two of them leave the room.

Akimiya stands up and stretches. “You want more tea, Hisoka? You should eat something, too.”

I nod. I don’t feel very hungry, but I know I should eat.

Akimiya leaves the room.

Tsuzuki’s arms tighten around me. “I was so worried about you,” he murmurs right into my ear.

That, more than anything, makes me feel warm again. “Thank you.” I nestle closer to him. I feel rather childish, but I don’t care; it’s so nice to be in his arms again. “I . . . I thought you weren’t coming . . .”

“Why did you think that? Just because of what Akimiya said?”

I nod. “I thought . . . I don’t know what I thought . . .” I have to tell him, I have to tell him now before I lose my nerve, because I realized that I don’t want to put it off any longer. If I keep putting it off, I may never get the chance. “Tsuzuki . . . I-I . . . I’m . . .” Spit it out. Deep breath. “I’m in love with you.”

His whole body tenses next to me.

“I’m sorry,” I say miserably. “I know you don’t want me. Not like that. But I couldn’t stand the thought of never telling you.”

He relaxes a little. His shields are up very strongly, but I think I’m glad of that; I don’t need to be feeling his emotions right now. I’m having enough trouble sorting out my own. “It’s okay,” he says. “I don’t mind.”

“Are you sure?” I pull away a little to face him. “I mean, I know it could get sort of awkward, but . . .”

“Shh,” he whispers. He looks at me for a second, then away. “Hisoka . . . I don’t really know how I feel about you. I just know that you’re very special to me, and I don’t want to lose you. And if that’s enough for you . . . I like being with you.”

“It’s enough . . .” That’s about all I can manage.

He leans forward a little and his lips just barely brush over mine. Forget warm, now I’m burning all over, from my toes up to my hair.

And Akimiya walks in.

He doesn’t voice any surprise at seeing us in what could technically be a compromising position. But he doesn’t leave, either. He just walks over and puts the tray of food on my lap.

I’m blushing fiercely, so I turn away and start eating. As soon as the first bite passes my lips, I realize that I’m starving and start to shovel the food in my mouth. By the time I’m done eating again, I’m ready for some real sleep.

I curl up against Tsuzuki’s chest, hoping he doesn’t go anywhere, and close my eyes.

There’s a long period of silence.

Tsuzuki shifts a little. “I think he’s asleep.”

“Yeah,” Akimiya agrees.

“You . . .” Tsuzuki sounds terribly hesitant. “You won’t tell any of the others, will you?”

I try not to flinch.

Akimiya is silent a long minute. “Why do you care if they know you were kissing Hisoka?”

“Because . . . well . . .”

“They won’t care, you know. They’ll be happy for you.”

“I’m just not ready for that . . .” Tsuzuki says softly.

“Then why did you kiss him?” Akimiya asks, just as softly.

“Because . . . that was what he wanted . . .”

Akimiya heaves a sigh. “Don’t do that to him, Tsuzuki. He doesn’t want you to kiss him because he wants you to. He wants you to kiss him because you want to. And it would be unfair for you to give him anything otherwise.”

“I’m sorry,” Tsuzuki says.

“You don’t need to be sorry,” Akimiya replies. “You just need to figure out where your heart really is.”

Silence.

Akimiya yawns. “Anyway, I need a nap. Wake me if you need me. And when he falls asleep, you should probably move so he doesn’t have your nightmares again.”

When he . . .

Akimiya knew I was awake.

Tsuzuki doesn’t seem to catch the statement, though. He just hugs me a little tighter and stays silent as I listen to Akimiya’s footsteps as he leaves the room.

“Where my heart is,” Tsuzuki says quietly to nobody.

And then I fall asleep.

~~~~~

When I wake up again, I feel completely fine, except for the fact that my scars still ache. It’s annoying and I don’t know what might have caused it; perhaps some interaction between the two curses. Tsuzuki is sound asleep with his arms still wrapped around my waist, which confuses me. Not only should I have gotten sucked into his dreams if we slept like this, but his movements would have woken me anyway. It’s hardly believable that he didn’t have any nightmares.

Then I see Akimiya asleep in the chair next to the bed, and I understand. He must have stayed and held off our nightmares. I’ll have to remember to thank him later. Right now, however, I have no desire to wake him.

I crawl out of bed. I’m hungry and thirsty and stiff from being in bed so long. “Watari?”

Watari pokes his head in from where he’s been puttering. “How are you feeling?” he asks.

“Better. Am I all right to get out of bed?” I really don’t want to lie around any longer, but I don’t want to wander off if I’m not fully recovered.

He gives me a quick look. “You should be. I mean, Akimiya said that when he woke you up, that should have broken the curse. But if you have any problems at all, I want you right back in here, ‘kay?”

I nod.

“And make sure you eat breakfast!” he lectures. “There are donuts and coffee in the main office last time I checked.”

I wave him off. “Hai, hai . . . don’t wake the other two, okay? They look exhausted.”

“I won’t,” he promises.

I leave in search of breakfast. No sooner have I found a donut and cup of hot tea, does Konoe-kachou ask to speak to me. After I give him a full summary of what happened -- most of which he knew already from Akimiya, but I suppose a second opinion is never a bad thing -- he lets me go.

“Hisokaaaaa! You got up without me!!” Tsuzuki bounds into the office.

I give him a look that I know is coming off as patient affection. Damn it. “You were tired,” I say. “I’ve been sleeping a lot; you probably haven’t been sleeping at all. I didn’t want to wake you.”

I’m not sure if Tsuzuki heard a word of that, though, because he’s spotted the chocolate-frosted donut I’m holding.

“There are more over there,” I say, motioning with my cup of tea. “I’m hungry; you can’t have this one.”

He bounces over. When he’s returned, he’s gone completely serious. It always startles me when he shifts mood so abruptly like that, no matter how many times I see him do it. “Ne, Hisoka . . .”

“What?” I finish my donut and feel pleasantly full. It’s nice to have a small, low-maintainence stomach.

“Are you going to be going home tonight?”

I blink. I hadn’t really thought that far ahead. “Well, yeah. I suppose. Konoe-kachou said I wouldn’t have to go back to the mission for a few days, so they could be sure I was really all right. Why do you ask?”

Tsuzuki looks at the floor, turning slightly pink, then mumbles, “Can I stay over? Or will you come to my house?”

I’m still blinking. “Of course,” I say. “You know you don’t need to ask me for that.”

“I just thought -- after last night -- ” Tsuzuki stops abruptly.

I sigh. “Tsuzuki, what happened last night doesn’t matter. I’m still your friend, and I still want to be sure you’re okay. I don’t want to let anything come between us. Okay?”

He smiles, looking a little vulnerable. “Okay.” Then he grins again. “Sankyuu, Hisoka.”

I used to wonder why he always said that in English, but I’ve stopped wondering by now. It’s just one of the many things that makes him Tsuzuki.

~~~~

We decide to go to my house, because it’s a one-floor apartment and therefore if I have a nightmare I won’t have to climb a flight of stairs to reach Tsuzuki’s comfort. He flops down on my couch and is asleep in no time. I crawl into bed sometime later. I’m a little nervous about sleeping, but if Akimiya says that the curse is broken, I believe him. I have a little bit of a hard time getting to sleep because my scars still ache, but drift off eventually.

Though my nightmares don’t trap me this time, that certainly doesn’t stop me from having them. I wake up screaming; Tsuzuki is already sitting on the edge of my bed, trying to stop my flailing.

“It’s okay, I’m here . . .”

After the whole mess with the Muraki-who-wasn’t, I think it’s pretty fair to say that I’m in sorry shape. It takes me a long time to calm down again, huddled in Tsuzuki’s arms. For the first time in days -- maybe even weeks -- I feel safe again. Warm. Wanted.

“Feeling better?” Tsuzuki asks quietly.

“I . . . no . . .” Great. As usual, my expertise in linguistics leaps to the forefront. I hide my face in Tsuzuki’s shirt.

He hugs me a little tighter. “Just tell me what you want me to do, Hisoka,” he says softly. “Just let me know, and that’s what I’ll do.”

I look at my hands, wondering when they started clutching at Tsuzuki’s shirtsleeves. “I don’t know what I want,” I manage. “I want you to stay with me. I don’t want you to ever go away.” I start to say that I don’t care how he stays; if he’s a friend or more, but I realize that’s not true anymore.

I suppose it was only a matter of time before I wanted more than I could have. I never should have let myself start caring. It seems sort of like a downward spiral. The more you have, the more you need.

Tsuzuki is smiling a little; a thin, fragile smile. “I think I can manage that,” he says.

I need more than that.

I can’t tell him.

It’s an interesting dilemma, really. Is it better to stay with him, as his friend, always needing more? Or would it be better to take a chance and tell him what I need, and risk losing him completely?

All I know is that I can’t get by without him.

“But . . .” Tsuzuki speaks up again suddenly. “That’s not enough for you, is it.”

I look away. I don’t want to admit it, but he’s right. Somehow I fell in love, and the more I think about it, the more I hate myself for doing it. This is what I’ve become; reduced to a point where I need the sight of purple eyes to get me through a day.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I know you can’t give me that. Don’t worry about it.”

“Hisoka, I want you to be happy.” Tsuzuki looks confused. He leans forward, closing his eyes a little. “I really do.”

I know he’s going to kiss me again, and I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants it so badly that I can barely breathe, but I don’t want him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. I decide I should stop him, but before I can say anything, he’s already started kissing me. And it’s . . . nice. There’s really no better word for it. It makes me feel all tingly inside.

A part of me keeps whispering that I can’t be held responsible for Tsuzuki’s actions; if he wants to kiss me, then I should just shut up and enjoy it. But another part of me is horribly afraid that he’s forcing himself into something he doesn’t want for my sake. It’s always so hard to tell with Tsuzuki. I’ve never known what he truly wants, except for the small time surrounding Kyoto. And then he just wanted to die.

His lips leave mine, and there’s a few seconds of silence, of anticipation, of need, before he kisses me again. His hand comes up and brushes my cheek and it’s so perfect that I think I want to cry. I guess I hadn’t really realized how much I wanted this.

We break apart a minute later. I think this is the happiest I’ve ever been. And yet, oddly enough, I’m content . . . like this. I don’t want anything more. I think I would be happy to spend eternity just kissing and cuddling. I’ve never really seen much in sex. I doubt Tsuzuki has either.

“Can we just go to sleep?” I whisper. I think it may be my imagination, but it looks like there’s a hint of disappointment in Tsuzuki’s eyes. I hasten to reassure him. “I mean, not that I don’t . . .” Now I’m blushing. “Not that I don’t like kissing you, it’s just . . . I’m tired . . .”

“Sure,” Tsuzuki says. He lies down and motions for me to curl up with him.

I do so, knowing that it won’t last, because I can’t afford to fall asleep so close to him. Too many dreams. It’s just so nice to have him next to me, a warm and comforting presence. I nestle closer to him, so I can feel his breath against my ear.

And his lips against my ear . . .

I tense up a little; I can’t really help it. The past three days may have been dreams, but they still seem very real, and I can’t help but think of Muraki. I try to calm myself by remembering that Tsuzuki would never hurt me like that, but it isn’t working.

“Tsuzuki . . . I . . .”

“Shhh,” Tsuzuki says. The arm he has around my waist tugs on me a little, and I roll over onto my back. His lips brush over my cheek.

I’m too nervous for this. But . . . he’ll understand. Tsuzuki always understands. “Tsuzuki,” I say again, and am quickly distracted by his lips on my neck. That, more than anything, reminds me forcibly of Muraki, and I shudder involuntarily. “Tsuzuki, please don’t,” I manage. “I know you mean well, but . . .”

His lips are on mine again. It feels . . . strange. Whenever Muraki did something like this, it was a simple matter of revlusion and terror. But with Tsuzuki . . . it’s different. I’m frightened, my mind doesn’t want this, but a part of my body is insisting that it does. That this is good.

And . . . he’s . . . touching me. His hands are sliding up underneath my shirt. I don’t understand. It isn’t like Tsuzuki to do this. “Tsuzuki . . . don’t . . .”

I’m losing cohesiveness again. Like I did when Muraki had me in the dream. Thoughts can’t stay together. I’m scared, this isn’t like Tsuzuki, and I can’t really feel him because his shields are up too high. The little I can feel . . . doesn’t feel like him. It’s like being with a stranger and I’m scared, I know I’m panicking now because he won’t stop touching me and it’s like Muraki it’s like the dream it’s

another dream!

I flail around wildly for another minute, still panicking, then I remember that if I’m panicking, Akimiya can’t get to me. I close my eyes -- try to ignore Tsuzuki’s hands, which arre wandering more -- and center myself. Breathe slowly. Concentrate only on Akimiya, and on not projecting. I feel another spike of panic as Tsuzuki -- but it isn’t really Tsuzuki, is it?

Then -- it’s weird -- I feel someone’s hands grab the front of my shirt, and I’m given a sharp tug --

And I wake up.

I’m screaming. I can hear myself screaming. Thankfully, my empathy has now shut off completely. Someone gives me a rough shake and I stop screaming and gasp for breath.

I can feel arms around my waist. Probably Tsuzuki. I flinch away without thinking about it.

I open my eyes all the way to see Akimiya hovering. “Are you okay?” he asks. “I’m sorry, I fell asleep. I should’ve known better; I wasn’t sure if the curse was broken or not -- ”

I wave at him a little, and he stops. “Not your fault,” I manage to say. My voice is hoarse. “You have to sleep sometime.”

He nods a little, and what he said sinks further in. I’m in the hospital room again. Again? Or still? I can’t tell what was a dream and what was reality.

“But . . . what about the stuff . . . this morning?” I asked. “The donut, and talking to Konoe-kachou . . .?”

Akimiya shakes his head. “You fell asleep last night and you haven’t been out of bed. It’s morning now. I guess time passes differently in the dreams.”

I manage to nod a little. I glance over my shoulder to see Tsuzuki looking at me, wide-eyed. Try not to flinch away again. I don’t want him touching me, and I feel terrible about it. He doesn’t know what was in my dream. He doesn’t know why I’m suddenly afraid of him.

I turn around. “Akimiya -- please -- I don’t mean to be ungrateful, but -- ”

He manages a weary smile. “Yeah. It’s okay.” And he turns and leaves the room.

I turn to Tsuzuki. “Please . . . let your shields down for a minute . . . I need to be sure that it’s you, I’m . . .”

Tsuzuki looks puzzled, but obeys. Instantly a flood of concern and caring washes over me, and I practically wilt with relief. “Thank you,” I manage. “I’m okay now . . .”

He puts his shields back up, but the worry he’s feeling still leaks out a little. I don’t mind. It’s nice after . . . the Tsuzuki in the dream. He wraps his arms around me and I tense a little, then relax. This time I’m sure that he won’t hurt me.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Tsuzuki asks.

I shake my head, but before I can realize that I’m lying, the words are tumbling out. “God, I don’t know when I’m awake and when I’m dreaming, it’s awful . . . I was so scared when Muraki had me and then all of a sudden none of it was real and I thought I was okay, but this . . . this was awful, this was . . .” I’m losing a hold on my self-control here. I try to pull it together and can’t. Tsuzuki smooths my hair and hugs me tighter. I realize suddenly that I don’t even know if the conversation we had last night actually happened. “Tsuzuki . . . last night, when I talked to you . . . was it real?”

“It was real,” Tsuzuki says softly.

“Oh good.” I feel relief wash over me. “Because I don’t think I would have the courage to tell you again.”

“Were you that scared of what I would say?” Tsuzuki asks.

“Of course,” I reply. “Because . . . what if it scared you so much that you decided you didn’t want to be my friend anymore? I . . . I don’t think I could handle that.”

Tsuzuki’s arms tighten around me for a second. “I would never do that to you,” he said. “I’ll always be your friend, Hisoka. I don’t know if I can ever manage to be anything else . . . but I’ll never just abandon you.”

I lean against him, into his arms. “Thank you. For . . . being honest.”

Akimiya, showing the either excellent or terrible timing he seems to possess, walks in just then. He’s carrying some food with him. “You need to eat,” he says, setting the tray down in front of me. “Because I have to stay here with you, Watari-san is working on finding a cure for the curse. Okay?”

I nod and start eating. I trust Watari to find it; he’s never failed on something like this before. It’s really just a matter of time.

When I’m done, Akimiya puts the tray on a side table. Alarmingly, I find myself falling asleep again. “Why’m I so tired?” I asked.

Akimiya looks a little uncertain. “We think it’s the curse,” he says. “Since it only works when you’re asleep, it makes sense that it tries to keep you asleep as much of the time as possible.”

“Oh.” I yawn. “That would make sense.” I’m so drowsy that I’m finding it difficult to care. “But . . . you two will stay with me?”

He nods, and I can feel Tsuzuki moving behind me and assume he’s doing the same. So I fall asleep, wondering what the next dream will be.

~*~

Chapter Six                                                                                                             Email author.

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