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80 ~ Sun - 9*19*04 - 6:11pm ~ MIRROR REFLECTS
Song of the Day: Nickelback-Too Bad I'm not really sure what to say. It seems like my life is just a boring occurance. The days slip by so quickly now and it still seems like I am going no where faster than I was before. The pain still reflects in my eyes sometimes about the things that once where in my life. If the past was better than where I am now. I feel like I haven't moved from this spot. Like I'm stuck feeling the same and stuck feeling like there is no direction in anything I do. I wonder all the time if things were different with someone of the people I met, if I would be different. I don't know what I would have done with out the unintentional teachings of the people that have moved through my life. I might be lost even more today. I am so unpatience that it gets to me when I can't just be where I want to be 10 years from now. I look for that fast gratification. I need that. And it seems so useless to be focusing so much energy on somewhere I know I am going to be. It's strange to think sometimes about what everything means. And it's scarey. But then again, I'm not really sure what to say at all. |
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79 ~ Sun - 9*05*04 - 10:51pm ~ WELCOME TO HIGHSCHOOL, AGAIN!!
Song of the Day: I recently started school. How exciting my life has become now that I am both working and going to school. It's strange being in a college that makes me feel like I am in high school all over again. I see most of the people I did go to high school with and the classes are so small. At Rutgers the classes where well over 300 students. Now I'm stuck with people that are as stupid as they were in high school. I wanted to go to college to get away from all that shit. It serves me right though. I fucked up my first year of college so I guess it is my punishment that I have to endore as long as I have to until I get the grades I need. And I hate this place so much I am shooting for those perfect grades. I need to do something with my life and I already fucked up bad. This is my second opportunity to persue something I have dreamed all my life. I'm going to do it right this time. This is my future happiness. Maybe I don't have that right now but I know if I end up doing my dream then there can be nothing more that will make me happy. Everything else will just make it better because I am going to be famous. I am going to be doing computer animation for movies. I will be there. I rather throw away my excitements like hanging out with people doing nothing than end up having to throw that away later in life because I can't do shit with crap money I would make if I didn't finish college. I rather throw my excitements away and be able to make a lot of money and be able to have all those with people I will actually like. I know where I want to be. And no matter how many times I have cried and said I couldn't go on because of something else that happened in life, I am still going on. I have been treated like shit for most of my life. I couldn't go to school without worrying about what people where going to say about me this day. And even now I go to college and hope people aren't going to act like that to me again. But I can see it happening already. But this time I know I am not there for them. They just happened to be in my path and I don't have to acknowledge them. I don't have to give a fuck about them. But I am doing what I am doing because I want to tell everyone that ever thought of me less than a human FUCK YOU. I will be the bitch in the class that gets those perfects scores and destroys the curves. And I won't even say a word then. I will just smile and congradulate myself for a job well done. Fuck them. I will leave them in the dust. They aren't worth the worrying. I am worth more than all of them. |
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78 ~ Sat - 8*28*04 - 6:48pm ~ FUCKING FIGURES
Song of the Day: Pearl Jam-Black I don't see why I get so surprised anymore when shit like this happens. Why would I think that something good was actually happening to me. Maybe it's that fucking hope that everyone keeps talking about. Hope for what? To be disappointed in the end anyway? Yeah, gee, just what I fucking want. Maybe I want something good to happen to me for once. Is that so fucking much to ask for?! I mean come on. The first fucking guy that interests me since Matt actually seemed interested in me. But that was too good. Someone had to go and fucking slash my smile. He had to get back with his ex. That leaves me with nothing. NOTHING. Who cares if I fucked up being his friend too. He's been with that girl for five years. There is no way possible that anything will ever happen between us. I was just another girl to him. I wasn't anything. But of course I had to go make him something. I had to start thinking that I might actually start to be happy. There's no cure for my depression. No wonder I am still like this. Because my life is just a big fucking disappointment. I just want to be happy. |
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77 ~ Thurs - 8*26*04 - 12:40am ~
Song of the Day: Slipknot-Duality Last night I called up John and I mistakenly woke him up. Though I felt bad that I disturbed him, I was more relieved than anything. I really, honestly thought I fucked things up with him by what I said to him that night on the phone. I felt better when I picked up the phone at 8 to call him. He answered. That relieved me even more. I asked him if he wanted to come over and hang out and he agreed. : ) John left a little while ago and once again I am happier than ever. I apologized for being an asshole the other night, and he said that it was fine and that he didn't hate me. We just sat around my backyard and talked and played around. It was nice. He's an awesome guy. When he left today, I gave him a peck on the lips, and I was surprised when he didn't really kiss me. I asked him later why wouldn't he kiss me. And he told me the most amazing thing. He said that it wasn't the right moment. I was shocked and touched. He's a sweet guy. Of course he has his sex drive, but he can keep that under control. (Though he can't hide it too well, if you know what I mean) It's honestly nice though. I always wanted something like that with someone. Most of the people that I have gone out with, I ended up fucking the first time I met them and then just started going out from there. There was nothing built on that. John is really looking for a girl. He got out of a long relationship and it's nice to not just jump into the first nice thing that comes along. I like how he is a very determinded person, and knows what he has to do. He is the type I wanted. Someone that I can have fun with and can goof around with, but we can also have a conversation about anything. He's very intelligent and mature. And I think that was the next step for me. He has the same music taste and he has all those little things that I wanted in a guy plus the maturity that I craved after Matt. I wanted a more "grown up" Matt. And I really think that John has surpassed anything that Matt had. I don't hate anything about John. And this isn't the April we all know talking. Now that I have the oppurtunity to actually pursue someone that I am actually interested in, I am looking at them in a totally different way. And especailly how I got weird when he couldn't come over last time. I didn't like that and I knew that this was someone that I couldn't just be like I was with them. Everything I was doing with guys was wrong. I haven't slept with John yet. Just quick pets, but nothing more. Just that little flirty stuff. We are both interested, but we are both keeping are distance because this is the first person I have pursued since Matt. And I really think that something can defintiely come of this. The connection is there. And I smile everytime I think of him. |
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76 ~ Mon - 8*23*04 - 10:49am ~ SAME OLD BULLSHIT
Song of the Day: Metallica-Nothing Else Matters I don't know what to think lately. It's just the same old bullshit all over again. The other night I was talking to John and I wanted him to stop by and he couldn't. I was really disappointed and I think I became too honest with him. I believe that I should be honest about everything and I knew John felt the same way. I didn't think that me telling him the truth about what I felt was going to make him run away. I'm not saying he did, but I can't think of any other reason why he hasn't called me in the last two days. He ususally would call me back. But I think I freaked him out too much to have him even do that. I don't know though and the not knowing part is the part that is killing me. The same goes with Alan. I met him awhile ago and we became close and then he ended up telling his friend to tell me that he thought I was crazy and that he wanted me to leave him alone. Well, yesterday I went to the beach with Mellisa, the one that set Alan and I up. Alan came with us and some others. I was really weird at first because the last time I had anything to do with him, we didn't end on very good terms. After we were on the beach for awhile, I couldn't just not talk to him, so I went over to where he was, and started to talk. He didn't tell me to go away or anything. I told him that there was no hard feelings for what happened and I guess that made it alright. We ended up laughing and having fun together like we used to. Towards the end of the day, I ended up on his lap and he was holding on to me like he used to. I ended up driving home with him and we ended up having sex. I don't even know why I did it. I hardly trust him. I don't know, he might be doing the same thing to me as he did before, but this time, I am aware of it. He might not be, yet now that I have that fear in the back of my head, I can't let myself start feeling anything. I did enjoy when we were hanging out a lot and everything. But I just can't help not have any hope for anything anymore. Everytime I hope for something to happen, it never does. It seems the more I want something, the more everything doesn't seem to work out. I should just stop caring. It's so hard to just turn feelings off, and that has been my problem my entire life. I am a very emotional person. I can't just let my feelings sit inside of me. I don't think I even really understand my feelings until I have been able to express them. Hence the whole journal. I sometimes wish I just had someone that I could let everything out to. But I have no one like that that would really understand me. There was Matt that understood and helped me, but now he is in Florida and I haven't talked to him since. John knew everything I had been through. He knew what it was like to have everyone not like you and he knew what it felt like to be depressed. He would be able to help me so much to understand myself. And I think I don't need a boyfriend per say, I think I just need someone that I am very very close with that will be able to aid me in finding myself, or more correctly, helping me understand myself. I don't remember who told me this, but they were right. I should have a friend before I look for a boyfriend. I need a friend, not a boyfriend. I know why I hang out with guys all the time. They can relate to me more and give me more advice because guys are the ones I interact with the most. I need to learn how to do things and how to control things about myself that I feel I am flawed in. John made me see some of these things with only talking to him one night and I'm not sure if I crave his knowledge more or if I crave what we could have relationship wise. I think right now I want to connect with him on an intellictual level rather than emotional. |
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75 ~ Fri - 8*20*04 - 10:49am ~ A GLIMPSE OF SOMETHING MORE
Song of the Day: Last night was the most amazing night of my life. Let me start from the beginning. When I first started to work at Quiznos, there was this really cute guy that would come in all the time. I was definitely looking at him and I know he noticed. The next time he came in I got up enough courage to go up to him and tell him that I thought he was gorgeous. We talked for a little, but then he had to go obviously. I hadn't seen him, John, in awhile when he came in again a few days ago. I got his phone number and called him two nights later. When I finally did call him I woke him up. I was really upset because I thought that he was going to hate me and all for calling him so late. But then he called me back about 15 min later. We talked and he asked me what I was doing the next night, yesterday night. I told him nothing so we made plans to go out. Last night, he picked me up. And he the first thing he asked me was where is a park. I kinda got disappointed because I didn't really want to sleep with him on the first date. I actually wanted to do this right this time. But he didn't take me to the park to fuck me. We sat in the park for three hours just talking. He made me feel so comfortable and so content. And there is just so many things about him that remind me of Matt. But all those things I didn't like about Matt, John doesn't have. There is no words to descirbe how much fun I had last night. It was honestly the best thing in my life. There was no sexual pressure or anything. There were a few things that he told me that I was thinking about a lot when I went to bed. He was telling me how before I am able to get into a real relationship with someone, I have to be able to find myself and be happy with me. I never really looked at my life and tried to figure out if I was happy with me or not. I have been blinded by what I am not happy with around me, but I never stopped to consider if I am happy with myself. There are some things, that I want to change. I am going to stop smoking weed all the time, which I should of done a long time ago. I shouldn't smoke as much as I do, and I really need a sober view on my life so that I can understand myself without the influence of something that makes me artifical happy. I am making this decision on my own. I was never asked to stop, but I feel that it would be the best thing in my life right now. I really want to make things work between me and John. He is a very amazing guy and I wouldn't want to fuck up anything if it ever came down to it. He's one of those few guys that I actually have found a strong interest in. There were only a few, and I am glad that he is one of them. I am honestly shocked by how much I enjoyed last night. I never thought I would be happy just bonding with someone like I did with him. The lack of sex made it so much better. I swear to myself and to the world, that I am going to do this right and I am not going to fuck this up, because I can really see something happening between us. |
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74 ~ Tues - 8*17*04 - 11:45pm ~ INSIDE
Song of the Day: Motograter-Down The end of August approaches and it feels like I have done nothing more than what I did in the beginning. My life is so boring and I keep thinking about everything else but school. That isn't the only thing on my mind. I've been thinking a lot about my romantic situation or the lack there of. I find myself lonely over and over again. It seems that everything that I had and that I could be happy with is not here anymore. I keep trying to find someone that will be able to fill the hole that was left by Matt. But the more I desire something, the less I am interested in the people around me. I don't feel a connection like I had. And I'm so afraid that I will never feel that same feeling for anyone else. It's so hard to let myself fall for someone anymore. I don't want to be hurt and even that, I want to have that same love feeling again. I desire so greatly to be loved again. My worst fear is to be lonely for the rest of my life. And it feels as every day goes by, that I am not going to be anything more than what I am now. There have been so many people to come and go in my life, and yet only a few have made the lasting impact so that I still remember everything about them today. There are only a few people that can make my head turn like that, that can make me stop and see something in them that is more than what they believe to be there. I lack friends and I like it like that, I only want to be close to a few people. That is all I need, but those few people are leaving me one by one, ever so slowly. I am looking for others to fill that gap, but when I do find someone that sparks an interest, they want nothing more then what is on the surface of things. A hope rises for my life, but a hope leaves for companionship. |
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73 ~ Wed - 8*10*04 - 10:03pm ~ HMMMM
Song of the Day: Guns N'Roses-Welcome to the Jungle I haven't written in a while from what I'm used to. There just hasn't been anything remotely interesting to write down. I stopped talking to Josh because he was just lying and I hate that. He thought he was getting away with it and he thought he had me controlled.. please. But besides that. On the 15th I was set up on a blind date with one of the friends of the girls I work with. I think it was the best possible match she could make. I have been hanging out with this guy Alan now everyday since we met. I feel really comfortable with him. But I don't know if I'm ready yet. This time we are keeping it as friends for awhile. I like that with us right now a lot. We just ride around and smoke a lot. I enjoy that. That's all I really want to do. Is relax and have some interesting conversation that goes with it. I realized I was doing it all wrong by jumping into a relationship with anyone. I want to take my time. This guy really likes me and I don't want to lead him on if I am not feeling the same things he is. I saw Manny the other night as well. Boy that was a shock and a half. I haven't seen him for awhile and it was stranging having sex with him again. But now I don't know if I wanted to. Not that I didn't enjoy it. It's just that I don't want it to turn out how it is. Ever since that day, I haven't heard anything from him and I don't like that. It was like we were talking and everything, and all of a sudden we have sex and then everything stops. I find that very uncool. I'm not the girl I once was and I don't want to be treated like the girl I once was. That is why I like this guy Alan. Because I feel like myself around him. I can goof out and have fun. And he is sweet and honest and I love that even more. But besides that, I've been smoking a lot of weed and having fun with some of my summer. |
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72 ~ Sat - 7*10*04 - 1:21am ~ SHE'S DEAD
Song of the Day: Bush-Machinehead I think I just blew my mother's mind. I think I might of gave her too much to handle. I told her I smoked and I just smoked one with her. It blew her mind. She didn't know what to say. She's stoned as hell and she is like what the fuck is going on? I just handed her who I am on a platter and said, "if u want to know me so bad, here, there it is; u won't be able to handle me. So stop trying to. You can't deal with the real me." I know she can't. I watched her tonight being stoned as hell and feeling awkward as hell. She couldn't handle it. She doesn't want to know who I am now. She won't be able to deal with it. She will leave me to myself and let me do my thing. I broke my gradmother, when I lived with her, down so much that she couldn't deal with me anymore. She needed my mom to take us. I did everything wrong, and she would punish me and I would just do it again. She couldn't deal with that. And now I am showing my mom that she can't deal with me either. She will break down so much that she will just not be able to do anything anymore. It gives me my freedom to do as I please, of course by keeping by the basic rules. But my freedom to do what I have been doing will be so much easier now. So. There I am. What do you say now mom? You really want to try and figure me out. Stop it. |
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71 ~ Wed - 7*07*04 - 1:32am ~ READY? OR WHAT THE FUCK?
Song of the Day: Hoobastank - Crawling In the Dark I'm not sure if it's my maturity or the lack of. I am kinda stuck in something I'm not sure is right for me. But then again, it might be. I'm not sure what I am getting myself into here. It has nothing to do with the person that I might be getting involved with, Josh, but then again it does have something to do with him, but more to do with what I felt for Matt. I don't know why but this part of me doesn't want to seem to move past him. There are just so many reminders as I think back in my life. I can't help but think of him. He is the reason I am where I am right now. For some reason, he was the guy that made me find what I wanted to do in life. He made me see that the place I was, wasn't where I belonged. He made me change into someone I wanted to be all my life. He made me want to succeed so much in life that I realized that if I try hard enough for my dream, I can make it come true, no matter what that means doing. He is doing that with something he loves, his music. He pursues it so hard that one day he will be able to do what he tried forever to do. And his motivation for his dream, gave me my movtivation for my dream. And that is why I can't forget him. Every day I sit down and draw, because I am for my future, I think of him. He's constantly there though we don't talk anymore. His name will never leave my head and his effect on my life will never leave me. That's why I feel troubled about moving on to someone else when I am trying so hard not to get fucked up again like I was. Though I have kinda jumped into something with Josh, something that I am not sure I want to get into, I will keep what we have very lightly. This way I will be able to get to know him better. I know it sounds horrible, but after the way my heart was broken last time, I don't think I will be able to get into something like I had with Matt. I know it's like I'm kinda pushing Josh away, but I just think it's my way of protecting myself against more heart break. I hated the way I felt. I want to be happy. I think that is all I ever wanted. I think that is why I might possibly try to pursue this. Because I am living at home and because I have that kinda feeling of responsiblity when I am here. It keeps me focused, so that is why I am tip-toeing into the water. |
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70 ~ Tues - 6*29*04 - 10:47am ~ GIVING UP
Song of the Day: Sinch-The Silent Acquiescence Of Millions I just completely gave up on human beings. I have been trying so hard to find someone that I could get along with and talk to and enjoy hanging out with. Anyone that I have ever found always wants something different. I don't get it. What is so wrong with me that I can't just find nice people to hang out with. I never go out because there is no one ever to go out with. I have no friends, and I never found it a problem. I am home now, though, and sometimes I just want to go away from here and be able to be with someone my age. But of course, the people that I talk to aren't interested in ever coming to hang out with me. I just end up being someone they talk to when they are bored. All I ever do now is sit at home drawing hoping that maybe someone would call me to do something. But that is just a rare occasion if it ever does. Plain and simple. I have no life. I don't know what I do to make people run from me, but I guess it all for the better. I never really liked dealing with the drama that came along with others, but a human cannot live without others. It's just the way life is. I am slowly dying trying to grip onto someone that is worth it. Maybe I'm just too picky in who I talk to, or maybe I just keep picking the wrong people. I'm not even talking about boyfriend, I'm talking about everyone I have ever talked to in general. I know there are some people out there that are different and might actually spark an interest in me as well as them to me. But the fact that after 19 years, I can't really seem to find them, I feel like I am just wasting my time with everyone. They just don't understand who I am, or maybe they just can't except who I am. I never stopped caring, I just stopped trying to but so much effort into it all. I just hate being stuck without someone to talk to or someone to hug when you just want someone to be there for you. Whether or not if it is a boyfriend or just a friend. It just is nice to know that someone is there sometimes. Someone that you can call and they are going to make you feel better. Not someone that will let you talk and you feel like the same shit you did when you started talking in the beginning. I just wish a lot of shit was different about people. They seem to pointless, yet still a neccesity. |
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69 ~ Sat - 6*19*04 - 10:46pm ~ WHAT CAN I SAY
Song of the Day: Candlebox-Change This weekend has been the most busy weekend of my life. I have been waking up earlier on the weekend then I do for work during the week. This morning I had to get up at 7:30 for a garage sell that we were having. That took a lot out of me. I sat outside until about 4:30 in the afternoon watching people "complain" that we were charging too much for stuff when we basically were selling it for dirt cheap. But that is the way asshole people are I guess. But we did sell a lot of shit and I got concert tickets out of the deal. I get to go see Disturbed at the end of July with my sister's boyfriend. I am so glad that I am able to go, I haven't been to a concert since the Cold concert and, though I wanted to go to Ozzfest, I settled for Disturbed, which isn't a bad choice at all. But that isn't the highlight of my day. After the garage sell, I had to get ready to go to the Karate Promotion Dinner. I got there and I felt kind outcasted because I haven't seen some of these people in years. My ex boyfriend, Rich, was there and there are still some horrible feelings between us. But whatever, he deserves everything he gets for being an arrogant prick. I also saw Ibby. We hung out a lot and talked and just did the normal. We ended up flirting a lot and, I'm not sure how this happened. But we ended up making out. When I kissed him again, all the memories of five years ago came back. Well, all the memories with him. I can't believe I am going to say this, but it felt good. I missed him. And though are age seperation is still the same, obviously, it still felt right. I don't know why. I mean, he is so much younger than I am and I can't believe that I would do the same thing I did five years ago. It's kinda funny. I say that I wasn't the same person I was five years ago, but everything from my five years ago is right there, confronting me again. And I'm not sure if this is a bad thing or a good thing. I am really confused. I've always had a thing for Ibby, he just has this way about him. And when I hugged him and kissed him the way I used to, my heart beat as hard as his was beating. I was nervous and shy, and I am never like that in situations when it comes to kissing someone. Maybe it's our past coming back or maybe it's just the realization of something that I have not yet realized enough to put into words. There are so many what ifs in my life and it's hard enough to what if something that hardly means anything. But that's the problem. What if it doesn't mean just nothing, maybe it means something more or less or, I can't even put into words the thoughts that are spinning through my mind. All I can describe it as is, it felt good and it made me smile, a smile I haven't seen in years. But maybe it's all just a big nothing again. |
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68 ~ Thurs - 6*17*04 - 8:45pm ~ SHARE
Song of the Day: Pantera-This Love I wrote this poem awhile ago and I still read it and I love it. It is one of the best things I think I have ever written and I wanted to share it. the pain that withered away swells in her tears the glistening pools of water holds her sorrow and anguish the bloods pumps through her broken heart its as though her breath stopped suddenly over and over again this happens the emptiness holds its own it courses through her licking its way through her mind the tears fall now always as though her pain could not be cured her thoughts tremor they shake into her being only hurt comes now nothing could stop the longing she held inside the blood runs clean through her open wound it spills from her like the warm water from the sink she pours herself out she gave everything she could and recieved only half of what she gave the happiness dissolves into nothingness she dies by his hand the hands that held her close shook the joy from her life he stole her heart and never looked back to the girl that still felt as though it was more it was nothing more than what was past her future now withers with her soul and only her past shows behind her eyes the breath stops now she is nothing more than what she was to him she was just that little girl clinging to the hope of something that never was |
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67 ~ Sat - 6*12*04 - 3:17pm ~ MOTIVATION
Song of the Day: Mudvayne-Not Falling Well, I figured it all out. In the fall I will be attending Union County College so that I can bring my GPA enough so that I will be able to be accepted into Kean University. That gives me plenty of time to get a portfolio together so I can major in what I want to major in. Last night I was so nervous about my portfolio that I started to clean the area around my drawing table. I was the one that got everyone started on working on the basement. Since there is a town wide garage sell my mom was going to go through the basement anyway and get rid of a lot of the shit we have down there. She wasn't planning on starting it until during the week or at least Sunday, but because I was cleaning up Linda came down and started going through stuff. My mom was like look at April, she is so motivated. And the most shocking words came out of my mouth. I said, I have to be. My mom, to say the least was shocked as well, and she was just like, my little Apie is growing up. The basement is on its way and the great part about me going to school for drawing is that my mom is going to start drawing again too. She is going to help me get focused on my art and learn to be able to do the things I can do a little better. And since I am not going to be living in a dorm anymore, I unpacked all the little things that I still had packed, mostly my posters that I had in my dorm room. I got them all together and rearranged my walls in my room so that I would be able to fit them all on my walls. Let's just say that my room is COVERED in pictures and posters. It's awesome though. It's very me and I like that. I am even going to get one of those boards that you hang on the door of the dorms and put it on my door so instead of my mom leaving notes on paper in the kitchen. It can be right on my door. Kinda like at the dorms. It's nice. I am getting all my old art work together and I have to go through it so that I can see what I am going to add to my portfolio or what I can alter slightly to make better for my portfolio. Hopefully this weekend me and my mom can finish the application for UCC. And get all my transcripts transfered over and done with. So there I am. Doing my thang. |
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66 ~ Thurs - 6*10*04 - 10:54pm ~ TALK ABOUT FINDING YOURSELF
Song of the Day: Stabbing Westward-Crushing Me When I woke up this morning I thought today was going to be like every other day. I thought I was going to go to work and come back and go out to eat with my uncle. Well, granted, I did all that, when I got home, my life completely changed. My mom sat me down and said she needed to talk to me about something. I was a little freaked out. I had no idea what she was going to say and I was wondering what the hell I did wrong this time. It was nothing terrible, but it made me want to change my entire life. And I am currently on the way to doing just that. I got a letter from Rutgers telling me that I am once again on academic probabtion and that I need to take this special seminar on how to better yourself as a student. I also had the requirements of only taking 13 credits, which I didn't want to do. Because of this I was going to have to change my entire schedule around to include this bullshit seminar. Well, that was when I actually broke down in tears and was like, fuck this. This is not what I want to do with my life. I do not want to be forced to take classes that the school wants me to take so I can pursue an education for something I really don't enjoy anyway. I said enough is enough. I want to do the art like I wanted to do for so long, but never seemed to have the time to get around to it. My mom and dad were very supportive which surprised the hell out of me. We made a plan. I am not going to attend Rutgers anymore. I want to attend Kean so that I will be able to do the art. We talked about that for quite some time and when we were finished talking, I came inside to check out all the information I needed to know for transfer students at Kean. Well, one of the requirements as a transfer student is to have a 2.0 GPA, which I don't have. Now I am stuck waiting until tomorrow to call the university to see if I will still be able to transfer to their school. My mom, dad, and I even discussed another plan if they won't allow me to enter the fall semester. I will attened county college just so I will be able to improve my GPA, so that Kean will have no reason not to accept me. I am hoping that I won't have to do that. I hope that I will be able to sell myself enough that I will be able to convince the admissions office to allow me to enter as soon as possible. It will be nice though attending Kean. I will be doing what I should of been doing at the beginning when I got out of high school. I will have a car so that I will be able to commute to school and I will have the comfort of living at home so I don't have to deal with a lot of the assholes that I lived with in the dorm. I will be able to keep my job I have now and I will be able to just plain be home. I won't have the freedom that I liked so much in the dorm, but I think I changed enough that I don't need the freedom like that. Since I have been obeying the rules of the house since I got home from college, my mom hasn't yelled at me for anything and she has calmed down a lot more. It makes living at home seem a little nicer. And if I continue doing the right thing, I will be able to have more and more freedom that I want. Hehe, especially having a car. I am just happy that I will be able to pursue my art. I am actually pretty damn excited about it. I might actually be able to do what I want in my life, my computer animation/graphic art. I never thought I would be here and I never thought art would actually be what I would do. But I think the whole first year of college was a good experience for me. Though I did waste time dicking around at Rutgers, at least I was able to find out what I should really be doing and that is my art work. My dad told me a few days ago, everyone knows what I should be doing except me. And now I realized, aftering fucking up royally at Rutgers, that I should be doing what I always wanted to do. It's strange how in my lastest entries that I was just taking about finding out who you are and such. And here I am, only a day later, finding out who I am and making the change enough to pursue my own self. |
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65 ~ Thurs - 6*10*04 - 12:28am ~ INTERESTING, BUT LET ME EXPLAIN
Song of the Day: From Autumn To Ashes-Reflections My friend IMed me the other day and made a comment towards what I wrote in my last entry and I felt I needed to respond to it. He told me that the people that I talk to might have some influence yes, but in reality you are who you are and only your mind can tell you who and what you wanna be or who you are and no one or nothing can change that. I agree with that. I am not saying that the people that I am talking to are who you are by the people you talk to. I am saying that the person I thought I was, the girl that would fuck pretty much anyone with a dick, isn't the girl I want to be. And those people talk to me thinking that I am still the same person, but I'm not. I don't think the same way. I don't act the same way. So associating myself with the people I used to is pointless. We have nothing to talk about but sex. And it just doesn't stimulate the conversations that I want when I IM someone or call someone. It's not the people that are deciding who I am, it is the people that think they are talking to me, but it isn't me anymore. And I also agree. I wasn't the same person five years ago and I don't think I will be the same person five years from now. And that is what I explained. You continue to change because your trying to figure out who you are. The only reason that I am not the same person that I was five years ago is because I was too young to find myself, and even now I believe I am too young to truely find myself. I don't believe anyone knows who they are until they are old and in life and being in the real world. And even then some people die not knowing who they really were. It's a strange way at looking at things. But that is my beliefs. That is what I have been noticing in myself. I am trying to find out who I should be and how I should continue living my life. As time goes on things around us changes, and in those changes we are still searching for our true meaning and who we are. And because everything around us is effecting us, it makes it even harder to find who we truely are. |
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64 ~ Sun - 6*06*04 - 7:32pm ~ SAVED BY ASSHOLE
Song of the Day: Otep-Blood Pigs It's kinda weird how the people that leave the biggest impact on your life are the biggest assholes in your life. When you sit back and look on the past and see the events leading up to the moment you are in right now, you can probably pick out the people and times that made you stop and think the most. It's strange when I look in my past, I see that the person that made the biggest impact on my life was Matt, now one of the biggest assholes in my life. We are nothing of what we used to be. We never talk anymore. I don't call him and of course he doesn't call me. I don't know what happened between us breaking up and wanting to remain friends to the moment I got home and actually started turning my life around like he wanted me to for so long. We did talk the other day on the computer. He actually IMed me. But all that happened is we ended up fighting and words were exchanged that probably hurt both our feelings. If not his, definitely mine. He called me a slut. It's not the fact that he said that. I mean, there have been so many other people who has said that about me and it hasn't bothered me like it did when he said it. His opinion, oddly enough, matters to me. And when he called me that, all the thoughts of other people calling me that, made me hurt even more. I just got done dealing with this whole bullshit about this guy harrassing me, calling me in the middle of night calling me a slut and whore and shit like that. It's the ping of knowing that this guy used to love you and all of a sudden the words slut are coming out of his mouth. And I have no doubt in my mind that he meant what he said. When we first met, he told me that my past didn't matter to him as long as what I did in the future was alright. It never seems to work out like that though. The past is what breaks everything up anyway. His fear of shit happening like it did with his ex made our relationship suck. The past is always there in your face and it seemed when we were together he was fine with my past, but obviously, once we break up, he starts worrying about my past. It's almost like a stab in the back. I mean, he was the one that I liked talking to because he was the one that would always give me the best advice and the best conversations. I enjoyed that. And I wish that everything between us was different. But I guess that isn't how it is supposed to be like. I really don't talk to many people anymore. The only person that I even wanted to talk to was Matt, and that went away after the last time we talked and it just felt so wrong talking to him. It makes me wonder how someone that is so degrading can make such an impact on your life. And why the hell does his opinion mean so much to me when all he did was ever play around with me? There are so strange things people do when they think they love someone. I do wonder if what I felt for him was ever anything. It's so complicated to look back in the past and try to figure out what was felt and why things were done the way they were done. All the information gets all mixed up and everything appears to be something else than what it was back when it was actually happening. I don't know why I do some of the things I do. I guess that only defense I have is, I do what I do. Why I do the things I do, doesn't matter, it just matters that it is done and nothing in my past and nothing about who I am can be changed. It funny though how a person can change in the eyes of someone else, but the reality of it is, a person isn't who they are until they can figure the way they are and who they are. I never figured out who I am or what I am like. I just look in my past and realize that a lot of the shit that I used to do isn't who I was. I have always been the quite one in class and with people. And I believe that is who I am. The person that excludes herself until she finds that right people to keep her time occupied. And no one I used to talk to can do that for me. They seem to bore me and they seem that they aren't good enough for me. I need to find new people to associated myself with and I guess that is why I haven't talked to many people I used to know. Exclusion because I might actually be finding out who I am. |
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63 ~ Tues - 5*25*04 - 1:09am ~ PAINFUL PLEASURES
Song of the Day: Judas Priest-One Shot At Glory I've been such a busy person lately and I haven't had the energy to walk downstairs and wait for that slow piece of shit to start and connect me to the internet. That is why I hooked up the internet to my computer in my room. I've been working and doing my karate. So I am keeping myself pretty busy. This weekend my mom went to Florida to bring my sister to her internship, so I was stuck home alone watching the doggies and everything. I did good though. I didn't burn the house down or anything like everyone probably thought I was going to do. I am so happy though. I have this guy I'm interested in and we are kinda dating and doing our thing. It's nice. He's sweet and sensual and I like that. He has the best sense of humor too. And he lives right down the road which is awesome as hell. But anywho. Besides that I really haven't done anything. I have been lectured a million and one times about how important school is and everything. I don't mind hearing it, but it is getting annoying because I already know what I have to do and I know that I have to change somethings. I don't need everyone to tell me. It's the summer time. I just want to fucking relax. I didn't think that was so hard. Matt and I are really close now though. We don't talk nearly as much, but when we do it's nice. We actually get along. So I'm happy in that department. No more heart break here for me. I am starting to realize the stupid shit I was doing with the guys and I am starting to find my way a little better. I also went down to Rutgers today to get my HIV test results back. I was so nervous going in there because I was so afraid they were going to tell me something like I was going to die in two hours or something. But nah, it went fine. My test was negative and you don't know how happy I was to hear that. I even went thank you god in the office after my doctor told me. I am a healthy girl and I am thankful that I didn't have anything after sleeping with so many people. So I guess all in all I am doing much better than I was and I believe I might actually have my life straightened out enough to start doing what I should of been doing a long time ago. |
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62 ~ Wed - 5*19*04 - 11:08pm ~ OSS
Song of the Day: Offspring-Amazed Back to karate. It was so much fun. It made me remember how good I used to be at everything and it made me want that back very badly. I loved it there when I went tonight. And I'm glad that I decided to start working out again. I'm finally figuring out where I want to be and what I should be doing. I've grown up now and it's nice knowing where your path will take you, or more likely, decideing where you will go from here. |
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61 ~ Mon - 5*17*04 - 10:21pm ~ HAPPY AND SOBER?
Song of the Day: Cold-Wasted Years I think when I got home everything just fell into place. I like it here. I missed it so much. I didn't think I was going to be happy being home because I am never able to smoke here, but being sober and being at home just fits together so well. Though there are a lot of times where I have had trouble sleeping because I felt lonely, but I can always deal with that. I think my maturity level rose a few notches. Seeing my dad and hearing some of the stuff that he was talking about made me think about a lot of stuff. I guess I needed to come home to clear my mind and get my shit in order. I've done pratically nothing since I've been home and it's the most wonderful feeling in the world. No pressure to do anything (except go to work, but even that I don't mind). I've kept my feet on the ground this time and I think that keeping myself planted has helped me rise above it. It's strange to think, but isn't that the best way to do things? Keep yourself focused and being able to understand and absorb everything will give up the happiness and the success that I believe everyone should be able to earn. I know I am going to earn it. One of these days. I have decided to get back into a lot of the old stuff I used to do. (And I don't mean the bad shit that I regret.) I mean karate. I am going back this summer to get in shape because I have a little extra chub that I would like to give to the sweat gods. It should be fun. I'm very excited about it actually. I saw one of my ex boyfriends today at the dojo, Ibby. He's gotten so fucking tall and boy is his hair long as hell. He's 14 now. Yeah, don't ask, long story. It was nice to see him again. He's still the same old guy though. Nice as all hell. Besides that and work, I am going to be doing nothing. Yay! Even the whole guy thing with me is working out well. I don't have a guy and I must admit, I am still happy as hell. I realized in the past few days that I do have friends. Some of the people at college have IMed me and it's nice that they did. Made me smile. Also, Dan, another one of my exs, is coming to see me tomorrow before he goes away on his internship. I haven't seen him in the longest time and I can't wait. It's going to be nice to hug him again. Don't expect anything to come of it. He has a girlfriend and I'm not interested in him as a boyfriend anymore. Even Matt and me are getting along. We talked last night on the phone for a little while and once again it was wonderful. We were just able to laugh and have a good time like we used to, without all the drama shit going on. I'm glad I can look at him as just a friend now. I call him my sleeping pill now. He is the only thing that can help me fall asleep. Not that he's boring or anything. He just relaxes me and makes me feel comfortable. And either way, he is one of the only people I can really hold a conversation with about nothing and it actually be entertaining. So I believe I am actually doing really good. I've finally learned my lesson and trying to take a step in the right direction. Hopefully, my feet will take me to my desired destination. |