29th November 2001 Dirty Leeds 0 (NIL) Chelsea 2 (TWO) There hasn't been a great deal to talk about on the Chelsea front lately. We are in a situation where the antics of a frothing lunatic of a chairman are providing infinitely more entertainment than a team that has become inexorably more draw-happy as the season has progressed. Santa Bates's mercurial performances in the past few weeks have consistently outstripped the players' efforts on the pitch, not to mention the managerial skills of Lord Ranieri of Gurn. Last night the clouds of doom that have been slowly gathering were cast aside by a magnificent victory in the Worthington Cup over a team that have consistently kept up the highest standards of dirty play for over thirty years. Amongst the mayhem Eidur Gudjohnsen slipped two goals away, but the pitch was littered with casualties by the end of the match, most of whom, I am delighted to say, were Leeds players. That will teach those northern monkeys to mix it with the Mighty Blues, who have never been averse to handing Leeds back a taste of their own, dirty medicine. Just ask the 1970 FA Cup-winning Chelsea team. The most sickening sight of the night was psychopath Danny "Cunt" Mills screaming "cheat" at Graeme Le Saux as he lay stunned after having psychopath Alan Smith's elbow surgically implanted into his face. Fuck off, Mills. And while we're at it Alan Smith, David O'Leary, Don Revie, Johnny Giles, Billy Bremner, Norman fucking Hunter and anyone else who has ever played for Leeds can fuck off as well. As Dr Les so wisely advised former Chelsea favourite Michael Duberry: get out now, while you still can. 2-0 to the Chelsea. On a more pleasant note, I notice with relief that scally slimeball Robbie "Ratboy" Fowler has signed for Leeds. I say with relief because there have been persistent nasty rumours that he was wanted by Chelsea (surely not ??), but thank the lord we no longer have that awful scenario hanging over our every waking moment. I would like to be the first to wish young Robbie the best of luck in his new career playing for a manager and team that will deeply appreciate his, er, talents. David O'leary has been quoted as saying that Fowler would take time to adjust to the way Leeds play, but I don't think he needs to worry on that score. I reckon Fowler will fit Leeds like a glove right from the off. His first three-game suspension will prove that I am right... 15th November 2001 Diego Sidelined ? My colleague Dr Les, hearing the sad news that The Hand Of God is set to retire, has been moved to pen a personal tribute to the great Diego Maradona. This reminds me of certain parallels with my own career which I have outlined beneath Les's tribute. You may find these revelations shocking, but if you are a regular reader I somehow doubt it... 9th November 2001 Blatter Clattered Oh no ! Dr Les has been reading the papers again. While distracted momentarily from the nice picture of super soaraway smasher Sally (62-20-32), he noticed something that caused a rapid deflation in his constitution. The something in question was an interview with the Great Sepp Blatter, King of FIFA, where Sepp quite rightly condemns the Chelsea six for mistakenly deciding that there are a few more important things in life than risking getting your head blown off for a game of football. Personally I am with Sepp on this; it is an outrage that professional footballers should refuse to travel to a war zone when given the choice by their employers whether or not to do so. What cowards ! How right of Sepp to point out the error of their ways ! In a world where our whole concept of morality is being questioned daily, it is deeply reassuring to know that we have good old Sepp and FIFA to act as guardians of taste and decency. We can rest assured, for instance, that FIFA would never let the World Cup go to a country that condones the practice of keeping dogs immobilised in rabbit hutches, "tenderising" them with baseball bats while still alive, and then openly serving them up in thousands of restaurants across the country, nor one that slaughters thousands of endangered whales every year for sushi while taking the piss by claiming that it is all in aid of scientific research. Notwithstanding this, Dr Les still wants to have a go at Sepp. Tut tut, Les.. 8th November 2001 Les Be Friends Dr Les would like to raise what he calls "a couple of well balanced points" with my readers. The first concerns the whereabouts of some of the more colourful characters we have known over the past few years. His second point is to take issue with our friend Lord Ferguson of Cat's Arse, but he saves most of his bile for the gutter press. Bravo ! Read on... 7th November 2001 Tractor Beam I have always been in contempt of the legion of arseholes who leave Stamford Bridge anything up to twenty minutes before the end of a game if we're not winning 5-0. The more committed fans have the rest of the game spoilt by a continual stream of muppets blocking their view while exiting the ground early. Apart from the nuisance to the rest of us the effect on the players is devastating - just when they need support and encouragement the most these so-called fans are pissing off, much to the derision of the opposing fans. It makes you ashamed to be Chelsea, doesn't it, readers ? An egregious insult to the name of our club, if ever I saw it. So as you may imagine I took more than the usual satisfaction in Sam Dalla Bona's winner for Chelsea in the dying seconds of the game against Ipswich on Sunday. In fact I laughed like a drain. Champagne Charlies, the fucking lot of them. Serves them right... Klaus has weighed in with his usual, pithy match report. No, I said PITHY, Klaus.... Cheers... 2nd November 2001 Happy Tel Aviv Part Two Klaus, the solitary voice of the East Stand, has finaly surfaced from a huge hangover and has submitted a match report that does not make pretty viewing, unlike himself... 2nd November 2001 Happy Tel Aviv To nobody's real surprise Chelsea fail to beat Hapoel Tel Aviv in the UEFA Cup, crashing out 3-1 on aggregate after a 1-1 draw in the second leg. Hapoel were impressive once again, surviving a powerful onslaught from Chelsea that resulted in something like 40 attempts on goal, but they never buckled. They are a far better team than the British media give them credit for, and deserve to go through. I'd be lying if I said that it doesn't hurt to go out, but the thing that pisses me off most about losing is that the scum media will be far happier now that we're out than they would have been had we gone through, and are having a field day, blaming the "Hapoel Six" for everything and trying to find problems where none exist. Typical of them, but hardly unexpected. We are dealing with pondlife here, after all. Ignore the cunts is my advice - just don't read papers like the Sun and the Daily Mail. Stick to the Beano and you can't go wrong. I would guess that the only people connected with Chelsea who will really have the hump this morning will be Santa Bates and his bank manager. Big up to Hapoel, who are a good, well-organised side with plenty of skill. Hopefully they will get Leeds somewhere along the way and give them a good thumping as well. On the subject of Dirty Leeds, I was highly amused to see that Lee Bowyer turned up in court with his chum Woody "Frankenstein" Woodgate on GBH charges this week sporting a broken nose and a black eye. His lawyers were so worried that the jury might think that he'd been up to no good that they asked the judge to mention that he'd received his injuries not in a nightclub brawl but while while playing football. The evil perpetrator turned out to be none other than Nicky Butt, who re-arranged Bowyer's features in the game between Leeds and Man U at the weekend. Poor old Bowyer, eh ? He already looked like his mother had fed him turnips with a catapult when he was kid, and now he's even more ugly. For the first time since Eric Cuntona graced our screens with his Kung Fu antics I am finding something to like about Manchester United... 1st November 2001 Ravioli Unravelled "Model professional" Fabrizio Ravioli has confirmed that his Biffa Bacon antics during the game on Sunday were entirely due to comments made by Zenden and Desailly prior to the game. The fact that these comments were made to sound infinitely worse than they actually were due to being taken out of context by the useless tossers in the gutter press did not concern the model professional, who immediately took it upon himself to act as some kind of grotesque Charles Bronson-like avenger during the game. Model professional, my arse. Nutter Ravioli later said "I was not happy that me and my team-mates were rubbished ahead of Sunday's game." (They were not). "Desailly put his hand in my face as I was going for a cross near the end. There's a bit of history between me and him. What he and Zenden said before tha game was out of order." In one sentence the model professional reveals that he is, in fact, nothing of the sort. He is in fact nothing more than a thick bully who thinks he can get away with thuggish behaviour because he is a footballer. Not yet content, Signor Foghorni also had a cheap pop at the five players who didn't go to Israel, saying "They earn £45,000 a week yet they can't fly, can't travel and get tired." Sounds suspiciously like Signor Castoroili is just the teeniest bit jealous to me. I'm sure all football fans apart from a few idiots in the midlands will join me in saying that we are also tired - of him - and wish he would do a bit of flying himself - back to Italy for good. Rotten Derby manager Colin Todd Todd would be well advised to consult a dictionary in the future before applying epithets such as "model professional" to a dangerous lunatic like Ravioli. I suppose our only consolation is that the pair of them will soon inevitably slide back into the cesspit from whence they came. That's all I'm saying.

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