Ray Jay's Meanderings and Other Goofy Stuff
A collection of one liners,puns,lists and some more goofy stuff!
SILLY ASS DEFINITIONS (of words we may already know)
- COTTONMOUTH:
- The final stage for beer nuts
- PUSSYFOOT:
-
A rare female birth defect requiring the use
of open-toed shoes.
- SEERSUCKER:
- A person who blows clairvoyants
- HORMONE:
- The sound a prostitute makes so you'll think you're real good
- TRAMPOLINE:
- a sexual lubricant popular with sluts
- FEAR:
- Getting stuck in heavy traffic then realizing you've had two cups of coffee and a bran muffin
- PAIN:
- Sliding down a fifty foot razor blade into a tub of iodine.
- DATING:
- The process of spending enormous amounts of money,
time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom
you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like
a lot less in the future.
- EASY:
- A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of aman.
- EYE CONTACT:
- A method utilized by a single woman to communicateto
a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to
do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in theeyes, not
necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact
that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
- FRIEND:
- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who
has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totallyunappealing.
- INDIFFERENCE:
- A woman's feeling towards a man, which is
interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
- IRRITATING HABIT:
- What the endearing little qualities thatinitially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few monthstogether.
- NYMPHOMANIAC:
- A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more
often than he does.
- SOBER:
- A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall inlove.
- ATTRACTION:
- The act of associating horniness with a particularperson.
- LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
- What occurs when two extremely horny, but
not entirely choosy people meet.
- LAW OF RELATIVITY:
- How attractive a given person appears to be
is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
- HICKORY DICKORY DOC:
- who you take your sick hickory dickory to
- CLOSET SPACE:
- where you'd find gay astronauts!
- BAD LUCK:
- getting the a.i.d.s. virus from a Quaker
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by
a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with
a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to
make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend 1/2 an hour writing, then forget to take
to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never
be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't
coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets
to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and
children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come
off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner,
diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky
to get a card.
----------REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS--(dedicted to Kayrey)--------
Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
Artery.........................The study of paintings.
Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section...............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic..........................A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D&C............................Where Washington is.
Dilate.........................To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.........................A small lie.
Genital........................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series.....................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff..................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node...........................I knew it.
Outpatient.....................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear......................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis.........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.................A letter carrier.
Recovery Room..................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.........................Damn near killed him.
Secretion......................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor.
Tablet.........................A small table.
Terminal Illness...............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..........................More than one.
Urine..........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose.......................Near by/close by
---------------------------------------------------
Ten Camps Never to Send Your Kids to:
10 Tommy Lee's Camp Kickachickee
9 Lorena Bobbit's Camp Kutaweewee
8 Tonya Harding's Camp Wackaneenee
7 Kenneth Star's Camp Katchacrookee
6 Louis Farakahn's Camp Killawhitee
5 O.J. Simpson's Camp Killachickee
4 Michael Jackson's Camp Wannabewhitee
3 Bill Clinton's Camp Gettahootchee
2 Ellen Degenerate's Camp Lickacoochee
...And the Number One Camp Never to Send Your Kids to:
1 Monica Lewinsky's Camp Suckapeepee
Regarding Red Riding Hood: Wolves can't be all bad if they'll eat your grandmother. Grandpa won't even do that!
Hey you know what would be fun?...Drop acid,smoke pcp, and then take a white house tour with Jim Carrey.
Never tell a Spanish maid you want everythin to be Spic & Span!
Be kind to your kids for one day they will choose your nursing home!
Safest place to be during an earthquake...A stationary store!
When Popeye blows on his pipe,why doesn't he get sprayed with burning ash?
I'll bet there aren't too many people who are hooked on crack that can play the bagpipes!
And this just in from the racetrack courtesy of Angel_soft_kisses:
THE CALL; And they're off! Conscience is left behind at the post .Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy
Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
At the
halfway mark it's Bare Belly on top.
Thighs open and Big Johnsonis pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed
hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
BareBelly is under
terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At the stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making
a final drive.
Passionate Lady is coming.
At the finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and
PassionateLady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but BigJohnson squirts
through and wins by a head.
Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pull up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance . . .
FOR WOMEN ONLY:
Did you know that a man is made up of useless parts?
An Adams Apple that isn't an apple
2 calfs that never become cows
A chest that won't hold linen
2 tits that won't give milk
A Bellybutton that won't button
An ass that won't pull a plow
2 balls that won't roll
An organ that won't play music
Now what are the women laughing about?
? At least men
don't have a pussy that won't catch mice!!
CONCFUSEDUS say:
woman who goest to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding bag
Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face
Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly
Man with hole in pants pocket, feels cocky all day
Man who argue with wife all day, get no piece at night
Virginity like balloon, one prick ~ all gone
Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town
He who farts in church, sits in own pew
Baseball all wrong, man with four balls can't walk
Man with penis in peanutbutter jar, is fucking muts
Man who walks through airport door sideways is going
to bangkok
Man who drop watch in toilet , bound to have shitty time
Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind,
wake up with solution in hand
Man who take woman on camping trip, have one intent
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Why don't elephants use tampons?
you would not use them either if you had to put
them in with your nose!
How do you parlyze a woman from the waist down?
Marry her!
A Chinese couple are in bed.....Hubby says "I want 69"
his wife says "Why you want beef and broccoli now?"
Did you hear about the gay canibal?
he blew lunch!
IF REALITY BITES DO I HAVE TO GET A RABIES SHOT?
MORE FOR THE LADIES:
How do you get a man to do situps?
>> Put the remote control between his toes
How do you save a man from drowning?
>> Take your foot off his head
How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
>> No one knows - we've never seen it done!
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
>> a) 1 - men will screw just about anything
>> b) 5 - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him bragabout it
How do men exercise on the beach?
>> By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by
How can you tell if a man is happy?
>> Who cares???
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in conveniencestores and drive-through windows.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
>> Two ways to cross a river.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
>> A padded headboard.
What's the difference between hard and dark?
>> It stays dark all night.
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt aboutcondoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me,"
My brother-in-law is in danger of losing his license to practicemedicine. He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's such ashame. He was the best veterinarian in town.
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?
>> It means you're in the wrong house. >
What do you call a man with half a brain?
>> Gifted.
What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
..he WIPED!
Why did God create man?
>> Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
>> A man's undivided attention.
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
>> Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get,or how, long it'll stay.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
>> To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
>> Trustworthy.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
>> Because so many men fake foreplay. >
OK NOW SOME FOR THE GUYS!!!!!(cause we deserve it!)
::P
What is the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
Why do women have arms? Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
What is the best thing about a blowjob? Ten minutes of silence.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing she has already been told twice.
Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning? They have no balls to scratch.
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
As long as they continue to use our razors, we will continue to leave the toilet seat up.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"