|
UPDATED April 1st 2006 
WHAT ARE YOU , STOOPID OR SUMTHIN'????
 1) You stop at a red light and beep your horn at the driver in the lane next to you and ask for directions! What's wrong with pulling into a service station? The light has changed colors three times and you still ain't got a clue! And those of us behind you are pissed! Why are you asking him? Did you not notice that he's got out of state plates? For chrissakes before you leave your house to go somewhere, know how to get there!!!What are you stupid or something? Oh and to the Turkey behind me...STOP TAILGATING ME OR I'LL FLICK BOOGERS ON YOUR WINDSHIELD! 2) OK, now that you know where you're going I notice you kid is in the car with you. How do I notice? He's friggin' standing up on the back seat that's why! If the kid was wearing a seatbelt he would not be standing up! Ever wonder what would happen if you slammed on your brakes? Do your child a favor, look up INERTIA in the dictionary! That's the book that lists words alphabetically. Trust me if he kisses the windshield it will note be cute. What are you stupid or something? 3) Now you get to the store that you know closes at 9:00pm. You look at your watch..."9:08pm"! Now you know what time it is so what do you do? You look at your watch again! What are you hoping that time turned back? The sign on the door reads "sorry we're closed". So why the hell did you just pull on the door? To see if it would open? Maybe the help is hiding on you! Maybe they neglected to pay the electric bill! NOT! What are you stupid or something? 4) Hey you're hungry. You have a rumbly in your tumbly! So you decide to go into a deli/sandwich shop. Tell the clerk "I want a sandwich" and nothing more. Wonder why he's giving you a strange look? What the hell is he supposed to make? Geez be a little more specific asshole! He's not Karnac the Sandwich Maker!!! Tell him what kind of sandwhich you want, what you want on it and for crissakes tell him what type of bread would you like it to be put on! While you're at it, why not tell him what you don't want on it too! Try to make the ordering as difficult as possible. Tell him you want Turkey on rye with lettuce and mustard then shut the hell up! Do not say no tomatoes or onions! He's trying to recall what you want on it not what you don't want on it! Be a schmuck! Wait till he wraps it to ask if he can put cheese on it! Now argue about the price coz you're not bright enough to know that sandwiches are a taxable item, which you can't pay for cause you left your money in the car w/ the motor running and the kid now standing in the front seat playing with all the knobs! What are you stupid or something? 5) You're walking downtown enjoying the sights. Maybe looking at chick or hunk butts(have to include both ,hey who am I to offend), maybe just window shopping then BAM! you walk face first into a street sign. Why? Are you not watching where you're walking? You were that kid that always showed up at school with dog poopy on your shoes weren't you! Put it this way had you not been embarressed of taking the short bus to school it would have never have happened. What are you stupid or something? 6) you are walking along the railroad tracks. Why? Because you are so friggin' clueless that's why! Hell, a train only comes along once in a blue moon. Nevermind the fact that it's cloudy out and you can't see the moon to realize what color it is anyways. So your head is down and to make matters worse; you are listening to your "walkman"w/ headphones blaring a volume so loud it's audible in the surrounding counties. Now you can't hear the oncoming train barrelling down on your ass!...........(several seconds later) What WERE you stupid or something? 7) Now then, those of you with that strange unnaturally colored hair... What is the reasoning behind this? Did you wake up on the wrong side of the world? Are you trying to get back at your parents? "I'm pissed at mom so I think I'll streak my hair bright orang,purple and green! What the hell kind of fashion statement is that? You think because your hair is multicolored it won't clash with the shirt you're wearing? And you got the nerve to ask "What are you looking at?" when we look at you. Hey idiot, I'm looking at you because you look like "A FRIGGIN PARROT"! And while we're at it, what's with the nose ring and 18 earings you are wearing, you "game of darts gone wrong".What are you stupid or something? 8) Jehova's Witnesses.Should be enough said right? But if you know me.....just can't pass this one up! Why do you insist on ringing my doorbell asking if I'd like something to read? See this newspaper? I've got something to read! and exactly what do you think you witnessed? Save me? HAH! You should worry about someone saving you if you're the one ringing my doorbell waking my "I work nights" ass up again. Don't you think you'd be a little better off putting 10% of your income into an IRA account? By the way, the idiot up the block can get me a better deal on that literature you're pushing thru his AMWAY company! Now get the heck off my front porch!!! 9) Did you ever stop to think and forget to restart? 10)"The gene pool could use a little chlorine." 11) You dumb ass! You make millions of $$$$$dollars playing a game. You are supposed to be considered a "professional". Why not start acting like one? You could be a schmuck like John Rocker. Open your mouth and say something stupid. Make fun of every nationality. Do you not realize you're in a high profile position? Ok, for arguments sake...Let's say you are one of the most generous , giving athletes around. Everyone loves what you are doing for the community. You are an all-star. So here's my idea....Go Get a friend, then hop into your cars and try drag racing! Go as fast as you can!!!!! push that pedal to the floor! Come on Mr.Derek Thomas! Come on Mr. Bobby Phills. You can SOAR!!!! this may not be the best way to get your wings(angel ones maybe) But hey! you got the money to hire great lawyers ......if you survive.  Some of you people in Florida must learn how to vote. And it may help if you spent a little money on technology! are you kidding me at this day in age? fucking hand ballots?? You probably never even used an ATM!!!! And Please refer to it as an ATM not ATM MACHINE!!! ATM stands for AUTOMATIC/AUTOMATED TELLER MACHINE. the M in ATM stands for MACHINE!!!!! don't say it!!!! Automatic teller machine machine. While we're at it you probably have a rotary phone. 1998 Darwin AwardsOnce again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote forthe 1998 Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awardsare for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully).The 1998 nominees are:NOMINEE No.2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." NOMINEE No.3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson.38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. NOMINEE No.4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer, demonstrating the safety of windows in adowntown Toronto skyscraper, crashed through a pane with his shoulder andplunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Gary Hoy, 39, fellinto the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday eveningas he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visitinglaw students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. NOMINEE No.5: [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in hisnear airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuersgot sick and one was hospitalized. NOMINEE No.6: [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on amurder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his smallTV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. NOMINEE NO.7: ["The Indianapolis Star"] A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. NOMINEE No.8: [AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death. NOMINEE No.9: [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him. NOMINEE No.10: [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, State Police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit theblasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "'I'll show you how to set it off." NOMINEE No.11: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a Birdfeeder on the balcony of his condominiumapartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. NOMINEE No.12: [UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, andwill be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, OR. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel wouldhave cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that if Robert had tried to pull the arrow out he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feelso dumb about this." NOMINEE No.13 The Calgary Sun Saturday, December 28, 1996 VANCOUVER (CP) A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match early yesterday, but when he stuffed it back in his pants, the gun went off. Police were called to the hospital after the man in his 20s was brought in by friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to survive. NOMINEE No.14: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On anovercast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded oneast-bound toward the White River bridge. After travelling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and strikinga tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those twowould admit how this accident happened", said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. Nominee No15: [unknown] it could be you next!! WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. ...................And, yes, Linda is a blonde. 
 STUPID ME thinking I could parasail.......... and notice I did not use any sun screen on my feet! Ok now for those who don't believe me. This is me in 1982 Yes I used to have an afro! One day while after taking a shower, I had towel dried my hair (usually blown dry) and was sitting on the couch in the living room watching the Mets game on tv when my mom walked in , took one look and said "RayJay, What did you do to your hair? Did you get a perm?" Puzzled I was like "what?" Thinking to myself why would a guy get a perm and why is she asking me? "What are you talking about?",I said . Then she told me to go look in the mirror. I was shocked at first but then thought cool! Now I have the Jeff Lynne look!(Jeff Lynne= lead singer from the Electric Light Orchestra) of course w/o the goatee. Of course when I joined bootcamp the whole thing got shaven off and nevcer again was my hair to grow this length or be curly. See! take a look for yourself 
This is funny! I can't remember who sent this to me but I almost died laughing.It's called "scratch'N'sniff" |