JOKES TO TICKLE YOUR FUNNY BONES!OR OFFEND YOU!!!!
UPDATED 26 JANUARY 2002
What's the difference between menstrual fluid and sand...?
YOU CAN'T GARGLE WITH SAND!!!!!!(right now you're saying to youself..."shit that's gross!")
APPOINTMENT
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear:
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
COMATOSSED
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and
tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happenned? to which the man replies:
"She choked."
LOVE RETURNS
A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When
they first got married the man said, "I am putting a
box under the bed. You must promise never to look in
it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary
curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid
and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer
bottles and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the
box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew
what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out at a special dinner at
their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman
could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed saying, "I am so sorry. For all these
years I kept my promise and never looked. However,
today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do
you keep the bottles in the box?"
The man thought
for a while and said, "I guess after all these
wonderful years you deserve to know the truth."
"Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer
bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not
to do it again."
The woman was shocked but said, "I
am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after
all those years away from home on the road,
temptation does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering
the years."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later the woman asked the man, "Why do
you have all that money in the box?" To which the
man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties,
I cashed them in."
Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone. . .
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half
mast?
They're hiring.
What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage,
along
with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins
'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..
HENRY FORD vs. GOD
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford,
"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the assembly line
for the automobile-changed
the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyoneyou want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,Himself."The
befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Ford to the Throne Room and
introduces him to God. Ford
then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much
and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes,and
waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. >
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford,
"but according to My Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.
It was just another Payday and I was tired of my boss, Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue. I approached her and whispered, "Hey Sweet-Tart, how would you like to Crunch on my Million Dollar Bar?"
She immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was pure Almond Joy!I couldn't resist grabbing her Mounds, because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Hot Tamales for me. I couldn't hold back my Snickers, so I slid my Butterfingers up her Kit Kat and she began screaming, "Oh Henry!" (And what a piece of Juicy Fruit she was!)
Soon, she was fondling my CornNuts and I knew it wouldn't be long
before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the Milky Way. I said, "Be a Lifesaver, take my Whatchamacallit and slip it into your Ho-Ho so I can give you a Bit 'O' Honey!"
I was ramming my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road, giving it to her Good'N'Plenty, when all of a sudden, my Starburst! As luck would have it, she started complaining of a Wrigley in her stomach! Nine months later,...out popped....Baby Ruth!
Have you ever just sat and wondered about some of the
great mysteries of our time? Ponder these finer
points of philosopy for a while....
1.Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
2.Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
3.Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?
4.Why does the drive-thru ATM have a braile keypad?
5.Why do liquor stores have drive-thrus at all?
6.Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations, where
smoking is prohibited?
7.If a store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week,
why does it have locks on the doors?
8.Why do noses run and feet smell?
9.If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick
to the pot?
10.You know that little indestructable black box that
is used on planes? Why don't they just make the whole plane out of
the
same material?
11.Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
12.If a cow laughs, does milk come out of his nose?
13.If you arrest a mime, do you tell him that he has
the right to remain silent?
14.If a parsley farmer declares bankruptcy, do they
garnish his wages?
15.Why are there flotation devices under the seats in
airplanes and not parachutes?
16.If you tied buttered toast onto the back of a cat
and dropped it from a height, how would it land?
17.What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
18.If Kentucky has five million people, why are there
only a dozen last names?
19.If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people
happy?
20.And if ignorance is bliss, then blondes MUST be
happy, but would they know it?
21.Why would someone fight their way to the top of the
food chain just to become a vegatarian?
22.To vacilate or not to vacilate, that is the
question.....or is it?
23.If women can have PMS, why can't men have ESPN?
24.Why do we say something is "out of whack"? What is
a whack anyway?
25.If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of
magnesia would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
26.What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
27.When someone ask you "A penny for your thoughts"
and you give them your two cents worth, where does
the other penny go?
28.If people from Poland are called "Poles", why
aren't people from Holland call "Holes"?
29.Why is it that when someone says that there are a
billion stars in the universe, you believe them but
if the tell you that a wall has wet paint you have
to touch it to be sure?
30.Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
31."I am" is reportedly the shortest sentance in the
English language. Could it be that "I do" is the
longest?
32.Remember, half of the people in the world are below
average.
33.Now that another Mayor Dailey is running Chicago,
is the new slogan on their license plates....
"Illinois....The Land of the Voting Dead"?
34.A fool and his money throw one heck of a party!
35.Have you ever felt like you married "Miss Right"
but forgot to notice that "Always" was her last
name?
36.FOR SALE--Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
37.And remember, Jesus DOES love you! It's the rest
of us that think you are an idiot
RANDOM ONELINERS
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If Progress Means To Move Forward What Does Congress Mean?
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Politics - From The Words "Poly," Meaning "Many," And "Ticks," As In "Small, Bloodsucking Parasites"
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
He Who Dies With The Most Toys...Still Dies
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
Dyslexics Of The World - Untie!
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere