After we lost the baby, my eight-year old nephew, Ian, was withdrawn and sullen. He was having 'bad' dreams at night and getting into fights at school. It did not occur to anyone that there may be a tie between his behavior and the loss of his cousin, Ana. Then, one day while he was over, a conversation came up that will always stay with me.

Auntie Gloria, do you think Ana misses me?

After a bunch of “I don’t know’s” and more milk and cookies he finally admitted his true feelings. He was jealous of Ana and was scared he would not be special anymore. He thought Uncle Francisco & I would not have time for him and wished she was never in my tummy. And then when she went away and saw how much I cried, he knew he did something wrong.

I tried everything in my power to not cry but I couldn’t. As he spoke, welts of salty water ran down my face. He loved his ‘Tios’ (spanish for aunt and uncle) and that was why it hurt, maybe the attention would be taken away, he would not be number one anymore. We spoke about how thinking something or even feeling it, does not make it will happen. His feelings did not make Ana die nor did it make me feel sad or want to cry. It’s natural to feel jealous or upset when things are going to change. Sometimes, you can even feel happy but still sad and scared.

Before I could say much more, Ian wanted to go home. He had to see his mom and wanted to play with his new trucks. He said, "You know Gloria, I love Ana and I miss her. Do you think she will know how special she was and how happy I was to finally meet her?"

Children are sensitive to adult's feelings. They can sense when something is wrong. When children are close to either the deceased or the bereaved, our instinct may be to protect them from the hurt of the loss. This reaction is understandable, but it is not really best for the children. If there is no explanation, a child may feel anxious about the uncertainties he senses. He might interpret the unusual atmosphere in a totally wrong or frightening way.

Some have found comparisons helpful: to a broken toy which cannot be fixed or to a pet that has died. Some have simply explained that dead means "not breathing or moving ever again." A word of caution: children think very literally, so some comparisons may cause misconceptions or fears about death. These are some comparisons to avoid.

Children need to grieve, too. So it is appropriate and healthy to show your grief around your child. You are telling him it is okay to express feelings, whether anger, guilt, fear or tears. If your child sees people holding feelings inside, he will emulate and hold back his own grief feelings - a big burden for a small bearer. Support him in his expressions by understanding and accepting them.

While crying is good, play is also good therapy. Most children cannot handle long periods of grieving, so playing can get out some of the pentup energy and emotion. Do not be too surprised if misbehavior pops up. It may be that your child is expressing inner turmoil or is asking for attention. Discipline should not be neglected, but it should be applied with sensitivity.

Giving attention to your child's grief is important. If possible, spend time alone with your child to play or draw pictures or talk, it will help to express his hurt. You may need to assure him that he is not to blame for the death and that losing his sister/brother does not necessarily mean he will lose other important persons. This one to one sharing will save him from the harsh loneliness of coping alone.

Lastly, it is amazing how reselent child can be, and suprizingly, you find them helping you heal more than then the other way around. (Published and Distributed by BIBLE ADVOCATE PRESS - a Ministry of the CHURCH OF GOD - Contact cofgsd@denver.net)