~ Grief ~
Grief, I have met you,
and because of misunderstanding you,
I have almost allowed you to destroy my life.
I turned inward and saw nothing but loss;
I turned outward but couldn't forget what was missing.
I learned from you.
You taught me how to fight back.
How to return again and again from the depths
of pain that no one should go.
Most of all you cleared up
the misunderstanding I had of you.
You are me!
You are a natural extension of my love.
If I did not feel grief,
I would not have experienced love.
I will not be afraid of you again.
(author unknown: kindly borrowed from a beautiful & resouceful site by Ashli ).
There is no antedote or quick fix in dealing with loss. It seems the more you ignore your feelings or try and stuff it down, the harder (if that is even possible) it is to recover. But, there is a way to get through the grief, to become a better, stronger, more resilient person...not the same, but all the more wiser and loving. Here, are some suggestions that may help you through the first stage. ALL of your thoughts and feelings are credible and deserve validity. And more importantly, there is hope and YES, you will heal, it does get better, you will one day again be happy...but forever changed.
Healing Suggestions in Dealing with Grief
Physical Well-Being - Now more than ever, make your physical needs the number one priority in your life. Drink lots of water, limit your caffine in-take, sleep and take regular naps (try to stick to a schedule), and exercise. Even a simple walk several times a day can do wonders. More importantly, when you take care of your physical needs, you will have the strength and endurance to manage your emotional well-being.
Support Groups - There are several resources on the net as well as your local hospital (see the Publications & Organizations page). A support group can offer understanding and validation from "someone who knows" - for they share a similiar experience. Also, since everyone grieves differently or is a a different stage, it is a great source to learn how others have coped as well as a forum to vent and share your feelings.
This was a number one source for our healing as well as keeping our marriage together. Many groups are for couples. It is a great way to learn how to help eachother as well as discover how the other thinks, feels, reacts, and responds. More importantly, as a couple, you learn that your are not alone and every thought & feeling you have, has already been experienced.
Personal Counseling - Though not for everyone, this was a life saver for me. Going for counseling was a unique way of getting through the loss and shaping the healing process. It was not a sign of weakness nor a signal that I must be really nuts, just the oppisite. I learned so much about myself and the gift baby Ana gave us. Try it for three sessions, by then you will know if it is something for you or not.
Medication - taking medication can be quite helpful. Antidepressants are not happy pills nor will they take anything away from you. What medication may do is take the edge off your sadness and depression. Consider it like a coping tool that you are in control off, deciding how much or little and when you want to stop taking it. I know several people who have taken medication during a ruff period in their lives. It gave them an avenue to heal and deal with all their thoughts without feeling like they were 'going nuts'. All it is, is an option, consider it. You can always say no. And taking medication will NOT alter or take away any of your memories or pain. It will, however, help you to cope and get through the ruff times.
Organizations & Resources - Please see our reference page listed below. There are so many good websites and organizations out there. It is so helpful to read and share your story. It is comforting to know that any and all the feelings you have, are something that a parent has already experienced. It is essential that you know you are not alone. It may feel a little isolating at time, for most can not understand your loss. Many organizations have a great wealth of literature and information. PenPals is a way to meet someone with you similiar type of loss via snail mail.
Get Away - Shortly after the death of Ana, Francisco & I went away for a week. We went to a warm climate in a resort that took care of our every need. This time together was extremely healing, being away grounded our relationship, and more importantly we had a chance to celebrate both Ana's life & death alone and together.
Keep a Journal - Write, write and then write some more. Even if the dreams do not make sense or you are feeling so crazy that these thoughts can not possibly be your own. Write it out. Journaling can give you prespective. It can help to get to know youself again and work on NOT trying to stuff down the grief. I took the journal to counseling and we would go through it piece by piece, just likes Ana's little life.
The Combination Theory - Especially at the beginning, I found there was no single thing that helped me but a combination of resources. This way, I had all my bases covered so to speak. The week I did not go to counseling was the week we went to the support group. And while friends & family went back to work, the combination of the Internet, Books, Praying, and Journaling all helped. It did not take the pain away, but I learned to live with it. I am still learning....
Dealing with Anger - A great artile from M.I.S.S. (Mothers In Sympathy & Support) titled Anger as an Accessory .
Holidays - A Christian based site dealing with neonatal and child loss, Hannah's Prayer, has several articles for Getting through Holidays & Landmark Days. Another great article from M.I.S.S., Dealing With The Holidays (Birthdays, X-Mas, Halloween, etc). I also have a page with some tips that is listed below.
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