Surviving the Holidays
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Respect your limitations
and honor your feelings...
it's confusing and sometimes overwhelming
to know how you feel or how to
react in every situation...
so carry this little secret
in the back pocket of your mind...
respect your limitations & honor your feelings...



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A LETTER TO MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS

The following idea for a letter to family and friends could be used either in its entirety or just in part to your own family and friends. It is written looking for understanding during the holidays but could be could be modified for use at any time of the year.

Dear Family and Friends:

Thank you for not expecting too much from us this holiday season. The absence of our child when the "whole family" gathers seems to accentuate our incomplete family. It is difficult to cope with the "spirit" of the holidays on the radio, TV, in the newspapers and stores. We will need the patience and understanding of our family and friends to help us through the holidays as best we can.

Our family traditions may be too painful for us to continue this year. We may want to change the way we spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Hanukkah. Please understand this and maybe some time in the future we will have these traditions again. Whatever our thoughts are for coping with the day, please take our feelings into consideration when you make your plans.

Please allow us to talk about our child, if we feel a need. Perhaps the single most helpful thing you can do for us is to include our child in the holidays. We want to hear his/her name, to have you recall fond memories of their lives, to know that you, too, are feeling their absence and remembering them with love.

As we work through our grief, we will need your patience and support, especially during these holiday times and the "special" days throughout the year.

Thank you for not expecting too much from us this holiday season.

Love...a bereaved parent/family

From Healing Hearts for Bereaved Parents



1. Family get togethers may be extremely difficult. Be honest with each other about your feelings. Sit down with your family and decide what you want to do for the holiday season. Don't set expectations to high for yourself on the day. Do only what each family member is able to handle comfortably.

2. There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may choose to change them. It may help to do things just a little differently. What you choose to do the first year, you don't have to do the next.

3. Be careful of "should" - it is better to do what is most helpful for you and your family. If a situation looks especially difficult over the holidays, try not to get involved.

* * * *

4. Set limitations. Do the things that are special and important to you. Do the best that you can.

5. Once you have made the decision on how you and your family will handle the holidays, let friends and relatives know.

6. Baking and cleaning the house can get out of proportion. If these chores are enjoyable, go ahead, but not to the point that it is tiring.

7. Emotionally, physically and psychologically it is draining. You need every bit of strength. Try and rest, mediate, journal, and drink lots of water and walk!

* * * *

8. One possibility for the first year may be to visit relatives, friends or even go away on vacation. Planning, packing, etc. keeps your mind somewhat off the holiday and you share the time in a different and hopefully less painful setting.

9. How do you answer - Have a happy holiday? You may answer "I'll try" or "best wishes to you" You may think of MANY answers that you don't verbalize.

10. If you are accustomed to having dinner at your home, change and go to a relatives; or change the time. Preparing a large meal and activities and get your mind busy. Serving buffet style and/or eating in a different room may help.

11. Try attending Christmas services at a different time and/or church.

* * * *

12. Some people fear crying in public. Try not to push the tears down. Be gentle with yourself and try not to set high expections of yourself. Let go and cry, the release will feel better. It should not ruin the day for the other family members - in fact it will probably provide them with the same freedom.

13. Share your concerns, feelings, apprehensions, etc. as the holiday approaches with a friend or relative. Tell them that this is a difficult time for you. Accept their help. You will appreciate their love and support at this time. And you will be helping them too, giving and receiving are all part of the healing process.

18. Holidays often magnify feelings of loss of a loved one. It is important and natural to experience the sadness that comes.

* * * *

19. Often after the first year, the people in your life may expect you to "be over it". We are NEVER "over it", but the experience of many bereaved is that eventually they enjoy the holidays again. Hold on to hope.

20. Don't forget: Anticipation of any holiday is usually much worse then the actual holiday.

From Pen-Parents of Canada - feel free to print this page
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