This information has been provided by SANDS and was extremely helpful, especially after we had just lost the baby.
INITIALLY....
As time passes those initial feelings of confusion and shock often turn to further confusion, distress, and sometimes rage. After the loss of a baby, father's grief is often overlooked. Frequently it is assumed that fathers do not feel as much grief because, unlike mothers, they have usually had little physical contact with the baby. Her feelings of loss are usually better accepted, though only for a short period of time. Time and again, we are told how surprising it takes to grief, it is always longer then the loved ones in our lives think.
But fathers do grieve. The loss of a baby is a life-changing event. Many change their values after this experience. Whether you had much contact or not, this baby was also your child - part of any dreams for the future. Grief is a natural and healthy response to loss and is NOT managed by being ignored or avoided. Many men feel much more emotion than they think they should show. Some try to block out these feelings by working harder or doing more - finding ways to stop themselves dwelling on sad thoughts. Unfortunately this will only postpone grieving. Some fathers seem to suppress their grief until their partner is coping better. At this later stage it is more difficult to express their feelings openly as fewer supports are available. Reactions can then be complex, confused and prolonged.
EXPECTATIONS....
When a baby dies, a father may expect or is expected to support and console his partner. Some fathers may feel their own sadness must be suppressed in order to provide support. However sharing your sadness is a form of support and consolation. Protecting your partner from the pain of her grief may add problems for you both. Coping with a partner's crying can trigger feelings of inadequacy and helplessness in a man, but distracting your partner from her grief can indicate that you want her grief over and done with. This may trigger misunderstanding and resentment. Some couples expect that they can be sufficient support for each other. Although this may be so for a time, it is unlikely always to be the case. Man parents have found it helpful to seek support outside the family. Not surprisingly, many of these reactions may affect the relationship between partners.
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* Although it may be difficult, do try to be open with your partner about your feelings.
* Accept her feelings and reactions and avoid pushing her in any way.
Don't expect her to give you all the support you need right now. Find a friend or relative who has time to listen. Talking with other fathers who have had a similar loss can be very helpful.
Those couples who can share their feelings and thoughts and support each other find this is a time that can enrich their relationship. This shared loss seems to bring them closer together, making it easier to bear.
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* Be patient with each other and show your love in other ways, trusting that the loving and sexual feelings will return.
* Should any problems not improve with time, do seek professional help.
RECOMMENDATIONS
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* Take time to make decisions - give yourself time to get accurate information and don't be afraid to ask questions.
* Acknowledge your grief - a special friend, work colleague or another person, especially one who has experienced loss, may provide valuable support.
* Express your grief in a way that suits you - many find it helpful to write down their feelings and thoughts in poetry, songs or by spending time in the garden. Some cry a great deal, others very little or not at all.
* Be patient - with yourself and your partner. Remember that grief takes time.
* Accept your partner's grief - it will most likely be different from yours.
* Communicate with your partner - try to share your feelings and make joint decisions. Make time to do some special things together.
* Seek other resources - SANDS provides and can recommend more written material and also provides personal and group contact resources.
* Don't be afraid to ask for practical support - for childcare, domestic help or professional support.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES AND INFORMATION
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For additional Articles, Please click HERE
The InterNational Council on Infertility Dissemination INCIDD
Hannah's Prayer
Stop the Junk Mail - get your name off the baby mailing lists and telemarkers. Send a postcard to the following address stating you would like your name removed from ALL their lists:
Mail Preference Service
Direct Marketing Association
PO Box 9008
Farmingdale, NY 11735-9008
Resource Pages Links and Books & Publications
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