You Might Be A Redneck If....
![[IMAGE]](hillbilly.jpg)
....your last name is "Gardino"!
A Redneck May Have Been on Your Computer If....
....your computer monitor is up on blocks.....your outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
....the six front keys on your keyboard have rotted out.
....the extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
....the numeric keypad only goes up to six.
....the password is "Bubba".
....the CPU has a gun rack mount.
....there is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
....the keyboard is camouflaged.
....if you refer to the mouse as a "critter".
Technology for Country Folk
02. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
03. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
04. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
05. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
06. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
07. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
08. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
09. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all".
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
Redneck Love Poem
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
You May Be A Redneck If....
01. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
02. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
03. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
04. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
05. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
06. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
07. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
08. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
09. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
10. You've ever been arrested for loitering.
11. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
12. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
13. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
14. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
15. You own a homemade fur coat.
16. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
17. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
18. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
19. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
20. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
21. There is a wasp nest in your living room.
22. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
23. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
24. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
25. You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
26. You consider a six-pack of Pepsi and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
27. Fewer than half of your cars run.
28. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
29. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
30. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
31. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
32. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
33. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
34. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
35. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
36. You're an expert on worm beds.
37. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
38. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
39. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
40. You haul more than U-Haul.
41. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
42. There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
43. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
44. Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
45. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
46. The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
47. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
48. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
49. You've ever financed a tattoo.
50. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
51. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
52. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
53. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
54. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
55. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
56. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
57. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
58. You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
59. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
60. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
61. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
62. None of your shirts cover your stomach.
63. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
64. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the
front ones.
65. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
66. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
67. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
68. Birds are attracted to your beard.
69. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
Institute.
70. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
71. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
72. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
73. Bikers back down from your momma.
74. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
75. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
76. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
77. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
78. You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
79. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
80. You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
81. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same...they're a redneck too!).
82. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
83. You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
84. You clean your nails with a stick.
85. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Where would you like to go now?
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