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| Thoughts From Kelly - Helping Moms After the Loss of a Baby |
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| Moms That Have Experienced a 'Still Birth' Need Special Support |
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| Lately, I have been giving a great deal of thought to the mothers among us that have experienced a perinatal loss, or a "still birth"of their child. I have received many heartbreaking letters from these moms, and our Guest Books (where mothers share their stories) have had many entries about this as well.
At FGM, I have talked with moms of just about every age and background, from countries all over the world. These mothers lost children in countless ways: illness, accident, suicide, murder, overdose, stillbirth, the list goes on and on. But right now, I’d like to give some much-needed attention to the moms whose children were born ’sleeping’. These moms suffer an additional sorrow in the grieving process - That of limited time for memories. When they think about their child, they have no "well of memories" to draw from. Theirs is a grief combined with the deep sorrow of "missed experiences". These moms never had the opportunity to see their child smile, to hear their voice, many never even got to see them open their eyes. It can be especially difficult for these moms because people around her might actually view the loss of this child "differently" than they would if the child had been older. They forget that mothers fall in love with their babies the second we realize they exist. People forget that this mother had nine months of feeling her child grow and move and kick. Nine months of rubbing her belly and talking to her baby. Why people make the mistake that more time = more love, I don’t know. These moms love their babies just as much as ANY mother loves their child. Having her baby die at birth does NOT make a mother love them less! She feels the same pain she would if the child had been 5 or 10, 15 or 20! If you are someone close to a mom that’s going through this, remember that fact. It will help you to understand her pain. These Moms cherish small reminders of their child. Things like ultrasound pictures, a blanket that actually touched the baby, hospital cards, etc., take on great importance. Robbed of the opportunity to create memories with their child, these are the things that say - My child was REAL. My child existed. My child was a part of me. This is especially important, because (with a still birth) some people around the mom may actually try to "minimize" what has happened, mistakenly believing that this will help the mother in some way. Nothing could be further from the truth. Inevitably, the mom will encounter certain people that will speak like this pregnancy "didn’t count" somehow. That this child she loved "didn’t count" because after all, the child never quite "got here", so she never really got a chance to bond with it. Completely ridiculous of course, but you know as well as I do, some "good-intentioned" person will convince themselves that referring to her baby as "the loss" or "the miscarriage" will somehow lessen the mother’s sorrow. God save us from the "good intentions" of others........ For a mom whose child was stillborn, she goes to the hospital prepared to become a "Mommy". Everyone around her is excited, nine months of waiting is finally over. Despite her labor pains, she is excited too, anticipating the thrill of taking her baby home, and all the wonderful things to come. We all remember what that felt like--- every mother in the world remembers those moments. But then…… Something goes terribly wrong. Suddenly, everything has changed. All those dreams, all the plans, the excitement, all gone in an instant. She is in the hospital. She knows she’s had a baby. She feels like a mommy. Nothing going on around her is making any sense. Who are these people giving her this horrible news? Her arms feel so empty. This Mom must now somehow accept that her baby will not be coming home with her…because her baby has died. I can’t think of anything more tragic in the world. If you have a friend or loved one who’s child was born "asleep", you are probably saying to yourself -- I feel nervous around her now. How should I act? Is it proper to still treat her like a "mother" if her baby didn’t survive? Wouldn’t that be "reminding" her of her loss? Does it hurt her feelings when people mention the baby? Should I try to change the subject and get her mind off it? Should I try to treat this as "just a miscarriage", would that help her? Should I not mention the baby at all, would that be better? First and foremost remember that she loved this baby as much as any mother loves her child, no matter WHAT their age, Realize that time does not dictate how much love a mother feels. She fell in love with that baby nine months ago. They are already bonded....forever. If you remember these things, your questions should become easier. Follow her lead. If she talks about her baby, don’t change the subject. That is the most hurtful thing that people do. People frequently did that to me after I lost my son. If I mentioned him, they somehow thought that changing the subject was "sparing my feelings". Of course, they were really sparing themselves of having to feel awkward or helpless if I showed any grief. Be brave, this mom needs you. If you want to help this grieving mother, understand that the biggest part of getting through grief is actually talking about the loss. Without talking, all that pain gets locked inside. As we talk about at FGM, grief will find a way out. If you are not allowed to get it out through normal conversation, it will manifest in less healthy ways. Depression, suicidal thoughts, substance abuse, etc, can all be the result of repressed grief. Talking is so important for healing, I just cannot stress this enough. Don’t force her of course, but DO be available if she mentions her child. Don’t stare at your shoes, look at her and listen. DO tell her that you are sorry, DO tell her that she has a right to feel sad and/or angry, Do tell her that she can talk to you about anything and you will listen. If you say it, mean it. Trust me, she will remember forever the people that were willing to listen when she needed to talk. If the baby’s father is in the picture, do not neglect him either. He has just had his child die as well. He too was in love with this baby and will need the support of others. He has the "double whammy" put on him of having to support his wife through her grief, as well as feeling his own pain. Be supportive of both parents. Give the father a chance to grieve as well. Don’t force him into a position of having to "guard" his wife all the time from the insensitive words of others. Do not make him a "middle man". What I mean is that grief brings out all sorts of emotions in people. Certain family members may not take the death of the child well. Some people feel they need to "blame" someone. Sad, but true. This father is grieving. Don’t make him listen to criticisms, etc. Just because he is the man, don’t make him the person everyone goes to "to vent". You know what I mean. Be compassionate. Don’t play the blame game. Be assured that these parents are already beating themselves up enough without any help from you. (Even though I could not have prevented my son’s death, I still created ways in my mind to blame myself. It took a very long time for those feelings to subside). Be kind. It was nobody’s fault. It was a tragedy. Ok, so you want to help. Here are some nice things that you can do that will validate her feelings. You could purchase the mom a photo album or blank book. If you are crafty, you could decorate it perhaps with her child’s name, etc. If you are a writer, you could even compose a little poem about the child and put it on the first page, to signify that this is "Baby’s Name’s" book. If you are not especially poetic, you could even decorate the first page with little cutouts and the baby’s name. anything that says this is her baby’s book. You could suggest that she add little mementos to it...cards she received, hospital cards, baby bracelets, the baby’s picture if they took one, poems she might write for the child, etc. This says to the mother, we will not forget your child. We know this baby was here. We know your child was REAL and that you loved them. Something like this would mean a lot her, and give her way to do something special for her child. Here is something that a friend did for me when my son died that I found so thoughtful. If the funeral has not happened yet, you can purchase one of those "break apart" heart charms they sell in the jewelry dept. of many stores. The two halves of mine said "Me and / My Mommy". She gave it to me just before the funeral, along with the chains. One half of it was placed on my son, the other half stayed with me. It created a bond that he and I could share forever. I absolutely treasure my half of this "broken heart", knowing that my dear son will have the other half for eternity.. This is another important fact. The first part of grief is shock. That shock can last quite a long time. Many mothers report that the reality of what they’ve lost doesn’t even set in until months later. I can attest to this myself. So if six months have passed, do not assume that she is "all better" and has forgotten about what’s happened. Don’t make the mistake of assuming she has "moved on". This is the time when she will need friends more than ever. Be available. It is never too late to do something kind in rememberance of her baby. She hasn’t forgotten about it, trust me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hear from so many different moms, each having lost a child in different ways. I want to be able to offer information and support at this site to address the needs of these moms. I will be researching and adding pages on how to help and support the different mothers that visit us. Some have lost children to illness, suicide, violent crime, overdose, etc. Please bear with me as I work on it. I realize that each of us, while sharing this common experience, also have individual needs. People are effected differently by different types of events. A mother that has lost a child to suicide may need different support than a mother that has lost a child to murder, or to illness. This is what I mean. I will do my best to research and provide information to help address more specific needs. Bless you- Kelly |
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