Kamakazie Wood Pecker
Every morning for the past three days I've been awakened by
the sound of a woodpecker crashing into my bedroom window. He won't do it just
once, he'll keep raming at full speed over and over until I come near the
window to scare him away. He starts from a tree, does two ram runs, lands on
the tree, which is a whole five feet from the window, and then repeats.
I've tried putting tape on the window in an effort to show him there's
something there, but he just doesn't get it. I've tried banging on the window
from my side, but that just scares him away for an hour or so, just enough time
for me to get back to sleep.
Does anyone have an idea as to how to deal with this perpetual pecker problem?
(That one is actually mine folks)
A cowboy rode into town and
stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers,
which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been
stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air,
catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into
the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled
with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK
OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I
DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He
saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before
you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Actual epitaphs from gravestones
...
> >> >
> >> > On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery,
Nova
> Scotia:
> >> > Here lies
> >> > Ezekial Aikle
> >> > Age 102
> >> > The Good
> >> > Die Young.
> >> >
> >> > In a London, England cemetery:
> >> > Ann Mann
> >> > Here lies Ann Mann,
> >> > Who lived an old maid
> >> > But died an old Mann.
> >> > Dec. 8, 1767
> >> >
> >> > In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
> >> > Anna Wallace
> >> > The children of Israel wanted bread
> >> > And the Lord sent them manna,
> >> > Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
> >> > And the Devil sent him Anna.
> >> >
> >> > Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
> >> > Here lies
> >> > Johnny Yeast
> >> > Pardon me
> >> > For not rising.
> >> >
> >> > Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
> >> > Here lies the body
> >> > of Jonathan Blake
> >> > Stepped on the gas
> >> > Instead of the brake.
> >> >
> >> > In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
> >> > Here lays Butch,
> >> > We planted him raw.
> >> > He was quick on the trigger,
> >> > But slow on the draw.
> >> >
> >> > A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
> >> > Sacred to the memory of
> >> > my husband John Barnes
> >> > who died January 3, 1803
> >> > His comely young widow, aged 23, has
> >> > many qualifications of a good wife, and
> >> > yearns to be comforted.
> >> > (ed: guess they did not have personnal ads then)
> >> >
> >> > A lawyer's epitaph in England:
> >> > Sir John Strange
> >> > Here lies an honest lawyer,
> >> > And that is Strange.
> >> >
> >> > Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
> >> > I was somebody.
> >> > Who, is no business
> >> > Of yours.
> >> >
> >> > Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco,
Arizona
> in
> >> the
> >> > cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill
Cemetry in
> >> > Tombtone, Arizona:
> >> > Here lies Lester Moore
> >> > Four slugs from a .44
> >> > No Les No More.
> >> >
> >> > In a Georgia cemetery:
> >> > "I told you I was sick!"
> >> >> >> > John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:
> >> > Reader if cash thou art
> >> > In want of any
> >> > Dig 4 feet deep
> >> > And thou wilt find a Penny.
> >> >
> >> > On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond,
Virginia:
> >> > She always said her feet were killing her
> >> > but nobody believed her.
> >> >
> >> > In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
> >> > On the 22nd of June
> >> > - Jonathan Fiddle -
> >> > Went out of tune.
> >> >
> >> > Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an
epitaph that
> >> sounds
> >> > like something from a Three Stooges movie:
> >> > Here lies the body of our Anna
> >> > Done to death by a banana
> >> > It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
> >> > But the skin of the thing that made her go.
> >> >
> >> > More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London,
England:
> >> > Gone away
> >> > Owin' more
> >> > Than he could pay.
> >> >
> >> > Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
> >> > In Memory of Beza Wood
> >> > Departed this life
> >> > Nov. 2, 1837
> >> > Aged 45 yrs.
> >> > Here lies one Wood
> >> > Enclosed in wood
> >> > One Wood
> >> > Within another.
> >> > The outer wood
> >> > Is very good:
> >> > We cannot praise
> >> > The other.
> >> >
> >> > On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
> >> > Under the sod and under the trees
> >> > Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
> >> > He is not here, there's only the pod:
> >> > Pease shelled out and went to God.
> >> >
> >> > The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost
a
> consumer
> >> tip:
> >> > Who was fatally burned
> >> > March 21, 1870
> >> > by the explosion of a lamp
> >> > filled with "R.E. Danforth's
> >> > Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
> >> >
> >> > Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
> >> > Born 1903--Died 1942
> >> > Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
> >> > the car was on the way down. It was.
> >> >
> >> > In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
> >> > Here lies an Atheist
> >> > All dressed up
> >> > And no place to go.
> >> >
> >> > In a cemetary in England:
> >> > Remember man, as you walk by,
> >> > As you are now, so once was I,
> >> > As I am now, so shal you be,
> >> > Remember this and follow me.
> >> >
> >> > To which someone replied by writing on the tombstome:
> >> >
> >> > To follow you I'll not consent,
> >> > Until I know which way you went.
> >> >
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
> A. They take the psycho path.
>
> Q. How do you get holy water?
> A. Boil the hell out of it.
>
> Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
> A. "Dam!"
>
> Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
> A. Polaroids.
>
> Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
> A. Cell phones.
>
> Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
> A. A stick.
>
> Q. What do you call Santa's helpers?
> A. Subordinate Clauses.
>
> Q. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
> A. Quattro sinko.
>
> Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
> A. Spoiled milk.
>
> Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
> A. Frostbite.
>
> Q. What has four legs, is big, green, and fuzzy, and if it fell
> out of a tree would kill you?
> A. A pool table.
>
> Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
> A. A nervous wreck.
>
> Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
> A. Anyone can roast beef.
>
> Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
> A. Right where you left him.
>
> Q. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
> A. They all have phones.
>
> Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
> A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
>
> Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
> A. Because they have big fingers.
>
> Q. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
> thermometer?
> A. The taste.
>
> Q. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
> A. A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
>
> Q. What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
> A. They're hiring.
>
> Q. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
> A. Sanka.
< here are some actual label instructions on consumer
> goods:
>
> On Sears hairdryer:
> Do not use while sleeping.
> (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my
> hair!)
>
> On a bag of Fritos:
> You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
> Details inside.
> (The shoplifter special!)
>
> On a bar of Dial soap:
> Directions: Use like regular soap.
> (and that would be how?)
>
> On some Swann frozen dinners:
> Serving suggestion: Defrost.
> (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
>
> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
> Do not turn upside down.
> (printed on bottom of the box)
> (Too late! You lose!)
>
> On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
> Product will be hot after heating.
> (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
>
> On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
> Do not iron clothes on body.
> (But wouldn't that save more time?)
> (Whose body?)
>
> On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
> Do not drive car or operate machinery.
> (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
> construction accidents if we just
> kept those 5 year olds off those fork trucks
>
> On Nytol sleep aid:
> Warning: may cause drowsiness.
> (One would hope!)
>
> On a Korean kitchen knife:
> Warning keep out of children.
> (Or pets! What's for dinner?)
>
> On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
> For indoor or outdoor use only.
> (As opposed to use in outer space.)
> (Or underground?)
>
> On a Japanese food processor:
> Not to be used for the other use.
> (Now I'm curious.)
>
> On Sainsbury's peanuts:
> Warning: contains nuts.
> ( Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )
>
> On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
> Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
> ( DDDUUUHHH)
>
> On a Swedish chainsaw:
> Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
> genitals.
> (What is this, a home castration kit?)
>
> On a childs superman costume:
> Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
> (That's right, destroy a universal childhood
> fantasy!)>
>