Flying Around

> A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when
> an electrical malfunction disabled all of the
> aircraft's electronic navigation and communications
> equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot
> could not determine the helicopter's position and
> course to fly to the airport.
>
> The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
> circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in
> the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said
> "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
>
> People in the tall building quickly responded to
> the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a
> building window. Their sign read:
>
> "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
>
> The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,
> determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport,
> and landed safely.
>
> After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked
> the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign
> helped determine their position.
>
> The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the
> MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically
> correct, but completely useless answer."
>
> **************************************************************************
> **********
> A Bird and a Lady
>
> A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a
> parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to
> her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
>
> The lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
> On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her,
> "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
>
> She was incredibly ticked now.
>
> The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady,
> you are really ugly."
>
> The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said
> that she would sue the store and get rid the bird. The store
> manager apologized profusely and promised he would
> make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
>
> When the lady walked past the store that day after work
> the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
>
> She paused and said, "Yes?"
>
> The bird said, "You know."
>

----- Original Message -----
From: "Joe & Janis Spina" <joe_janis@phd-computers.com>
To: "Janis - PHD" <therealmccoy@phd-computers.com>
Sent: Tuesday, January 04, 2000 11:37 AM
Subject: Thank God!!!


> There's this guy who had been lost and
> walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.
> One hot day, he sees the home of a
> missionary. Tired and weak,
> he crawls up to the house and collapses
> on the doorstep. The missionary
> finds him and nurses him back to health.
> Feeling better, the man asks the
> missionary for directions to the nearest
> town. On his way out the
> backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes
> back into the house and asks the
> missionary, "Could I borrow your horse
> and give it back when I reach the town?"
> The missionary says, "Sure but there is
> a special thing about this horse.
> You have to say 'Thank God' to make it
> go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
> Not paying much attention, the man says,
> "Sure, ok." So he gets On the
> horse and says, "Thank God" and the
> horse starts walking. Then he says,
> "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse
> starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the
> man say, "Thank God, thank God, thank
> God, thank God, thank God" and the
> horse just takes off. Pretty soon he
> sees this cliff coming up and he's doing
> everything he can to make the horse
> stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"
> Finally he remembers,"Amen!!"
> The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.
> The man leans back in the
> saddle says, "Thank God".
>

Dr. Seuss Computer Instructions :

If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy
disk abort,Then the socket packet pocket has an
error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a
dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your
window in the trash, And your data is corrupted
'cause the index doesn't hash. Then your
situation's hopeless and your system's gonna
crash!

You can't say this?
What a shame, sir!
We'll find you
another game, sir!

If the label on the cable on the table at your
house, Says the network is connected to the button
on the mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on
another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by
the printer down the hall, And your screen is all
distorted by the side affects of Gauss, So your
icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a
bang,'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's
gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on
the disk, And the microcode instructions cause
unnecessary RISC. Then you have to flash your
memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly
turn off the computer and be sure to tell your
mom!

Author Unknown

although I belive it was digidragon

Dear Customer

A (supposedly) TRUE BURGLAR STORY
>From a 1985 Mexican newspaper.

Yesterday a burglar died from a heart attack when he entered a home
in the pedregal area (Upper class zone in Mexico city). The owner of
the house, a middle age lady, was alone at the time. She said she
had just applied a beauty treatment of yogurt, avocado and cucumbers
when she heard noises in the house. Since she was alone, she became
terrorized when she realized that a stranger was in her home and she
tried to hide in her closet. However, as she closed the door, she
hit her nose with the door, which started to bleed. When the burglar
entered her room and opened the closet door, she started yelling.
Perhaps the sight of a person with a pale green face and bleeding
nose was too much for the burglar because he died instantly.

Antonio Oliveros
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
DON'T USE DYNAMITE

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to burgle
the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a
note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked.
Just turn the knob."

He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire
premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the
police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My
confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

> A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and
> asks for the loan
> > officer.
> > > She says she's going to Europe on business for
> two weeks and needs to
> > borrow
> > > $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will
> need some kind of
> > security for
> > > the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to
> a new Rolls Royce
> > parked on
> > > the street in front of the bank.
> > >
> > > Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to
> accept the car as
> > collateral
> > > for the loan. The bank's president and its
> officers all enjoy a good
> > laugh
> > > at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as
> collateral against a
> > $5,000
> > > loan.
> > >
> > > An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive
> the Rolls into the
> > bank's
> > > underground garage and parks it there. Two
> weeks later, the blonde
> > returns,
> > > repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes
> to $15.41. The loan
> > officer
> > > says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
> business, and this
> > > transaction has worked out very nicely, but we
> are a little puzzled.
> > While
> > > you were away, we checked you out and found
> that you are a
> > multimillionaire.
> > > What puzzles us is, why would you bother to
> borrow $5,000?"
> > >
> > > The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can
> I park my car for two
> > weeks
> > > for only $15.41?"
> > >
> > > Finally, a smart blonde.
>

Clipped from newspapers:

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
"intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance
package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,
shouting to please come out and give himself up.

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper
then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension
under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey
Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump
higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three
days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann
reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy, not to be confused with
the "zero-intelligence" policy.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that
destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly
installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last
year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole
my new security system."

A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons,
2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours
until police showed up and grabbed him.

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police
station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly
asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he
claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had
drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power
drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough
to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According
to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend
their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and
painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the
incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the
views. Trips to the moon also available. "Authorities believe that the
con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his
college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many
business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all
this may not have happened."

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack
designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The
robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was
running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said
police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his
pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?"
the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her
husband!"

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger
to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his
pocket.

Pagan Humor:

>>From: ScarletHarlot
>>Q--How many Gardnerians does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--"Sorry, that's a Third Degree mystery."
>> A--"Why do you want to know...Initiate?"
>> A--"Hmph, that's the Maiden's job!"
>>
>> Q--How many Alexandrians does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--"Let's go see how the Gardnerians do it!"
>> A--Thirteen; a High Priestess to change the bulb, and 12 coven members to hold her up under all that jewelry!

>>Q--How many British Traditional Witchess does it take to change a light bulb?
A--Thirteen; one to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the old bulb's passing.

>> Q--How many Dianic women does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--One, and it's not funny, dammit!
>> A--"That's W-I-M-M-I-N, and it's not funny!"
>> Q--How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--None; Thelemites embrace the dark as well as the light.
>> A--None; real Thelemites aren't afraid of the dark!
>> A--None; Crowley never wrote a book about it.

>>Q--How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--501; one to change the bulb, and 500 to align the new stone.
>> A--Six; one to change the bulb, one to write a song about how much better the old bulb was, and four to write conflicting parodies of the second Druid's song.
>> Q--How many Fam-Trad Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--"Candlelight was good enough for our ancestors; it's good enough for us!"
>> A--"Go ask your own Grandmother!"
>>Q--How many Starhawk Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
>>A--"There are starving villagers in Africa who don't even HAVE lightbulbs!"
>> A--"When you have enough self-esteem, you won't need to change the bulb!"
>> Q--How many Solitary Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--(Drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious.)
>>Q--How many Erisians does it take to change a light bulb?
>>A--How many have we got?
>> Q--How many Frost "School of Wicca" Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--"Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195, we'll send you our complete 'Witches Secret Power of Light Bulb Changing Course' with real knowledge that you can apply to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin..."
>>Q--How many Discordians does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--Five tons.
>> Q--How many Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--Four; one for each direction. >> Q--How many members of IOT does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--"Sorry, that ritual is copyrighted."
>> Q--How many Proteans does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--"I can't tell you; we never change a bulb the same way twice!"
>> Q--How many Buckland Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--"Refer to my second book, Practical Light Bulb Changing."
>> Q--How many Tantrics does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--Two, as long as the lamp is near the bed!

>> Q--How many Ceremonial Magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--One; he holds up the light bulb and the world revolves around him.
>> Q--How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--"What do you want it changed into?"
>> Q--How many Kitchen Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--"The light bulb's already been changed."

>> Q--How many Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--Six; one to change the bulb, and 5 to sit around complaining about how, "Light bulbs never burned out before the Christians came along!"
>> Q--How many shamans does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--None; they shapeshift into a cat or a bat, and can see in the dark.
>> Q--How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--Two; one to change the bulb, and one to not change it.
>>Q--How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--None; the Universe changes the bulb, and the Zen Master stays the hell out of the way!
>>Q--How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb?
>>A--"Like, we don't use light bulbs; we just think happy thoughts at our quartz crystals until they glow!"
>> Q--How many Asatru does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A--None; the light from the burning monasteries is enough!

When the Florida election committee couldn’t figure our who was going to be the next president, The Queen of England sent us this:

| NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

|To the citizens of the United States of America: |
|
|In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we|
|hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Britannic |
|Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and |
|other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt Hon.|
|Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world |
|outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further |
|elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next |
|year to determine whether any of you noticed. |

|To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced |
|with immediate effect: |
|
|1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium".|
|Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been |
|pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up |
|"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"|
|and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up |
|"interspersed". |
| |
| |
|2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. |
|3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that |
|hard.
|4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. |
|5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after |
|fully carrying out the task We would not want you to get confused and give up half way |
|through. |6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you |
|refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that |
|there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" |
|football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. |
|Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you|
|brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football",|
|but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body |
|armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. |
| |
| |
|7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any |
|merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should |
|count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for |
|"s**t". |
|
|8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but |
|only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". |
|
|9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we |
|show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. |
|
|10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. |

|Thank you for your cooperation. |
|

Or maybe it was this one she penned herself:

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America:
In the light of the failure to elect anybody as President ofl the United
States and thus to govern yourselves, and by extension, the free world, we hereby
give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey, but
excluding Utah which she doesn't fancy.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the
following acts:

1. Look up "revocation" in the now official Oxford Dictionary ($75). Start
spelling English words correctly (like honour and aluminium).
2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save the Queen".
3. Start referring to "soccer" as football.
4. Declare war on Quebec and France.
5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason.
6. Close down the NFL. Learn to play rugby.
7. Enjoy warm beer and steak and kidney pie.
8. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not tell you
their names before you eat.
9. July 4th is no longer a public holiday; this has been replaced by November
5th.
10. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6
weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.
11. Driving on the left is now compulsory-recall all cars to effect the
change.
12. Report to our Consulate General in NY-M Wragg for your passport and
job allocation.
13. Have Meg Ryan report to Prince Andrew's bedchamber.
14. Add the Royal inisgnia to the top of the Washington Monument-and the
Queen's Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.
15. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the
National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Welcome to the Commonwealth, thank you for your cooperation and have a
nice day.

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