100 Zany Ways to Phone In a Pizza Order
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while
ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop
doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had
this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the
other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise
me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the garbage
about nutrition and ask if they have something
outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST
FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song
from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell
them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy
bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If
phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave
as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If
they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic
and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her
to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as
toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal
pattern as follows from an equation you are about to
dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere.
Say "Bed-Wetters'Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little
later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it
right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up
to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say
yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni."
Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they
say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some
explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof
that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and
ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your
lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the
mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the
top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza
is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh,
you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if
the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for
your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about
country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie
people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this
pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your
dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen
of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself,
and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them,
and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start
fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a
Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say
you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his
supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and
"Jesus, Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I
shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza
Place), Take 1, and... action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a
little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds
throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on
the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and
saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this
relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a
pizza." Make up a description to go with the term.
Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the
phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to
your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza,
include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop
talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza.
Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't
take any garbage from some two-bit can't-hack-it
pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code
on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When
asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered
with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make
the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang
up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly.
When it is repeated again, change it again. On the
third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that
sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say
"We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that
pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty.
Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it
at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't
mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing
loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet
is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is
punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour
to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call,
So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the
order taker...
100. ...Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me
do it."
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
FOOD FOR THOUGHT...
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