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Losing Something in Translation...
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In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you
will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should
enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor.
Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of
9&11 am daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel for skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of
ascension.
On a menu in a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in
the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in
the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
In a Bangkok cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Hong Kong dress shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers
in strict rotation.
From the Soviet weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic
painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have
thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the porter.
In Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of
different sex, for instance, men & women, live together in one tent
unless they are married for that purpose.
An ad by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this
variation has
been played.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here & spend the afternoon having a good
time.
In a Czech tourist agency:
Take one of our horse driven tours---we guarantee no miscarriages.
Ad for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride your own ass?
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin.
On a box of a clockwork toy in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop---Drive sideways.
Swiss mountain inn:
Special today--no ice cream.
Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.
Tokyo bar:
Special cocktail for the ladies with nuts.
Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it
to the guard on duty.
Office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find that they are best in
the long run.
Japanese instructions on an air conditioner:
Cooles & Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.
Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle
him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking;
Here speeching American.
On the box of a Vietnamese laughing tip-toy:
Can't invert with laugh
The laugh begin. you are youthful
Automatize
As poke as shaky as shaky as laugh
During the use. open the lid of top and take two cells (NO. 5) in the
box. If you want to stop laugh or don't use for a long time. you must
take out the cells (This seller have no cells)
A sign on the lion cage at a zoo in the Czech Republic:
No smoothen the lion
A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire:
If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.
Points to Ponder
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears in sign language, does his mother wash his hands
with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
If he kills himself, is it murder or suicide?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might
clean them?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
The Canonical List of Outrageous Country/Western Song
Titles/Lines
"Oh, Lord! It's Hard to be Humble When You're Perfect in Every Way"
"Please Bypass This Heart"
"She Got the Gold Mine, and I Got the Shaft"
"She Got the Ring, I Got the Finger."
"She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty"
"She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without."
"Swing Wide Your Gate of Love"
"Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone"
The Canonical List of Outrageous Country/Western Song Titles/Lines
"I Been Roped and Throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral."
"I Can't Love Your Body if Your Heart's Not In It"
"I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling."
"I Fell In A Pile Of You, And Got Love All Over Me"
"I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart."
"I Meant Every Word That He Said"
"I Would Have Writ You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yecch!"
"I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win"
|
Irish
Disaster -24/11/99 > > Finding one of her students making faces at others > on the playground, > Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. > Smiling sweetly the > teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was > told if I made ugly > faces I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked > up and replied, > "Well you can't say you weren't warned." |
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