Things you would never know without the movies...
...All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
...If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
...All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside her.
...All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
Bread.
...It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.
...Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba
diving.
...The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you
can travel to any other part of the building you want without
difficulty.
...If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
...You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back
home.
...Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
...If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or
his forthcoming art exhibition.
...The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
...A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
...When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out
a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be
the exact fare.
...Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
...If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
...Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning even though their husband and children never have time
to eat it.
...Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
...The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or
give him 48 hours to finish the job.
...A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of
RFK Stadium.
...Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
...Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
...It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations.
...Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.
...All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
...It is always possible to park directly outside the building you
are visiting.
...A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.
...It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack
you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you
have knocked out their predecessors.
...When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they
will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
...No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
...Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.
...When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.
...You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
...Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds
- unless it's the door to a burning buildiing with a child trapped
inside.
...Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at that precise moment.
Credit given to,
Rev. David A. Donsky
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a
US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October
1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE
FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
> McDonald's Fast Food Job Application:
> >
> > This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's
> > fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!
> >
> >
> > NAME: Greg Bulmash
> >
> > DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available.
> > If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in
> the
> > first place.
> >
> > DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
> > Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer
> and we can haggle.
> >
> > EDUCATION: Yes.
> >
> > LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
> >
> > SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
> >
> > MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens
> and>
> > post-it notes.
> >
> > REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
> >
> > HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
> >
> > PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
> >
> > DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
> > more intimate environment.
> >
> > MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
> >
> > DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
> > LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
> >
> > DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
> > be "Do you have a car that runs?"
> >
> > HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already
> > be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
> >
> > DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
> >
> > WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
> Bahamas>
> > with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest
> > thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
> >
> > DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
> > YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
> >
> > SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
Government Announcement:
The government announced today that it is changing it’s emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government’s political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it’s actually screwing you.
German translations, remininscent of Cinderella Hassenpfeffer by Dave Morrah
propeller - der airfloggen fann
self starter - der airfloggenfann flinger
control column - das pushenpullen schtik
rudder pedals - der tailschwingen works
pilot - der tailschwingen pushenpullen werker
student pilot - der dummkoff lernen fliegen
forced landing - trieen gobackonner ground mitout kraschen
first solo - trieen gobackonner ground mitout kraschen alone
precationary landing - looken virst den kraschen
crosswind landing - trieen gobackonner ground mitout kraschen sidevaysparachute jump - trieen gobackonner ground mitout der fliegenwagon
weather radar - das olektroniken stormengeschniffer
Home Page1 Page2 Page4 Page5 Page6 About Goodly