Nerds, geeks, and "alternative" chicks unite, because this is the movie that's supposed to define and excuse your hours spent wasting away your years in danky musty basements, throwing dice and trying to get your fantasy characters to accomplish what you couldn't in real life: sexual intercourse with another human being... Damn, that is one BIG run on sentence! Yeah, so anyway, this movie's based upon the popular role-playing game of the same name, that's spent over 2 decades as the ultimate social activity for feebs and dweebs alike. Actually, if you really look at it, only a few of the people who start off playing D&D as dorks go on to be social dorks beyond their teenage years. Lots of the guys I knew who played D&D back in 6th grade actually became large, frightening metal head stoners that got to bang all the cool social misift chicks with the pierced tongues and clits... Kinda wish I'd played more D&D back in grade school instead of watching all that porn. Where was I? Oh yeah, pierced clits.

Anyway, the film's based on the game, that's all you really need to know as far as background goes. The plot itself takes place in the enchanted kingdom of Izmir, where the emperor has recently passed on, leaving a very Amadalian young emperess named Savina (Thora Birtch of AMERICAN BEAUTY) in charge. Savina's not oo keen on the way things have been ruled by her ancestors, because the mages (magic users) are pretty much the aristocracy, while the non-magic users (everone else) are all peasants and thieves. You know, the standard "rich vs. poor" setup that most fantasy movies are founded on. However, Savina's pleas to the High Council of Mages for equality between the two classes fall on deaf ears, as they've already come under the influence of Profion (Jeremy Irons of DEAD RINGERS), an evil mage who wants the Emperess to relinquish control of her scepter (because it gives the owner control of golden dragons) and who should really see someone to take care of that speed addiction he apparently has. Come on, I know trying to overthrow a kingdom is stressful, but does ANYBODY really act that unbalanced?! I think someone slipped some "extra ingredients" in Mr. Irons's latte! At Prof's side is his strongarm sidekick and head of the Crimson Guard of Sumdell, Damodar (Bruce Payne of HIGHLANDER: ENDGAME) who likes to give oral sex to Smurfs I guess...

In order to appease the High Council but also keep herself well protected, Savina's chief advisor informs her of the Rod of Sevrille (likely owned by the Barber of Sevrille *rimshot*). With the Rod in her hands she can control red dragons, thereby allowing her to give up her scepter but have some back up in case she's attacked. Hey baby, I got a rod with magic powers you can get a hold of with no effort *wink*wink*! But, to find the Rod, the chief advisor and his assistant Marina (you know, like where they keep the boats) must decypher an ancient scroll which reveals the item's location. When Profion catches wind of this Rod of Sevrille from his little imp familiar, the shit hits the fan, as he sends Damodar to swipe the parchment and kill everyone associated with it! Political intrigue in the movies is just like it is today, only without the dragons and magic wands... While Marina and her master try to unlock the scroll's secrets, she's distracted by a noise in the next room. When she goes to investigate, it turns out to be our two felonious heroes Ridley (Justin Whalin of CHILD'S PLAY 3) and Snails (Marlon Wayans of SCARY MOVIE)! The two decided to take advantage of the recent chaos in Sumdell and ransack the Mage School for a few school supplies. Marina, however, captures the two in a binding spell, but when she returns to her master she finds him in the clutches of Damo(dar)! Before the bald psycho with blue lips can kill him though, the old man throws the scroll to Mar(ina), who hops into a portal with her prisoners Rid(ley) and Snails still in tow! In their escape the trio bumps into a beserker dwarf named Elwood (Lee Arenberg of CLASS OF 1999), who really doesn't like it when people fuck with his hat... Thanx to their new partner in crime, the heroes escape into the Sumdell sewers.

When they resurface from the fecal depths, the quartet discover that Prof and Dam have pinned the old guy's death on Mar and the other have been dubbed her accomplices... Yeah, as always a hero's work is never easy. And, for some reason going along with Prof's lies, Savina sends her best tracker the Vulcan, errr, Elfen warrior Norda to hunt down the good guys and take back the scroll. Speaking of the scroll, while the quartet relaxes at a tavern, Rid uses an old trick his humble father knew and actually manages to unlock the scroll's secrets! The deleted scene on the DVD shows a whole new angle to Rid here, which was sadly cut for budget and time constraints. Anyway, they decypher the scroll and a wraith that lives within the parchment tells them how to go about their quest. After escaping the Crimson dumbasses (seriously, these guys look ridiculous!) once more, it's off to pick up the fabled ruby known as the Eye of the Dragon (as foretold by Stephen King) from the Master of the Thieves' Guild. But when that master happens to be played by Richard O'Brien, you know something's gonna be bad!

Sneaking into the Thieves' Guild with relative ease, our heroes meet Xilus, the afformentioned master (like I said, Richard O'Brien, best known for THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW). Xilus says the gem is their's, provided that the young rapscalion Rid can make it through Xilus's deadly maze alive and claim the Eye, which rests in the labyrinth's final room. Does Ridley make it? Well, despite the fact the odds are against him (no one's completed it in 15 years), Rid makes it through in record time, which is basically surviving period. He grabs the Eye and prepares to leave. But, Xilus has to pull the old "dishonor amongst thieves" turn around, ordering Rid give up the gem or he and his friends will be killed and mangled. What a time for Dam to butt in his shiny dome. Inadvertantly saving Rid, Dam's Crimson Fruitcakes and Xilus's thieving cohorts get into a good old fashioned "Outsiders" rumble. In the comotion Rid and friends escape, except for Mar, who is instead captured by Dam and taken away. After escaping the guild, our remaining heroes Rid, Snails and Elwood are confronted outside the guild by Norda, who's tracked them all the way there from Sumdell.

This is an easy jam to get out of though, as Rid needs do nothing more than tell Norda that the map is with Mar, who happens to be held captive by Dam. Relaying this info to the Queen via video phone vanity mirror, Norda's orders are adjusted to the situation and she is instead ordered to go after Dam now and recover the scroll from HIM instead. As for our remaining heroes, they have to go along too, or they're to be killed... not a whole lot of choice in that situation. Meanwhile, Dam interogates Mar, but it's not his regular methods that work on the lucious young magette, instead he uses a pair of brain drain parasite tendrils that Prof planted in his system to suck the info right out of Mar's head! For any impressionable kids out there reading this, keep in mind that what Dam does is NOT the way to pick up women. For that, you should check out David Cronenberg's CRASH... Vehicular masochism aside, the good guys, thanx to Norda's tracking abilities, follow Dam to his temp hideout. Inside Rid finds Mar and saves her, while Snails just finds a man eating throw rug and death... Yep, Snails winds up ventilated by Dam's Predator/Wolverine claws and tossed of a rampart, 30ft down to hard ground. Rid goes ballistic and fucks up, cuz as we all know from Bruce Lee and STAR WARS, anger leads to mistakes and mistakes lead to death and enfeeblement! Such is the case with Rid, who's stabbed with his own sword by Dam, nearly killed if it weren't for the timely intervention of Mar, who opens another portal and escapes with Rid. Oh yeah, thanx to Snails's sacrifice, they also got the scroll back. Meanwhile, back in Sumdell, Prof and the High Council continue to assault Savina's "I'm not giving up my scepter" policy.

After a lifesaving visit to an Elven healer, Rid is all better again, which is good, because not only does he have to go to the lost dungeon and find the Rod of Saville still, but he's also due for a class arguement with Mar over the current state of political turmoil and his dead pal Snails. Ah, just another TROMEO AND JULIET romance. Before heading into the dungeon, Rid recieves an enchanted sword from Norda's pointy-eared friends. He heads into the catacombs and finds the Rod, and after a quick conversation with it's undead creator, the item is his... but not for long! No sooner does braze young Ridley step out into the daylight, then he runs smack into Dam and his Halloween party escapees, who have the other heroes hostage! But, they'll be allowed to live if Rid gives up the magic rod... yeah, all evil warlords with monsterous parasites in their heads keep their word when they have the upper hand... Being far too naive and trusting for a thief, Ridley goes along with the idea and hands over the Rod of Sevrille. As predicted, Dam goes back on his word and orders his Crimson shmucks to kill the heroes. Of course those goons in funny armor are still about as useful as a gang of Stormtroopers in an Ewok village ("elite force" my hairy ebon ass!), so the heroes never really had anything to fear in the first place. When Dam opens his own portal back to Sumdell, the ever angry and vengeance hungry Ridley follows close behind... I smell a dramatic final battle in the wings!

When the two arrive back at the castle, total war has broken out! Savina has called out her golden dragons who have come into combat with the High Council, lead by none other than Profion. After handing over the Rod to Prof and giving him command over the red dragons nearby, it's time for Dam to face-off with the best friend of his latest kill. So, while the gold and red beasts battle it out, Rid and Dam too clash steal, but, while Rid walks away without a scratch, Damodar instead flies... like a rock... straight down with a big hole in his chest. Hey, ya pay for whatcha get! Then it's just a quick bout with Prof, bust the rod, and let Queen Savina's dragon make a morsel out of the villainously overacted mage. So, everyone in the kingdom's equal now and I think Snails lives... unless everyone else just died... Uhm, I like the alternate ending a lot better than this confusing crap! Damn Eye of the Dragon.

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS deffinately had it's problems. First and foremost was Jeremy Irons, who really needs to switch to decafe or up the dosage on his prozac! He was all over the place, screaming and ranting and making a total ass out of himself! He was a bigger spaz than even that fat bearded hawkman guy in the FLASH GORDON movie! I think Bruce Payne could've been more than sufficient in a combination of his character Damodar with Profion. He could've been a dark cleric or something. Just a big physical evil general guy with the black arts at his fingertips. Besides, if they'd cut Jeremy Irons's salary out of the budget, they might've been able to afford some better CGI FX. That's where the other tripwire booby trap was laid in the film, the FX. We've seen what computers can do with our large winged reptile friends in DRAGONHEART, so why did they have to blow it with D&D? Well, I guess that Courtney Solomon guy did have to deal with a budget that couldn't committ to his visions, but hey, we all gotta make sacrifices sooner or later. Another sad sad section o fthe film was the costumes. Some of them were fine, others were even impressive, but those Crimson Brigade fags were too distracting! How can you focus on the action and story if you can't stop laughing at those retards in their goofy helmets and tinfoil codpieces! However, where the movie really succeeded was the side characters. Just like CAST A DEADLY SPELL, you can't help but be amused by the little extras. We're talking the orcs in the tavern, 3-Eyes in the Thieves' Guild, Dam's quicksand throw rug, Prof's little imp familiar, and the cream of the crop: the multi-eyed guardian Beholders in Damodar's encampment. Nice touch! Basically, if there's ever a sequel, just focus some more funds on the FX and bar Jeremy Irons from the set! One last note kids, the next time you use one of those touch sensitive lamps that increase their brightness each time you touch them, here's a little history lesson: those lamps were actually created by mages from Izmir...

DVD X-tras: Not a bad DVD I must say in my Ed Grimely voice. After you make it past the Maze entrance (here's a tip, it's bone, sword, then hourglass, like in the movie), the special features section includes 2 doumentary featurettes: "Let the Games Begin" takes a look at the world of Role Playing Games and "the Making of DUNGEONS & DRAGONS" is just as it sounds Sherlock. There's also two commentary tracks for the film: the first involves director Courtney Solomon, star Justin Whalin and one of the games original co-creators. Track #2 is similar, except that Justin is replaced by cinematographer Doug Milsome (who worked on RUMPELSTILTSKIN and FULL METAL JACKET!). There's also a special FX breakdown for the CGI dragon scenes; theatrical trailer; extensive cast & crew filmos; and the best special feature: 11 deleted/extended/alternate scenes which would've improved the film had they been left in, each with optional director commentary!

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: KRULL or CONAN THE DESTROYER