| Month of the Month |
| October 2009 The month of the month for October 2009 has been awarded to September because Latin people are stupid. Latin people are stupid because, in Latin, "September" means "seventh". However, September is obviously not the seventh month of the year. In Pig Latin "September" translates to "Eptembersay", which has no meaning unless you are drunk, in which case it means October. Given that this website is shutting down effective October 26, 2009, the award for month of the month will be awarded to the seventh month prior to each month in perpetuity, unless ordered otherwise by supreme overlord Hamy Hamilton. January 2005 Hey, get this! Its a new friggin' year with a new friggin' Month of the Month. The Month of the Month for January 2005 has been awarded to the month of January. January is the first month of the Georgian calendar, which most of Canada uses. In fact, I believe the only region that does not use the Georgian Calendar is Labrador, but I don't think they reproduce with people who are not their relatives either. Personally, I think it is stupid that we as Canadians so readily adopt a calendar invented by a US state, but some things just cannot be changed (like Polio...thats here to stay). So what else is so great about January that warrants the honour of Month of the Month? How about, NOT MUCH!!! In fact, check out the crap that was written about January from one shit-ass website: "In the northern half of the world, January is the coldest month of the year. Nature is quiet and the birds travel less. The woodchucks and bears sleep day and night, in hibernation. The plants are resting, waiting for the warmer temperatures of spring." I have decided to re-write this sentence in way that I feel more appropriately describes what the author was really trying to get at about January: In the northern half of the world, January is just one of twelve months in the year where I do everything humanly possible not to fracture my spine while attempting to fellate myself. Nature is quiet and I am a raging man-whore. I fantacize about woodchucks and bears in masterbation. My testicles are inside my body, waiting for the warmer temperatures of spring. December 2004 The Month of the Month is happy to announce that the labour stoppage, which prevented a winner from being awarded in November, has finally come to an end. And just as the new collective bargaining agreement ushers in a new hope for Month of the Month enthusiasts, so too a cool wind from the western cordillera sends wanting the sweet summer days of yore, only to dissipate wastefully along the bleak steppes to the east. And while a sense of melancholy pervades, we can rejoice in the honour that will now be bestowed upon a worthy month. So without further ado, let us present the award. This month's Month of the Month has gone a to worthy, but exceptionally unexpected month, and with some controversy as well. The Month of the Month for December 2004 is awarded to the month of Thursday. Congratulations Thursday! While it is true that Thursday is not technically a month, agents for Thursday submitted and succeeded in an application to be recognized as a month for the purposes of the Month of the Month Award process. This was done using a loophole in the constitution of the Month of the Month. Section 1(g) of the constitution states: 1(g). A month is defined as any period of time consisting of not less than 28 days and not more than 31 days, consecutively. Based on this definition, Thursday argued, first, that there are in fact 53 Thursdays in 2004. Moreover, no other day in the week occurs this many times (except Friday, which also occurs 53 times in a year). Second, while Thursdays do not occur consecutively to the extent that Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays occur between Thursdays, they are consecutive in the sense that Thursday always happens. For example, unless you do sufficient drink-work on Wednesday night, you never go to bed on a Wednesday night and wake up and find that it is Friday, or Monday, or Tecciztecatl.. For those unfamiliar with the Aztec Tonalpohualli, or day count system, Tecciztecatl is the god who symbolizes day 6 of their Tonalpohualli. The point is that Thursdays occur, for the most part, quite consecutively. Having convinced the court of the arguments to this point, the last hurdle that agents for Thursday had to overcome was the "not more than 31 days" provision in s. 1(g). To do this, Thursday first argued that if you divide the 53 Thursdays in a year by 2, you have 26.5 days. That is close to 2 months! Second, Thursday stated, and I quote, "if you remove the leap-year day from February, where it arbitrarily and shamelessly writhes without justiciation, and you place it in the month of Thursday, Thursday consists of 2 months of 27.5 days." Thursday then used s. 97(c) to complete their argument. s. 97(c). Should a month consist of a half day, round the half day up to the nearest whole number. This means that Thursday is 28 days long, thus satisfying s. 1(g) of the constitution. While the court appeared convinced by this, council for Thursday brought the case home in closing arguments. An excerpt has been provided: "My lords, Thursday is the only month that has 53 days in it. It is true that Friday occurs 53 times, but it is so blatantly obvious that Friday is in fact a day. If it wasn't, why would it end in 'day'? Plus, we have evidence that Friday is gay. And the fact that Thursday does have 53 days clearly indicates that it is 2 months. What other month can claim to have 2 months in a year. None!" The court affirmed this in its judgement, and declared Thursday, not only as a month, but as 2 months. And it is in light of the fact that Thurday occurs twice a year that the Academy of Month of the Month awards the Month of the Month for December 2004 to Thursday. Congratulations Thursday! October 2004 After much deliberation, the month of the month for October, 2004, goes once again to...NOVEMBER!!! Congratulations November, you dirty son of a bitch. We all know your ploys. Anyway, November has pulled it off again for several reasons. For one, November told me this story: "Pale was the desperate fool who replied to the raven's crow. Defied was the bloody mess that stank the tarnished floor. Saying beck water, cold and clear shall never clean your wound. There's none but November that can make thee hale and sound. So turn, turn your drunken head till the spinies stop you by the windy mere that ceases by the pond of delight. And sip from it you shall till the water's brim is upon thee lips and the pond sees what ye might yeild. Form barren limbs and twigs the trees stand by, awaiting the spite that shall be reaped. Yet wait; we see light. If light be sleep then we see it." September 2004 If I was around for the Battle of the Boyle (Ireland, 1690) when William III defeated James II at the river Boyne, I would say 'ochoin'. It might be an expression of sorrow for deeds done. As I write, my sweet and beloved grandfather, a protestant Irish-American, slaps me while he rests. I apologize for the overuse of commas in the previous sentence. If, however, I were to say ''ochoin' to an Irishman I would likely be slapped in the face for insulting his wife. While I am no etymologist, I can say for sure that my pronunciation of the word 'ochoin' would surely be a travesty. It is in celebration of the word ''ochoin" that the Academy of the Month of the Month has pronounced The Month of the Month for September 2004 to be October. While many of you in Vancouver, Montreal, Tokyo, or Katmandu may be upset by this, you have to realize that you are not living in Edmonton. For if you were, you would realize that one of the biggest problems with people who are not drunk is that they are sober. And while some English dude wrote that, all I can say is that October wins. Don't worry; November will be awarded again soon. Amongst the trash the gulls desire. Amongst the trucks the rubbish flows. August 2004 The Month of the Month for August 2004 went, predictably, to October. And what, you ask, does October have that warrants such an honour? Well, ever heard of October 31st? Yes, October 31st is a splendid night that is better know as November Eve. On November Eve we celebrate the culmination of all our anticipations, that is, November. But October is not a one hit wonder. There are many great events brought to us in that joyous month. One of the better known events is that of The Seasonal Depression Festival. It is there that we celebrate the withering of the leaves, the eternal cessation of daylight and the decreptitude of winter. In dank gin mills we wallow whilst golden goblets run dry. Over oppressive pixilation our melancholy digests. In the United States, October is also recognized as both Caramel Month and Dental Hygiene Month. *Note: "celebrate" in the context used above connotes a general sense of bleakness and mortification. Past Months of the Month The Month of the Month for February 2002 has been awarded to November. November is an often neglected month among month anslysts, so this award is quite a surpirse. November is known for only two popular holidays. The first, Remembrance Day, is a celebration of the many who died protecting our country from terrorists and the enslavement of caribou. Unfortunalty though, this holiday is not statutory in all ten provinces, and is thus insignificant. The second November holiday, American Thanksgiving, is merely a warm up for a much lesser known holiday called Christmas. Christmas celebrates those who died protecting our country from our sins, which, fortunatly, gives us the freedom to sin in any way that we please. And it is in honour of Christmas that the Academy of Monthly Observers awarded November with the Month of the Month award for February. |
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