Pseudo Akaash
love sex.. no sleep.. go bonkers..no pills..

The "House-bound", The Missus and her The-rapist.
                                                             The question of Jealousy versus Adultery and Pride.
                          UNDER CONSTRUCTION - DO NOT READ!
MEGA-B-O-R-I-N-G -- RUBBISH -- NOT A GRAIN OF TRUTH -- so don't get excited..


'You like to act up Lurve? Go to Brighton, walk along the beach..', the Therapist was smiling, '..hold hands, put your head on my shoulder and stuff...?'
'No.'
'Stay at a hotel and fuck like this in the morning too..?'
'No.'
'?'
'But I can throw a Jealous Wobbly instead..'
'Like this?'
'Yeah.'

                            *   *   *

'What's happening?'
His voice (*the* voice) is cracking up, you cannot even appreciate the full "flavour" of it.
The telephone line is real bad , he is driving and obviously not in the mood for this conversation.
Apparently he's left her a message the other night, but now he just could not be arsed.
'You're doing an awful lot of driving. You cabbing or something?'
'Cabbing? Yeah.', he is vague.
'Good. At least you won't be skint all the time.'
She's already managed to piss him off in the first line of this clumsy "convo" and now Fanny hesitates before getting to the point.
'Ok, let's get my wings scorched for the last time.', she decided to "once more unto the breach..." hit her head against the wall, my friends:
'Got 2 theatre tickets for Saturday night. I'd like you to come.', ouch! 150 calories (*) lost in one breath.
'I can't. Varmeefussslaminrun..', the network must be heaving, the satellite's only picking up some cracked-up exotic vowels from the outer space. 'Krrrrrghrh-trsh..', the "alien chorus" follows.
Fanny has only registered the "I cannot" part.
'What?'
'The Missus is coming down from Bolloxham.', a line guaranteed to upset the hormone balance in a healthy woman.
Fanny is not a healthy woman and she really is glad at this particular moment that "Bolloxham" of the The Land of Far-Far Away (160 quid fare-away) is not within the reach of Ms Adam's dirty nails right now.
It is 24th of November, just 2 days to "La Luna Llena", a monthly Festival of Passion in this female's world. Beware.
'Bring her down then. It will be nice to meet the other Bitch.' she wanted to say but these words come out instead:
'You cannot really pull this polygamist thing off, darling.' , she is snarling trying to appear calm, thanks God the 3G technology didn't really catch on with the "poor students".
What did you say!?, you hear him laugh through all the traffic and high street noise.
He actually is amused.
She is getting hot flashes as she's rushing to a 6pm Cardio-Kick she's taking at a Fusion Centre across the Common.
The trainers are covered in mud as she splashes through the mucky puddles of the November rain-softened post-circus ground of the Rye.
Fanny Adams wipes off the mud spat out in her face through the silver LG speaker next to her ear or was it sweat?
The fat-bitches will suffer under the lashes of the multiple repetitions of high-knee jumps and kicks.
The airbourne venom in "Eight M-0-O-O-R-E!" will hopefully give a total body poisoning to the only geyser in the class aka "The Wife Beater".
In the front row he is close enough to share his sweat with the instructor, his aggressive air-punches are almost-landing randomly on the females unfortunate enough to find themselves in his proximity.
Yes, I'm sure, his own "Battered Bitch" must have somehow liberated herself from her "Beating Bastard's" clutches recently , his angst seems fresh still.
The Circle of Violence is wide as the Viking (as he's also known in appreciation of his floor conquering skills) is pretty discoordinated and frequently moves out of his designated position (that would be his own fucking couch on a Wednesday night, if you please.)
Ban the guy from the class - birds only work-out, please.

The body will ache all over. Good - at least the "other therapy" won't be needed tonight.
'C-H-I-L-L D-O-W-N ! ! !'
And it is chilly on the Common.
Fanny snaps out from her "forward-flash" prophetic episode.
Time to continue the conversation with her sugar-free today diet-love-man.
'You're a serial monogamist, that's what you are!', a cheesy line pulled from an old English film, he wouldn't know.
'That's a new one for me'.
'Course it is..A lot of things are new for you, that's the attraction, young man...but it really is *me* with the "new" A-ffliction this time, the J-ffliction.', Fanny could not pull it off but in this story she will try to keep the exclusive rights to all the "cool lines".
'You haven't got what it takes to maintain two women.'
'You gonna have to learn how to split your time and affection between the two (?) of us, luv.", Fanny cannot help but loose her cool.
'What did you say!?', she can almost see the wind-screen reflexion of the bad-bwoy smiling to himself over the wheel, 'My affection?'
'And your *time*, lil'prick.', it certainly is not little and regrettably he is aware of the magic in his wand, no point verbalising the above really.
'In an ideal world I'd like two or three women to rotate around but that's a complete Utopia', so he thinks, but can he hang on to either of them really..
'The P-R-I-C-K!', the thought of sharing the afore mentioned "dick" with the other bitch made Fanny feel *very* unhappy.
'I suppose I'll have to find a new week-end lover.', Fanny desperately ejects herself out of the "tripple equation".
'I'm very busy week-ends.', a weak-end excuse.
'I thought you were working week-ends or are you just telling me porky pies', she is in full offensive making demands on her Favourite Concubine's time as never before.
'I know of a shady corner at the Albany, up on the balcony with the views.. aaaaah I've had plans for us..and the fucking tictets too!' , it's only the unsaid left-overs that matter.
In a few days "He", Garfield The Bad will make a late night call from a phone-box somewhere Down South "pick-u-up-in-15" style.
'I can relax you away from the depression and heal your body, if you like - nice and easy..'
'Meet you on the Rye in 15.'
She's heard the phone ring while in the shower -- he's got his own sex-line-ring-tone..
'Give a girl a chance to pick up a pair of knickers', she standing there bare-arsed, dripping with water.
Tilting her head side to side she's uttering yes-sounding "no's",
'Please try out the best of your lines on me, boy --
It will be a big fuck-off sweet Fanny Adams 'NO!' next time.'
Then her ears will be ringing and burning at the usual 11pm wanky-time,
'Don't even think of me when you're ......toldya!!!'
Fanny will have to deprive herself of a weekly portion of frisk-o-therapy in her Dirty Stop-Out by the Catholic Church in the name of Pride.
Cardinal sin, innit?
Is it worse than the Scarlet "A" she's been happilly carrying on her forhead for a full round moon?
Tell me, Father.
It won't last.
The so called "Missus" has got a "house-bound" of her own and (Jerry Springer's your Mum).
The Hubby's just fathered a couple of bastards with his Mistress on the side.
Good story, innit?
Besides, does she really exist (in the shape or form described)?
Very much doubt so.
The Elusive and the Untrue - Miss Thirty Two, just a product of a little boy's fantastically imaginative ego - amazing what a little research plus read between the lines can do!
'Spread this, Luv!', Fanny stuck her index finger out as she's para-phrased a biblical line.
'It will last... till the toilet tissue multi-pack runs out. ', she concerns herself with his affairs.
'Of course there's always a chance that She-The Other will find a little two-threaded plastic wire butterfly first or maybe a little Dewali bindi lost somewhere between the sheets.'
Dewali'2001 was so good - especially the way they have celebrated it.
'Wonder what's Hers -The Other One's stand on an invincible platinum 911 (**) grafitti placed somewhere candid but strategic?', Fanny takes pleasure in planning her lover's demise.
'Or maybe just the proverbial scratch and teeth marks on his..'
'My girl-friend!', shouts he at the first scratch, a "luv-bite" really, he is so irritating,
'When all I want is a 1-2-1 he must verbally summon *her* to stand between my teeth and his arse.', Fanny Adams on a pre-full-moon thought rollercoaster, 'I like to wallow in my misery', you might think she started to enjoy the bumpy ride.
'You have to be careful!', he says examining his right buttock for any lasting marks of teeth-on-skin violation, he is bollox starkers on the sofa in a foetal position twisting his head back like a puppy trying to bite his own tail, enjoying a post-coital meditation, or mad-agitation rather (over a little bite!); a delightful image stored in the Future Flash-Backs Area (FFBA) of Fanny's brain.
'Me? *I* have to be careful!?', Fanny didn't say a thing but..is it really her job to conspire to keep the Adulterer's life simple..
'Wish he'd let me use my cam now..'
'No, I don't trust you. You'd have *this* all over the bill-boards.', he's pointing to his rear-end.

                            *   *   *

Women tend to get the flash-backs of the intimate and passionate elements of the past in moments of crisis in the realationship.
The experience feels very real and fleshy.
Then after The Flashback comes the stage of The Violence,
'Fuck off. Don't even think of me when you're having a wank.',
The Decision,
'Delete his number!',
Denial,
'Oh, I have over-reacted. Let me retrieve my phone-book from me old Nokia.',
followed by Doubt,
'He's just using me for sex.'
and Self-Negotiation,
'I'm only using him for sex.'
And finally here's the Last Stroke, well almost..(***)
'Shall I wear him out one last time with a blast just before his "legitimate nuptials"?', the mind of a Bipolar Maniac is pretty prolific when it comes to planning scenarios.
Naaah. Back to The Jealous Maniac's Conspiration Theories.
'So? Let's plant something in his bedroom.', Miss Fanny "Konspiracja" always carries a spare pair of..
'Knickers?'
'Bindi?'
'Coil?'
A coppery shade 911 inscription, very fetching for the verbal content of the grafitti on an off-white-not wall - a girl is spoilt for choices.
'Forget me not, you cheating bastard!'
'My baby's got teeth marks on his ARSE. *My* teeth marks!', believe it , a bunny-boiler inscribed these very words once upon a time on a toilet wall with her lip-stick. Then she replaced the tile she removed from the spot as the primary surface was far too easy to wipe.
A long-term revenge strategy. Takes forward-thinking and *planning*, only a smart bitch..
'Till the multi-pack runs out, mah-luv...', Fanny did not bother vandalising his bathroom, just used the existing props.
The question of Adultery?
He's done it before, that's how he lost the "Missus" (don't you just hate the word - salt in the eye!) at first place or was it?
Was it "her" sitting on his doorstep crying and apologising to *him* for fucking Some Other.
'It didn't mean anything!', she's pleading with him as he passes her by with indifference.
Now *his* scratched-up arse is on a line again - literally.
His "naughty lil'place" is full of tell-tale objects from the Dewali Exhibition Night. Fanny made sure to be extra "careful" not to be too careful. Ha!
What you gonna do, boy?
3 options.

Option #1 - "Full On Search"

Carefully scan your "cave" for vital signs of the Other Woman's presence after each visit and frequently after that just in case you've missed something she planted some place smart and unpredictable.

Option#2 - "Shaggy's your Master"

In a very likely case the cunning "Missus" gets to the "hot-spot" herself
before you, have a credible excuse at the ready.
Do not stutter or hesitate.
Vehemently deny everything with confidence. 'It wasn't me.'

Option#3 - "Be afraid. Be very afraid"

Live in constant fear.
Guaranteed nervous break-down or..
..then there is..

The Abominable Option#4 - STICK TO MONOGAMY.

'Mono-gah-moi?
'Not my game. Not me.'
"Ideally I would like...blah blah", live your life in stereo or wotuva..and return yourself to the "Rightful Owner(s)".

Thank you for making Fanny Adams jealous.
The experience was priceless.

..where it started.. - FunnyWorks

                                      *   *   *

The Jealous Cardio-Kick came to an end and the work-out's almost completed too.
   
   Miss Fanny (Green) Adams forgot all about Garfield, the Alley Cat, and booked a Thursday night ticket to Bournemouth.
By 9pm she's still at the gym while the tread-mills are occupied by the best of the Single Men.
Fanny takes pleasure closely scrutinising the shiny smooth clean shaven head of Alexander the Great, a brown beauty...continued (more "Feline" Pics etc)